No[N]Sense

No[N]Sense

by Ryan A. Kovacs

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781449074272
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Publication date: 11/01/2010
Pages: 164
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.38(d)

First Chapter

no[N]sense


By Ryan A. Kovacs

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2010 Ryan A. Kovacs
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4490-7427-2


Chapter One

Becoming A Man

When a boy becomes a man, he experiences a transformation of his self; physically he remains the same as he becomes more emotionally self-attached. He grows more aware of whom he is rather than whom he was as his mold of self hardens. For some it takes experience and for others it takes time. However, there are few in which that seed is grown through initiative—a choice they have made so as to sacrifice that unsure and uneasy piece of themselves that brings out their inner meaning. In some that meaning is lost and in others, it may be a few times found; yet where they end up is no different but not the same. As if the 'how' wasn't the only thing that mattered, this is the why ...

I'm really starting to understand now. Life that is. I've always known that the only thing constant is change. That things are changing, but nothing changes, and still there are changes.

I've found myself in a spiral change of self because before I was who I am now, nothing fit. Everything was out of balance. Everything was too simple. Everything was wrong.

Relationships/friendships\thoughts/feelings\beliefs/reality\work/family ties\and even /time\ itself were completely off.

Off as in not right, slightly hung over, forced, redundant, incomplete, repetitive, not within motion.

And because of the imbalances that tumbled gaining speed as time progressed, I put a halt to it all. I found that there were alternatives. That there were ways of promise through underlying tones of what was the screen behind the mirror.

And now I don't have to search the mirror of myself, for I am on the other side.

The flip side of life as I like to call it.

And I've found this complacent mode of comfort and condition seen through the eyes I've not seen through before.

It's important to feel, understand and learn the truth. And the only ways to learn the power, the integrity, and the essence of truth is to know both of its sides.

And here I am, on the opposite side of truth, filling desires with unknown needs, completing goals with abundant tasks, accomplishing the inevitable that so many fear.

Where I am has now brought me a new sense of wonder and complexity wherein the person I was yesterday is now no more.

While my underlying tone of content, placement, purity and character may still be present, I have hidden them from those who find it a threat.

Yes, they find it a threat. They find it a threat because of the expectations I have put before them. As high as they are, they are no mountains nor hills, but reaches that are beyond their own recollection or imagination.

One cannot rise to low expectations and so I give opportunity to all. Like a might that cannot be comprehended, I have succumbed to the new will of understanding.

So if I appear as being such a something incomprehensible to whom you may have known a yesterday ago, fear not the unknown of whom or what has become of me, but rather remember that now I understand.

    Sun After Rain

    Heat is rushing through the prism of light
    The life regenerating
    The body within.
    Split ends divide then multiply by 7
    As they trickle down the undivided end.
    Where dead ends meet and street corners cross
    There's a man waiting idly
    Drooping his head with the day.
    His mouth in need of the growth from the milk of his lost mother,
    His heart melting for the need of his broken rose.
    Wilting away as he thumbs through the pages of his holy book
    The acid rain showers and soaks up the words inside spaces
    While the devil holds the suicide king and 4 aces.
    Windows crack at dawn and the arch is withering dry
    As the mountain air succumbs to the glory of the sea.
    Roy rolls down his window,
    "G, we could use some sun."
    Biv responds with only a sigh.
    And who could be happy with just stars in the sky?
    For, it is those lights from the past that scream only lies.


