Living An Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure

Living An Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure


View All Available Formats & Editions
Choose Expedited Shipping at checkout for guaranteed delivery by Tuesday, April 30

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781633538269
Publisher: Mango Media
Publication date: 08/15/2018
Pages: 256
Sales rank: 234,050
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Xanet Pailet is a recovered New York City health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full time sex and intimacy coach, writer, blogger, and teacher. She works with individuals and couples to empower them around their sexuality and strengthen relationship and intimacy skills. Xanet is particularly passionate about working with women, men and couples who are sexually disconnected. Through her work, and the many tools that she offers, she helps them reclaim their pleasure and transform their relationships and their lives.

Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, and Tantra Educator. She is on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute and teaches regularly at Good Vibrations in San Francisco. She offers 1:1 coaching via Skype or in person in the Bay Area. She also offers online group coaching programs and speaks regularly at national and local conferences and events. She lives in beautiful and serene Marin County, CA. Connect with Xanet at

Dr. Emily Morse has been voted the #1 dating & sex expert to follow on Twitter by Esquire & Stylecaster. Her Podcast: Sex with Emily, is downloaded over a million times every month. Morse is now a sex talk pioneer of one of the most successful brands in the field of sexual health — leading the charge in modern day sex education, turning it on it’s heels in ways no one has ever before.

Emily served as co-host of the famed Loveline radio show featuring Dr. Drew Pinsky, made appearances on national programs like The Today Show and The Doctors and even starred in a Bravo series about sex and relationships experts finding love called Miss Advised.

Read an Excerpt

Sadly, most of us don’t have anyone we can talk to about our sex life, our sexual problems, our sexual desires, our fetishes, and our fantasies. Talking to our partner can be highly charged and not without repercussions. Many couples fear that even bringing up the subject will open up a Pandora ’s box they will never be able to close. People often worry about bruising their partner’s ego, or fear the conversation will quickly revert to blame and shame. Better not to bring it up and just put up with a bad sex life. This was certainly my experience. Every single time my ex and I tried to talk about sex, I ended up feeling guiltier, and even more broken, angry, and disconnected from him.

Some women talk to their girlfriends about their sex life, or lack of one, but rarely in great detail. Most OB/GYNs and urologists are ill-equipped to provide useful advice about how to make our sex lives pain-free, better, and more pleasurable. Even couples’ therapists are often extremely uncomfortable talking with clients about their sex life on any level of detail that could actually be useful. This came to me as quite a surprise initially, but in time I realized that most therapists haven’t dealt with their own shame around sex.

An Oversexed, Sex-Starved Culture

The irony is that sex is talked about frankly and broadcast blatantly in popular culture. We find it everywhere…in books, movies, TV, advertising. The maxim that “Sex Sells” is true! Just take one look at a magazine advertisement for practically any lifestyle product from sexy, sleek new cars to deodorant and lipstick. Sex entices us and is also the forbidden fruit driving our desires and wallets.

You would think we’d be sexually open in a society that constantly throws sex in our face. In fact, the opposite is true. The United States is a sex-negative and sex-starved nation. The latest statistics about the lack of sex in this country is horrifying. According to “The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior” (2010), the average married couple has sex about once a week. Twenty percent of couples are only having sex once a month, which is considered a sexless marriage. I suspect those numbers are significantly underreported. This study does not account for the large number of men and women who stay in their marriage for financial reasons and/or “for the children”, but have completely unsatisfying sex lives. Sex workers report that the vast majority of men who see them for sensual massage or escort services are happily married men living in virtually sexless marriages.

Sexless Marriage vs. Upsetting the Apple Cart

I asked myself many times why I chose to stay in my marriage. In my 30s, when I still had a libido, I toyed with having an affair with a work colleague, but we both chickened out. That should have been a clear signal that my marriage was in trouble, but I ignored it. We had small kids, a good family life, and we were constantly trading up to nicer cars and homes. Why upset the apple cart? Even when my kids were older, and we weren’t having sex or sleeping in the same room, I had a hard time calling it quits. At one point, I created a five-year plan to leave my marriage that I shared with one of my best friends, who was also contemplating divorce.

