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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781504306911 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press AU |
| Publication date: | 03/02/2017 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 182 |
| File size: | 208 KB |
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CHAPTER 1
A Meeting with Destiny
It was an ordinary morning; the alarm went off at five o'clock, but as usual, I was already awake, thinking about the day ahead of me and how to best execute the tasks. I ran a small café and was responsible for opening the doors. The earlier I got there, the earlier my regulars could stop in, hoping for a quick chat (or a lengthy talk) about life in general, their love lives, their kids, their husbands or wives, their failures and successes, and their hopes and dreams. I love that. I can't imagine what it would be like to be a therapist or counsellor; this felt somewhat similar, only without the professionalism or confidentiality, as we relied on good old-fashioned trust and friendship. Our conversations had no real boundaries; we would chat about anything and everything. I would watch as they took sips of coffee I had just made, and in that moment, I would instinctively know whether I had made it just right for them. I don't know why, but this brought me a lot of joy.
Sometimes, I would join them by having a piccolo myself, and we would share a moment or two. The taste of the coffee always provided an interlude to our conversation, changing the topic to discuss whether it was nutty or naturally sweet or bitter and so on. Some of the descriptions I received about coffee over the years were quite amusing, such as, "Ahhh, this is liquid gold," or "Ahhh, my bitter-sweet addiction."
Most of the time, people expressed their love for this delectable drink; I was proud that I served them something they loved so much. One of my regulars, Zandra, came in this particular morning. As she waved her arms in the air and called out a prolonged "Good morning," I thanked God the coffee machine didn't have to heat up, as we used it so much, I rarely turned it off.
"Good morning," I replied, and we began a philosophical conversation that was typical for Zandra and me. We spoke mainly about God and the universe, synchronicity, destiny, and so on. Our conversations were deep. That's just how she was; she intrigued me. I grew up a devout Catholic, knowing Christians my entire life, so her new-age approach always got me thinking. I am open to God and even the new-age concept of a benevolent and intelligent universe. I always suspected that organised religion got it wrong somehow. It drove my mother nuts that her third daughter questioned God and religion from the day she could speak.
Zandra fascinated me with her approach to life, love, and the universe. I could chat with her for hours on end. We became such close friends that she would follow me around the kitchen sometimes, lending a hand, but mostly picking at the food I was cooking. Sometimes, she would throw a concept my way that blew my beliefs out of the water, and I would think about it for days on end. I loved and cherished these times with Zandra.
One morning, she came in with a paper about an enlightened lady who was coming into town to give a talk, and in the usual encouraging Zandra fashion, she suggested I go with her to the event. It was one of those things where you're happy for people to talk about their beliefs until the moment they ask you to go to church, and honestly, that's how I felt. I was thinking that there was no way I wanted to join a cult or follow some guru. I didn't want to have to pretend to be space travelling in meditations while actually praying for it to be over before I fell asleep. I was interested in knowing more about God and the universe, but I had given up on the idea that particular people or groups knew the way. I grew up in organised religion and witnessed nothing but corruption: Catholic priests molesting young boys (some of whom were my friends in primary school), money laundering ("hand over all your money, and God will make you rich" mentalities), and the list goes on. I have met many important priests, bishops, and ministers, as my mother is a devout member of the church. Many of them believe in healing yet are sick, believe in compassion yet are unforgiving, and believe in community yet kick people they don't approve of out of church.
Yes, church has failed me; I was spiritually bruised from a very young age. I saw through the eyes of a child who wanted to believe in unconditional love and strongly desired to possess immense mountain-moving faith, but I couldn't find it where it was said to be found.
I took the folded paper and reluctantly opened it up. After reading the date, I grinned and said I couldn't make it, as it was my mum's birthday on that day. In typical Zandra manner, she expressed that it mustn't have been meant to be: "If the universe wanted you to be there, it would have made a way."
We had had many discussions about synchronicity and how the universe conspired to make things happen. I had gone on with my day and forgotten altogether about the event. Days had past; I hadn't thought twice about it, but on one particular day, I had finished lunch service, and a customer was explaining a situation to me and had said repeatedly that he was just "keeping it real."
He said it so many times, I thought to myself, Okay, buddy, I get it, you're keeping it real. I didn't know why the phrase was playing on my mind when I sat down in the car that afternoon to go home, but the piece of paper Zandra had given me about the event was on the front seat; I was awestruck to find that the event was called
"Keeping It Real." I could hear the Twilight Zone music in my mind and thought, Okay, that's a bit odd, but brushed it off as a coincidence and drove home.
The event was now a week away; Zandra had made several appearances that week, never mentioning the event but continuing our conversations about the universe. I had finished serving coffees during another busy morning. While I was helping our barista with coffees, my wrist had cramped up. My mobile rung, and it was my mother. She said that we would have to celebrate her birthday on another day because she and my father had an event to go to. My parents, who never really go anywhere and always leave Sundays for family, were suddenly busy. How odd. I decided that it must have been a sign and so decided to go to the event Zandra had invited me to and get enlightened.
