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Mother Goose On the Loose
By Shana Black, Ivan Earl Aguilar
Trafford PublishingCopyright © 2014 Shana Black
All rights reserved.
Yea, Mother Goose, When she wanted to wander, She would cruise real cool, With the finest, buff dudes, In her red Aston Martin.
* * *
This little pig went to market, This little pig stayed home. This little pig rocked the mattress, With Ms. Muffet, All day long!
Jack and Jill went up the hill, To get a pail of water. Jack fell on his ass, Jill came tumbling pass, They decided to have a roll in the hay. Up Jack got, home did trot, As fast as he was able; To get K-Y and a condom, Because Jill was as tight as a motherf-cker!
* * *
Tom, Tom, the piper's son, Stole some coke and away he run, The coke was pure, And Tom was sure, That coke was some damn good dope. Any questions?
Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dumb, Decided to have a battle, Because Tweedle-dee said Tweedle-dumb Had smashed his shiny new rattle. Just then a big-ass crow, Flying ever so low, Scared the shit out of those two, Who promptly forgot, What the hell they were about, And vowed to fight no more.
* * *
Wee Willie Winkie, runs through the town, Upstairs, downstairs in his nightgown; Tapping at the windows, crying at the locks, "Are all you luscious chicks in bed? For now it's time to f-ck."
Little Nanny Etticoat, In a white petticoat, And a red rose. The longer she stands, The shorter she grows. Huh? (Spoiler alert!) It's a f-cking candle.
* * *
Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye, Four and twenty jailbirds hiding in a pie. When the pie was opened, The jailbirds began to sing, Now all the police chiefs, judges, and lawyers, Are in lock-up with the king.
Three wise men of Gotham, Went to sea in a bowl. My tale would've been longer, Had the bowl been stronger. Wise men? Who the hell goes to sea, or Anywhere else in a bowl. I hope "Jaws" took a bite, Out of their wise- asses!
* * *
See saw, Margery Daw, Johnny shall have a new master. A dollar a day while his wife's away, Because Johnny can't screw any faster. I guess male 'hos have problems too.
Christmas comes but once a year, And when it comes, It brings all kinds of shit: Ugly sweaters and other ills, Mothers-in-law and credit card bills. Stuff too little, and stuff too big, Makes you want to take a big old swig, Of Wild Turkey and homemade hooch. Christmas cheer is somewhat overrated, Especially if you receive one of those nasty fruitcakes.
* * *
Rock-a-bye, baby on a treetop, When the wind blows the cradle will rock. When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall, And down will come- That fifty pounds of marijuana hidden under the blankets.
There blind mice, three blind mice, See how they run, see how they run, They all ran after the farmer's wife, Who cut off their balls with a carving knife, Did you ever see such a sight in your life, As three ball-less mice. Three ball-less mice? Wanna bet, they're running after her right now, Trying to get their balls back.
* * *
Pat a cake, pat a cake, baker's man, Bake me a cake as fast as you can, Roll it, pat it, and mark it with T Then I won't get caught Smoking weed, you see.
Excerpted from Mother Goose On the Loose by Shana Black, Ivan Earl Aguilar. Copyright © 2014 Shana Black. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents1. YEA, MOTHER GOOSE, 5,
2. THIS LITTLE PIG, 5,
3. JACK AND JILL, 6,
4. TOM, TOM, THE PIPER' S SON, 6,
5. TWEEDLEDEE AND TWEEDLEDUMB, 7,
6. WEE WILLIE WINKIE, 7,
7. LITTLE NANNY ETTICOAT, 8,
8. SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE, 8,
9. THREE WISE MEN OF GOTHAM, 9,
10. SEE SAW, MARGERY DAW, 9,
11. CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR, 10,
12. ROCKABYE, BABY, 10,
13. THREE BLIND MICE, 11,
14. PAT A CAKE, 11,
15. LITTLE MS MUFFET, 13,
16. THERE WAS A SIZZLING, HOT LADY, 13,
17. THE LION AND THE UNICORN, 14,
18. ON SATURDAY NIGHT, 16,
19. THERE WAS A CROOKED MAN, 16,
20. TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR, 17,
21. LITTLE BETTY BLUE, 17,
22. RING AROUND LITTLE ROSEY, 18,
23. IF ALL THE SEAS WERE ONE SEA, 18,
24. OLD KING COLE, 20,
25. SOLOMON GRUNDY, 20,
26. RAIN, RAIN, GO AWAY, 21,
27. HICKETY, PICKETY, MY FAT HEN, 21,
28. PUSSY CAT, PUSSY CAT, 22,
29. DINGDONG BELL, 22,
30. MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY, 24,
31. SIMPLE SIMON, 24,
32. PETER, PETER, PUMPKIN EATER, 25,
33. LITTLE JACK HORNER, 25,
34. RUBADUB, DUB, 26,
35. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, 26,
36. JACK SPRAT, 27,
37. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS, 29,
38. OLD WOMAN, OLD WOMAN, 29,
39. I WENT UP ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS, 30,
40. POLLY PUT THE KETTLE ON, 30,
41. LITTLE TOMMY TITMOUSE, 32,
42. HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK, 32,
43. PETER PIPER, 33,
44. LITTLE BOY BLUE, 33,
45. PEASEPORRIDGE HOT, 34,
46. GOOSEY, GOOSEY, GANDER, 34,
47. LITTLE BOPEEP, 35,
48. ONE MISTY, MOISTY, MORNING, 37,
49. JACK BE NIMBLE, 37,
50. A DILLAR, A DOLLAR, 38,
51. OH WHERE, OH WHERE, 38,
52. I HAD A LITTLE HUSBAND, 39,
53. THE NORTH WIND DOTH BLOW, 39,
54. HUMPTY DUMPTY, 40,
55. NEEDLES AND PINS, 40,
56. HEY, DIDDLE, DIDDLE, 41,
57. MONDAY' S BABE, 43,
58. GEORGY PORGY, 43,
59. MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB, 44,
60. FEE! FI! FO! FUM, 44,
61. LITTLE MOLLY FLANDERS, 45,
62. LITTLE TOMMY TUCKER, 45,
63. BYE BABY BUNTING, 46,
64. BAH, BAH, BLACK SHEEP, 46,