As little girls many of us played pretend. Yes, in our own little minds, we filled our world with dolls, dreams, and our perfect love. Once I was grown and out on my own there was no more pretending. I was playing house and trying to handle grown folks business. I was trying so hard to enhance this romance, but I had to realize that there was no happily ever after to my story. My fairy-tale romance was turning into a horror film and I was the main character.
I was on a scavenger hunt looking for love and expecting happiness. I was disappointed with the love that I found and not satisfied with the happiness I had made.
He offered me a bogus brand of what I thought was real love. You know that love that looks just like the real thing and from a distance you can't tell if it's an original or just a knock off. But usually if you look at it, really examine it; you can tell that it's a fake! The stitches are different, the texture is different, but most of all the quality is different. I knew that the quality of love that Marcus offered was flawed, but I wanted it so bad, I carried it around perpetrating it as an original.
He loves me....He loves me not...Yes, He loves me.....
He is the complete expression of love. It is His desire to lavish so much love on me.
Every good gift that I receive comes from His hand.
For He is my Provider and He will meet all my needs.
His plan for my future has always been filled with hope.
He loves me with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).
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Looking 4 Love ... in all the wrong placesIf you search for Him with all your heart you will find Him-Deuteronomy 4:29
By Kamekio Danielle Lewis
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2010 Kamekio Danielle Lewis
All right reserved.
Chapter OneTell It Like It Is
I share with you what I think and how I feel. I share with you all in the name of keeping it real. I came to you to talk to you about my messed up situation. I needed your support and your compensation. I came to you, yet you ignored me. You ignored my thoughts and my feelings. I came to you to talk to you about my messed up situation and you minimized my dedication. I came to you and you mocked my feelings and added insult to my injuries. I came to you and you talked to me like I was incapable of a loving relationship and you treated me like I was a child. I came to you and you told me how wrong I was, yes how wrong I was for loving him. You tried to convince me of the right thing to do and the right way to go. You told me all of the reasons that I should leave, but you didn't understand how badly I wanted to stay. I needed you to comfort me, but you only told me what you thought I should do and what you would do if you were me. You completely ignored my feelings, which were all so true. I needed you to listen to me, to hear me, and to understand these feelings that were running through my mind and racing through my heart. You didn't listen. You never listen. You just couldn't understand how important this love was to me and you overlooked my feelings because they seemed to be ... to be stupid to you, to be crazy to you, to be wild and foolish to you, yet I was oh so passionate about this contaminated love. I did not realize how wild and foolishly I was living as I jeopardized my life for this strife. A lot of people said that I was crazy; yes I was crazy in love. I looked for this love and I found this love, but this love it didn't love me back. "Are you mad at me because I decided to stay?" Yes, I did stay, but then I left, and then somehow I went right back. I returned to him because all the time while you were so mad at me he was comforting me. All the time when you were mad at me and ridiculing me, he was giving me a glimpse of hope and a sense of security. Look at you, you sit there and you judge me, but you don't know me. I was content with this imitation of love. In my mind, I thought that I needed this love, I accepted this love, yet I continued to look for this love. You wanted me to detach from this love and you tried to force me to see the reality of this love, but I could not because I did not want to see. I did not want to see how toxic this relationship had become. I was in love with a love that didn't love me.
"Tell It Like It Is", is a mental snapshot, of how I felt many years ago. I am sure that there are other women that share these same feelings as they sit in the middle of their storm. I will tell you this story, because it is my story. And though you may not completely understand my circumstances, I pray that it will help you to see your situation clearly as you move toward the healing process. My sincere hope is that women will began the move from being the victim to being victorious! We will celebrate our victories together, as we overcome many difficult situations. I expose a lot of hurt and pain, but stay focused on my healing and my transformation, because I have gotten past all the guilt and the shame. Yes, the pain was real. The guilt and the shame were also very real, but the recovery has been much greater for me. I have learned how to move forward with my life. I pray that this book empowers and encourages you to move on with your life and helps you to learn how to forgive. If you or a someone you know is an abusive relationship, I hope that you are able to learn some valuable lessons from my past mistakes. I trust that you will consider getting help individually or collectively, to improve your situation. I know that I have been made free and this abuse will never be a part of my life again. This thing that once had a very strong hold on my life, has actually allowed me to grow and develop in so many areas. I allowed my past hurts and struggles to handicap me for so many years, but now it is time to let it go. All these years I was hurting in silence, not realizing that what I really needed was healing. During my healing process, I learned that I had to minister to the pain behind the sin! I tell you my story because by some chance it might just help you. It is time to heal and move on with the life that God has planned for you! I want all my readers to know that this book is not to male bash or compare or contrast anyone else's relationships. I do share some very personal experiences with you, only to keep it real with you and show you that if by some chance you have experienced domestic violence on this magnitude or a greater magnitude, healing is still available. I know that this information will be beneficial to you in your journey to recovery. All the names have been changed, because I am not trying to connect anyone to my story. I want to say that I have forgiven "Marcus." The forgiveness was not done as a favor to him or as a gesture to man. I released him, because I could not fully have and enjoy my life while holding grudges and unforgiveness in my heart. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you (John 15:12). We cannot allow past hurts and past struggles to hinder us from reaching our full potential. "I will not forget my past, I understand my present, but I am focusing on my future." Come and celebrate life with me!
