At the beginning of our relationship each time he portrayed himself as the man I had thought he was years before. Within a period of time he began to manipulate me into fear and take control of my life to benefit himself. All three times in the beginning of my relationship with Rolf he was dedicated to Christ, was family-oriented, charming, kind, respectful, and loving, complimented me all the time, apologized for his actions, and knew how to make me feel sorry for him.
Shortly after I would marry him he would begin to manipulate and con me into doing things I did not want to do. Rolf would call me uncountable times during the day and want to know my whereabouts. He then insisted on being with me except for when I was at work. This took my time away from friends and family, and that is when the mental abuse began. He stopped complimenting me and began calling me names making me feel worthless, and told me that nobody liked me. When I would accuse him of wrongdoings he would become outraged, screaming at me and using profanity. After he gained control of me, the physical abuse began. Later, I learned that I had repeatedly been involved with a psychopath and that there is always a pattern. Get out of the relationship and don't go back! The person will never change!
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About the Author
Marvela Dawnay grew up in a small town in Missouri. She was a corporate executive and then later became a successful entrepreneur. She has attended two universities and served in the US Army Reserves for six years. Due to the mental and physical abuse she endured by her ex-husband she wrote this book with the intent to help others.
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MANipulated Into FearThere Is Always A Pattern
By Marvela Dawnay
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2012 Marvela Dawnay
All right reserved.
Chapter OneReunited and Falling in Love
I am forty-eight years old and just purchased a .38 caliber revolver. Shortly after my purchase I completed the course entitled Missouri Concealable Weapons Class. I qualified, so now I have my right to carry a weapon.
My nightmare of hell began when I reunited with Rolf and fell in love. I had been working in banking for thirteen years. I was sitting in my office when my phone rang. I answered, "Welcome to Sunshine Bank. This is Marvela. How may I help you?"
"Marvela, this is Rolf. How are you?"
I thought I recognized the voice and said, "Is this Rolf from high school?"
He said, "Yes, this is Rolf." The blood rushed through my body with a burning sensation. I could not believe that he was calling me after all these years. Rolf told me that he got my phone number from my mom and that it took a month before she would give it to him. At the time I did not know why she would not give him my phone number, but I found out later. We talked, and he asked me to go to lunch with him that following Sunday, December 18, 1998. I was so excited; I will never forget that day.
I had been a single parent for five years, and LaKina was thirteen. We had been living in an apartment all that time. The car I had was a Volvo my ex-husband and I had shipped to the United States from Germany. I loved my car. The stock I purchased with the bank split, so I had a down payment to buy a new condominium. It was located in a beautiful subdivision five miles from our apartment. We could have pets, so LaKina and I got two kittens. We were so happy and excited about everything.
Before we moved I had been diagnosed with cervical cancer. Shortly after we moved I had to have a D&C and a tubal. It was outpatient surgery, and it went very well. My mom was with me through the whole procedure.
Sunday afternoon finally came. My condominium was a mess from moving. There was a knock at my door. Before I answered the door I told LaKina that if we liked Rolf we would all three go to lunch. I opened the door, and there he stood—the man I had such a crush on for so many years. After the three of us talked I asked my daughter, "Would you like to go to lunch with Rolf?"
She said, "Yes."
It was a very cold and icy day, so Rolf had to drive the car slowly. Lunch was wonderful. It was as if the three of us had been together forever. After lunch we had to go to my old apartment and finish cleaning it. Rolf was so helpful and had no problem helping us. The weather was bitter cold, and the roads were a bit icy. I am a persistent lady and wanted a new phone from a store that was twenty miles away. Rolf was so wonderful. Even in the bad weather he drove us to the store to buy it. When we got back home it was love all over again. Rolf knew how to caress and charm me like no other man had done before. I did not know what he had been doing for the past sixteen years, although I was sure to find out.
