"A beacon of guided inspiration to illuminate the dark night of the soul."
-Donna Henes, author of The Queen of My Self
"The lightning that streaks through these pages, evolving into luminous words, offers a message of sustaining comfort to all women and men who are in the throes of re-visioning their lives a way to 'take heart' and thrive."
-Ione, author of Pride of Family, Nile Night, & Listening in Dreams
" I feel there is a place for other women to enter and receive comfort from this story."
-Normandi Ellis, author of Awakening Osiris, Dreams of Isis & Feasts of Light
"Lightning Holds My Hand conveys to its readers the gift of a gift. In this thorough, exacting, intimate and vulnerable account of her own transformation, Andrea Gale Goodman honors, distills, and passes along what helps us to heal and change: dreams, oracles, guidance, friendship, nature and wisdom, all woven together and showing that 'the Universe leaves nothing out. It never drops a stitch or overlooks a voice.'"
-Annie Finch, poet, author of Eve & Calendars
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Lightning Holds My Hand
A Woman's Journal of Guidance
By Andrea Gale Goodman
iUniverseCopyright © 2008 Andrea Gale Goodman
All rights reserved.
JOURNAL I: GUIDANCE THROUGH FEAR
January 14, 2002
I woke up, wide awake, at 1:00 am.
Pluto is square my Mars, and I am experiencing extreme fear.
Lying in bed, I felt light coming in my crown, light coming in my root. I feel I'm being worked on and wish I could clearly hear the voices others hear. When I do hear them, I always think I made it up. I don't think it's really real. And yet I know when I sing I'm channeling, and I believe all the channeling from other people. I know I'm not alone, that we are supported and guided.
It's so quiet with no electricity, the power cut off tonight. The only sound is the fire, the only light from candles, the hurricane lantern and flames in the wood stove.
Let me ask, what is happening to me?
Sweet Girl, you are becoming your true self. Let the tears flow. They carry out the poison from past pain and rage. They purify you. Your fear is not the monster it seems. It is ancient fear, your mother's fear and the remnants of old trauma and past-life fear.
What is the past life?
You have had many lives as a woman. You are mostly drawing on your lives of wisdom and talent, and you have often had to suffer betrayal, loneliness, ostracism, execution, burning or prison for your wisdom and talent. You expect to be abandoned and betrayed, criticized and shunned. It is not your fault, Dear One. You carry the memories of many. You are healing them. Healing many.
Who are you?
I am the one who knows you, who has loved you, witnessed you, cried with and comforted you, who walks with you, sings with you. I am you and you are I.
Am I making this up?
These words are truth. Trust them.
It is a hard push for me to do the work of clearing the fear. And yet I can't do it to hang on to him. That can't be my primary motivation.
What is the energy or tension I feel in my body?
It is the power that is waiting to be released, waiting for your awareness to notice it there. Your body has to change to accommodate this energy. You must keep the channels open, keep opening. Fear is closing. Trust is opening. You are vibrating faster. There is no need to fear or resist or worry about the sensations. Open to them. Open sexually. Open energetically.
January 16, 2002
I need guidance right now. Please speak to me.
You are not alone. You are safe to release the fear. Be fearless. Remember it is all there for you to attain enlightenment. It is all a gift. You know this. Your existence does not depend on him. This energy is here to split you wide open. Welcome it.
Energy, what do you want?
I want you clean of clinging! I want you to wake up! You have built a tower. I want you naked again. I want you simple. I want you free! I want you big! I want you singing everywhere in the world. You can't afford to limit yourself to your pretty life here. I'm calling you out. You don't have to lose anything of value. Home is a feeling of safe warmth, nourishment, a glowing circle. You will have that as you already do.
I had a shamanic healing session with Judy Milinowski [a healer]. In my vision, I saw a river; I went down the stone steps to a river. I felt someone had died. I was very scared and sad. She had me go into the fear, in my heart, and describe it. I experienced my fear as a big scowling toad. The toad asked me to follow it. It leapt into the water. I followed it to the bottom of the river. There was a body and I recognized myself as a girl of 19, very beautiful and luminous and fine, in another century. Judy took me back a few hours, and I saw the girl pushed into the river by a group of men. She took me back a few days, and I felt the girl had seen a vision and told someone who was scared by it. Then Judy had me look inside to see if the fear I had described earlier was there. It was gone, but my lungs were clogged with dense smoke. I felt someone had burned down my house, also because of my wisdom.
Judy saw layers and layers of feminine archetypes, thousands that I am carrying, and the task I am taking on is no less than healing the feminine to bring the world back into balance. It fits with the wisdom of the writing.
So what does my wisdom say now?
Rest now. Be patient. You are very brave. You are honored and thanked for this work, honesty and courage. All must be grieved and released now. There is no more time or space for victimhood. The strength and dignity of your feminine power must take its place.
January 17, 2002
What's next? Where does the Toad want to take me?