    Contingency Plan

    Crawling hands and knees
    Scrape sharp along the floor
    Of broken glass and torn up pasts
    The day is forever more.
    Upon endless dreams of childhood play
    And the sun sinking down below the bay
    The laughter dies among the flowers decay.
    Sensible subjects go walking down the hall
    And so many lives are lost to the fall.
    Where the callings of men dry from tears that hold no water
    To the depths of humane destruction of the mind.
    Seeking out the killers who deny the evil truth
    Find pity in their thoughts and beauty in their youth.
    Feeding the plenty with so little to spare
    And starving the masses along bridges nowhere,
    The demons find shelter
    At the common wealth fair.
    Ghosts will not be flying
    With their sheets over their eyes
    When a child will scream in terror
    And watch it float through the skies.
    No need is ever worthy,
    No constant is ever followed.
    Only the pure entity emits the light in darker times
    To show the road to the non-existent.
    As if the heavens were pulled down
    By ropes made of golden strings
    It is the gallows far below the ground
    That whistles, hums and sings.
    Where tunes are meshed
    And melodies mashed
    Upon which virtue stands idly by
    Pretending not to cry.

Small Things

I smiled at a girl today. It's not really like me to do such a thing. I figured that since her shirt was bright green, like my wishes so long ago, I would go out on a limb and test the small things in life.

With her hair blonde and eyes light, she came from around the corner not knowing I existed or that I'd be there waiting. And as I watched her eyes, which locked onto the ground, her face rose an inch at a time before she gazed upon me. There, we both looked but did not see, until I gave a piece of myself, branded with uncertainty—a smile of recognition, of hope ... And as she recognized me in return with a small favored twinkle in her eye, I realized that I had her; for however brief a moment, I had her.

And then, she was gone.

"Don't let your bad events of yesterday effect your day of tomorrow. You never know if tomorrow's events could help better your today."

It's kind of amazing how I don't feel anything after all this. Maybe I really am learning something through all of these heartbreaks. I mean, that's all I've encountered in the past few years; there is not one successful relationship or interest to be proud of. Yet, even after all this time of sitting in my head, carving pieces of my heart away, I'm molding my heart perfectly for the one. In a sense, I guess I'm looking for all this heartbreak, attempting the impossible, going against the odds and trying to do what everyone says I can't just so I can have an uncertain outcome in which my mind recalculates, my heart reforms and the love inside grows.

Or maybe there's just something wrong with me? I'm not ruling that out yet either. It's kind of sick in a twisted way that I look for hurt, just so I have an excuse to wear my veil and no one can see.

My veil is a way of tricking people, of fooling them and letting them see someone I am not, confusing them as they form this judgment call and as soon as it's drawn up, I put to rest what they thought of me.

It just bothers me that the past few interests of mine have told me the same thing: they don't want to hurt me. Fuck you then. Hurt is something we all must encounter and feel in order to make us stronger, so how dare you take that away from me. That's being selfish. You don't want me to experience pain simply for the fact that you don't want to feel it yourself. Well I hate to break it to you but it's inevitably going to happen and unlike me, you won't be prepared because you chose not to feel it. I choose to feel it because it's a part of my being; it's a part of who I am and who I have become. Don't fish out the negative with your veil of care and kindness when it's completely false. I'd rather you just be honest with me and say you're afraid of getting hurt. Or better yet, get involved and let it crumble so that instead of one person learning something and feeling something, we both are.

We all have a mission and we must fulfill our destiny. We are in control people. So control yourself when it comes to your pain, because life deals you more pain than happiness so that when happiness comes around, you don't have to keep it for just yourself.

    Dream With Wings

    And I'm sick of this world
    And everything that makes it up
    I want to be a little bird
    And not give a flying fuck
    There are pieces of my heart
    Left broken and torn apart
    I never saw this ever coming
    I never saw it from afar
    These dreams we are all sharing
    The distant memories and truths
    Are all fading fast like darkness
    No light can ever recluse
    When it's hard to be a man
    While the boy inside, he screams
    It's just another piece of the puzzle
    Inside these seamless dreams

"To make a difference is not having the power, but the will and patience to do so."

Weight Of The World

Maybe there's something wrong with me—I'm a defective model of a perfect machine. I'm the part that holds everything together and while I'm doing that, I soon fall apart.

I was designed to be impervious to all evil in the world, but God knows one can only be righteous through all that he must do. My only civil duty and predestined path is symbolized in my model number as 143.

