#1 Amazon Best Seller! ─ Heal Your Relationship with Sex
Overcome your discomfort: Living An Orgasmic Life is for those who find sex challenging and are uncomfortable with their sex life. Women who are alienated from their erotic side due to sexual abuse or trauma will find healing balm in these pages. Women who can’t surrender into pleasure, can’t sustain intimacy, or want to reclaim and feel empowered in their sexuality will greatly benefit from this book.
Awaken your sexuality: Challenges with sexuality are common and infrequently discussed. Xanet Pailet explores the reasons that cause women to disconnect from their sexuality including shame, body image issues, sexual abuse and trauma, physical wounding, and fears of intimacy. She provides practical advice and tools to help women awaken to their sexuality in a healthy way and reclaim their libido.
Add sex back into your marriage: According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 20% of married couples are only having sex once a montha sexless marriage. And, the number of reported sexless marriages has quadrupled in the last 20 years. Living An Orgasmic Life is filled with lessons and practical exercises to take your sex life from non-existent or mediocre to fulfilling.
Author Xanet Pailet notes: “I wrote this book because I am passionate about helping individuals who feel broken reclaim their sexuality and pleasure, and transform their lives. I want women who are struggling with sex to understand that help is available and that they can have healthy, passionate sex lives.” Living An Orgasmic Life can help you rediscover the joy and pleasure of sex.
If you have read Sex Rx , Urban Tantra , Come as You Are , or Womancode , Living An Orgasmic Life is a must read. Learn:
- Why it’s so hard to talk about sex in a world where everything is about sex
- How sexual trauma can occur and how to heal it
- How to reignite your libido
- What you can do to start living an orgasmic life
|Product dimensions:||5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.60(d)|
About the Author
Xanet Pailet is a recovered New York City health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening in 2011, she transitioned her career into a full time sex and intimacy coach, writer, blogger, and teacher. She works with individuals and couples to empower them around their sexuality and strengthen relationship and intimacy skills. Xanet is particularly passionate about working with women, men and couples who are sexually disconnected. Through her work, and the many tools that she offers, she helps them reclaim their pleasure and transform their relationships and their lives.
Xanet is a certified Somatica Sex and Intimacy Coach, Sexological Body Worker, Holistic Pelvic Care Practitioner, and Tantra Educator. She is on the faculty of the Ecstatic Living Institute and the Somatica Institute and teaches regularly at Good Vibrations in San Francisco. She offers 1:1 coaching via Skype or in person in the Bay Area. She also offers online group coaching programs and speaks regularly at national and local conferences and events. She lives in beautiful and serene Marin County, CA. Connect with Xanet at www.powerofpleasure.com.
Dr. Emily Morse has been voted the #1 dating & sex expert to follow on Twitter by Esquire & Stylecaster. Her Podcast: Sex with Emily, is downloaded over a million times every month. Morse is now a sex talk pioneer of one of the most successful brands in the field of sexual health leading the charge in modern day sex education, turning it on it’s heels in ways no one has ever before.
Emily served as co-host of the famed Loveline radio show featuring Dr. Drew Pinsky, made appearances on national programs like The Today Show and The Doctors and even starred in a Bravo series about sex and relationships experts finding love called Miss Advised.
Read an Excerpt
Sadly, most of us don’t have anyone we can talk to about our sex life, our sexual problems, our sexual desires, our fetishes, and our fantasies. Talking to our partner can be highly charged and not without repercussions. Many couples fear that even bringing up the subject will open up a Pandora ’s box they will never be able to close. People often worry about bruising their partner’s ego, or fear the conversation will quickly revert to blame and shame. Better not to bring it up and just put up with a bad sex life. This was certainly my experience. Every single time my ex and I tried to talk about sex, I ended up feeling guiltier, and even more broken, angry, and disconnected from him.
Some women talk to their girlfriends about their sex life, or lack of one, but rarely in great detail. Most OB/GYNs and urologists are ill-equipped to provide useful advice about how to make our sex lives pain-free, better, and more pleasurable. Even couples’ therapists are often extremely uncomfortable talking with clients about their sex life on any level of detail that could actually be useful. This came to me as quite a surprise initially, but in time I realized that most therapists haven’t dealt with their own shame around sex.
An Oversexed, Sex-Starved Culture
The irony is that sex is talked about frankly and broadcast blatantly in popular culture. We find it everywhere…in books, movies, TV, advertising. The maxim that “Sex Sells” is true! Just take one look at a magazine advertisement for practically any lifestyle product from sexy, sleek new cars to deodorant and lipstick. Sex entices us and is also the forbidden fruit driving our desires and wallets.
