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It all started with a contour drawing. I filled in parts of it with paint, outlining the lips and eyes, creating a faraway look with overly ripe, big, red lips and a high baldhead. I had no idea why, but this drawing now reminded me of an old love. Over the twenty-five years we were separated, I thought of him many times. I had even saved his old motorcycle leather. It had always hung in my closet, and from time to time I would sniff it to catch a glimpse of the sun, that smell of Brut and leather, that smell of him.
I'd have the occasional dream of him, and then there was that one time, right smack dab in the middle of a truly wonderful life, when thoughts of him came flooding into my head and I started crying because I missed him so much. I assumed he was dead because of the trajectory of his life when I left him. Yes, I left. I couldn't handle the love, the fear of losing that love, and the intensity of it all, and I certainly did not want to look in the mirror.
I had to discuss a painting, any painting of mine, in an art group. I kept trying to pick a different one, but in the end, I had no choice but to pick up that one, as though my fingers were directed to tap on that one, even though my head was saying "no". Once I opened my mouth to talk about it, the tears started flowing. When I got home, I realized I didn't know for sure if he were dead. So I looked him up, and there he was. He was alive.
I thought, See? He's made it, and he's doing okay. That was all I wanted to know. But of course, the pull was too strong. What a conversation! So much intense energy! What is happening?
A voice said, "You are meant to be together."
What? Where is this coming from?
"Come visit," he said.
I couldn't believe it. Did he just say that? No, no. No way. How could I swing that? Now I was in utter disbelief that I was even considering it.
After this conversation I went to meditate. A few minutes into it, this huge cosmic energy force rushed into my body, completely filling me up with energy. It started in the root chakra and worked its way up. An undeniable, cosmic, full-body, hands-free orgasm, so incredible that words escaped me. It was a spontaneous kundalini awakening. Wow. I thought. That was intense. What the hell just happened to me?
Something was going on that I could not explain. I didn't understand at all what had happened. I didn't even know this word, kundalini.
After this orgasmic event and a little research, I understood that my prana, chi, or life force energy, my kundalini energy, had just surged through my body and bolted me awake.
This was the true beginning of my spiritual awakening, and amazing changes began to take place in my life. It was my journey toward self-love, unconditional love, and universal love. It was a very long and often arduous journey.
From that day of reconnection forward, we had been in contact via text, phone calls, video chats, and visits. Sometimes it was wonderful; other times it was painful. But it was always intense.CHAPTER 2
It just seemed so easy — almost too easy — to talk. What happened? Why did I feel inspired again to start writing? Where had that passion been? Why did it leave, and why was it back so suddenly? I could not get him off my mind, and I didn't understand why.
It scared and excited me at the same time. Life seemed suddenly full of possibilities again. It seemed like just yesterday when we spoke, and I couldn't help but wonder what this strong magnetic pull was to be near him again. It's like I had no control over this, he was suddenly constantly on my mind.
The blue mist was near, that radiant "tinkerbell" sort of light that floated up around the ceiling when were together. I could feel it, but I could only be in it when it was the right time. Today wasn't the right time; the immediate tomorrow wouldn't be either. Would there ever be a right time? Would it happen again?
My heart was bursting! I felt so alive. The passion was all fiery and rumbled, burning and churning, searching for a way out. How do I let it out? How do I find a way out? Is following this path that seems to be moving toward him the right thing to do?
I couldn't concentrate. I had the "what ifs" really badly. Could there ever actually be a day when my "what ifs" transpired?
I had that giddy feeling all over. I couldn't sleep. I felt apprehension and butterflies, but I wanted fireflies. It was my life, and I only got to live it once. I had to make a decision, a choice.
I thought, I know what the right one is — to go and see him — but who can ever be sure? I'm scared. Is this crazy? Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. I'm confused. I might be making a big mistake. I don't know anything except one thing: I love him to the very depths of my being. What? How could I feel this way so suddenly after all this time? My feelings were intense. How will I feel tomorrow? The only thing I knew for certain was that I had to see him.
My soul seems to be crying out for you. How do I get you out of my head? It's been bad enough these last twenty-five years thinking about you. To make it easier on myself, I just had to assume you were dead. I was always mourning you.
Now I know why – we seem to be connected on some energetic level. Reconnecting with you seems to have suddenly changed the trajectory of my life, yet I don't understand why, or how.
I've never talked about you because they just wouldn't get it. You are the only old boyfriend my husband has never been told anything about. It is a rare thing indeed. They say that early on in a relationship such as ours, it is so full of energy that it's very difficult and usually people with this sort of intense connection end up back together at another time in their lives. When is that time? Is it now? Is it fated? Is it real?