By the end of the night Rolf told me he was living at a halfway house and working in a factory. Even though I was happy to see Rolf I did wonder why he was tall and very thin with a white, discolored complexion. He continued to tell me why he had a 1988 Corolla, thrift-shop clothing, and horrible credit. He told me that he had been in prison due to drugs and he was on parole and had to go see a parole officer monthly. I remembered quite well that Rolf and his family had a great reputation and a lot of money. I knew he liked to drink a lot of beer and liquor and that he had used drugs in the past, but I was not aware of his addictive personality and the severity of his addictions. I had no idea what was in stake for me. I shrugged my shoulders to his past and wanted to love him again as before. I just knew I could help him and we would always be together. All I ever wanted in life was for someone to love me and to be with them forever. This was the man I had been waiting for, and it seemed so perfect.
After that wonderful reunited Sunday, Rolf began coming over to my house in the evenings. When we made love it was as though our bodies were one. Rolf was so kind and passionate. I did notice that he had a big scar on the upper part of his chest and shoulder. It looked like he had been burned. I asked him what happened, and he would not tell me. He would have to leave by 9:00 since he had a curfew at the halfway house. After about two weeks he asked permission to move in with LaKina and me. I talked to LaKina and found that she was okay with it. She enjoyed having him around. He was such a great, charming, helpful man and quite a dad considering he had no children of his own. He helped me clean the house all the time. He gave me his paychecks to help pay our bills and took me shopping and out to fancy expensive dinners—how could I resist such a great guy? Every day he would call me ten to fifteen times. It drove me crazy, so I asked him, "Why do you call me so much?"
He said, "I have to be accounted for because of my past." I was not sure what he meant by this; however, I did not mind, because I liked the attention. Rolf told me every day how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. Of course I let him move in with us.
LaKina had some friends who asked her to go to church with them. She decided to go, and after that she attended church every Sunday and even joined the youth group. She asked Rolf and me to go with her to church, so we did. We really enjoyed it, and I even began singing in the choir. LaKina would read and study the Bible daily. Rolf and I had Bible study every morning. We had grown into the perfect family. We even bought each other a gold chain with a cross on it. Rolf and I did not party or drink. He chewed tobacco, and sometimes he would smoke cigarettes. I also smoked, and he did not give me a hard time about it. For entertainment we would go to his parents' or my parents' and have dinner or just visit. I had not been very close to my real father and stepmom, Alice. We decided to invite them to my house for dinner so they could meet Rolf's parents, Ray and Helma. By doing this I could renew my relationship with my dad.
It was the beginning of spring. Rolf and I had been together for three months. I always went on long walks and worked out on my weight bench, so Rolf decided to do this with me. His color started coming back in his face, and he was getting in real good shape. Man, was he looking good! He was tall, 225 pounds, and looked really healthy. He began wanting to drink a little wine. When I mentioned this to his mother she would tell me, "Rolf knows that he cannot drink wine, and bad things will happen if he drinks liquor." Rolf would tell me that his mom did not know what she was talking about.
We began going out and having wine with our meals and keeping wine at home to drink every now and then. As time went on the wine led to hard liquor, and Rolf would drink ten hard-liquor drinks and not want to stop. All the while, he had such composure. I could not understand it. We had so much fun when we went out. There is a saying: "If a couple can dance well together, then the sex is good." Well, guess what—whoever said that knew what they were talking about. We danced the night away. Rolf really liked sex and wanted it all the time. He seemed to enjoy making love to me. My favorite song as a duet was "Unforgettable," so when we would go out to karaoke we would sing it together. We sounded perfect when we sang this song.
We talked about getting married. Rolf and I went to a jewelry store and used my credit card to purchase a beautiful marquise diamond bridal ring set. That should have been a clue to me about how this relationship was going to be, but oh no, Rolf was in love with me, and it did not matter how we paid for the ring. We were lying in bed one night, and I looked at Rolf and said, "Are we sure we are doing the right thing?" In my mind I was thinking about the money I had put on my credit card and how I was going to pay it off. We started laughing, got up from bed, talked about it, and decided to wait to be married. The next day we took my ring back. We were so happy and in love, although things were moving way too fast.