You would think we’d be sexually open in a society that constantly throws sex in our face. In fact, the opposite is true. The United States is a sex-negative and sex-starved nation. The latest statistics about the lack of sex in this country is horrifying. According to “The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior” (2010), the average married couple has sex about once a week. Twenty percent of couples are only having sex once a month, which is considered a sexless marriage. I suspect those numbers are significantly underreported. This study does not account for the large number of men and women who stay in their marriage for financial reasons and/or “for the children”, but have completely unsatisfying sex lives. Sex workers report that the vast majority of men who see them for sensual massage or escort services are happily married men living in virtually sexless marriages.
Sexless Marriage vs. Upsetting the Apple Cart
I asked myself many times why I chose to stay in my marriage. In my 30s, when I still had a libido, I toyed with having an affair with a work colleague, but we both chickened out. That should have been a clear signal that my marriage was in trouble, but I ignored it. We had small kids, a good family life, and we were constantly trading up to nicer cars and homes. Why upset the apple cart? Even when my kids were older, and we weren’t having sex or sleeping in the same room, I had a hard time calling it quits. At one point, I created a five-year plan to leave my marriage that I shared with one of my best friends, who was also contemplating divorce.
Sexless marriages are so pervasive in our society that there seems to be an attempt in some sectors to “normalize” the fact that couples stop having sex, especially when they get into their 50s and beyond. Recently the Huffington Post, which is arguably the most sex-positive mainstream media in the U.S., published an article titled, “Over 50 and in a Sexless Marriage: Don’t Despair.” Essentially, the author’s position was that people could thrive in a sexless marriage. But there was something missing in the article that I feel is important to take into account. It’s true: couples often decide not to engage in sex. However, the majority of the time, the decision is forced on one of the partners. In fact, a common scenario is that one partner loses interest, becomes unresponsive, and starts to avoid anything to do with sex. The still-desirous party keeps trying for a while, then gets tired of rejection and simply gives up. Often this unfolds with no discussion at all, much less a conscious decision.
Where Did my Libido Go?
Unfortunately, in 90% of the clients that I’ve worked with, it is the woman who loses her desire to have sex. While each situation is unique, there are some common causes:
• Women are socialized to say “no” to sex
• We hold shame and fear around being fully sexually expressed
• Motherhood transforms us from sexual beings to maternal beings
• Sex becomes boring and rote
• We are not sufficiently aroused and don’t experience enough pleasure
• Women are not connected to their sexuality
Table of Contents
PART ONE: Healing yourself from Shame, Sexual Abuse and Physical Trauma
Chapter 1: A Night of Goddess Worship Can Change Your Life
Chapter 2: Living a Life of Lies
Appearances Can Be Deceiving
The Widening Divide
What Happened to Us?
We were doomed from the start
Finding a Home in Your Body
Chapter 3: Women are Programmed to Say “No” to Sex
An Oversexed, Sex-Starved Culture
Sexless Marriage vs Upsetting the Apple Cart
Where Did my Libido Go?
“Keep your legs shut!”
Good Girl Madonna, Bad Girl Whore
The more we have sex, the more we want sex (Good sex begets more good sex)
Chapter 4: Shame: The Nastiest Five-Letter Word in the Universe
The Shame/Pleasure Paradox
Ancient Cultures Were Sex-Positive
Shame and Your Sexual Blueprint
Jessica’s Story: Body Shame
Jeff’s Story: Delayed Ejaculation Shame
Sexual Blueprint Exercise
Tim’s Story: Shame from Inappropriate Attraction
Anya’s Story: Sexually Repressed Shame
Bob’s Story: Shame Around Experiencing Desire
Masturbation and Shame
Delia’s Story: Masturbation Shame and Disassociation from Pleasure
Keith’s Story: Masturbation Shame and Early Ejaculation
Body Shame: A Generalized, Cultural Disorder
Exercise: Body Talk
Too Big, Too Small: Sex Organ Shame
Jim’s Story: Cock Size Shame
Annie’s Story: My Vagina is Normal!
