No One Understands You and What to Do About It

by Heidi Grant Halvorson

Overview

Achieve authenticity.

Have you ever felt you’re not getting through to the person you’re talking to, or not coming across the way you intend? You’re not alone.

That’s the bad news. But there is something we can do about it. Heidi Grant Halvorson, social psychologist and bestselling author, explains why we’re often misunderstood and how we can fix that.

Most of us assume that other people see us as we see ourselves, and that they see us as we truly are. But neither is true. Our everyday interactions are colored by subtle biases that distort how others see us—and also shape our perceptions of them.

You can learn to clarify the message you’re sending once you understand the lenses that shape perception:

• Trust. Are you friend or foe?
• Power. How much influence do you have over me?
• Ego. Do you make me feel insecure?

Based on decades of research in psychology and social science, Halvorson explains how these lenses affect our interactions—and how to manage them.

Once you understand the science of perception, you’ll communicate more clearly, send the messages you intend to send, and improve your personal relationships. You’ll also become a fairer and more accurate judge of others. Halvorson even offers an evidence-based action plan for repairing a damaged reputation.

This book is not about making a good impression, although it will certainly help you do that. It’s about coming across as you intend. It’s about the authenticity we all strive for.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781625274120
Publisher:	Harvard Business Review Press
Publication date:	04/14/2015
Edition description:	Bilingual
Pages:	224
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.10(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Heidi Grant, PhD, is a social psychologist who researches, writes, and speaks about the science of motivation. She is Global Director of Research & Development at the NeuroLeadership Institute and serves as Associate Director of Columbia's Motivation Science Center. She received her doctorate in social psychology from Columbia University.

Table of Contents

Introduction: How They See You, How They Don't 1

Part I Why It's So Hard to Understand Each Other

1 You Are Surprisingly Hard to Understand 9

2 Your Observers Are Cognitive Misers (and So Are You) 21

3 The Two Phases of Perceiving People 41

Part II The Lenses That Shape Perception

4 The Trust Lens 65

5 The Power Lens 85

6 The Ego Lens 103

Part III Lenses for Particular Personalities

7 Eager Reward-Seekers and Vigilant Risk-Mitigators 129

8 The Clingy, Anxious Perceiver and the Aloof, Avoidant Perceiver 147

Part IV Being Seen, and Seeing Others, More Accurately

9 Correcting Bad Impressions and Overcoming Misunderstandings 165

Conclusion: Becoming a Better Judge of Others-and of Yourself 187

Notes 193

Index 201

Acknowledgments 211

About the Author 213

Editorial Reviews

“Halvorson parses it all and provides workarounds in this fascinating study of perception and self-awareness.” — SUCCESS magazine, Best of 2015

“Definitely worth a read.” — Small Business Trends (smallbiztrends.com), Entrepreneurial Survivor Guide’s 10 Books for your Nightstand

As seen on Business Insider’s Summer Reading List of “20 Books to Read This Summer That will Make You Smarter about Business.”

Featured on Investor’s Business Daily’s Reading List, “Beach Reads for Businesspeople”

“If you are exhausted by miscommunication, you might want to read No One Understands You and What to Do About It, by Heidi Grant Halvorson… Halvorson users her social psychology background to discuss ways to improve that communication.” — Tom Fox, Washington Post’s Summer Reading List

“… a fascinating book overflowing with fresh insights and advice.” — SUCCESS Magazine

"Both as a journalist and merely a working person, it's important to understand what's going on behind the scenes when we interact with others—why intention and perception are often misaligned. This book uses real research to explain just that, and it offers tons of valuable insight into what we can do about it." — Business Insider (businessinsider.com)

“If you think you know how others perceive you, and how your verbal and nonverbal messages are being interpreted, read this book—you might be surprised.” — TD magazine (Association for Talent Development)

“No One Understands You: And What to Do About It by Heidi Grant Halvorson helps readers close the gap between how they see themselves and how others perceive them, making clear why we are often misunderstood.” — Whitney Johnson as seen on UPS’ Longitudes Bookroom

"Suggestion: To connect better with teammates and others read Heidi Grant Halvorson's captivating new book, No One Understands You And What To Do About It." — Kare Anderson, Huffington Post

“… a codebook for deciphering one of the grand riddles of life: why don’t others see us as we see ourselves? A renowned psychologist charts the path to making a better impression on others while maintaining a sense of integrity.” — Adam Grant, as seen on LinkedIn

“The book offers lots of advice on those three lenses and the broader issue of how you are perceived by others. It’s clearly written, based on research, with lots of examples.” — The Globe and Mail

“She offers tools that help every reader show others who they truly are. Interesting, informative, and genuinely useful.” — BizEd magazine

“Halvorson, a social psychologist at the Columbia Business School, breaks down decades of research into an enjoyable guide to understanding how people perceive each other, and how this knowledge can make you a better communicator.” — Business Insider (businessinsider.com)

ADVANCE PRAISE for No One Understands You and What to Do About It:

Daniel H. Pink, author, To Sell Is Human and Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us—
“Think you know how you come across? Think again. Using a brilliant combination of stories and science, Heidi Grant Halvorson reveals the gulf between how others perceive us and how we perceive ourselves. But instead of leaving us to lament, she shows us how to contend with this sometimes harsh reality. This is a smart, fascinating, and eminently practical book.”

Carol S. Dweck, Lewis and Virginia Eaton Professor of Psychology, Stanford University—
“This is a great book. It’s important, it’s riveting, and it’s extremely useful. In fact, it’s essential for anyone who wants to thrive in their social or business world.”

David Rock, Director and CEO, NeuroLeadership Institute—
“Heidi’s tone and smarts made this book impossible to put down.”

Scott Barry Kaufman, Scientific Director, Imagination Institute, Positive Psychology Center, University of Pennsylvania—
“Despite your best intentions, your perceptions of people are a mirage, contaminated by your past experiences, needs, and desires. This book will help you see yourself and others accurately—perhaps for the first time.”

Art Markman, Annabel Iron Worsham Centennial Professor of Psychology, University of Texas at Austin; author, Smart Thinking and Smart Change—
“Heidi Grant Halvorson explores the fascinating research on personal perception. Not only will this book help you to present yourself more effectively, it will also allow you to see the people around you more accurately.”

Peter Bregman, CEO, Bregman Partners; author, 18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done—
“There are so many good reasons to read this book. It’s smart. It’s insightful. It’s helpful. But the best reason might just be that it’s fun. Heidi Grant Halvorson is a great writer—wise, knowledgeable, and charming at the same time. I found myself laughing while I was learning.”

Nilofer Merchant, author, 11 Rules for Creating Value in the Social Era—
“There is deep power in knowing how to have people see you as only you are.”

David Burkus, author, The Myths of Creativity—
“Being an authentic leader means being perceived authentically. Halvorson masterfully combines research and story to outline why we’re misunderstood and how to be seen for who we really are.”

Adam Grant, Class of 1965 Chaired Professor of Management, Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania; New York Times bestselling author, Give and Take—
“This is a code book for deciphering one of the great riddles of life: why don’t others see us as we see ourselves? With fascinating facts and memorable examples, renowned psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson shows us the path to making a better impression on others while maintaining a sense of integrity.”

Robert I. Sutton, Professor of Management Science and Engineering, Stanford University; author, The No Asshole Rule—
“The best book ever written on why it is so difficult for us humans to communicate with others and what we can do about it. I was blown away by the masterful weave of stories, rock-solid evidence, and, especially, advice that I can use right now to get my message across without confusing or pissing off the other people in my life.”

From the Publisher