-Pam Grout, author of the New York Times bestseller E-Squared: Nine Do-It-Yourself Energy Experiments That Prove Your Thoughts Create Your Reality
Your spouse walked away. You seek help, but your therapy sessions leave you feeling worse. You feel misunderstood by well-meaning friends and relatives who insist that you'll "find someone else." Your online search on divorce recovery paints a glum picture of your future.
All you want is peace. You want to be empowered to emerge from the hole of despair you're in, and to regain control of your life. You want the answer to your main question: Is there hope for me?
Magnificent ... Married or Not: Reaching your Highest Self Before, During, and After Divorce has the answer you're seeking. Based on the author's own healing journey, this practical and inspirational book is your personal guide to rescuing yourself from the pain of separation or divorce, and shifting to a life of meaning.
Magnificent ... Married or Not allows you to use this most turbulent time in your life as a springboard to reach the highest and purest place: conscious contact with your Source. Once you've returned to the truth, you will heal-and then everything will be possible for you!
"Cloris Kylie's breakthrough, master guide shows us how to be our best and to live in awareness during and after the breakdown of a marriage."
-Elizabeth Hamilton-Guarino, author of PERCOLATE: Let Your Best Self Filter Through
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MAGNIFICENT ... Married or Not
Reaching your Highest Self Before, During, and After Divorce
By CLORIS KYLIE
Balboa PressCopyright © 2014 Cloris Kylie
All rights reserved.
Your Place in the Energy Spectrum
"If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency, and vibration." —Nikola Tesla
The universe is a bundle of energy. There is energy that you can see, touch, and smell in the tangible world, such as the energy of a peanut butter sandwich, and there is also energy you can subconsciously feel in the intangible world, such as the energy of the electromagnetic field around your cellphone. Low- or slow-energy frequencies are associated with the tangible world, while fast- or high-energy frequencies are associated with that which is invisible to the human eye.
Several scholars have explored the concept of energy fields and their relationship to our states of being. I find that Wayne Dyer's interpretation is one of the easiest to understand. In There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem, Dyer asserts that:
1. Everything vibrates, everything moves.
2. Faster vibrations mean getting closer to "spirit."
3. Slower vibrations keep us in the world of "problems."
4. You can choose to eliminate whatever interferes with increasing your vibrational field.
5. You can negotiate the presence of factors in your life to increase your frequency of vibrations.
Emotions such as anger, fear, and shame are rooted in low-energy fields. Joy, forgiveness, and compassion belong to high-energy fields. The energy field with the highest vibration is that of God (love). The energy of Spirit is intangible, but we can subconsciously feel the presence of this omnipotent force in our lives.
I suggest you close your eyes and ask yourself if you have ever felt that there is an omnipotent, omnipresent, immutable form of energy that allowed you to grow and develop from a cluster of cells in your mother's womb to a human being. I'm certain your answer will be yes. You know deep in your heart that this energy is the same that guides a flock of migrating geese or starts the blossoming of trees in the spring. This is the energy that drives you to love others. This energy has led you to read this book.
What is the role of energy during the breakdown of your marriage? Chances are you have aligned yourself with low-energy fields, which are dragging you away from Spirit. You want to heal and be truly happy, but this can only occur when you have cleaned your connection with your Highest Self by rising to higher energy fields.
Note that I say you need to "clean your connection" rather than to "establish connection." The reason is that regardless of what you have done or felt in the past, or the way you feel now, the connection already exists.
Let's draw an analogy between the connection with your Highest Self and a phone connection. If the phone line isn't working properly, you won't be able to understand what the other person is saying, you'll miss portions of the conversation, or you might not even be able to contact the other person. If the connection is clean and strong, you'll be able to fully communicate and enjoy the conversation. The connection was there all along; it only needed to be freed of interference.
When your connection with your Highest Self is clean, you move toward God realization. When you are God realized, your spiritual connection is so pure that there's no pain or suffering in your life. When you are God realized, problems disappear.