I had pictured the lady as a small Indian woman with a monk's robe and a dot in the middle of her forehead. Don't ask me why, but it's the image that came into my head when words like "enlightened one" and "guru" had been used to describe her. Most preacher types are men, so I also felt it interesting and intriguing that she was a woman. I suppose this was, in a way, my faith reactivating a little, especially considering I had received a few universal nudges and had decided to listen to them. I had suffered at the hands of the church in many respects, and so this was a huge step for me. I felt conflicted initially for deciding to go, but I had an emptiness inside that I was trying to fill, and I was hungry for something I couldn't put my finger on: maybe acceptance, maybe a spiritual guide. I'm not sure exactly where the longing came from, but by saying yes to this event, I felt like I took a step closer to answering my life's questions.
The day finally arrived. I made my way to the entrance and walked inside; at the top of the stairs, I came upon a woman who I thought was part of the audience. She looked at me intensely, as though scanning my soul; I wanted to react and pull away, but I felt weak. She pulled me in for a hug, and I felt as though I had lost all strength. An unusual electricity ran through my spine. The thought crossed my mind that she may be a witch and was doing some black magic, but there was something about her that felt safe.
Yep, this was the woman who was giving the discourse, and for the record, she didn't look at all as I had imagined. She wore trendy ripped blue jeans and a white tee. No dot on her forehead to be found. I walked away slowly, not knowing what had just happened, and took my seat ever so quietly. She began her talk, and I was glued to her for the next six hours.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She spoke about life and love in a way that was new to me. She spoke about the universe and how it works in a way I had never heard. She spoke about life experiences, past lives, and other concepts I did not know about. The thing is, for the first time in my entire life, everything made sense; my life made sense. I understood things about myself that I hadn't explored before; I saw myself in a different light and from a totally new perspective.
The life-changing part of the event for me personally was when she discussed the subject of sexuality. It was the first time I had heard a spiritual teacher say that homosexuality and uniqueness were a blessing. Those words blew my mind and forced my heart wide open. For the first time in my existence, I loved who I was, who I am. I realised I was not sick, like I had been made to believe my entire life, and in this realisation, there was no longer an overwhelming pressure to change.
Thinking about it now, as I am writing this, I still receive the feelings of unconditional love that I felt from her to me and from me to myself. Waves of love and acceptance flowed from her to me almost as though she was telepathically teaching me how to love myself. I was just silent during the intermission, pondering everything that had been said; she approached me and put her hand on my shoulder and quietly asked if I was okay.
I responded, "Yes, I think so. I'm just processing."
To which she replied, "It can be overwhelming ... becoming aware."
Aware of what? I thought to myself, and then I realised that she was talking about being alive and being present. She has a saying that is "Where are you? Here. And what time is it? Now."
I had never seen faith in action; I had only ever heard it talked about, excluding the obvious spiritual leaders of the world. Before me stood a woman who didn't just speak about love and faith; she embodied it. I had witnessed so many Christians worrying more about being Christian than considering actually being like Christ, and yet here was this new-age-type woman who was so unreligious, making total sense about life and love.
The event came and went, but it was engraved in my heart and mind. I could not stop thinking about it all. It is important to mention here that prior to meeting this woman, I was in the middle of an extremely volatile and emotional period in my life. I would put on a smile and go to work, though I was no longer truly living, only existing, and had lost all hope about life and love. Spiritually wounded from my experiences with the church and church programs (which I'll discuss later on in this book), I was ready to give up. This woman was my hero. She had seen the darkness surrounding me and put out her hand for me to hold onto, showing me who I was in truth. She loved and accepted me for who I truly was. I will always love her for saving my life, and although I know she invoked what was already within, for that invocation, I am truly grateful.
A few months after the event, I remembered the woman saying she was available for private sessions. I felt the need to book one, as I had experienced such a huge awakening. I felt energised daily, to the point that I would wake up hyperactive after minimal sleep. I began to notice so many new things around me. I noticed my dreams a lot more. I noticed other people a lot more and took more time and care with them. I felt so alive and awake; I started taking care of myself. In fact, I lost sixty kilograms since attending the discourse, and it felt effortless. I lost a lot of weight, but I also noticed that there was no loose skin. For the amount of weight I lost, this was somewhat a miracle. I woke up wanting more out of life, but loving the here and now. Everything around me seemed more alive too, or maybe I was now simply present enough to notice the joy of being. I was revelling in this feeling of freedom, accepting who I really was in truth, and loving myself. I felt completely and utterly alive, knowing I could achieve anything. I felt strong and courageous.