Sexless marriages are so pervasive in our society that there seems to be an attempt in some sectors to “normalize” the fact that couples stop having sex, especially when they get into their 50s and beyond. Recently the Huffington Post, which is arguably the most sex-positive mainstream media in the U.S., published an article titled, “Over 50 and in a Sexless Marriage: Don’t Despair.” Essentially, the author’s position was that people could thrive in a sexless marriage. But there was something missing in the article that I feel is important to take into account. It’s true: couples often decide not to engage in sex. However, the majority of the time, the decision is forced on one of the partners. In fact, a common scenario is that one partner loses interest, becomes unresponsive, and starts to avoid anything to do with sex. The still-desirous party keeps trying for a while, then gets tired of rejection and simply gives up. Often this unfolds with no discussion at all, much less a conscious decision.

Where Did my Libido Go?

Unfortunately, in 90% of the clients that I’ve worked with, it is the woman who loses her desire to have sex. While each situation is unique, there are some common causes:

• Women are socialized to say “no” to sex

• We hold shame and fear around being fully sexually expressed

• Motherhood transforms us from sexual beings to maternal beings

• Sex becomes boring and rote

• We are not sufficiently aroused and don’t experience enough pleasure

• Women are not connected to their sexuality

Table of Contents


PART ONE: Healing yourself from Shame, Sexual Abuse and Physical Trauma

Chapter 1: A Night of Goddess Worship Can Change Your Life

Chapter 2: Living a Life of Lies

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

The Widening Divide

What Happened to Us?

We were doomed from the start

Finding a Home in Your Body

Chapter 3: Women are Programmed to Say “No” to Sex

An Oversexed, Sex-Starved Culture

Sexless Marriage vs Upsetting the Apple Cart

Where Did my Libido Go?

“Keep your legs shut!”

Good Girl Madonna, Bad Girl Whore

The more we have sex, the more we want sex (Good sex begets more good sex)

Chapter 4: Shame: The Nastiest Five-Letter Word in the Universe

The Shame/Pleasure Paradox

Ancient Cultures Were Sex-Positive

Shame and Your Sexual Blueprint

Jessica’s Story: Body Shame

Jeff’s Story: Delayed Ejaculation Shame

Sexual Blueprint Exercise

Tim’s Story: Shame from Inappropriate Attraction

Anya’s Story: Sexually Repressed Shame

Bob’s Story: Shame Around Experiencing Desire

Masturbation and Shame

Delia’s Story: Masturbation Shame and Disassociation from Pleasure

Keith’s Story: Masturbation Shame and Early Ejaculation

Body Shame: A Generalized, Cultural Disorder

Exercise: Body Talk

Too Big, Too Small: Sex Organ Shame

Jim’s Story: Cock Size Shame

Pussy Shame

Annie’s Story: My Vagina is Normal!

Sexual Fetishism

Ralph’s Story: Cross Dressing and Submissive Shame

Chapter 5: Sexual Abuse and Trauma

Overt and Covert Abuse

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Impact on Sexuality

Anne’s Story: Unresolved Trauma causing Vaginismus

Repression of Memories

Trauma and Self-Protection Mechanisms

Darla’s Story: Trauma and Disassociation

Tonya’s Story: Trauma and Over-Stimulation

Ellen’s Story: Slaying the Tiger

Downstream Effects of Abuse

Lilly’s Story: Trauma and Fear of Intimacy

Cecilia’s Story: Trauma and Self-Abusive Behavior

Men and Sexual Trauma

David’s Story: Recreating Abusive Relationships

Working with Sexual Trauma

Jessie and Mark’s Story: Resolving Trauma and Reclaiming their Sex Life

Chapter 6: The Body Remembers: Trauma & Physical Imprinting

Trauma and Physical Imprinting

Body Memory

Physical Trauma’s Impact on Sexuality

Heal the Body, Heal the Mind

Releasing Trapped Pain from Trauma

Raina’s Story: Trauma from a Routine Gynecological Exam

Holistic Pelvic Care

Carrie’s Story: Healing Trauma from Childbirth

Jane’s Story: Weaning Herself Off a Vibrator by Rewiring Physical Patterns

Exercise: Awakening New Pleasure Pathways

Ingrid and Mark’s Story: Activating New Pleasure Pathways

Chapter 7: Blocks to Intimacy

Attachment Theory (“It really is all your mother’s fault”)