Chapter TwoLiving in my past
I remember the night that I woke up from another hot and sweaty dream. There was an unexplainable fear haunting me in my sleep. I tried to bury this in the pits of my mind, but at night, in my dreams it would stir itself back up and it had an overwhelming presence. I tossed and I turned. I sat up in my bed and I noticed that my nightshirt was soaked and my heart was beating fast. My mouth was dry and my eyes were filled with tears. I was crying so hard, but I couldn't remember why. It had gotten to a point that I could not distinguish dreams from reality. I had to look around the bedroom just to remember where I was. I know that this experience was real. I know that he is real and I am still dealing with my past. Now, I see that my past is actually dealing with me and more importantly I know that I should let it go. In fact, I know that I must let it go.
I tried to move on with my life, working hard each day to look decent and not damaged. I wanted to look blessed and not as miserable as I really felt. I tried to act full, but I was running on empty. My existence felt so unfulfilled, because I longed for a life filled with some peace and a little joy. Each day, I fought back the tears with a smile on my face. The outside was always together. My hair was together and my nails were always manicured. I always coordinated my accessories well with my attire. You see my glory, but you don't know my story. This make up was just a cover up. This glamour girl appearance brought me no comfort and provided me with no peace. For years I had been working over time fixing up the outside, but the inside was where all the work needed to be done. I dressed up my fears with jewelry and a smile. But when I was alone, I was scared to go to sleep at night, fearful of the memories that waited for me. On the outside, you can see that I am a woman of style and virtue, but on the inside I am mentally fading away. I continually asked myself ... "How do I let go and forgive him for what he did to me?" "How do I forgive myself for allowing this to happen, and how do I forget the pain and the abuse?" "How do I let go of the memory of being abused and overcome this frustration?"
When I close my eyes I see his face, my nose twitches from the scent of his cologne.
I can still hear his voice, telling me over and over that he will kill me if I ever leave!
"If I can't have you no one else can?"
I wanted so much to forget those things that were behind me, so that I could move forward, and press toward the goals that God had for me. I wanted even more to forgive. I knew that I had to forgive him, but I was still so afraid of him? I struggled with these mixed feelings and unsettled emotions. Sometimes we think that if we avoid unresolved issues, that they would just disappear, but emotionally you remain disturbed and stressed. Somehow, I managed to teach myself how to suppress the pain. For so many years, I operated in this manner and the unforgiveness started to show up in my dreams. This unforgiveness in my heart began to hinder me mentally and physically and affect my values and my beliefs.
I had become withdrawn from others and I never talked about this abuse to anyone. What was there to talk about? This relationship was so many years ago and there are so many miles between us. But, at night, when I closed my eyes I relived the abuse and he was still there. How strange it is, 10 years later, I am still taunted by the memories of my past. I am now married with children, but this tormenting experience weighed on me daily. This man is no longer part of my life and is now in prison, on charges not even related to our past relationship. Nevertheless at night, in my dreams, I can still feel his presence. My mind was in constant turmoil trying to figure out how to overcome the dilemma of my past. In my sleep, where I am supposed to get rest and be refreshed, I became helpless and worthless. "Why did I fear him so?" My greatest fear was that he would look for me. He would find me and he would destroy me. These feelings were a result of what he had told me so many times, so many years ago. I did finally leave him, well physically I left him 10 years ago, but mentally I was still involved with wounds from my past. I was tortured by the memories and the nightmares. In these nightmares, I saw his face and I felt his presence. In every nightmare, he finds me and he repeats to me those same threats that he made 10 years ago. He tells me that this time, he will kill me! These nightmares, they felt so real and these threats became my reality. I can still remember the night that he took me away into the dark!
I clearly remember how that night started.......