I've been beat up, worn down, rebuilt, recalibrated and even reused, but the parts of me that will never break, those that make my purpose more desired, are the threads which unify what I hold together. I'm not made of any hard metal, or stone, nor am I glued in one position, however where I am is the only place I can be.

I've been a bolt-like being that turns in and out only to create hope so that others may live inside a mold of goodness. When I was drawn up on a crumpled piece of paper ages ago, people denied that which I'd one day—today, stand for. Yet here in my place, the place I've been designated to for all these years has become my only mission and only goal to not just continue holding on for selfish reasons alone but also for self-sacrificing reasons.

The art of being a tool is the ability to perfectly perform one's function. Yet now, after all this time of being stuck in one place, performing my duties, paying my dues and doing only that which I was created for, I find myself weakened. Not from the responsibilities or chaos that need my efforts in order to make its own self complete, but from the weight that has fallen atop me.

My original inventor forgot one unforeseeable circumstance that could, overall, damage or destroy my perfection. He himself sought out the world's problems and made them his own. Totally oblivious to what would eventually, eons down the road of time, come into play to face my design, I was put into mass production to carry the burdens of society.

But that was it, there was nothing more that I could do, nothing more that I would ever do. So while all the originals died out and their perfection became flawed, an uncertain outcome would need to be produced in order to halt the most obsolete problem. Hence, I was created and modified from my original tactful form to not just hold the burdens of the world, but also its truths.

It's never that simple. I was designed to perform such an act of God, to say, that I would never be discovered until all was too late. Yet here I am, doing all that I must do just so I don't fall apart and let crumble all that I've held up for so long. What my master of design never told me was that the prototypes before me, models 1 through 142, all had failed because of one circumstantial emotion.

They all carried the burdens and weight of the world, but when the ingredients that created love were dispersed upon them, they cracked and fell, leaving the entire world to nothing. Many of the designers of this ideal did not see this as a successful failure; they abandoned the problem, expecting I would be like all the rest, fall and crack, the burdens that I carried falling into emptiness and becoming forgotten as well.

And after all this time of holding onto the burdens of life and now love, I feel as though I should cave in under this pressure and weight, knowing full well my design is indeed perfect, just simply to smite the fearful ones. I know now that my symbolic traits have led me down this predestined path in which I would hold all and everything.

But I've seen the bottom to where I would fall should I give up. The bottom is obscure and filled with nothingness, meanwhile I hold all the importance of the world up. I'm like a rock that separates two mountains from colliding together and destroying one another. And I have the choice to let it all fall down as if I were never perfect in the first place. Or the choice to keep my posture and hold up the heaviest part of life and love so that when the day comes when my perfection is no longer empowered, the world and I can hold on not because we're meant to, but because we have to in order to survive.

There's a lot to be said about patience. Patience is the key to joy. Patience is a virtue. Patience is a calm we can all achieve. Patience to me has been something I have thrived upon throughout my entire life and I find that with each obstacle that comes nearer, I find the strength to hold on and endure.

That is what we must do—endure. Enduring impossible days, or moments of hardship when the only comfort we wish for cannot be provided due to distance or space. I assure you though, that this distance and space between is merely inches on a map and numbers on an odometer. Those numbers combined will never add up to what we are as individuals, nor will they even share a digit in the amount that adds up to us together.

This is a test for you and I, not to see if we will make it, because as God as my witness I will do all and everything to make sure that we will. However this is a test to our hearts. As broken as they have been before, this is our test to each other to fix and heal those deep wounds of the past where the future is forgiving and the past is not.

We don't need what we were anymore because all that matters now is what and who we are and what and who we wish to be and become. Sure, our efforts may seem tiresome and our minds may try to trick us into the deceitful negative thoughts. Yet, those are the times when we must prevail, when we must stand taller than the smallest of distractions.