When I close my eyes and sit in the sun, I can feel our souls dancing together, like the bond is unbroken and always has been. I just had chosen to pretend you weren't there and it didn't matter. I'm screwed. What am I gonna do? I know you'll say to keep moving forward. With tears in my eyes?
I have this queasy feeling in my stomach that I used to get every time I saw you or talked to you, and even when I thought about you. It's back. What do I do with it? I want the blue mist. My soul is crying for you. I know this is heavy, and I'm sorry about that, but I am basically just telling you my truth. Nobody else understands the intensity. They have never experienced it. Heck, I don't even get it.
My heart knew things that my mind couldn't explain. I had stopped fighting how I felt, and I had completely accepted that I would be forever in love. For me, this moment was one of the most honest I had ever had. It was truly deep beyond words.
This led me to look at my past and the person I used to be. I did feel more vivacious back then, when I was with him. I had more joie de vivre, but there were parts of me that I didn't like. I was unforgiving and thought people had to believe in things the same way I did. I yelled and argued. I didn't go forth in love and gratitude. I was a wreck, a conformist in the end, aligning to my parents' beliefs with career and choice of mate, which was why I couldn't stay with him. He was drifting. I wanted to "succeed". With Peter by my side, I did just fine.
And now what? I still wanted to see him, and as things had been falling apart in my marriage for awhile, I was not sure if I wanted to stay with Peter. In the end, I thought there was hope for my marriage of twenty years, but was Peter my true home? Just speaking with Alex felt like coming home. Where was I meant to be? Oh God, this lesson sucked.
The reality was that I needed to figure out what was best for Peter and me. If the blue mist was back, so be it. I would have him on my mind all the time though. Maybe my life lesson with him was learning to let go and saying goodbye for now. I had mourned him for years already. I could do it again. I already felt an immense sadness deep in my soul at not being able to be in the same location as him. It really sucked, but I needed to keep moving forward, keep up the momentum, keep the passion alive and the creativity flowing. Keep on keepin' on.
How would I feel if I spent my life half content, giving up passion for comfort? I used to think I was fine with this, but now I wasn't too sure. He had somehow refueled in me a passion, a sense of aliveness, wholeness, and creativity. It was burning deep inside of me now.
As I contemplated seeing him my eyes teared up, and my heart hurt. So I guess I had my answer, I had to do it. I was going to go visit him. I heard inside, Listen to your intuition. I asked myself, Why am I feeling nudged to go? If anything, it'll at least give me some much-needed space for a little while.
I pondered, How am I going to tell my husband? Peter, I'm going to see an old friend who I thought was dead, but it turns out he isn't. He's somebody who meant a lot to me, and I really feel like I need to get away from this — us — the messiness of it all. I need to be with somebody who is in tune with me and with whom I don't really have to explain myself. I just feel like I have to go. You know how we are soul mates? Well, he is a sort of soul mate too. That said, he is like a brother to me. Albeit he's more than that, but how can I say this? Anything I say will make it sound like a romantic connection and be misunderstood. Two bodies ... one soul. I know it really won't make any sense to you, but there it is.
I just bought a ticket, but I haven't yet told Peter. He's not going to understand why I want to come see you. I feel like I'm pushing him away every time he wants to get close to me. He's going to ask me how I feel about you, and I don't want to lie. My feelings have just come flooding back for you like they were before. I can only try and explain it with little comprehension on his part, I'm sure, but here's what I want from you: I want you to confirm that you feel the same way. Really, Alex? What's the point of me coming if we don't both feel the same way? And please don't let what I asked scare you. I'm not leaving him for you. I just want to know how you feel.
I'm not scared. We both know there are no guarantees in life.
What? I thought. I asked about an assurance of feelings!
Dear reader, this may have seemed like a monumental mistake, asking him to tell me how he felt — but there are no mistakes, just lessons to learn, and they start coming toward me fast and furiously now. Do you see what I am doing here? I am beginning to ask for a definition of this connection. I am beginning to ask questions he can't answer because he doesn't understand the energetic distinction of this relationship, just like I don't. This is not a tale of romance. It's a vibrational pull. My mind isn't making up what this connection is. It's deeper than deep.CHAPTER 3
I needed to trust my feelings, trust my heart, and stop listening to my ego. My ego would do nothing but give me doubt, fear, and judgment. It just wanted everything to stay as it was. It seemed that this was impossible since reconnecting with him. My whole world felt like it was turning upside down. My concept of reality seemed to be shifting daily. I was beginning to question everything that I had ever been taught by my parents, teachers, society, and religion. Yes, there was discomfort and uncertainty to be sure, but I was listening. I was so sad, my heart was crying. I had no idea about this twin flame business. I only knew that, when we reconnected, on my end anyway, the connection was so strong, amazing, and intense, that it rocked my world. My heart was pining for a reunion, and it seemed as though his was too.
