"The older one grows, the more one likes indecency." —Virginia Woolf
So you’re getting on a bit, but even if your body creaks more than it used to, you’ve still got your sense of humor. This collection of witty quotations and gems of senior sagacity will keep a spring in your step and the cobwebs at bay.
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About the Author
Richard Benson is the author of the phenomenally successful F in Exams series.
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ACCEPTING OLD AGE
Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative.
What's a man's age? He must hurry more, that's all / Cram in a day what his youth took a year to hold.
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.
When it comes to old age we're all in the same boat, only some of us have been aboard a little longer.
Senescence begins And middle-age ends, The day your descendants Outnumber your friends.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
GETTING OLD IS A FASCINATING THING. THE OLDER YOU GET, THE OLDER YOU WANT TO GET.
At middle age the soul should be opening up like a rose, not closing up like a cabbage.
JOHN ANDREW HOLMES
I ALWAYS ADD A YEAR TO MYSELF, SO I'M PREPARED FOR MY NEXT BIRTHDAY. SO WHEN I WAS 39, I WAS ALREADY 40.
Don't let ageing get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
I'm 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?
Sure I'm for helping the elderly. I'm going to be old myself some day.
BENEFITS OF OLD AGE
Old age takes away what we've inherited and gives us what we've earned.
A whole new life has opened before you, filled with things you can think about, study, or read about.
'Till death do us part' doesn't sound so horrible. It only means about 10 or 15 years and not the eternity it used to mean.
We don't grow older, we grow riper.
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Old age at least gives me an excuse for not being very good at things.
AUTUMN IS REALLY THE BEST OF THE SEASONS; AND I'M NOT SURE THAT OLD AGE ISN'T THE BEST PART OF LIFE.
C. S. Lewis
The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.
THE GREAT THING ABOUT GETTING OLDER IS THAT YOU DON'T LOSE ALL THE OTHER AGES YOU'VE BEEN.
One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you've become harmless.
The great comfort of turning 49 is the realisation that you are now too old to die young.
You only have to survive in England and all is forgiven you.
One of the good things about getting older is you find you're more interesting than most of the people you meet.
IN OLD AGE WE ARE LIKE A BATCH OF LETTERS THAT SOMEONE HAS SENT. WE ARE NO LONGER IN THE POST, WE HAVE ARRIVED.
There's one advantage to being 102. No peer pressure.
At 79, if you drop something it just lies there. At 80, people pick it up for you.
HELEN VAN SLYKE
It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.
The whiter my hair becomes, the more ready people are to believe what I say.
Age is only a number.
BIRTHDAYS ARE GOOD FOR YOU. STATISTICS SHOW THAT THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE MOST LIVE THE LONGEST.
Father Larry Lorenzoni
My wife hasn't had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows.
You're getting old when the only thing you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of it.
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
Oft from shrivelled skin comes useful counsel.
ABOUT THE ONLY THING THAT COMES TO US WITHOUT EFFORT IS OLD AGE.
When you win, you're an old pro. When you lose, you're an old man.
Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.
Nobody loves life like him who is growing old.
GRANDCHILDREN DON'T MAKE A MAN FEEL OLD; IT'S THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HE'S MARRIED TO A GRANDMOTHER.
G. Norman Collie
One should never make one's debut in a scandal. One should reserve that to give interest to one's old age.
AND IN THE END, IT'S NOT THE YEARS IN YOUR LIFE THAT COUNT. IT'S THE LIFE IN YOUR YEARS.
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
A lady of a 'certain age', which means Certainly aged.
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.
ABIGAIL VAN BUREN
Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
May you live all the days of your life.
By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out.
GROWING OLD IS LIKE BEING INCREASINGLY PENALISED FOR A CRIME YOU HAVEN'T COMMITTED.
LIFE CAN ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD BACKWARDS, BUT IT MUST BE LIVED FORWARDS.
I go slower as time goes faster.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is.
Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow.
I think that what happens early on in life is that at a certain age one stands still and stagnates.
T. S. ELIOT
Old age is the verdict of life.
Amelia E. Barr
I am long on ideas, but short on time. I expect to live to be only about a hundred.
Men who are orthodox when they are young are in danger of being middle-aged all their lives.
Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.
Old age is life's parody.
SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR
You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again.
Life is a funny thing that happens to you on the way to the grave.
AGE WRINKLES THE BODY. QUITTING WRINKLES THE SOUL.
EXPERIENCE, MISTAKES AND ADVICE
If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
WE LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE THAT MEN NEVER LEARN ANYTHING FROM EXPERIENCE.
George Bernard Shaw
My greatest regret is not knowing at 30 what I knew about women at 60.
I'll never make the mistake of being 70 again.
Autumn is mellower, and what we lose in flowers, we more than gain in fruits.
Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age.
A prune is an experienced plum.
JOHN H. TRATTNER
I look carefully the second time into those things that I am most certain of the first time.
I ADVISE YOU TO GO ON LIVING SOLELY TO ENRAGE THOSE WHO ARE PAYING YOUR ANNUITIES.