Achieving complete God realization might not be possible for you. After all, there have only been a few human beings on this planet who have thoroughly and immutably cleaned their connection with their own divinity. But by moving toward a higher energy field, you will know you are on the right path. You'll experience the happiness that results from being on this path.
David Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D., completed one of the most compelling studies about human consciousness. In his book, Power vs. Force, Dr. Hawkins explains the result of twenty years of investigation to calibrate the energy of people, objects, and feelings. Hawkins used the outcome of his kinesiology tests to create a map of consciousness, which uses a logarithmic scale from zero (death) to 1,000 (pure divinity). The slowest energies are clustered in the lower range of the scale, with shame calibrating 20 on the scale, dangerously close to death. Levels below 200 are destructive, and represent "force." Levels above 200 are constructive, and represent "power." In short, the 200 level is the threshold at which humans start to be aligned with Spirit. Since most people calibrate below 200 even if they aren't feeling distressed, people in your situation will usually sink below the 200 level for extended periods of time—sometimes for the rest of their lives.
Per Hawkins, clinical kinesiology muscle testing shows that negative mental stimuli (low-energy fields) produce physical weakness. Learning how kinesiology works allowed me to understand why my anger and sadness had made me ill. My hair was falling out, my skin was breaking out, and a general feeling of malaise was part of my day-to-day existence.
Being aware of the existence of high-energy and low-energy fields will allow you to understand the physical manifestations of your current thoughts and emotions. The most common symptoms of depression are sleep disturbances, a sense of sadness, irritability, a change in appetite, restlessness, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, trouble thinking, crying spells, back pain, headaches, and loss of interest in daily activities. As you can see, symptoms of depression are nothing more than symptoms of your alignment with low-energy fields. Slow-energy frequencies result in physical weakness. Fast-energy frequencies result in physical strength.
Being aware of where you are in the energy spectrum is the first step into moving toward faster energies and, as a result, toward becoming your strongest and Highest Self.CHAPTER 2
Sinking into Low-Energy Fields
"The angry, condemning person who sends out destructive thoughts, feeling, or speech to another who is poised in his own God power, receives back to himself the quality with which he charged this power." —Master Saint Germain
Regardless of your country of origin, culture, and socioeconomic status, you'll experience feelings similar to those of other people who have gone through, or are going through, separation and divorce, because you and they share the same fountain of human consciousness. You're connected to every person on the planet, so it's likely that you'll see your own feelings reflected on the list below, which is based on my memories.
No matter what your negative feelings are or how much they have weakened you emotionally and physically, I want you to take comfort in knowing you're not alone.
The low-energy feelings I experienced were:
Petrification: Paralyzing fear
Emptiness: An internal void
Hopelessness: No vision of a happy future
Worthlessness: A negative perception of self
Defeat: A sense of failure
Anger: A state of frustration
Thirst for justice: "Not fair" thinking
Regret: Looking back at past decisions
Uncertainty: Perception of an unsafe future
Loneliness: No "special" connection
Let's explore each one of these feelings and how they might impact your life.
Petrification: Paralyzing Fear
I'm not talking about usual fears. I'm talking about paralyzing fear, the kind that makes you want to hide under a rock. This fear makes the world around you seem unwelcoming and just plain dangerous. Even if you consider yourself a model of self-assurance and strength, you can still become paralyzed when your marriage breaks down.
I remember driving to board the train to New York City. I had completed this trip many times without trouble, but this particular trip took place shortly after my husband filed for divorce. I was afraid to drive to the station, but still hopped in the car. While on the highway, I fought the insistent urge to turn around and imagined my car careening out of control. Once I arrived at the station, I waited to buy the ticket until I realized I would miss the train if I didn't take immediate action. Ticket in hand, while waiting for the train, I considered going back home. I was petrified. Everyone around me seemed indifferent or hostile. Danger seemed to be lurking on the train tracks, behind the pillars, under the stairs.