I'd been writing. I'd been pouring out my heart. I was never rejected. I told him my truth day after day. I thought, I'm fucked. I can't get him out of my head. What do I do? Keep pushing forward. Follow my dreams. I wanted him to state that he felt the same way. "I'm not scared," he said "don't worry about me, Annie," which didn't make sense to me. And I was grieving the loss of him all over again.
What? I thought. Am I misreading all of this?
I was trying to listen to my inner knowing, my soul, and my heart. Deep inside I knew without knowing how. It was just a knowing, which was new to me, but I knew that this connection was something very precious.
I've had a lot of weird things happening to me lately. Remember when I tried to describe how it felt as though our souls were dancing outside of our bodies? Well, I could actually see them. On your feed the other day, when people were describing you in two words, you typed the same two words that I was typing at the same time, stinky and annoying. Haha. I was hiking in the mountains the other day, and I could suddenly smell you! This really freaked me out, as there was nobody else around. Sometimes I think I can feel you holding me or a brush of your fingertips on my face. I really thought I was losing it. I'm not really comfortable with all of this stuff.
Before we reconnected, I started meditating again. I asked for a sign. This number forty-two popped up. I started seeing and hearing it so often that I was going mad. No way it was coincidental. Forty-two has always been a magic number for me but I hadn't seen it in years and I never knew why. Somebody told me to look it up. I didn't know numbers had meanings, and I didn't know you could look them up. Apparently it is about finding your passion and following it while your spirit guides help. I've done this visual meditation for years where I'm on a table in a room and there are spirit guides working on my legs to take away the pain. Two nights ago, the table was pushed to the side, and two huge wall canvasses were put up for me to start painting on. I cried, as I've been avoiding walking through my fear of painting for many years.
So we reconnect, and I am mucking about the internet and start reading about soul mates. I come upon something called "twin flames." I think this might be us. You are my divine counterpart. We share the same soul. One soul ... two bodies. We've shared many past lives and are meant to be together now. (I'm not even sure I believe in past lives, so wrapping my head around this idea of being twin flames is mind bending.)
Apparently we can't ultimately keep ourselves apart because we are meant to be together for some higher purpose. We chose this before we came to earth. (If you want to trash this letter and run, now would be a good time.) This is why it is so intense between us, both good and challenging. We reflect our own selves in each other so when one twin has issues that need to be resolved, he or she shows himself or herself in the other twin. This can also be a very beautiful and harmonious thing if we have spent time working independently on ourselves. Usually when twins meet, one of them runs because they don't want to see themselves, their true selves, reflected in the other, which is what this connection forces out of us and into our awareness. I ran. I chose to conform to society a lot more than you ever did, as you always lived more in your truth.
Be honest. I'm curious: am I on your mind a lot? You are on mine, and I almost always wish you were beside me. That's why I thought you were turning into my addiction. They say that when twins reconnect, they experience an awakening, and it happens to the more spiritually developed one first. For me this has brought with it many symptoms heart pains, energy surges throughout my body, insomnia, sexual energy, emotional upheavals, headaches, pain in my back and neck, feelings of bliss, infinite love and universal connectivity, and it's amazing.
When we connect on a soul level, an intense energy runs through both of us. That blue mist we think of as a union of our souls like no other? It's sacred. Our energy, healing powers, clarity, and telepathy all become very heightened. I've been up all night thinking about this. So I guess you can do what you want with this info. Please try to take in some of this. Ask yourself how you feel about it. Let's talk.
He ignored this.
It's not easy to find time to connect, is it? But aren't we already connected, really? I feel this magnetic pull towards you. Am I crazy? I've certainly sent you enough texts last month, rather confirming my feeling of this deep bond. Is it there for you too? You've said as much a couple of times. I know you feel something. So I've given this some thought, and here's why I'm coming to see you. I need to see you. I want to hold you, to calm you, to ground you, and to love you. Life is too short to not follow my heart. If I listen to my ego, I just get doubt, fear, and judgement.(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Musings on Weirdness in Love and Meditation"
Copyright © 2018 Piper Willoughby.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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