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Overview
In this down-to-earth, practical new book, #1 New York Times bestselling author Dr. Les Parrott provides a simple plan to improve all of your relationships—with family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers. Dr. Parrott takes the latest findings from psychology and sociology and blends them with biblical teaching to reveal five transformative ways of relating to people demonstrated by Jesus himself:
- be mindful
- be approachable
- be grace-filled
- be bold
- be self-giving
Each chapter contains a self assessment, and the results will aid your growth and help you revolutionize your relationships.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781400207817 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Nelson, Thomas, Inc. |
| Publication date: | 09/04/2018 |
| Pages: | 240 |
| Sales rank: | 145,625 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.40(w) x 7.90(h) x 1.10(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
MINDFUL
Don't you see the point of all this?
— Jesus
The two hundred university students in my psychology class have no idea what's about to happen. But in a few moments, they will be dumbfounded.
I'm showing them a brief video containing six basketball Players — some dressed in black, some in white. The people in white have a basketball and, during the film, pass it to one another. I ask the students to watch the video and count the number of times they pass the ball.
At the end of the film, I have one simple question: "Did you spot the gorilla?"
Most students look at me blankly. You can see it on their faces: Gorilla? Has Dr. Parrott lost his mind? Before they have time to process my question, I show the brief film again but tell them to forget the counting — "Just watch the film this time."
I show the very same video. And the reactions are fascinating. Some are stunned into silence, slack-jawed. Some laugh uncontrollably. Some question whether I'm showing a completely different video.
But I'm not.
Halfway through the brief film, a man dressed as a gorilla slowly saunters through the players, beats his chest at the camera and then walks off. It's plain as day. How could anyone miss it?
But nearly every one of my students does miss it. And they aren't the only ones. The film, known as the "invisible gorilla" test, was developed by Harvard researchers Dan Simons and Christopher Chabris. They wanted to show us that we are not as attuned to our environment as much as we think we are. In fact, we often miss what's right in front of us.
The study has been replicated with countless variations since they first conducted the research in 1999. The gorilla has been replaced with everything from a moon-walking bear to a clown on a unicycle — and to unsuspecting audiences they're all just as "invisible" as the gorilla.
One of my favorite variations of the study involves a group of credentialed radiologists at a prestigious Boston hospital who continually fail to spot a dancing gorilla placed on a CT scan for a typical lung screening. Using eye-tracking technology, researchers could see the radiologists looking straight at the gorilla on the slide, yet only 16 percent of radiologists spotted it.
In another experiment, people who were walking across a college campus were asked by a stranger for directions. During the resulting chat, two men carrying a wooden door passed between the stranger and the subjects. After the door went by, the subjects were asked if they had noticed anything change. Half of those tested failed to notice that, as the door passed by, the stranger had been substituted with a man who was of different height, of different build, and who sounded different. He was also wearing different clothes. Despite the fact that the subjects had talked to the stranger for ten to fifteen seconds before the swap, half of them did not detect that they were now speaking to a different person.
The point of these studies is plain: we humans are astonishingly prone to missing what should be abundantly obvious. The researchers call it "perceptual blindness." We look but fail to see. Or we see without observing. In other words, because of a lack of attention, we become blind to what's going on in plain sight.
And make no mistake: we are all susceptible to this kind of "blindness" — until we become attentive. Until we become mindful.
The Mindfulness of Jesus
Jesus "saw" what others didn't. In fact, the Gospels mention that Jesus "saw" forty times. And when he "saw," he was almost always moved with compassion.
An unexpected encounter Jesus had while traveling to Jerusalem through Jericho is a prime example of Jesus seeing beyond the obvious. Famous for its great palm trees and balsam groves that perfumed the air for miles around, Jericho was a desirable place to live. And because this town near the Jordan River was so pleasant, it became one of the most highly taxed towns in Israel.
Of course, at the time, Israel was part of the Roman Empire, and Rome did everything it could to squeeze towns like Jericho for as much money as possible. But rather than having Romans collect the taxes, the government found a few greedy Israelites to do the collecting for them. They'd auction off an area to an unscrupulous local who would then scheme ways to collect as much tax money as possible.
These conniving tax collectors literally sold out their fellow citizens to their enemy, Rome, just to make a profit. Not surprisingly, they were despised. Nobody trusted a tax collector. Imagine the feelings you might have toward a countryman who made lots of money by becoming a spy for an enemy country or a ruthless pimp or Mafia member.
One of these lowlife tax collectors was a man named Zacchaeus. In fact, he was a chief tax collector, which meant he was good at collecting taxes from the rich and poor alike, and he had others working for him. It also meant he was corrupt to the core and incredibly despised. Money was his sole motive, even if it cost him everything else — friends, respect, and decency. He literally bet his life on wealth to make him happy. But it wasn't working.