Finding so much in this awakening, a part of me was lost as well. I didn't know how to process and make sense of the spiritual thirst that was still so new, and so I had a few private sessions with my new teacher. I didn't even know what this thirst was exactly. Meditation helped, and so I studied techniques and joined a meditation class. I learnt how to keep calm in a crazy world and how to connect and keep reconnecting to my true self, which I came to know as my higher self, the part of us that is, and always has been, connected to God. This higher vantage point taught me to embrace who I am with unconditional love and look at the world with eyes of unconditional love.
It was the beginning of my journey to self-actualisation.
Meeting this spiritual teacher reminded me of an event that took place six years earlier. I was in a relationship at the time, an abusive one, and the situation became so toxic that I had lost all hope and did not know what to do. My partner was abusive, and she would threaten that if I left, she would kill herself. I felt trapped, was alone, and didn't know how to deal with the situation. A friend of mine suggested I see the town psychic. This woman had a terrible reputation, and yet almost the entire town had seen her. I figured she mustn't be too bad if everyone goes to see her, and so I went. I went in the hope that she might tell me I had a bright future ahead and that if I left my girlfriend, she wouldn't kill herself. I hadn't come out at this stage and was very much in the closet. I had come out to myself but had never spoken about it with anyone, even my closest friends. It felt too hard, and I was afraid they wouldn't look at me the same.
I called and made the appointment. The woman seemed loving, kind, and welcoming. We greeted each other, and she invited me in to sit down and get comfortable. She immediately sensed the presence of my grandmother, and I immediately became emotional. She described how my grandmother lived and died, and she explained how my grandmother feels about me and my life journey.
I hadn't planned on mentioning I had a girlfriend and referred to her as my boyfriend for most of the session. Anxiety crept in as she accurately depicted my grandmother. She is good at what she does and seems like the real deal, I thought. I might be in trouble here.
The topic of relationships had come up, and I continued to refer to my partner as a male. The psychic kept saying that he had a very feminine energy, which I insisted on playing along with. The moment of truth came when she politely and very lovingly asked, "Sweetheart, is this person a woman?"
I cried in shame and for the life of me couldn't spit out the words. I was looking for words of explanation or words of reason, but I couldn't find any. She ever so gently said, "Oh honey, I don't care if you're gay or not. To me, you're human, and that is all."
I thanked her and told her that it meant a lot. I grew anxious and said that I hadn't told anyone and that I'd appreciate it if she didn't tell anyone either, as she knew the entire town, including most of the Italian community (she had married an Italian). She assured me that she would honour what was spoken about in the session, and she also went on to say that her gift was given to her to help people, not to destroy their lives. She also mentioned that I had gifts and I inherited them from my mother, who was a powerful closet psychic.
I laughed because my mother is a devout Catholic, and it just couldn't be, but one day, I asked my mother if it was if was true, and her response astonished me.
When I asked my mother if she had any spiritual gifts, she replied, "We all have them."
I then asked if she had specific gifts, like premonitions or being able to read into the future. She looked at me a little weird before telling me that when she was a child, she could see things others couldn't see, and she would sense when someone was going to die. She admitted to being able to read people well and know their intentions and what was in their hearts.
She used the words, "I could see the colours in their hearts and know about them." She finished by saying that it was a long time ago, and she asked for it to go away because it gave her anxiety and sometimes made her fearful.
The psychic also told me that I would split up with my abusive partner and that she would not go down without a fight. She also gave me some advice for what was to come in the following weeks.
After the session ended, she gave me a huge heartfelt hug and said, "Don't ever be afraid to be who you are."
I told her that I was terrified of being myself but thanked her and went on my way. The session got me thinking about life and love and being out of the closet. She was the first person I had told about my relationship with a woman. I couldn't even say the words "gay" or "lesbian" at this point. I felt a sense of relief by sharing my secret, and at the very least, I opened the closet door. Maybe it was just a toe outside the door, but it was something, and it took some weight off my shoulders.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Me"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Skyara Reign.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Preface, xi,
Acknowledgements, xiii,
Introduction, xv,
Chapter 1 A Meeting with Destiny, 1,
Chapter 2 My Upbringing, 12,
Chapter 3 Surviving Sexual Abuse, 25,
Chapter 4 Growing Up in the Church, 37,
Chapter 5 False Beliefs on Sexuality, 49,
Chapter 6 Inside Gay Rehab, 61,
Chapter 7 Coming Out, 70,
Chapter 8 Gay Community, 79,
Chapter 9 Repression, 89,
Chapter 10 Believe in Miracles, 99,
Chapter 11 Self-Acceptance, 110,
Chapter 12 The Search for Love, 124,
Chapter 13 Unconditional Love, 140,
Chapter 14 The Journey to Freedom, 151,
Chapter 15 Living in Spirit, 156,