Rolf was working at the factory but decided to start selling cars again at a car dealership. When I told his mom this she said, "Marvela, if Rolf works at a car dealership bad things could arise due to his past." I told Rolf what she said, and he assured me that everything would be okay and that was all in his past, and so he began selling cars. He was such a great car salesman, and he was making a lot of money. Man, were we rolling in the money. With my bank salary and Rolf's new job we felt like millionaires.
Everything was falling into place for Rolf, just like he planned it. Rolf's father cosigned on a Ford Blazer for him, so he sold the Corolla. I added Rolf to my cell phone plan and got him a cell phone. He kept asking me to build up his credit and talked me into putting his name on one of my charge cards. He then proceeded to talk me into putting him on my checking and savings account as well. Now Rolf was building his credit, living normally in society, and had it going on in his life again.
In April we decided to go to Las Vegas. By this time Rolf and I were living high on the wild side. He acted arrogant with his handsome self, and I always dressed like a model and thought I was really something. What a gorgeous couple we were. I bought Rolf the finest clothes and cologne to make him look and smell the way he acted. We dressed up every time we would go out. We even went to the tanning beds before we left on our trip.
Off to Las Vegas we went. We had so much fun. When we got to our hotel our room was not ready, so of course my wonderful boyfriend upgraded our room with a Jacuzzi and sofa sitting room. As usual we used my credit card that I had put him on as a signer. It was the perfect room for two people so in love. We always took a limousine when we went out on the town. We would go to expensive dinners, dancing and drinking every night. In the beginning of our relationship Rolf would make love to me. While we were in Vegas our sex became, to me, very nasty. I began to wonder about his past, because he would want me to do sexual things to him that I was not comfortable doing. I tried to tolerate what he liked sexually since I was so in love with him.
Rolf's parents told me before we left for Las Vegas that Rolf was not to gamble, that he gets very addicted to gambling once he starts and we could lose everything we had. When I asked Rolf about this he said, "I have total control, I will only do some gambling."
So while in Vegas he had to act like a big shot and stop by the craps tables and gamble a time or two. I told him I knew a little about blackjack, so we played the blackjack tables. We did not win or lose much money, Thank God. I asked him, "Why don't we play the slot machines?"
He said, "I'm not wasting my time on slot machines. There's no money in it."
I noticed that there was another problem I was having with Rolf. When we were around women Rolf would constantly stare at them until he got their attention. This made me very uncomfortable. I could not understand why he did this if he was in love with me. When this happened we would argue. I tried to talk to him about what he was doing, but he would never admit it.
He said, "Marvela, it's all in your mind."
Rolf had a way of making a person, including me, believe everything he would say. He was the best manipulating con you could ever meet, but at the time I did not know this. Rolf could look me in the eye and tell me that a situation was not what it appeared to be. Then he would say, "Marvela, you know how much I love you. I will never do anything to hurt you." I would melt listening to him and let go of the situation.
We were in Las Vegas for four days. This gave us plenty of time to talk about marriage again. We decided to get married sometime in July 1999 at the church we had been attending. We both wanted a big wedding with lots of friends and family. This was such a dream come true for me, and we were so excited. When we got home we began to make wedding plans. We went back to the jewelry store and purchased a beautiful marquise diamond bridal ring set again and a gold band for Rolf—on my credit card of course. Now we were engaged. My first marriage was a very small wedding. Rolf had been married twice before. His first marriage was to the younger sister of his best friend and the second marriage was to a girl who lived in a small town fifteen minutes from our hometown. He had known her from his past.
Rolf began telling me stories about his marriages. The first girl was Tammy. He told me that they got a divorce because she could not handle Rolf's ways. The last incident occurred when they were in a Jacuzzi with another couple and they wanted to swap partners. Tammy did not want to do this and was very upset. Shortly after that she filed for a divorce. His second marriage was with Diane. He told me that while he was in prison, Diane found out and started writing to him. He wrote her back and asked her to visit him in prison, so she did.
When he got out of prison he was able to go to her house and live with her. He told me that this was very convenient for him and he really did not like this woman but she was fatally attracted to him.