That's what Jesus saw. Nobody else saw Zacchaeus the way Jesus did.
As Jesus makes his way into Jericho, a crowd grows. Zacchaeus couldn't get a good view of this man who is creating all the commotion, so he climbs up a tree. He wants to see over the crowd, and he's probably wanting to hide. A tax collector with his reputation isn't trying to be conspicuous.
But Jesus draws closer, spying someone in the tree. Looking up, with hundreds of people gathering around, Jesus says one word: "Zacchaeus." The crowd can't believe it. Neither can the tax collector. He thought he was going to watch from a safe distance, and all of a sudden Jesus is calling his name and asking him to climb down. Incredibly, Jesus wants to visit with Zacchaeus at his home. The crowd is murmuring: "Why would he want to see this traitor?" Everyone went out of their way to avoid Zacchaeus, and Jesus is initiating a house call with him!
Why? Because Jesus sees what the crowd did not. While "all who saw it," as Luke says, were repulsed by Zacchaeus, Jesus treats this crooked and broken man with dignity. Jesus sees that Zacchaeus, the man who sold his soul for money, is empty and alone. Jesus sees that Zacchaeus no longer wants to live a life of dishonesty and greed. He's done sinning against God and his own people. Zacchaeus wants to come out of hiding, pay back the people he's cheated, and follow Jesus.
It's one of the most dramatic conversion stories in the Bible. And it was the result of Jesus seeing what others didn't.
The life of Jesus is filled with these perceptive incidents. Where others saw a paralyzed man, Jesus saw faith. Where others saw a political traitor, Jesus saw a new disciple. Where others saw crowds of harassing people, Jesus saw people being harassed. Where others saw sinners, Jesus saw people in need of mercy. How did Jesus see what others didn't? It comes down to being mindful.
What Keeps Us from Being Mindful?
I can answer this question with one word: agendas. Everyone has an agenda. All the time. It may be to save money, save time, read a book, book a flight, buy clothes, look cool, watch the news, complete a project, make food, make a call, play a game, run an errand — the list goes on and on. There is no end to it.
Your agenda is nothing more than your immediate goal. That includes what you want to do (finish this chapter, decide on dinner plans, take a walk), what you want to feel (enlightened, challenged, superior), and what you want to talk about (a vacation, a project at work, how you felt hurt last night).
Your personal agenda is continually updated and revised. And it's a powerful force. It compels you to keep your focus on your goal. Like an executive running a high-powered board meeting, you don't want to veer away from your agenda because it means you may not reach your goal. Every moment of every day we have an agenda.
Well, almost.
We all have a personal agenda until we don't. Every one of us has the capacity to set aside our self-interest, temporarily. We have the ability at any time to press the pause button on what we want. And that's the moment we see other people who have their own agendas. That's the moment we become mindful. That's the moment we make room for love.
The person who is unwilling to set aside their own agenda is like a person who is wearing mirrored sun-glasses with the lenses flipped around. As they look out at the world, all they can see is a reflection of their own needs and desires. It's called egocentrism — the well-established psychological phenomenon of not being able to recognize other people's needs. In the normal hum-drum of life, it's easy to become incredibly self-absorbed. We're consumed with what we need to do or where we need to be. If we aren't intentional, it becomes second nature. We become so self-absorbed and detached from others that we only think about ourselves. Other people's needs or feelings don't cross our minds.
Here's the hard truth: Loving like Jesus is not efficient. It takes time away from our own agenda-driven pace. It can mean losing control of your schedule. It causes us to get sidetracked with another person who is not on our agenda. And that's what keeps us from being mindful. If you want to love like Jesus, you need to abandon your own agenda, if only temporarily, to see what others don't.
How Mindful Are You?
If you're curious to get a little snapshot of how inclined you currently are to practice mindfulness in order to love others well, take a moment to honestly indicate how frequently you experienced each of the following over the past week. You can complete your self-test online at LoveLikeThatBook.com and receive a summary of your progress along the way.
Now take a moment to review these items. If most of your answers are "often" and "very often," you're well on your way to being mindful. Your disposition to willingly set aside your own agenda is strong and will serve you well. If, on the other hand, most of your answers are "never" and "rarely," you will benefit significantly from Jesus' teaching on being mindful. In fact, you are in a prime place to see the proverbial needle move toward positive change in your capacity to set your own agenda aside to see what others don't.