Secure Attachment

Anxious Attachment

Avoidant Attachment

Anxious Avoidant Attachment

Other Influences on Attachment

The Influence of Attachment Style in Adult Relationships

Victor’s Story: Perpetually in the Friend Zone

Emotional Detachment (Why Crying is So Good for You)

Intimacy Requires an Emotional Connection

Lisa’s Story: Learning How to Let Others Care for Her

Tristan’s Story: Dealing with a Broken Heart

Caryn’s Story: Confusing Sex with Love

PART TWO: Awakening Your Pleasure

Chapter 8: Beginning the Journey of Sexual Healing & Awakening

Four Guiding Principles to Transform your Sex Life

Self-Awareness and Courage

Exercise: Visioning Letter

Understanding and Banishing Sexual Shame

Accepting and Loving Your Body

Exercise: Create Your Vagina Timeline

Bethany’s Story: My Period Betrayed Me

Julia’s Story: Where Did My Beautiful Body Go?

Laina’s Story: Menopause Madness

Embodiment—The Place to Begin

Chapter 9: Coming home to My Body and Welcoming Pleasure

Welcoming Pleasure

The Road to Becoming a Sex and Intimacy Coach

Sexological Bodywork

SkyDancing Tantra Teacher Training

Somatica: The Glue that Holds it All Together

Chapter 10: So What is Tantra Anyway?

Origins of Tantra

The Emergence of SkyDancing Tantra

Exercise: The Yoni Talk

Chakras and Sexual Awakening

Exercise: Subtle Energy

Principles of Tantra

Exercise: Chakra Sounding

Chapter 11: How to Reignite Your Shrinking Libido

Desire and Your Hormones

Desire and Your Internal Landscape

Exercise: Sacred Space Ritual: A Partner Practice

Vanilla Sex Can Kill Your Libido

Karen’s Story: Boring Sex

Desire and Your External Landscape

Exercise: Peak Sexual Experience Survey

Knowing What You Want

Who Initiates Sex?

Understand Your Sexual Style

When Sexual Styles Conflict

Anne and Jeremy’s Story: Conflicting Sexual Styles

Switching it Up: Sexual Styles Aren’t Static

Core Erotic Theme

Exercise: Identifying Your Hottest Sexual Movie

Chapter 12: Great Sex is about Polarity

Why Opposites Attract

Fantasy and Cultural Taboos

Collette and Liam’s Story: Creating Sexual Polarity through Role-Play

Sexual Polarity is Upside Down in our Society

Andrea’s Story: Finding Her Feminine Self

Exercise: Fun Ways to Find Your Sexy

Masculinity and Male Sexuality

Paul’s Story: Permission to Feel Desire

Genevieve and Carl’s Story: Learning to Surrender into Dominance

Chapter 13: Realizing Your Pleasure Potential

Slow Things Down

Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body

The Ins and Outs of Orgasm

The Power of Touch

The Three Minute Game

Exercise: Touching for Your Own Pleasure

You are Responsible for Your Arousal

Learning What You Want

Exercise: Self-Loving Practice

Orgasms Don’t Just Happen in Your Genitals

Anal Pleasure

Chapter 14: Living an Orgasmic Life

Sex is a Basic Human Need like Food and Shelter

A Sexual Woman is a Creative Woman

Sex Transmutation

Quantum Physics and Sex

Exercise: Feed Your Creativity

The Process of Transformation

Nora’s Story: Making a Career Change

Intuition: The Greatest Gift of All

Exercise: Cultivating Your Intuition by Learning Your “Yes” and “No”

Lara’s Story: Making a Life Changing Decision to be a Single Mom

Brant’s Story: When Sex and Creativity Flows, So Does the Money

Darleen’s Story: Reinventing Oneself in Her 60s

Your Story Next

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

“Xanet Pailet’s book offers a modern, refreshing insight into what all women should become aware of: that they are made for love. And that the art and cultivation of pleasure is the language of love. And that, if they don't learn it, and take the responsibility to teach it to their partners, the consciousness of the world will remain stagnant. Living an Orgasmic Life teaches us to become aware in love and to channel pleasure as a means of conscious awakening. There is no better mission. And this book will show you the way.”
—Margot Anand, World’s leading authority on Tantra and International Bestselling author of The Art of Sexual Ecstasy, The Art of Everyday Ecstasy, and Love, Sex and Awakening

