Naked Pictures of Famous People

Naked Pictures of Famous People

by Jon Stewart
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Overview

Naked Pictures of Famous People by Jon Stewart

In these nineteen whip-smart essays, Jon Stewart takes on politics, religion, and celebrity with a seethingly irreverent wit, a brilliantsense of timming, and a palate for the obsurd — and these one-of-a-kind forays into his hilarious world will expose you to all its wickedly naked truths.

He's the MTV generation's master of modern humor, a star of film, TV, and the comedy stage. This sultan of savvy serves up a whip-smart, utterly original collection of comic essays in Naked Pictures of Famous People. And as of January 11, 1999, you can enjoy the intelligence and self-deprecating charm he brings to contemporary comedy on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show."

In his first book, he translates that unique talent to the page, with humorous forays into a vast array of subjects: fashion, urban life, fast cars, cocktail culture, modern Jewishness, politics, and dating.

A seethingly irreverent wit, Stewart has a genius for language and brilliant timing that makes his up-to-the-minute collection a must-have for humor lovers in search of a Woody Allen for the 90s.He's the MTV generation's master of modern humor, a star of film, TV, and the comedy stage. This sultan of savvy serves up a whip-smart, utterly original collection of comic essays in Naked Pictures of Famous People. And as of January 11, 1999, you can enjoy the intelligence and self-deprecating charm he brings to contemporary comedy on Comedy Central's "The Daily Show."

In his first book, he translates that unique talent to the page, with humorous forays into a vast array of subjects: fashion, urban life, fast cars, cocktail culture, modern Jewishness, politics, and dating.

A seethingly irreverent wit, Stewart has a genius for language and brilliant timing that makes his up-to-the-minute collection a must-have for humor lovers in search of a Woody Allen for the 90s.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780688171629
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 09/22/1999
Pages: 176
Sales rank: 694,855
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.25(h) x 0.44(d)

About the Author

Jon Stewart has hosted his own critically acclaimed late-night talk show, starred in his own HBO special, Unleavened, and played himself on the cult hit The Larry Sanders Show Stewart lives in New York City.

Read an Excerpt

A VERY HANSON CHRISTMAS,
1996-1999

December 15, 1996

HEY Y'ALL!

Greetings and happy tidings to all, in this the beautiful season to celebrate the Savior's birth. The tree is up and the Christmas Ham is awaiting my apricot glaze, so once again it's time to check in for our yearly Hanson Family update. A promise from the heart to keep this year's news-letter as brief as possible (I hear you sighing, Uncle Jack! Just kidding, I can't hear you!). It's hard to believe that a year has passed since my last correspondence. Time sure flies when Jesus is flying the plane! It's a crisp afternoon here in Sooner Country. Gary and the boys are off hunting snow rabbits so the girls and I broke out the old Smith-Corona to fill everyone in, Don't worry, Peg, there's a Pumpkin Pie waiting for my men when they return -- hopefully with a fresh kill.

We're awaiting a wonderful Christmas. As is our family tradition, no gifts are exchanged but all the chil-dren will prepare a drawing, poem or play. This year's theme is Genesis. The girls are painting a beautiful mural of God's creation of man, using only the juices of fruit they grew themselves. Isaac and Taylor are preparing a heartwarming skit on the Garden of Eden (Taylor makes a beautifully innocent Eve) and little Zach, well, let's just say shouting "Let there be light" and Clapping the Clapper on and off doesn't show great inspiration. It doesn't matter. We love all our children equally, and still believe greatly in last year's Christmas theme, "Abortion Is Murder."

Some Hanson Highlights: Gary's working on a book about our methods of teaching the children called All I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, at Home with My Parents; Who Taught Me Better Than Any Government-Run Public School That Denies Prayer Could. The girls once again won the yearly Hanson Home School Science Fair. They de-vised a method for testing the bacterial content of foods using only Litmus Paper, Paper Clips and a homemade Centrifuge. These girls are going places! The boys did well too. They built a mobile depicting the fallacy of ev-olution. As for Zach, well, let's just say sneaking some-thing into our dinner and waiting to see if anyone would eat it and become ill didn't impress these judges. But we love all our children equally and hope one day Zach will tell us what it was, and why I can no longer hold down solid foods.

