Life on Santa Claus Lane

Life on Santa Claus Lane

by Darrell Bain

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781931201193
Publisher: Day to Day Enterprises
Publication date: 10/28/2004
Pages: 186
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.46(d)

About the Author

Darrell is the author of about two dozen books, in many genres, running the gamut from humor to mystery and science fiction to non-fiction and a few humorous works which are sort of fictional non-fiction, if that makes any sense. He has even written for children. For the last several years he has concentrated on humor and science fiction, both short fiction, non-fiction (sort of) and novels. He is currently writing the fourth novel in the series begun with Medics Wild.

Darrell served thirteen years in the military and his two stints in Vietnam formed the basis for his first published novel, Medics Wild. Darrell has been writing off and on all his life but really got serious about it only after the advent of computers. He purchased his first one in 1989 and has been writing furiously ever since.

While Darrell was working as a lab manager at a hospital in Texas, he met his wife Betty. He trapped her under a mistletoe sprig and they were married a year later. Darrell and Betty own and operate a Christmas tree farm in East Texas which has become the subject and backdrop for many of his humorous stories and books.

Read an Excerpt

It took a lot of real hard thought before I decided to make a book out of these stories that describe the odd, funny and occasionally downright hilarious things which have happened to Betty and I since we started a Christmas tree farm. One of the funniest was when the Postal Service notified us that the private road we and some of our kids live on was now officially named Santa Claus Lane. Our daughter-in-law Linda failed to see the humor of it and immediately demolished their mailbox with a shotgun and obtained a Post Office Box number. I'll be derned if I'm going to be laughed at every time someone asks for our address," she declared, as if everyone of the 1,812 inhabitants of our little village didn't already know where she lived.Linda isn't the person I'm concerned about though. My wife Betty has never seen a lot of these stories and I'm sort of careless about going off and leaving the computer screen lit with whatever I happen to be doing at the time. She's bound to catch one here and there. I really don't think she would object to most of these little moralistic tales but you never really know, do you?"No, you don't," My wife said from behind my back.Ulp. "What are you doing here?" I asked. Betty was standing behind my chair, reading over my shoulder. I don't know how she got there so suddenly but women can be sneakier than cats when you don't want them to be."I live here, remember?"

"Of course I remember," I said. In fact, "I can remember the first night when we moved into this place. We christened the sofa because the bed wasn't put together yet."That was the wrong thing to say. "You're not going to write about our sex life are you?"I grinned to myself, remembering a funny episode. "There's nothing wrong with our sex life," I said."There will be if you start writing about it," Betty responded. "Besides, it wasn't a sofa, it was a lounge chair out in the garage. Our furniture hadn't even gotten here yet. And the mosquitoes were terrible."I don't remember any mosquitoes."That's because you were drunk and they wouldn't bite you." That's a canard. I hadn't had more than a dozen or two beers the entire day and all of them were well deserved. After all, we were taking a momentous step then, moving from a townhouse in the city to a farmhouse in the country."Can I write about that?" I asked.

"You can write about anything so long as it's truthful and it's not about sex," my wonderful wife informed me. So right then I made a vow: I will not write about our sex life. And I will at all times be truthful. I wrote both vows down right then and looked over my shoulder at my spouse. She raised a cynical eyebrow, tousled my thinning hair and walked over and sat down at the sewing machine, crossing her shapely legs. I shifted my gaze before I got carried away and started writing about sex.

"Warm, witty and delightful! Like sitting around the kitchen table swapping stories with family. Darrell Bain has all the makings of an old-time storyteller. Seeing the absolute twisted humor in everyday life on the farm. His wife, Betty, must be a saint! This follows Darrell Bain's first published novel, "Tales From A Texas Christmas Tree Farm."

"Few books have the ability to attach themselves so easily to your heart as those that tell of "real-life" views on the everyday. And when you add a touch of whimsy, a retired "mechanically challenged" husband and a computer, the result can be no less than a hilarious compilation of stories where nothing escapes the fated fickle finger of humor! "A gracious host, Bain beckons us to come visit their Christmas Tree farm, on a real road called "Santa Claus Lane." He walks us through short stories such as the simple errand of picking up single fold white bias tape along with a loaf of bread. (Seems simple enough, doesn't it?) With absolute certainty he leaves the house on his quest, repeating the mantra..."Bread and single fold white bias tape in the notions department. Bread and single hole white bias tape Bread in the lotion department. Bread and winged whole bright bias grapes in the potion department". ...well, you get the idea. He returns home sans bias tape and bread much to the disappointment of his dear wife Betty, who claims you should never send a man to do a woman's work. Bain is still trying to figure out that statement, as well as why the store didn't carry those darn "duct taped skates. "

"Bain spends his days observing and writing about everything from furniture moving..."if it weren't for men, couches would never have been invented and then where would women be when they wanted to rearrange living room furniture, " to stories of the killer tiller and learning to wear sweat-suits.

"And he shares them all with us in a wonderful collection of lighthearted short stories sure to warm even the coldest heart. Many times, humor is the best medicine for the aches and pains that life can produce. My advice would be a large dose of Bain's book, a cup of coffee and a great footstool. A perfect winter read!!" Pamela Johnson - WordMuseum, Reviewer

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Life on Santa Claus Lane 3.3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 6 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
charsethman More than 1 year ago
There was some really funny stories that were told in this book....his poor wife...lol!
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Guest More than 1 year ago
And for Darrell Bain, life at home is filled with more funny and unusual experiences than a stocking is filled with goodies on Christmas morning. Life on Santa Claus Lane is a collection of amusing stories detailing Bain¿s life on a Christmas tree farm in East Texas along with his spouse, dog, and two cats. You certainly won¿t be disappointed with Bain¿s down-home, tongue-in-cheek style and quirky perceptions of life. 'Per evidence of his definition of the actual use of a tape measure: ¿There is no actual use for this tool because it mysteriously disappears whenever anything needs measuring.¿' But don¿t look for any talk about sex, because that topic is emphatically off limits. Just ask Darrell¿s wife. The exploits of their dog, Biscuit, however, is fair game. Through it all Bain spins a sequence of tales that provide smirks of familiarity, chuckles of amusement, or downright, out-loud laughter. Wait till you read about ¿The Great Closet Expedition¿ or learn of his ironclad memory in ¿A Simple Errand.¿ Even putting up a garden tent can be quite an adventure where Bain is concerned. Whatever happens on Santa Claus Lane, you can be sure Darrel Bain will tell us about it in a fun and entertaining fashion. This book is a great read, and I highly recommend it!