He said, "Marvela, I married Diane and used her to have a place to stay and act as though I was living correctly. I began using drugs again while I was with her, and then we used drugs together. She became obsessed with me. I did not want to continue the relationship after we got a divorce, but she would try to contact my parents and me all the time." Anytime her name was brought up he always said, "I never loved her, that fucking fat bitch." Later, I figured out that it was another one of his manipulating con-artist scams and Rolf was in and out of prison while he was married to her.
Diane had a daughter and a son from her first marriage. I was not sure what happened in Rolf and Diane's relationship, although I began to find out as time went on. I did not even ask Rolf what year they had divorced. I found out later that it was filed December 1997, but I do not know when it was finalized.
We went to visit Rolf's parents, and they told us that Diane and her two kids continued to come to their house on the farm to visit. They told us that when Diane and her daughter saw the pictures of LaKina and me they made horrible comments to Rolf's parents. Diane told them that the skinny bitch made her sick and the daughter asked if LaKina was cuter than her. Rolf's parents told us that they continued to give them money. They helped Diane with her bills and took the kids to their sport functions. I could not understand why Rolf's parents kept doing this for them since Rolf and I were together now.
One day I was sitting in my office at the bank and Rolf came running in with some shocking paperwork. Diane and her daughter had filed allegations in a county where they used to live stating that Rolf had done something to her daughter in prior years. We were devastated. I felt that she was doing this so that I could not be with Rolf. I began crying and asked him, "How could they be so evil?" At the time I thought her motive was that if she wasn't going to have Rolf, then nobody would.
Rolf and I prayed about this, and we did not want to be apart. We loved each other so much. He had known a female police officer, Ruth, for a long time. Ruth felt that these allegations were not true, and she had five children of her own. Rolf hired an attorney whom he had known since high school. This attorney and Ruth really helped us out with the case. The court date was in June 1999. LaKina and I were at Rolf's side through the whole thing. We went to court, and all the charges were dropped. There was no evidence backing this case. Rolf and I were so happy. We thought this would be the last time we would hear from Diane.
My work was going really well. I was the president of a civic organization and promoted to assistant vice president/community banking facility manager. I was very excited about my promotion and felt that everything was going to be fine with my personal life. Unfortunately, soon after Rolf's court date he began to change. He went from this wonderful, loving Christian man to a really arrogant, egotistic man. Our Bible study in the mornings occurred less and less. When we would go to church on Sundays and I would sing in the choir, Rolf would be staring and flirting with other women. Like usual I would ask him about it, and he would say, "We are in fucking church. It's all in your fucking mind." I finally quit singing in the choir. Since Rolf was acting so different now I did not even trust him. He traded in his Blazer for a nice dark gray Lexus with tinted windows. I let him talk me into selling my Volvo to some people so that I could pay for some of our bills. With the money I had left I financed a new Toyota Camry, and now I had a car payment.
Excerpted from MANipulated Into Fear by Marvela Dawnay Copyright © 2012 by Marvela Dawnay. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Chapter 1 Reunited and Falling in Love....................27
Chapter 2 At Work with the Devil....................40
Chapter 3 Executive Living the Dark Side....................52
Chapter 4 Trials and Tribulations....................66
Chapter 5 Playing Games....................73
Chapter 6 Lies and Affairs....................85
Chapter 7 Taken by an Addict....................102
Chapter 8 What Goes Around Comes Around (Karma)....................110
Chapter 9 Putting the Past behind Me....................122
Chapter 10 Loneliness Caused Me to Be Blind....................131
Chapter 11 Realization of Past Patterns....................141
Chapter 12 Steered in the Wrong Direction....................153
Chapter 13 Conned under Pressure....................168
Chapter 14 Light Flashes to Darkness....................178
Chapter 15 Used Up by a Snake....................193
Chapter 16 Loss of Power....................212
Chapter 17 Mentally and Financially Devastated....................231
Chapter 18 Total Control....................255
Chapter 19 Running out of Time....................270