When I was young, I was told: 'You'll see when you're 50.' I'm 50 and I haven't seen a thing.
When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are.
Life is too short to learn German.
Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Charles M. Schulz
As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
Experience is a comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
The time to begin most things is ten years ago.
THE GOOD OLD DAYS
Most people like the old days best – they were younger then.
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
FRANKLIN PIERCE ADAMS
It becomes increasingly easy, as you get older, to drown in nostalgia.
Sometimes when a man recalls the good old days, he's really thinking of his bad young days.
THE GOOD OLD DAYS ARE NOW.
GROWING OLD GRACEFULLY
Let us respect grey hairs, especially our own.
J. P. SEARS
The best mirror is an old friend.
I'd like to grow very old as slowly as possible.
IRENE MAYER SELZNICK
WHEN IT COMES TO STAYING YOUNG, A MIND-LIFT BEATS A FACE-LIFT ANY DAY.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
I DON'T PLAN TO GROW OLD GRACEFULLY; I PLAN TO HAVE FACELIFTS UNTIL MY EARS MEET.
The easiest way to diminish the appearance of wrinkles is to keep your glasses off when you look in the mirror.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.
CHARLES M. SCHULZ
There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
The older you get the stronger the wind gets – and it's always in your face.
Some grow bitter with age; the more their teeth drop out, the more biting they get.
GEORGE D. PRENTICE
My Uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: 'What are you looking at?'
There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.
I refused to go on Grumpy Old Men. I said, 'If I go on, I will be grumpy about grumpy old men.'
IF OLD PEOPLE WERE TO MOBILISE EN MASSE THEY WOULD CONSTITUTE A FORMIDABLE FIGHTING FORCE.
HEALTH AND EXERCISE
If I'm feeling really wild I don't floss before bedtime.
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.
I am getting to an age when I can only enjoy the last sport left. It is called hunting for your spectacles.
Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway.
TO WIN BACK MY YOUTH... THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDN'T DO EXCEPT TAKE EXERCISE, GET UP EARLY, OR BE A USEFUL MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY.
Old people should not eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
I've just become a pensioner so I've started saving up for my own hospital trolley.
If you rest, you rust.
IF, AT 60, YOU ARE SUPPLE AND STRONG, THEN YOU ARE YOUNG.
Middle age is when you are not inclined to exercise anything but caution.
EACH YEAR IT GROWS HARDER TO MAKE ENDS MEET - THE ENDS I REFER TO ARE HANDS AND FEET.
I don't want a flu jab. I like getting flu. It gives me something else to complain about.
I keep fit. Every morning, I do a hundred laps of an Olympic-sized swimming pool – in a small motor launch.
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory.
If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
I guess I don't so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.
My mother is no spring chicken although she has got as many chemicals in her as one.
DAME EDNA EVERAGE
The older I get, the older old is.
Old age is always 15 years older than what I am.
I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time.
I BELIEVE IN LOYALTY; I THINK WHEN A WOMAN REACHES AN AGE SHE LIKES SHE SHOULD STICK TO IT.
Professionally, I have no age.
I'M AS OLD AS MY TONGUE AND A LITTLE BIT OLDER THAN MY TEETH.
I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963.
I am just turning 40 and taking my time about it.
HAROLD LLOYD ON TURNING 77
I refuse to admit that I am more than 52, even if that makes my children illegitimate.
I'M 60 YEARS OF AGE. THAT'S 16 CELSIUS.
I'm not 40 – I'm 18 with 22 years' experience.
Whenever the talk turns to age, I say I am 49 plus VAT.
She may very well pass for 43 in the dusk with the light behind her!
W. S. GILBERT
Age is a number – mine is unlisted.
No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
FIRST WOMEN SUBTRACT FROM THEIR AGE, THEN THEY DIVIDE IT, AND THEN THEY EXTRACT ITS SQUARE ROOT.
HE HAD DECIDED TO LIVE FOREVER OR DIE IN THE ATTEMPT.
The first step to eternal life is you have to die.
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
JACK E. LEONARD
The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
I BELIEVE THE TRUE FUNCTION OF AGE IS MEMORY. I'M RECORDING AS FAST AS I CAN.
Rita Mae Brown
Interviewer: CAN YOU REMEMBER ANY OF YOUR PAST LIVES?
The Dalai Lama: AT MY AGE I HAVE A PROBLEM REMEMBERING WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.
Once you've accumulated sufficient knowledge to get by, you're too old to remember it.
After the age of 80, everything reminds you of something else.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two ...
Excerpted from "Old Git Wit And Wisdom"
Copyright © 2017 Summersdale Publishers Ltd.
Excerpted by permission of Summersdale Publishers Ltd.
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Table of Contents
Accepting Old Age,
Benefits of Old Age,
Experience, Mistakes and Advice,
The Good Old Days,
Growing Old Gracefully,
Health and Exercise,
Nature of Old Age,
Not Growing Up,
Pleasures of Old Age,
Secrets of Longevity,
Sex and Indecency,
Signs of Old Age,
Talking 'bout the Generations,
Thoughts on Death and Afterlife,
Women and Men,
Youth v Old Age,