What Jesus Taught Us About Being Mindful
By all accounts, Jesus was a masterful teacher. One of his favorite ways to teach was through a story or parable. The Gospels recount nearly fifty different parables from Jesus, each of them simple, memorable, and profound. Consider the good Samaritan, one of the most popular parables. The very phrase "good Samaritan" has been enshrined in our culture by its use in the names of hospitals and care centers worldwide. It's a story that's told and retold in classes and sermons every week. It is one of those passages, like the Christmas and Easter stories, which probably wear out professional preachers because its point seems obvious: be kind to those who are down on their luck. But once you understand the background of this well-known teaching from Jesus, its lesson becomes far more profound. The original impact of the parable is lost without understanding its context. Today the positive figure of the Samaritan is almost a cultural given. But when Jesus gave this lesson, a Samaritan would have been the exact opposite, a notorious bad guy. He's the last person you'd expect to be hailed as a positive example.
Jesus' target audience for his teaching, the Jews, hated Samaritans. They regarded Samaritans as the worst of the worst, in part because they violated Jewish law by worshipping idols and they harbored criminals and outlaws. So how could Jesus set up a Samaritan as the hero of this story? From the Jewish perspective, it's a bit like Jesus telling a modern-day story involving a "good Nazi." How could he expect to win over his audience?
But he does.
You already know what happens in this dramatic tale of a roadside mugging, but let me remind you. "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho," Jesus said, "and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him, and departed, leaving him half dead." Everyone who was listening knew about the seventeen-mile Jericho Road that led to Jerusalem. It was lined with caves that made good hideouts for desperadoes.
Jesus goes on to describe how a priest, a pillar of the community with a personal agenda driving him to the temple, quickly walked by the beaten man, apparently giving the man in need no notice whatsoever.
Then Jesus introduces a second-level priest, still an expert in the Jewish law, known as a Levite. He definitely sees the man in pain, giving him a good look, but keeps walking.
Then a jarring plot twist. A villain, a person from Samaria, comes along. He's the one least likely to show compassion for the man. But he did. He sees this man in dire need of help, and he goes above and beyond what anyone would expect. He dresses the man's wounds with wine (to disinfect) and oil (to soothe the pain). He puts the man on his animal and takes him to an inn for a time of healing. And the Samaritan pays the innkeeper with his own money.
In historical context, it's easy to see that Jesus' parable is about more than helping someone in need. He is saying, "Open your eyes, and see what even the most religious and most devout are missing right in front of them." He's saying that even if your personal agenda seems holy and righteous, you may need to set it aside if you are to be loving.
Jesus is teaching us about being mindful.
Princeton University psychologists John Darley and Daniel Batson conducted a landmark study years ago that is now recounted in nearly every university course on social psychology. I want you to know about it. Here's what happened: The researchers met with a group of seminarians individually and asked each to prepare a short extemporaneous talk, then walk over to a nearby building on the campus to present it. Along the way to give their talk, each student ran into a man set up by the researchers, an actor. He was in obvious need of help, slumped over, head down, eyes closed, coughing and groaning. The question was, who would stop and lend a hand?
To highlight the results, Darley and Batson introduced some variables. For example, they varied the topic the students were to talk on. Some were asked to speak on their vocation as a member of the clergy. Others were given the parable of the good Samaritan. Also, for some students, the experimenter would look at his watch and say, "Oh, you're late. They were expecting you a few minutes ago. We'd better get moving." In other cases, he would say, "It will be a few minutes before they're ready for you, but you might as well head over now."
Which of these seminary students do you think was most likely to stop to help the man in need? If you're like almost everyone else, you'd say that those who had just read the parable of the good Samaritan would be the most likely to stop and help. Almost everyone says that. But they are wrong.
In fact, having just read the story of Jesus' teaching made almost no difference. "It is hard to think of a context in which norms concerning helping those in distress are more salient than for a person thinking about the Good Samaritan, and yet it did not significantly increase helping behavior," Darley and Batson concluded. "Indeed, on several occasions, a seminary student going to give his talk on the parable of the Good Samaritan literally stepped over the victim as he hurried on his way."
We all struggle to set aside self-interest and let go of our personal agenda. Pride, not to mention our schedule — our agenda — seems to continually interfere with our loving efforts. No wonder Jesus relayed the story of the good Samaritan.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Love Like That"
by .
Copyright © 2018 Les Parrott.
Excerpted by permission of Thomas Nelson.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Introduction: Love Like Jesus? xv
Chapter 1 Mindful 1
Chapter 2 Approachable 27
Chapter 3 Grace-Full 57
Chapter 4 Bold 89
Chapter 5 Self-Giving 119
Conclusion: How Is This Even Possible? 147
Appendix: How to Make Loving Like That a Habit 169
Acknowledgments 185
About the Author 187
Notes 189
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