Next is listening. You already know all the suffering, the cries and screams and stories. You have allowed the wailing to be heard again. You have been one who feels all the suffering, who cries easily as the thousand memories are touched one by one. But there is now a movement inside, and the thousand memories must be released. You must heal all the wounds because wounding is no more. The toad leaps. You must make the leap. The leap is from the heavy experience of suffering to the knowing that suffering is no longer possible. It's a choice you have to make for everyone. You know now that he does not mean to hurt you, that his soul extends only love to you. That is the key. If it is true for you, then it is true for everyone. The history of the persecution of women is ending. The experience of being murdered for your wisdom, your highest gift, your beauty, is over.
But why did it have to happen, what did it all serve?
There is so much pain in your question. Be with the pain, the despair of that "why?" Think how polarized men and women have been, how utterly "other" for each other, how alien, monstrous. Can you imagine that the monstrous men who were so scared of a young woman's intuition saw her as equally monstrous? It does not matter who was the murderer and who was the victim. Each was the monster for the other. Just as in war. Our souls extend only love. Fear of "the monster" blocks the flow of that love. Feel the love. Sing the last rites over the lives of suffering. Expect love. Listen for fear. Learn to say "That's fear talking" when someone seems to be rejecting or hurtful. Go back to the murderers and listen to their fear. Reassure them. Heal the murdering. If you can do it with him, you can do it for everyone.
In meditation this morning, doing Tonglen, I was breathing the grief and pain of lonely women, sending them the feeling of being fully received, listened to, understood and appreciated. I breathed in me and the others like me who carry the sufferings of many, and sent out the breaking up of that burden, its release.
Now I understand my Mars conjunct Venus in the 12th House as the carrying of the wounded feminine unconsciously, from past lives, with the ultimate healing and balancing of Mars and Venus.
What shall we do in class tonight?
You shall find the purest part of yourself, the truest place within you. You shall share your mission now of releasing the old suffering by entering the old suffering for the last and most conscious and most challenging time. Share the vision you have glimpsed, where wounding is no more and suffering not possible—this is your offering. See if the others understand it. Offer it to them. And connect to the Earth, to her bountiful gifts; allow yourselves to be nourished and healed. Trust that all the work you are doing now is for everybody. You have been hearing this message often in recent months. Never doubt it.
Thank you for coming to me now!
I have always been here. Your whole life long. You have always listened. Honor your wisdom. It is you.
January 18, 2002
Out in the woods, I had a vision of undoing wounding, of women emerging from the fire unharmed, the witch burnings reversed, one after another, a fountain of radiant, joyful women coming out of the fire; of women getting up from being beaten, unbruised, smiling at their husbands, embracing them; of my past-life self coming back up from drowning in the river, back to life, smiling, laughing.
January 19, 2002
Something insisting I wake a little before 4:00 am again (the third time this week). What is it You have to tell me?
Keep your focus. Things are not what they seem. The film of fear will lead you into illusion. Be aware. Be as the Buddha. The illusion of terror will come to tempt you. You must stay in your center of knowing that who you are cannot be hurt or abandoned or rejected. Never. In fact, it never has been. Only your belief in the illusion allowed that experience. You were still on the karmic wheel. That is complete. You have done it all. There is no more story, no more karma, only love now on the other side of this fear. The toad/frog can take you through the wall of fear. You must leap and swim, not so easy for one who has drowned.
But see her now. She gets up from the bottom of that river, she smoothes her long white dress, kicks up through the water to surface in a different world than the one she left. Now she can tell her visions freely, she can let her face be luminous, her countenance to shine upon you, your face the face of the Divine to shine upon all who see you. That is all we ask now. Let your light shine, the light of your beauty, compassion, love, your Sacred Light shining through your voice, your words, your body, your face. Let the intensity in your body now be like the burning of a flame within the lantern, your body the glass, protecting, carrying, radiating the light. That is all we are asking of you. Let all the murdered wise women rise up and smile and shine their wisdom and beauty like the stars.
Let Nut, the body of stars, raise her arms and celebrate the free brilliant shining of all the women. We are all stars in her body. From a position as one star, the others can seem very far away, as you on Earth in its position near your Sun look up at the stars as distant points of light. The body of the stars is not an opposite. Do you see now? Nut and Geb are not opposites. They allow creation on Earth with the separation of Shu, the atmosphere, the air that cushions Earth, fosters life. It is a continual lovemaking of Nut and Geb, a long longing. Take your place in the heavens as the Goddess you are. Wash off the film of fear with your tears, with the glittering snow, with flow of sound.
The balance is restored. It has happened all at once. It remains only to see it, to feel it, to take it in, to let it nourish you, to receive it, to trust it, to allow it. The feminine-masculine balance is here. No need to struggle for it, to worry about it, to cry about it. Simply receive it and watch to see what it will bring.
January 20, 2002
While vacuming the stairs I remembered the card called Vision, seeing the life in everything. I suddenly slowed down, honoring the stairs, the wood in them, the footsteps they receive each day, the memory of whoever made them, memories of other footsteps in other times. And to clean them became a gentle caring for them, relieving them of dust and debris, working with the vacuum cleaner instead of struggling against it. And when my back began to ache, I simply felt it instead of either ignoring it or complaining about it. And all at once I felt the love and joy in being with whatever is, rather than being with what might happen or what is about to be or what already was or always has been.