Me and Marcus had come home for the weekend, as we often did. We would enjoy going out to the clubs. This weekend, we had decided not to go out and just stay in. When we got to Arkansas, we went to my sister Lisa's house. I noticed how he was flipping through his cell phone, checking missed calls, and voicemails. We had just got in town and had only been there for about an hour before he was trying to hit the streets. "I'm stepping out for a few hours", Marcus stated. I didn't respond, because I knew we had decided to stay in. Somehow he made sure that I wasn't interested in going out, yet he decided that he would go ahead and leave without me. I already knew his game. This was not the first time he had tried this one on me. He walked over to the couch, where I was sitting and started to kiss on me. I completely ignored him, because he somehow thought that this would help to ease the tension in the room. Of course, he knew that I was mad because he was about to leave, but I was tired and I didn't feel like the argument. He had already made sure that he had spent the entire day with me, which would give him an excuse to have an evening alone. Because of his desire to control, he always kept me close and under him. He made sure I had nothing else going on besides him and at the same time not wanting me to know that he had something else going on other than me. Of course, I had no proof, because I had never actually caught him doing anything unfaithful, because quite frankly we were always together. He took care of everything, just to make sure I was satisfied, which left little for me to complain about. If I wanted to go to a movie, it was done. If I wanted to go out to eat, it was a done deal. If it meant, buying me jewelry, clothes, food, VIP at the club, done! He liked to entertain, so he would buy drinks for everyone, just to show off and make himself look important. I still didn't trust him, but I tried to believe that he was true to me and to our relationship. He would typically tell me one thing and I would believe it, hanging on to his every word, as he told me that I was his one and only girl. The buzz in the streets was totally opposite of what I perceived and I was quick to defend him, even until the end. He would of course always deny any and all accusations, so in my mind my relationship was good. I could only see one side of the story and that was his side.
It was now midnight and there was no excuse for him to leave the house this late. When I started to question him, he got upset and told me to never question him. I remember standing there with my mouth open and as I was about to respond, he just turned and went out the door. I was in the middle of my sentence. I was so hot! I could not believe that he had just walked out the door, because I was not finished talking to him. I could feel a lump rise in my throat and I started screaming! I started ranting and raving telling Lisa that I was tired of this mess. I was mad and hurt all at the same time. I was mad because he left without considering my feelings and I was hurt because he didn't even care how I felt. I could never figure out why every time he wanted to go out; he somehow found something to argue with me about. I knew that this was just a ploy to blame me as his reason for leaving. I wanted it to be different. I wanted this relationship to work, so I continued to tell myself that same lame game.... "As long as he came home, I wouldn't trip." Yeah right, how simple could I be? I still tried to hold on. I was trying to make a relationship work that was doomed from the start. I learned the hard way that there was nothing worse than trying to make a man stay that was ready to go; besides there was nothing there to hold on to. He gave selfishly, as a way to make himself feel in control. He would give graciously with his right hand, while thoughtlessly taking at the same time with his left. This was part of his game. I believe that his mission was to seek full control of me and this relationship both physically & mentally. He always expected me to do exactly what he said and when he said to do it. If things did not play out like he expected, he would play the mad role until he got what he wanted. He would often flip the script on me and have me to think that all this chaos was actually my fault. I use to try and figure out what it was that I was doing wrong. I appreciated everything he did for me and I frequently let him know that. I usually agreed with him, just to avoid the conflict. There were other times when he would just leave the house to justify his childish behaviors and all the time I continued to make excuses for him and wished so hard that it would be different.
I looked over at Lisa and she had a very worried look on her face. She told me to sit down and said we needed to talk. I was not in the mood for another one of her sermons, but I sat down with her and we began to have one of those love hate conversations. She talked to me about the importance of being in full control of yourself and your surroundings. I knew that I was just chasing my feelings, which had never proven to be beneficial for me. I didn't realize that being in full control of me and my surroundings meant just that, I only controlled myself! I could not control what Marcus did or where he wanted to go. I wanted to believe that if I told him not to go or if I got mad enough he would stay, and yes sometimes this ploy did work, but for the most part he decided when and where he would go. I had to realize that I had full control of myself and my reactions only. I was now reacting out of emotions and not responding to the situation appropriately. I should have been more in control of myself and my feelings, thinking more rationally about my situation, love is blind, is what Lisa told me. I was not sure why I called this thing we had love, but we were definitely blind in this relationship! The delusion of this love was meaningless and I was chasing after the wind. I told Lisa how this constant worry and pressure was affecting my studies and causing stress that I did not need. Lately, I was easily distracted and I could not stay focused on my assignments. I was having severe mood swings. I would be happy in class one minute