Ralph’s Story: Cross Dressing and Submissive Shame
Chapter 5: Sexual Abuse and Trauma
Overt and Covert Abuse
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Impact on Sexuality
Anne’s Story: Unresolved Trauma causing Vaginismus
Repression of Memories
Trauma and Self-Protection Mechanisms
Darla’s Story: Trauma and Disassociation
Tonya’s Story: Trauma and Over-Stimulation
Ellen’s Story: Slaying the Tiger
Downstream Effects of Abuse
Lilly’s Story: Trauma and Fear of Intimacy
Cecilia’s Story: Trauma and Self-Abusive Behavior
Men and Sexual Trauma
David’s Story: Recreating Abusive Relationships
Working with Sexual Trauma
Jessie and Mark’s Story: Resolving Trauma and Reclaiming their Sex Life
Chapter 6: The Body Remembers: Trauma & Physical Imprinting
Trauma and Physical Imprinting
Physical Trauma’s Impact on Sexuality
Heal the Body, Heal the Mind
Releasing Trapped Pain from Trauma
Raina’s Story: Trauma from a Routine Gynecological Exam
Holistic Pelvic Care
Carrie’s Story: Healing Trauma from Childbirth
Jane’s Story: Weaning Herself Off a Vibrator by Rewiring Physical Patterns
Exercise: Awakening New Pleasure Pathways
Ingrid and Mark’s Story: Activating New Pleasure Pathways
Chapter 7: Blocks to Intimacy
Attachment Theory (“It really is all your mother’s fault”)
Anxious Avoidant Attachment
Other Influences on Attachment
The Influence of Attachment Style in Adult Relationships
Victor’s Story: Perpetually in the Friend Zone
Emotional Detachment (Why Crying is So Good for You)
Intimacy Requires an Emotional Connection
Lisa’s Story: Learning How to Let Others Care for Her
Tristan’s Story: Dealing with a Broken Heart
Caryn’s Story: Confusing Sex with Love
PART TWO: Awakening Your Pleasure
Chapter 8: Beginning the Journey of Sexual Healing & Awakening
Four Guiding Principles to Transform your Sex Life
Self-Awareness and Courage
Exercise: Visioning Letter
Understanding and Banishing Sexual Shame
Accepting and Loving Your Body
Exercise: Create Your Vagina Timeline
Bethany’s Story: My Period Betrayed Me
Julia’s Story: Where Did My Beautiful Body Go?
Laina’s Story: Menopause Madness
EmbodimentThe Place to Begin
Chapter 9: Coming home to My Body and Welcoming Pleasure
The Road to Becoming a Sex and Intimacy Coach
SkyDancing Tantra Teacher Training
Somatica: The Glue that Holds it All Together
Chapter 10: So What is Tantra Anyway?
Origins of Tantra
The Emergence of SkyDancing Tantra
Exercise: The Yoni Talk
Chakras and Sexual Awakening
Exercise: Subtle Energy
Principles of Tantra
Exercise: Chakra Sounding
Chapter 11: How to Reignite Your Shrinking Libido
Desire and Your Hormones
Desire and Your Internal Landscape
Exercise: Sacred Space Ritual: A Partner Practice
Vanilla Sex Can Kill Your Libido
Karen’s Story: Boring Sex
Desire and Your External Landscape
Exercise: Peak Sexual Experience Survey
Knowing What You Want
Who Initiates Sex?
Understand Your Sexual Style
When Sexual Styles Conflict
Anne and Jeremy’s Story: Conflicting Sexual Styles
Switching it Up: Sexual Styles Aren’t Static
Core Erotic Theme
Exercise: Identifying Your Hottest Sexual Movie
Chapter 12: Great Sex is about Polarity
Why Opposites Attract
Fantasy and Cultural Taboos
Collette and Liam’s Story: Creating Sexual Polarity through Role-Play
Sexual Polarity is Upside Down in our Society
Andrea’s Story: Finding Her Feminine Self
Exercise: Fun Ways to Find Your Sexy
Masculinity and Male Sexuality
Paul’s Story: Permission to Feel Desire
Genevieve and Carl’s Story: Learning to Surrender into Dominance
Chapter 13: Realizing Your Pleasure Potential
Slow Things Down
Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body
The Ins and Outs of Orgasm
The Power of Touch
The Three Minute Game
Exercise: Touching for Your Own Pleasure
You are Responsible for Your Arousal
Learning What You Want
Exercise: Self-Loving Practice
Orgasms Don’t Just Happen in Your Genitals
Chapter 14: Living an Orgasmic Life
Sex is a Basic Human Need like Food and Shelter
A Sexual Woman is a Creative Woman
Quantum Physics and Sex
Exercise: Feed Your Creativity
The Process of Transformation
Nora’s Story: Making a Career Change
Intuition: The Greatest Gift of All
Exercise: Cultivating Your Intuition by Learning Your “Yes” and “No”
Lara’s Story: Making a Life Changing Decision to be a Single Mom
Brant’s Story: When Sex and Creativity Flows, So Does the Money
Darleen’s Story: Reinventing Oneself in Her 60s
Your Story Next
What People are Saying About This
“Xanet Pailet’s book offers a modern, refreshing insight into what all women should become aware of: that they are made for love. And that the art and cultivation of pleasure is the language of love. And that, if they don't learn it, and take the responsibility to teach it to their partners, the consciousness of the world will remain stagnant. Living an Orgasmic Life teaches us to become aware in love and to channel pleasure as a means of conscious awakening. There is no better mission. And this book will show you the way.”