"Xanet is a wise guide that you can trust to lead you the pleasurable path of erotic empowerment. She’s been there herself and offers you a practical map that you can follow to get to the land of loving yourself, shame-free sex and expanded outrageous orgasms! You deserve to feel this fantastic!"
-Sheri Winston, CNM, RN, LMT. Wholistic Sexuality Teacher, award-winning author of Women's Anatomy of Arousal and Succulent SexCraft

"What I love the most about this book, is the way in which Xanet masterfully weaves in her own story in such a vulnerable way. She makes it completely relatable to every woman’s experience, and provides all of us a path forward to living an orgasmic life."- Sex With Emily

“A woman who's been there—out of touch with her own capacity for erotic connection and pleasure—and healed herself, tackles all the stumbling blocks for other people's inability to touch this deep source of joy. Fraught social messages, shame, and trauma impact so many of us, but as Xanet Pailet shows, there IS a path out of that thicket and into intimacy, deep sexual pleasure, and a newly-awakened body. Take this journey with her and be amazed at the destination.”
—Carol Queen PhD, Staff Sexologist, Good Vibrations

“Through her own sexual healing journey and those of others, author and intimacy coach Xanet Pailet takes us back to a place where we can all develop the courage to reclaim our sexual desires. Living an Orgasmic Life is bound to become a go-to book for therapists, healers and for all of us.”
—Louann Brizendine, MD, New York Times Best Selling Author of The Female Brain and The Male Brain.

“The parts of this book that touched me deeply, and that will reach out and touch the hearts of so many women, are the moments when Xanet shares her personal journey of growth and transformation. Her vulnerability, raw honesty, and deep desire to learn and teach what is possible for women in the erotic realm touches on the hopes and insecurities we all have. By sharing those parts that we feel we are supposed to hide, she fearlessly invites women to know and accept themselves fully so they can claim their birthright of pleasure.”
—Celeste Hirschman, MA, Co-Founder Somatica Institute, author of Cockfidence and Making Love Real

“Can you imagine your life and loving to be abundant with creative energy, confidence, inner freedom and good feelings about yourself, a state of being where old wounding no longer rules you and your sexual experience? This book contains the keys to unlock your sexual potential, open yourself to more bliss and let go of what no longer serves you. Xanet’s practices and real life stories will help you to heal any sexual wounds, and move beyond shame into a powerful connection with yourself, transforming your entire life into an everyday orgasmic experience. While presenting a myriad of expertise and information, its easy-to-read style captivates the heart and soul, and gently invites the reader to a journey of transformation and healing.
A must-read for anyone willing to expand their horizon and live more orgasmically every day.”
—Lokita Carter, founder of Ecstatic Living Institute, creator of best-selling video programs on Tantra and Chakra Wisdom Meditation

“This book is an excellent blend of personal stories, solid research, useful ideas, and supportive suggestions. If you're struggling to figure out how to connect to your pleasure, make sex exciting, and deepen your relationship, there's plenty of great information here for you and your partner.”
—Charlie Glickman, Ph.D., Sex and Relationship coach, author of The Ultimate
Guide to Prostate Pleasure

“Unabashed reality, heart-felt empathy, keen expertise — all three combine in this breakthrough work by Xanet Pailet. As a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach, I am always on the lookout for quality resources that will support my clients in finding their way to freedom in this area of their lives, and Living an Orgasmic Life is now at the top of my reading list for survivors who want to reclaim their sexuality.”
—Rachel Grant, Author, “Beyond Surviving: The Final Stages in Recovery from Sexual Abuse” and Beyond Surviving Podcast.

"A true gem! Xanet's book is filled with intimate stories about overcoming struggles with sex and relationships to embrace an orgasmic life. It speaks to the heart of real life challenges people face and offers easy to use exercises to inspire you back to pleasure."
~ Caroline Carrington, Pleasure Expert & Co-Founder of Sarasa Tantra,

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

See All Customer Reviews