In Hanson Sports News, it was a very good year. The Hansons played a very strong schedule, going head to head with the only other Home School Team in the area, the Jurgensons. It was great fun.

Oh, before I forget, the boys continue with their little music project. They recently played the Devlin County Pan-Asian Wet and Wild Jamboree for Vietnamese Exiles. I don't want to go into too much detail, in this, the season of good tidings, but the crafty little Asian gentleman who organized the fair tried to cheat the boys out of their $50 performance fee. We nearly came to blows over the mat-ter, but eased off when both parties quoted the same piece of foreboding scripture at the same time. I can't say I con-done the boys' interest in this pursuit of popular music, but as I always say, "Encouragement is next to Charity, which is next to Faith, which is next to Cleanliness... and we all know what that's next to."

Jesus loves you,
Eileen and Gary Hanson and the Hanson Family

P.S. Any donations to the charity to help that poor boy in our neighborhood with the cleft lip would be greatly ap-preciated. We've raised some money, but he still looks odd when he eats in public, which is often. Remember, Charity begins at home, which, as you know, is where we have our school.

December 25,1997

Dear Hanson Super Fan Friends and Family,

Hey everybody! It's that time of year again! And what an amazing year it's been. I apologize for the Fan Club stationery, but it's all I could find. Normally I would just ask Carmen where she put the newsletter paper, but I gave her the day off. Most of her family is somewhere in South America, but bless her heart, she still seemed set on not working the holiday. Although I'm sure you could make a case that that's when I would need her most.

I feel bad about the stationery even though I'll bet none of you care. I'll bet you're just impressed that with all the amazing things happening to our family I still make a point of personally sending out the yearly holiday update. I agree! That is exactly what I told Gary, who was of the mind that if you all really need information, you can visit our official Web site like everybody else. But that's crazy. Being stars doesn't mean we can't take the time to stay in touch with our friends and family. By the way, the unofficial sites are not sanctioned and contain a great deal of fabricated information. I can't stress that enough. Our official site has received over two million hits to date!!

You're probably saying to yourself "Wow, that must be making them a fortune!" You would think!! Although perhaps you are not taking into consideration a poorly negotiated contract that paid a one-time up-front fee and neglected any back end or merchandising considerations.

But you know our Gary. I think when the Lord was passing out business acumen, Gary was downstairs getting good hair. Of course you can't tell that to Gary. I guess he figures his year and a half of technical school and previous work experience selling homemade knickknacks at mall art fairs qualifies him to manage a world-famous band.

A big "I'm sorry" on behalf of Gary, the boys and myself for not being at Ned and IreneÆs annual family reunion picnic. The girls told Carmen it was a hoot. Unfortunately that was the weekend before the Grammys and as you might imagine we were swamped. While the boys were sad to miss Irene's annual mock apple pie, their dinner with Fiona Apple softened the blow. I had heard through the grapevine that Irene was a little bent out of shape. I'm sure that's not true because Irene and Ned are God-fearing people and very aware that envy is a sin.

Ooops! Please excuse the sloppy penmanship. I'm jotting this update from the back of a Limousine the boys bought me for Christmas, and the slick leather interior doesn't offer great stability. Lincoln, my driver, and I have developed a very funny joke where he calls me Miss Daisy and I pretend that's my real name.

Well, enough chatter, I better have Lincoln take me home. The boys and Gary are in Dnsseldorf, but Zach still likes me to spend at least six hours a day in his room, cleaning the shag carpet, strand by strand, with my teeth. Anything for my little angel, because, as I always say, I love all my three boys equally.

It's been a wild year. The Lord sure works in mysterious ways, or as I like to say, "What a long strange trip it's been!"

Jesus loves us,
Eileen, Gary, Zach, Taylor and Isaac
(collectively known as Hanson)

P.S. You can stop sending money for the gimp boy with the Cleft Lip. It turns out we had enough money left over from just one mall show to ship him and his entire family off to Nebraska.

December 28, 1999

To Whom It May Concern,

HO, HO, HO! Zach has Herpes. There. Are you Happy now? You try controlling an eleven-year-old multi-millionaire with a hard-on for strippers. For those of you wondering about last year's newsletter, there wasn't one. If you must know, I was at a retreat in Hazelden, Minnesota, and they didn't allow pens, pencils or any other sharp implements for that matter. It's been quite a ride... quite a... I sit here, alone in my Hotel suite. Pen in one hand, bottle of Glenlivet in the other. A gun at my feet. Darkness all around me...