and the next second I would get angry for no apparent reason. I had started missing class because I was too tired to get up. When I did go, I was easily agitated and didn't want to be there or talk to anyone. These episodes had me tripping out and I couldn't sleep or eat. When I didn't go to class and I had no appetite for food, I would just supplement this with other activities, to help me deal with the unwanted thoughts and current stressors. I was suppressing my feelings and hiding the abuse. I thought that I knew what love was, but I was sadly mistaken. My definition of love was so warped that I truly believed that what we had was real. I didn't know the pureness and the gentleness of love. I wanted to be loved so badly, that I stayed in this relationship. I wanted this love and I latched on to it. I held on to this perception, while sacrificing my self-esteem and my self worth. I excused the abusive behaviors and degrading remarks. All the signs were there. I saw the red flags and they were screaming WARNING to my soul! I saw these signs, but I usually turned my focus to something else, because in my mind I didn't want to understand it and my heart couldn't comprehend it. This set up for love, set me back from learning. The signs were there in the beginning. I just chose to ignore them. I ignored the manipulation and the insulting comments. Sometimes he would act jealous of my friends and family. He often blamed me for his problems and his bad moods. He wound reverse the situation, and make me feel like I was the source of the disorder in the relationship. He played innocent, and told me that I was the one who was too controlling, and that he was hurt and insulted by my actions. But, as soon as I defended myself, he would quickly get mad. These power plays were used to make me feel guilty for something he had done, which was usually followed by accusations of me doing things I hadn't even thought of doing. He would always do just enough to test the waters. He tried me many times just to see what he could get away with. He spent just enough time with me to make up for the mess up he had already made. I think I loved the thought of just having a man, more than the man himself. I have seen many women who sacrifice so much, just to say "I got a man." I too, sacrificed a lot and I loved hard, but he was not loving me back. I gave, but he was constantly taking. I gave my heart, my time, and my love, but he wasn't giving back! I was loosing myself in him. I was loosing my identity, my self-esteem, and my confidence, all in the name of LOVE!!! I was usually surrounded by him and his friends. I tried to invite him to gatherings with me and some of my friends, but he usually found a way to not go, because he said that he was not comfortable being around me and my college friends, and that I usually ignored him when I was with my friends. I wanted to accommodate him and do what made him comfortable, so I continued to hang out with him and his friends. I was allowing him to tell me what clothes to wear, how to wear my hair, and where I could and could not go. I was more focused on him and his needs that I usually neglected myself and my own needs.
Excerpted from Looking 4 Love ... in all the wrong places by Kamekio Danielle Lewis Copyright © 2010 by Kamekio Danielle Lewis . Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Forward (Lavonne Hamby)....................xi
Chapter 1: Tell It Like It Is....................1
Chapter 2: Living in my past....................5
Chapter 3: My Friend: Grace & Mercy....................19
Chapter 4: Why Me?....................25
Chapter 5: Choices....................31
Chapter 6: Shacking....................35
Chapter 7: No more Pretending....................43
Chapter 8: The Signs....................59
Chapter 9: Daddy's little girl....................63
Chapter 10: Looking for love....................79
Chapter 11: Starting Over....................87
Chapter 12: Forgiveness....................95
Chapter 13: A New Day!....................105
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
Looking 4 love...in all the wrong places is an inspiring and motivational story about domestic abuse. The author uses the main character to tell the story of the horrors of domestic abuse and how it can control one's life. It is inspiring and motivational because the character is able to find the spiritual strength as well as support from family and friends to remove herself from domestic abuse. Through the character's experience she is able to discover what love really means and how it enhances one's life instead of destroying it. This book provides hope for anyone who is struggling with an abusive situation.
Looking 4 Love...In All The Wrong Places is an inspirational book that allows the reader to visualize how the author portrayed the main character. It gives those individuals that have been victims of domestic violence the motivation and strength to hopefully leave the situation she/he are in. This book educates and inform....It is a must read, and the scriptures throughout the book encourages the reader to want to learn more.... KUDOS to the Author!!!
Helllo lovely * sexy malwerecat* i would like yourr $$#&$&#% now ;) im here
You people or cats or Whatever you are are disgusting. Go find something else bette to do then this.... jesus....
I love u
Okay. Lets do it right now!!!!
The people below me are nasty
Lol its oy im here now
Lays there, waiting foe a sexy male werecat to take her virginity
If u lookin or mate go to calmness frst result ad ask.
Sticks her tounge in fawnfurs p u s s y....
I was very inspired by this book. I too was in an abusive relationship, this relationship lasted for 3 years and I honestly wish I would've read this book before or during that time. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason-this book was written just for me! After reading that book, I found out that I was holding on to the pain, embarrassment, and guilt of being an abused woman. This book help me to not only let go of all that hurt and pain but to also forgive the man who hurt me mentally, physically, and verbally for all those years. I feel that the writer, Kamekio Lewis, is a god sent person and I'm looking forward to her next book!!