My Life Without Garlic

My Life Without Garlic

by Bailey Bradford

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781784305871
Publisher: Totally Entwined Group Ltd
Publication date: 06/16/2015
Series: Vamp for Me , #1
Sold by: Barnes & Noble
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 108
Sales rank: 65,370
File size: 4 MB

About the Author

A native Texan, Bailey spends her days spinning stories around in her head, which has contributed to more than one incident of tripping over her own feet. Evenings are reserved for pounding away at the keyboard, as are early morning hours. Sleep? Doesn't happen much. Writing is too much fun, and there are too many characters bouncing about, tapping on Bailey's brain demanding to be let out.

Caffeine and chocolate are permanent fixtures in Bailey's office and are never far from hand at any given time. Removing either of those necessities from Bailey's presence can result in what is known as A Very, Very Scary Bailey and is not advised under any circumstances.

Read an Excerpt

Copyright © Bailey Bradford 2015. All Rights Reserved, Totally Entwined Group Limited, T/A Totally Bound Publishing.

Augustin Carmichael sat down at his computer desk. He set his plate, piled high with spaghetti and cheese, right in front of him. He went back to the kitchen and got the thick slices of garlic bread and a glass of red wine. The wine was a newer addition to his mealtime. Augustin didn’t really like the stuff, but he kept reading about how it was heart healthy and all. Since his dad had died at forty-three from a massive heart attack, Augustin was willing to try anything to avoid the same fate.

That had meant cutting down on the pasta and sugar and carbs and—well, too many of the good things in life, but then again, he wouldn’t have a life for much longer if he wasn’t careful. At thirty-five, he felt like he had a ticking time bomb in his chest instead of a heart.

His doctor chided him about it, too. Augustin was overweight, and his cholesterol was high. His blood pressure was borderline. It was scary shit, so he was making changes.

But he wasn’t giving up his pasta completely, and garlic was healthy as far as he knew. The marinara was home-made and sugar-free, so that had to count as a good thing to eat.

Augustin sat at the desk once he had everything together. He’d done his daily hour-long workout that morning. There was no need to feel guilty as he wound pasta around the fork.

He was not going to choke on that unnecessary guilt either, and waste a wonderful meal. The sauce hit his tongue and the strong flavor of the garlic overpowered the tomatoes and onions. It was perfect! Augustin moaned happily and promised himself another tasty reward in a week.

After he’d eaten a few more bites, forcing himself to do so slowly when he’d really rather have chowed down and shoveled the food in one bite after another, Augustin opened up his web browser. Surfing the ‘Net was as addictive as food was, so he tried to monitor that, too.

The news site he had as his home page came up. Augustin read a few headlines and muttered to himself. He was going to stop reading the news, damn it. It was all bad, and who needed that kind of downer?

Under the ‘Odd News’, though, he found some entertaining articles. By the time he’d read through most of them, he was munching on the last piece of garlic bread. He took a sip of the wine and fought against gagging. Maybe he’d get used to drinking the stuff warm, but he really, really wanted to add some ice and Sprite to it to make the drink palatable.

Obviously he was never going to be a wine connoisseur. He snorted. “Well, whatever. At least I’ll maybe not keel over any time soon.”

He gulped down the last of the liquid then set the wine glass down. An article he’d missed caught his eye and he chuckled. “Seriously?” Augustin clicked on the link. The page loaded and he laughed. “A vampire dating site? What the hell is wrong with people…?”

He chuckled some more as he read the hook, as he thought of it. “Blood-sucking singles, huh? Sounds dangerous to me.” It irked him when all he saw were pictures of women on the main page. “What about guys? Or gays? Are y’all excluding us?”

Then again, maybe the gays had more sense. Augustin thought of his friends Tommy and Georgie. “Okay, maybe not.” The rest of his friends, whatever their sexuality, were definitely above snooping around such sites.

Augustin moved the cursor over the ‘Sign Up’ button. It’d be a great prank to sign up Tommy and Georgie. No, that’d be a dick move, and he was trying to cut down on the number of those he made.

All the featured profile pictures were of women. Augustin pursed his lips. “Do you even do gay vampires?” He groaned. Not only was he talking to himself, he was going on like vampires were real.