Thinking about the fear of abandonment, I asked myself, What does abandonment look like? A big hole, a dark, empty hole. Empty space, space. Let the concept of abandonment dissolve into empty space. Space in which all things are possible, space to be whoever I like, space to create anything I like, space to experience desire, space to experience the beginning of the life-giving creative act. Let there be space, emptiness, unknown. Let me expand into that space, becoming more than I ever dreamed was possible.
What will you do with rejection? Rejection feels like shame. I shrink; turn ugly, smelly, stupid, worthless. A turning inward. So I turn inward, and I, another I, take to my bosom the shamed child. I hold her, sing to her, tell her she is beautiful, she is wise, she is precious, she is sweet. I love her. The turning inward from rejection and shame becomes an embrace with myself, a doorway to self-love, the love of the mother self for the child self, the love of the Goddess self for the human self.
January 22, 2002
I am feeling much calmer. Is my body adjusting to the energy? Have I passed through the worst of it? What does it mean that I'm able to sleep and eat again?
You have made a huge leap. Your awareness has expanded tremendously. You see the harmony now that has been singing to you all along. You have found the love that was resting in everything, quietly shining. With this love you will live differently. Now the linearity, the speeding freight train of time is gone. Can you feel that? The moment of what is has no beginning or end. It's as though the freight train went over a cliff and is in freefall, suspended. You have passed the test of staying with your fear. You are no longer scaring yourself with thoughts of the future or memories of the past. The undoing of the wounding is accomplished. Can it be that simple?
Yes, it can.
And my body?
There is still adjustment you can feel. It will go on. The shivery feeling is your energetic field, your aura, expressing your growth and change. Your concept of "you" as a body is breaking up and releasing. You are opening to a greater energy.
I have been hearing "We are taking care of you, no matter what happens." Who is talking?
As you are feeling now, we are the legions of angels, we are your soul group, we are the Neteru, we are Maåt and Tehuti, Nut and Geb, Kuan Yin and Maitreya. You are so completely safe, cherished and beloved. Our wings enfold you. Auset, Mother of All, is here in all her forms. We are not separate from you, as you have imagined. We don't "come" to you from someplace else. You remember us. You listen and feel us. You are our daughter, our queen. You are the brave one who went into the density to release the human story of suffering. You allowed yourself to feel sorrow. It was brave. You have come through. We surround you and encourage you to rest in our embrace, to absorb the love. You will have much to do soon enough. People will come to you to learn of this love. The blessings you will give are much needed. Now is the beginning. You are newly born.
January 23, 2002
Please tell me something about my mother. What is she experiencing now, and why is she passing on so slowly?
Your mother has passed on, for the most part. Only the tiniest shred of her consciousness is with her body. She is keeping her body going but not feeding it anymore.
Is it important for me to see her now, to go out there and physically be with her?
No. It makes no difference now. You don't need to be there physically. But she is calling to you psychically, spiritually. She needs your help to allay her fears of the transition. She trusts you completely. Hold her in your Divine embrace. Tell her the time of fear is over. She has completed her role here. There is nothing left to do but let her light merge with the Divine light. Help her to see the Divine light. You must see the Divine Being. When you can see clearly who it is, you can hand her over, place your mother in the arms of the Divine Mother.
January 24, 2002
I couldn't stay in the new perception. I fell back into fear. I couldn't help it. Help me.
You can't turn back. Stay in the new perception. Be aware that all is alive; all is moving and changing, the old limits of lack and loneliness dissolving, the truth emerging as perfection. You are safe. You are loved, Dear Daughter. We are taking care of you, no matter what. We are asking you to trust.
Stay with what is in every moment. You already have the key. Everything is not falling apart. But your consciousness is changing completely. Let it all happen, your tears and fears and insights and sensations, the expanding in your crown chakra. Roll with it. Let us carry you. We will lift away the old pattern of fear and control.
You have other work to do now; you have a lot of shining to do, my Star Child. You have a lot of singing to do. You have a lot of laughing and playing and receiving ahead. You have held your responsibility securely. Now you can let it go. Let us carry it. You have done your part.
What is this flash of anger?
More fear. Release it.
Excerpted from Lightning Holds My Hand by Andrea Gale Goodman. Copyright © 2008 Andrea Gale Goodman. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
PROLOGUE: Context and Preparation, 1,
JOURNAL I: GUIDANCE THROUGH FEAR January 14, 2002–February 2, 2002, 9,
JOURNAL II: GUIDANCE IN SORROW February 5, 2002–March 12, 2002, 28,
JOURNAL III: GUIDANCE INTO SOLITUDE March 12, 2002–April 22, 2002, 59,
JOURNAL IV: GUIDANCE TO AWAKENING April 22, 2002–June 1, 2002, 94,
JOURNAL V: ACCEPTANCE June 2, 2002–August 9, 2002, 127,
JOURNAL VI: BIRTH August 11, 2002–December 23, 2002, 158,
JOURNAL VII: TRUST December 24, 2002–March 27, 2003, 184,
EPILOGUE January 31, 2005, 21,
POSTSCRIPT: Letting Go of the Story, 217,
LIST OF ORACLES CONSULTED, 229,