First of all, to all you Nosy Parkers in the crowd, I did not embezzle money from my family, I don't give a rat's ass what that judge says. I am their manager... co-manager... was their co-manager. I had every right to that money. I gave birth to those boys. What did Gary do? His three minutes of dirty business? Foreplay?! Please. Whispering "The Bible says be Fruitful and Multiply" before ejaculating and passing out isn't foreplay. Seven times I allowed that man to sully me... seven times.

I'm tired ... so very tired. Someone had to have some fiscal responsibility. Christ! Do you know what Taylor and Isaac did on their big "Africa Tour"? Sat in a hotel restaurant ordering Lasagna made from 1,000-dollar bills and White Tiger's Blood. Not all the time, of course. No, sometimes they would lock themselves in their hotel rooms doing what looked and tasted like high-grade Brazilian Heroin. Where was their father, you might ask? Oh I don't know, maybe shacked up in some Backwater Indonesian Fuckee Suckee bar. Maybe it's just me, but I still believe in a thing called Statutory Rape Laws.

You think I'm bitter? You think I'm beaten? You think I might take the pills I have in my hand, wash them down with Scotch and glide off into a world of euphoria where all my pain will cease? HA! No, this old girl has some fight in her yet. Believe it!! I know things. Things that would be worth a lot of money if they got out. And not the usual bullshit, the "Taylor is fucking Naomi Campbell" shit. I could put a lot of people in jail... Think I'm bluffing? Try me... I dare you... I... I miss my angels. I just want to talk to them. To tell them Mommy loves them... to ... tell them... I could fucking kill Gary with my bare hands and not blink. I could stare into his eyes as he begged for my mercy and forgiveness and I could snuff out his life and then go back to my lunch as though nothing happened. I miss them so much. Do they care? Of course not.

Hey, some crude garage mix of the little bastards rehearsing Christmas music just went to No. I on the Holiday Charts. Think Kenny G is choking on his own cock over that one? I believe these tiny ingrates, who I gave life to, could sing into a bag of their own shit and ten million girls whose life ambition is to someday get breast implants would spend their hard-earned abortion money just to cradle it in their arms.

But hey! It was a great run, huh? Better to burn out than fade away! What do I care? I still have more money than any of you will ever have in a lifetime of being paid by the government not to grow corn.

Merry Fucking Christmas,
God is dead,
Eileen Hanson

Interviews

On Wednesday, December 16th, barnesandnoble.com on AOL welcomed Jon Stewart to discuss NAKED PICTURES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE.


Diannabn: Welcome, Mr. Stewart! We're so glad to have you with us tonight!

Jon Stewart: Thanks! Pleasure to be here, as the bombs fall around me.


Question: You get to kiss Gillian Anderson in your new movie, yes? Did you call up David Duchovny and rub his face in it?

Jon Stewart: No, I received written permission from Duchovny and the Smoking Man.


Question: Has Martha Stewart found out about the vagina bit in your book, yet? Have you heard from her about it?

Jon Stewart: Luckily, when I saw her at CBS this morning, her vagina wasn't with her, so I was able to dodge a bullet. Hopefully, she will be entertained by it, and I will continue to receive my weekly supply of homemade plum tarts.


Question: Jon, whatever happened to your show on MTV?

Jon Stewart: I'm pretty sure they canceled it, because every time I show up to tape one, no one is there but Alan Hunter.


Question: What was it like to have Letterman as a guest on your show? Surreal?

Jon Stewart: Tremendous! It was tremendous. He allowed us to go out with our heads held high, as opposed to spending our last show interviewing a guy that once had a friend that was once on "Welcome Back, Kotter..." Dave did us a great service.


Question: Are you officially highbrow now that you've been published in The New Yorker?

Jon Stewart: No, I'm officially toilet humor. My book was officially designed to be read over 18 to 19 trips to the bathroom.


Question: Where'd you come up with the name NAKED PICTURES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE?

Jon Stewart: I figured it was the most searched-for phrase on the Internet. So in between getting those pictures you needed of Bea Arthur washing her car naked, you'd also get my book.