He clicked on the ‘Sign Up’ button just out of curiosity. They didn’t really ask for much information. Was that all there was to a profile? What about the zillion questions real dating sites had?

“People really fall for this shit?” He opened a second page and went to a website that issued temporary email addresses. They were only good for ten minutes so he had to hurry.

It was curiosity that had him filling out the profile form. It was boredom, too. Mainly boredom. He had no idea what he’d do, or if he’d ever use the account for anything more than a comparison dating site. He’d been intending to sign up at since his love life had been abysmal for— Eh, he wasn’t going to count the months. At least it wasn’t down to years yet.

And, he could write about the whole comparison on his blog. Maybe he’d get a few more followers so he’d have a nice half-dozen. Apparently he just wasn’t that interesting.

“If I was, I wouldn’t be single, duh.”

So far the site didn’t ask for much, just a username, email, what gender he was and what gender he was seeking, birthday, password… He hit ‘Enter’. After a few seconds, he got an error message. “What do you mean something is wrong? I filled it out right, morons.”

He did it again and received a message that the website was over capacity. Mind boggled, Augustin leaned back and frowned. “You have got to be kidding me!” Paranoia prickled under his skin. “Is it because I said I was male seeking male?”

He bent back over the keyboard, typing in his information again, except altering his search from male to female.

Another error message came up, but he figured out his ten minute email address had expired. “Shit.” He set up another one and created another profile. It got an error message too. “Well, at least I know y’all aren’t bigots, but come on. There can’t be that many people on there!”

He could be a little obsessive. Augustin knew that about himself. An hour of creating false email accounts and trying to sign up at the vampire dating site and he began to question his own sanity. Why was he even bothering? He sure as hell didn’t want to date anyone from a site like that.

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My Life Without Garlic 5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 3 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
A good book and very funny. I just wish that it was a little longer. ...................................................................................................
asgoodrich More than 1 year ago
Is it wrong that I had no idea whatsoever that Ms. Bradford could write comedy? I’m not talking about a humorous scene here or a funny line there, but a full-fledged comedy. I laughed my butt off while reading My Life Without Garlic and I can only hope that with as snarky as the author made Augustin that that was her intent because that’s what made it a 5-star read for me. As far as vampire stories go, the idea of a “fake” vampire dating site established by vampires to weed out the crazies was one I’ve never encountered before. Nor have I encountered a character as real and in your face as Augustin. I LOVED Augustin because he’s not perfectly chiseled and has a mouth on him that would make him one of my favorite people to hang out with. Augustin deals in sarcasm and snark and both increase significantly when he’s scared. Needless to say, learning that vampires do exist and that you might not be allowed to live because you have said knowledge sent his fear, sarcasm, and snark through the roof. And this is exactly why I loved this book. Rather than trembling in fear, Augustin faces the situation head on and does so hilariously. Because My Life Without Garlic is a novella, the relationship between Augustin and Tony moves very quickly. There is an obvious physical attraction between the two men and it is hot! While they both fight moving beyond attraction, or at least admitting that it may be more than just physical, they do get to the love stage by the end of the book – which is typical of the other books I have read by Ms. Bailey. With this being the first book in the series, there were a lot of side characters introduced and most of them were quite delightful. I can only hope that the next book in The Vamp for Me series continues to center around this vampire coven because I look forward to hanging out with them all again. I received a complimentary copy of the book in exchange for an honest review. Reviewed by Angela at Crystal's Many Reviewers!
AGoodell More than 1 year ago
Fun! Snarky!entertaining! With a title that comes with this book, you know it’s not going to be a serious one and it certainly wasn’t. We’ve got an MC couple pounds over weight almost middle aged single, looking for love in all the wrong places, mainly a vampire dating website. Then we have a vampire that is signed up to the site wants this very thing. But convincing him is half the battle and fun.  I have to say normally I’m not a fan of the sarcastic charaters but this one is just borderline were we stay funny and balance with the rest of the charaters so it worked. And it also helped that he understood his own faults. Tony and Augustin just really complimented each other. And the twist at the end had me in tears, nicely done. I was given a copy of this book in exchange for an honest reviews by Crystals Many reviews