I also felt fearful at night. My fear was stirred by nothing in particular, but I still had to double-check that the doors were locked. My dreams often turned into nightmares in which I was being chased or was in high danger. Once awake, I would picture a life away from my husband, and a sharp pang of fear would hit my stomach.
Fear became nearly a constant in my life. And ironically, every time my husband behaved in ways that hinted he might want to return to our marriage, I also experienced fear. I wondered whether I'd be betrayed once more, and whether I'd be able to withstand the pain of that experience again.
I didn't know what to do, or what to make of my terror. I had always been a very intuitive person, but my gut feeling and intuition were silenced. I wasn't sure if the voice inside that told me I was at risk was the voice of God or the voice of fear.
Emptiness: An Internal Void
The breakdown of your marriage probably left a huge void inside of you, as though someone physically sucked a huge chunk of matter out of your gut. In my case, the feeling was intense every time my husband mentioned "moving on" or "going our separate ways." The feeling lingered for longer periods after he made it official that he was leaving me and our marriage. Even immediately after a meal, I felt as though I hadn't had anything to eat in days.
When you're feeling empty, it seems that the only person who can "fix" this emptiness is your spouse. Friends, family, or even your children cannot fill the void. And when well-intentioned people say, "You're a great person! You will find someone else!" you could feel even emptier.
Hopelessness: No Vision of a Happy Future
When you sink down to low-energy fields, you might start to believe that your destiny is to exist in this unhappiness forever. If you're still unsure of the future of your marriage, you might lose hope to be able to save it and picture yourself signing divorce papers. You might also lose hope in your ability to function without your spouse. If you have already gone through the divorce, you might lose hope of finding a new partner.
When my husband filed for divorce, my despair was so strong that it immobilized me. My legs felt heavier when I walked. I was so distracted that I often would misplace things, miss appointments, and leave doors unlocked. Because I was investing all my energy in my sadness, I was living my life on autopilot.
Hopelessness and sadness grow when you fuel them with thoughts about what happened, what could have been, and what you could have done differently. If you tried to save your marriage for an extended period of time and realized that your efforts were not going to pan out, hopelessness was probably the first emotion to hit.
While I was trying to save my marriage, I would combat my sense of hopelessness with supposed hope. I hoped to turn things around and renew my relationship with my husband. It all made sense in my mind. When he called, hope would return. When he didn't call, hopelessness would take over. As an outsider, you may see how my emotional state depended on my husband's behavior. I was a prisoner of my own attachment. You may also see how I remained in a state of hoping, which is a state of lack. Finally, you may see how I assumed that if I worked really hard to save my marriage, I would achieve my goal.
I didn't realize that working hard to achieve something is not a guarantee of success. Working hard to achieve something and visualizing yourself succeeding are very powerful tools, but their power will depend on whether your desires are aligned with your Highest Self. We'll explore the power of visualization in Part Three of this book.
Worthlessness: A Negative Perception of Self
Being left behind in your marriage, whether or not it was for another person, is one of the strongest forms of rejection you'll experience. You're being rejected by the person you called your soul mate, life partner, and family. Such rejection might make you feel unworthy of love. You might compare yourself to others and conclude that everyone who's in a romantic relationship must be better than you. Otherwise, why were you abandoned and not them?
My experiences with separation and divorce strongly impacted my sense of self-worth. My husband's rationalization to justify his infidelity and his decision to leave me was that I had too many flaws. I thought that something was wrong with me if I couldn't meet all of his expectations. I thought that I hadn't worked hard enough to be like everyone else, or at least to be as perfect as my husband wanted me to be.
Feeling worthless has myriad negative ramifications in your life, and I consider it to be one of the most dangerous negative emotions you might experience. If you are worthless, you are not lovable. If you feel unlovable, you'll avoid others so no one can judge you, you'll treat your body poorly, and you'll be incapable of extending love to those around you.
Defeat: A Sense of Failure
When your spouse told you he or she was considering divorce, you probably did whatever you thought you could to rescue your marriage.