Question: Is that your body on the cover of your book with Abe Lincoln's head on it?

Jon Stewart: [laughs] No. Unfortunately, it's my head on Abe Lincoln's body. Actually it's just a guy we knew that looked a lot like Lincoln in a creepy way.


Question: Do you hang out with other New York comedians, like Janeane Garafolo, à la Leonardo DiCaprio and his brat pack?

Jon Stewart: [laughs] We do. And there's often violence between the two groups. Much like in "West Side Story."


Question: Do you ever fear you're going to dilute your edge if you do too many romantic comedies, and other "safe" big-screen gigs?

Jon Stewart: As long as I have Tom Waits, cigarettes, and Budweiser, I could do "A Christmas Story" and still feel like the grumpy man that I am.


Question: Do you take sides in the Letterman/Leno competition?

Jon Stewart: I'm Switzerland: I just want to hold their money and make them chocolate.


Question: Who's been your favorite guest?

Jon Stewart: I'd have to say...go back to Letterman because of the timing and how much it meant to us at the time.


Question: Jon, I've been a huge fan of yours since I watched you and Dennis Leary ring in the New Year on Comedy Central back in '92. I love your book, and I was wondering if you got any inspiration from Woody Allen's early prose, which your book reminded me of?

Jon Stewart: Yes, I take my inspiration from all of Woody Allen, including his personal life.


Question: Do you miss your MTV days, Jon?

Jon Stewart: A bit. But we all reach our 30s sometime. I'm just glad that VH-1 has been there to help me cushion the fall. MTV is a bit like "Logan's Run" -- once you hit 30 you head to carousel.


Question: Was Steve Martin annoyed that it took him an entire career to start writing for The New Yorker, and here you are, right out of the starting gate, doing it already?

Jon Stewart: Well, probably not, since instead of writing for The New Yorker he was having a wildly successful film and stand-up career. I imagine that softens the pain of not ending up in "Shouts and Murmurs."


Question: Was Larry King a fan of the Hitler piece in your book?

Jon Stewart: I believe he enjoys seeing his name in print. I'm not sure that he got to the Hitler part...but he's been very supportive.


Question: Jon, I was at your signing in NYC, and the question I didn't get to ask you was: Since you've now worked with Kevin Williamson, is there a chance we'll see you on "Dawson's Creek"?

Jon Stewart: We're working on a new show, "Stewart's Pond," about an old creepy Jewish guy in his mid-30s who hangs around Dawson's Creek trying to get a look-see at the young hotties.


Question: Jon, are you aware of your large online following? You are quite the cyberwoman's sex symbol! (And yes, that's a compliment.)

Jon Stewart: I was not aware of that. But now that I am, I must get thee to a modem.


Question: Jon, any chance we'll see you again on a television program of your own?

Jon Stewart: I tried that once, and the memory still wakes me up at 3:00 in the morning, my pajamas soaked with sweat...well, I hope it's sweat.


Question: What do you think will be the main hurdle in taking on the position of new host on "The Daily Show"?

Jon Stewart: Living up to the high expectations set by such a fine show. That, and keeping me off the sauce.


Question: I used to live in Boston and saw you at the first "Comics Come Home" benefit. You were great! Will you ever do the benefit again and help Neely House?

Jon Stewart: Yeah, I'd love to. It got a little hectic this year when they were doing it, but I would love to go back.


Question: How do you think working on "The Daily Show" will differ from when you had your talk show a few years ago?

Jon Stewart: Well, on the old show -- they have modern studios here -- the old show we had one bathroom for three guests, myself, and the band. So I don't imagine I'll be seeing Lorenzo Lamas standing in line to pee behind the guys from Van Halen.


Question: What do you think your biggest challenge will be in taking over hosting "The Daily Show"?

Jon Stewart: The audience eye-line. I'm a foot and a half shorter. For the first two weeks I'm sure that all they will see is "The Daily Show" logo until they look down and see there is a new host.


Question: What projects are you developing under your production banner? Anything we'll see soon?

Jon Stewart: "World's Funniest Attacking Animals," "Secrets of the Jews Revealed," and a live-action "Simpsons."


Question: When will you begin hosting "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central?

Jon Stewart: On January 11th at 11pm ET, on Comedy Central.