Margot Anand, World’s leading authority on Tantra and International Bestselling author of The Art of Sexual Ecstasy, The Art of Everyday Ecstasy, and Love, Sex and Awakening
"Xanet is a wise guide that you can trust to lead you the pleasurable path of erotic empowerment. She’s been there herself and offers you a practical map that you can follow to get to the land of loving yourself, shame-free sex and expanded outrageous orgasms! You deserve to feel this fantastic!"
-Sheri Winston, CNM, RN, LMT. Wholistic Sexuality Teacher, award-winning author of Women's Anatomy of Arousal and Succulent SexCraft
"What I love the most about this book, is the way in which Xanet masterfully weaves in her own story in such a vulnerable way. She makes it completely relatable to every woman’s experience, and provides all of us a path forward to living an orgasmic life."- Sex With Emily
“A woman who's been thereout of touch with her own capacity for erotic connection and pleasureand healed herself, tackles all the stumbling blocks for other people's inability to touch this deep source of joy. Fraught social messages, shame, and trauma impact so many of us, but as Xanet Pailet shows, there IS a path out of that thicket and into intimacy, deep sexual pleasure, and a newly-awakened body. Take this journey with her and be amazed at the destination.”
Carol Queen PhD, Staff Sexologist, Good Vibrations
“Through her own sexual healing journey and those of others, author and intimacy coach Xanet Pailet takes us back to a place where we can all develop the courage to reclaim our sexual desires. Living an Orgasmic Life is bound to become a go-to book for therapists, healers and for all of us.”
Louann Brizendine, MD, New York Times Best Selling Author of The Female Brain and The Male Brain.
“The parts of this book that touched me deeply, and that will reach out and touch the hearts of so many women, are the moments when Xanet shares her personal journey of growth and transformation. Her vulnerability, raw honesty, and deep desire to learn and teach what is possible for women in the erotic realm touches on the hopes and insecurities we all have. By sharing those parts that we feel we are supposed to hide, she fearlessly invites women to know and accept themselves fully so they can claim their birthright of pleasure.”
Celeste Hirschman, MA, Co-Founder Somatica Institute, author of Cockfidence and Making Love Real
“Can you imagine your life and loving to be abundant with creative energy, confidence, inner freedom and good feelings about yourself, a state of being where old wounding no longer rules you and your sexual experience? This book contains the keys to unlock your sexual potential, open yourself to more bliss and let go of what no longer serves you. Xanet’s practices and real life stories will help you to heal any sexual wounds, and move beyond shame into a powerful connection with yourself, transforming your entire life into an everyday orgasmic experience. While presenting a myriad of expertise and information, its easy-to-read style captivates the heart and soul, and gently invites the reader to a journey of transformation and healing.
A must-read for anyone willing to expand their horizon and live more orgasmically every day.”
Lokita Carter, founder of Ecstatic Living Institute, creator of best-selling video programs on Tantra and Chakra Wisdom Meditation
“This book is an excellent blend of personal stories, solid research, useful ideas, and supportive suggestions. If you're struggling to figure out how to connect to your pleasure, make sex exciting, and deepen your relationship, there's plenty of great information here for you and your partner.”
Charlie Glickman, Ph.D., Sex and Relationship coach, author of The Ultimate
Guide to Prostate Pleasure
“Unabashed reality, heart-felt empathy, keen expertise all three combine in this breakthrough work by Xanet Pailet. As a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach, I am always on the lookout for quality resources that will support my clients in finding their way to freedom in this area of their lives, and Living an Orgasmic Life is now at the top of my reading list for survivors who want to reclaim their sexuality.”
Rachel Grant, Author, “Beyond Surviving: The Final Stages in Recovery from Sexual Abuse” and Beyond Surviving Podcast.
"A true gem! Xanet's book is filled with intimate stories about overcoming struggles with sex and relationships to embrace an orgasmic life. It speaks to the heart of real life challenges people face and offers easy to use exercises to inspire you back to pleasure."
~ Caroline Carrington, Pleasure Expert & Co-Founder of Sarasa Tantra, www.CarolineCarrington.com