These restraints that hold me won't hold me forever, because with every giving day I pull harder on those chains, ready to tear them from the wall so that I may let the walls fall down around me with my arms wrapped around your soul. This mission and goal and desire we seek is no longer this impeding want, yet a developing need that will not suffice for the lack of time that time has restricted us to.

This is the need that whispers when screams are too loud to hear. This is the need that says "I will" when the world around says "you won't." This is the need that proves to be the string that ties our hearts together, hanging them high for everyone else to see, illuminating them with the dedication it took to break away from time and make it our own.

I had every intention of writing something of importance here, but my fingers feel so heavy, I feel I might push through the keyboard. So I had it good there for a while. Not long enough to call it worth it, but not short enough to call it a waste; just somewhere in between I guess? Maybe I'm just not cut out for a relationship anymore. I just kind of want to cry right now. I think I will.

I'll cry like I bleed— Hard.

(Her name here) hurt me in ways I just can't explain anymore. I'm just so locked in. Or maybe just locked out. And the worst part is that I hold the key, right here, right around my neck, to seal it all away, but I can't do it on my own. There must be someone worthy of sharing this key with. Someone willing to help lead me down a new path of love. Someone who cares. Who doesn't have to lie to spare my feelings. Who doesn't have to think, but can act accordingly. Someone who knows enough to feel secure in uncertainty. Someone who can love as I love. Just, someone.

I'm ready to quit this relationship bullshit. There's either people who are truly happy or people who are truly miserable. And here I am, stuck in the middle being yanked around like children fighting over candy.

Well this is it. I'm done. There's nothing here for me to even work for. Nothing worth achieving. Nothing besides nothingness and all that it encompasses.

Now if only I could cry, maybe then these words could be washed from my mind, then I could go to sleep and wake up rejuvenated and alive the next morning. Instead, my tears will stay inside, soak up the matters and drown them in sorrow.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from no[N]sense by Ryan A. Kovacs Copyright © 2010 by Ryan A. Kovacs. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Contents

1. Foreword....................ix
2. Becoming A Man....................1
3. Who I am. Who I was....................2
4. Sun After Rain....................5
5. Contingency Plan....................6
6. Small Things....................7
7. Broken Promise....................8
8. Selfishness....................10
9. Dream With Wings....................13
10. Weight Of The World....................15
11. Patience Letter....................18
12. I'm Sorry....................20
13. Blood Drain....................23
14. Love Letter....................24
15. Shotgun aftermath....................25
16. The Lost Desert Of You....................28
17. You'll See....................31
18. Sacrifice Letter....................34
19. Bottoms Up....................37
20. Preparing....................38
21. Ghosts....................41
22. Climbing Backwards....................42
23. Uncertainty....................45
24. Uncle Johnny....................46
25. Beneath Between....................49
26. Blossom Girl....................54
27. Brother Letter....................55
28. Let Go....................57
29. Stung....................60
30. Black Steel Tail....................62
31. Watching....................65
32. Time....................66
33. Blacken The Lights. Lighten The Spikes pikes....................68
34. Suicide Letter (2nd attempt)....................69
35. Taps....................77
36. Distance for Space. Time for Eternity....................80
37. Something Death....................82
38. Shoes....................89
39. Vesper....................92
40. Pieces Of Love....................95
41. Letters....................96
42. Islander....................99
43. Sowing Seeds....................100
44. These Words....................102
45. Leap Of Faith....................103
46. Under A Soundless Moon....................110
47. New Beginning....................112
48. Cyclical....................115
49. Rain....................116
50. My Son....................117
51. 1-12 minute/year....................118
52. Kiss Goodbye....................121
53. Love Knot....................127
54. Control....................129
55. Fingers In The Mire....................131
56. Face Of Disgrace....................132
57. Hold The Line....................134
58. Tragedy....................135
59. Footprints On My Heart....................136
60. Burned....................138
61. Love Bones....................139
62. Breathe....................140
63. A Glimpse....................142
64. The Logical Problem....................144
65. Believe In Me....................147

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