Question: What film role would you have liked to have played, given the chance, and what type of role would you write for yourself?

Jon Stewart: I'd love to write something that sort of had a David Russell flavor. I think he's great. And I think for years I felt that I am the real Patch Adams. That, or "Police Academy" for the '90s.


Diannabn: This will be our last question for Jon tonight....

Question: Jon, the single women in the audience want to know if you're married.

Jon Stewart: That's funny 'cause the single woman I live with asked me the same thing. And I believe the answer is...gettin' there.


Diannabn: Jon, thank you so much for sharing your humor with us tonight!

Jon Stewart: Thank you all for your patience and your participation.


Diannabn: Will you come back when your next book comes out?

Jon Stewart: I'd love to.


Diannabn: Goodnight! :)

Jon Stewart: Goodnight to you.


Customer Reviews

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Naked Pictures of Famous People 4.1 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 19 reviews.
Guest More than 1 year ago
If you are looking to laugh you must buy this book! I have to say it is the funniest out there. You'll drop reading the essays of imaginary happenings of famous people. And if you do enjoy this book you got to catch 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart' on Comedy Central. Plus: see 'Big Daddy' and 'Playing By Heart'.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book is my most favorite book in the entire world! Buy it and I guarantee you'll like it! (Not a guarantee.)
Guest More than 1 year ago
I always knew jon stewart was funny, but i didn't know that he is such a great writer as well! This book is the funniest i've read in a very long time! My favorite chapter is the one about the Hansons. Get this book!
Guest More than 1 year ago
I thought his observations would be cute and cunning like on the daily show, but the stories were so whacked.....only 2 or 3 of the chapters made any kind of sense
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book is wonderful, it is funny, well-written and just perfect! Jon Stewart did really good writing this book, and I'm glad he is a comedian.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
songcatchers More than 1 year ago
I really enjoyed this collection of short essays by Jon Stewart. I'm not familiar with Jon Stewart's other endeavors so I can't compare the humor in this book to, say, his t.v. stuff. I can say this book was sarcastic, witty, and brought a smile to my face. A couple of my favorites out of this book are: The Last Supper, Or The Dead Waiter, about, well....the supposed Last Supper of Christ. I also really got a kick out of Adolf Hitler: The Larry King Interview. Funny stuff. Another good one is Breakfast At Kennedy's, written from the perspective of a boarding school chum of the teenage John F. Kennedy. The only thing I was left wondering at the end of the book was, where are those naked pictures of famous people?
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
Some of the reviewers before me have stated that Jon Stewart should 'stick to the Daily Show stuff'. I do hope that they realize that this book was printed in 1998, a few months before Jon Stewart took over for Craig Kilborn on the date or January 11th, 1999. Anyways back to the book, this was a hilarious book. After watching Mr. Stewart of The Daily Show and reading his book America (which I also recommend by the way), I found that this was fairly enjoyable. It wasn't as screamingly political as America or some of his Daily Show antics, but it was well written and very funny.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I read this book immediately after I read 'America', and was sorely disappointed. Cruder, and a lot less intellegent than his sophomore effort.
Guest More than 1 year ago
What a funny and clever book. 19 chapters on the most random and humorous topics. The best are Martha Stewarts Vagina, The Lost Notebook, and Vincent and Theo on Aol. I recommend this to anyone who likes John Stewart. Most of the time I was wondering how someone could come up with this.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Jon can be funny on his show, but this book goes a little overboard...i wish he stuck more his to Daily Show routine
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book is smart and witty from start to finish. It makes fun of so much others have been afrid to touch. Jon Stewart is a brillient.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Each essay has a very creative wit that you cannot help but laugh at. I recommend that anyone who enjoys comedy to read this one. A few of the essays are kind of absurd, but the story of the last supper is the funniest thing I have ever read.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Aw, I was all set to add this to my favorites list, but I have to say I was a little disappointed. I still think TDS is one of the smartest (and, certainly, funniest) shows on television, but this book...I don't know. Maybe just a little too much abstraction/absurdity for my taste. But that's just me.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book is worth it for the essay on Hanson alone! Very funny. Makes me wish he would write another one.
Guest More than 1 year ago
it's funny. really really funny.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This is by far one of the funniest books ever written. With both slapstick and witty humor, this is a must-read for anyone looking to laugh.