Bought marriage-saving books and tried to engage your spouse in your efforts to rescue the relationship.
Pleaded for him or her to reconsider.
Tried to prove why your spouse's decision was a mistake.
Became needy and clingy.
Bargained to make your spouse stay.
In short, you put all your energy into what wasn't working in your life: your marriage.
This is exactly what I did. Despite my efforts, my journey of nearly three years spent investing all my energy in my failing marriage still resulted in divorce. You might be wondering why I continued my efforts for such a long time. The reason is that I grew up believing that if I did my best to achieve a goal, I would achieve it. I was shocked that the outcome of my hard work wasn't what I had expected. One of my core beliefs had been shattered. I felt defeated, and you might feel as though you've lost a battle, too.
Anger: A State of Frustration
You might be really angry. Enraged, in fact. With hopelessness and failure usually comes frustration, and with frustration, usually comes anger. The anger might come and go, or it could settle into a dark corner inside you to fester for a long time.
Anger will make you impatient and short tempered. Anger will make you snap at your loved ones. Anger will steal your sleep and make your heart race in the darkness of the night. Anger will cloud your thinking. Anger will take over your life if you let it.
Anger was one of the most debilitating feelings I experienced. I was physically weakened by my anger, and couldn't concentrate on anything else but my negative emotions. Instead of dissipating, my angry thoughts usually led to more insistent anger, because I was neurotically angry about being so angry. I had a sense of separation from love. I felt hatred. I wanted to break something. I wanted to hit someone. I didn't like people. I was short tempered, impatient. And when I thought I had finally overcome anger, it would come back, usually after something triggered a bad memory or after my husband said or did something that I would find hurtful or offensive.
Thirst for Justice: "Not Fair" Thinking
"This is not fair!" you probably say to yourself. Your friends and relatives tell you that you don't deserve to be rejected in such a way by the person who promised to be by your side for the rest of your life.
The sense of there being unfairness in your life leads to frustration, and as you already know, frustration leads to anger. You're not a horrible person, so why is this horrible thing happening to you? Bad things should not happen to good people, right? Good things are not supposed to happen to bad people such as your spouse, who is apparently having an amazing time on his or her own. The thirst for "justice" kicks in. You want to "get even." As a result, you fall into the trap of revenge, which we'll explore in the next chapter of this book.
Excerpted from MAGNIFICENT ... Married or Not by CLORIS KYLIE. Copyright © 2014 Cloris Kylie. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Author's Note, xxiii,
PART 1: ENERGY,
Chapter 1: Your Place in the Energy Spectrum, 1,
Chapter 2: Sinking into Low-Energy Fields, 5,
Chapter 3: Rising to High-Energy Fields, 15,
Chapter 4: Using Your Life's Currency: The Law of Attraction, 45,
PART 2: FROM EGO TO YOUR HIGHEST SELF,
Chapter 5: Your Highest Self vs. Your Ego: Always a Winning Battle, 53,
Chapter 6: Disconnection to Connection: Going Where You Belong, 57,
Chapter 7: Attachment to Detachment: Breaking the Chains, 77,
Chapter 8: Resistance vs. Allowing: Letting Go, 109,
Chapter 9: Blaming vs. Taking Ownership: Reclaiming Your Power, 115,
PART 3: TOOLS FOR THE JOURNEY,
Chapter 10: Your Imagination: The Power of Your Subconscious Mind, 123,
Chapter 11: The Way to Learn: You Can Be a Step Ahead, 133,
Chapter 12: An Open Mind: Your Key to Beating Uncertainty, 141,
Chapter 13: Patience: Your Thousand-Mile Journey, 145,
Chapter 14: Meditation: Your Calm Revolution, 149,
PART 4: THE POWER OF YOUR HIGHEST SELF,
Chapter 15: Synchronicity: Tapping into the Power of Your Highest Self, 155,
Appendix A: Tricky Situations, 159,
Appendix B: Ten Topics for Reflection, 179,
About the Author, 189,