Old Git Wit and Wisdom: Quips and Quotes for the Young at Heart

Old Git Wit and Wisdom: Quips and Quotes for the Young at Heart

by Richard Benson

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781786850591
Publisher: Summersdale
Publication date: 07/01/2018
Pages: 208
Product dimensions: 4.50(w) x 7.25(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

Richard Benson is the author of the phenomenally successful F in Exams series.

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CHAPTER 1

ACCEPTING OLD AGE

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternative.

MAURICE CHEVALIER

*
What's a man's age? He must hurry more, that's all / Cram in a day what his youth took a year to hold.

ROBERT BROWNING

*
Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.

GOLDA MEIR

*
When it comes to old age we're all in the same boat, only some of us have been aboard a little longer.

LEO PROBST

*
Senescence begins And middle-age ends, The day your descendants Outnumber your friends.

OGDEN NASH

*
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

WILL ROGERS

GETTING OLD IS A FASCINATING THING. THE OLDER YOU GET, THE OLDER YOU WANT TO GET.

Keith Richards

At middle age the soul should be opening up like a rose, not closing up like a cabbage.

JOHN ANDREW HOLMES

*
I ALWAYS ADD A YEAR TO MYSELF, SO I'M PREPARED FOR MY NEXT BIRTHDAY. SO WHEN I WAS 39, I WAS ALREADY 40.

Nicolas Cage

Don't let ageing get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

JOHN WAGNER

*
I'm 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?

BARRY CRYER

*
Sure I'm for helping the elderly. I'm going to be old myself some day.

LILLIAN CARTER

CHAPTER 2

BENEFITS OF OLD AGE

Old age takes away what we've inherited and gives us what we've earned.

GERALD BRENAN

*
A whole new life has opened before you, filled with things you can think about, study, or read about.

AGATHA CHRISTIE

*
'Till death do us part' doesn't sound so horrible. It only means about 10 or 15 years and not the eternity it used to mean.

JOY BEHAR

*
We don't grow older, we grow riper.

PABLO PICASSO

*
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

*
Old age at least gives me an excuse for not being very good at things.

THOMAS SOWELL

AUTUMN IS REALLY THE BEST OF THE SEASONS; AND I'M NOT SURE THAT OLD AGE ISN'T THE BEST PART OF LIFE.

C. S. Lewis

The more sand has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.

NICCOLÒ MACHIAVELLI

*
THE GREAT THING ABOUT GETTING OLDER IS THAT YOU DON'T LOSE ALL THE OTHER AGES YOU'VE BEEN.

Madeleine L'Engle

One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you've become harmless.

LIZ SMITH

*
The great comfort of turning 49 is the realisation that you are now too old to die young.

PAUL DICKSON

*
You only have to survive in England and all is forgiven you.

ALAN BENNETT

*
One of the good things about getting older is you find you're more interesting than most of the people you meet.

LEE MARVIN

*
IN OLD AGE WE ARE LIKE A BATCH OF LETTERS THAT SOMEONE HAS SENT. WE ARE NO LONGER IN THE POST, WE HAVE ARRIVED.

Knut Hamsun

There's one advantage to being 102. No peer pressure.

DENNIS WOLFBERG

*
At 79, if you drop something it just lies there. At 80, people pick it up for you.

HELEN VAN SLYKE

*
It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.

BRIGITTE BARDOT

The whiter my hair becomes, the more ready people are to believe what I say.

Bertrand Russell

CHAPTER 3

BIRTHDAYS

Age is only a number.

LEXI STARLING

*
BIRTHDAYS ARE GOOD FOR YOU. STATISTICS SHOW THAT THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE MOST LIVE THE LONGEST.

Father Larry Lorenzoni

My wife hasn't had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of our Lord-only-knows.

ANONYMOUS

*
You're getting old when the only thing you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of it.

FELIX SEVERN

*
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.

JOHN GLENN

CHAPTER 4

ELDERLY MUSINGS

Oft from shrivelled skin comes useful counsel.

SAEMUND

*
ABOUT THE ONLY THING THAT COMES TO US WITHOUT EFFORT IS OLD AGE.

Gloria Pitzer

When you win, you're an old pro. When you lose, you're an old man.

CHARLEY CONERLY

*
Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

*
Nobody loves life like him who is growing old.

SOPHOCLES

GRANDCHILDREN DON'T MAKE A MAN FEEL OLD; IT'S THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HE'S MARRIED TO A GRANDMOTHER.

G. Norman Collie

One should never make one's debut in a scandal. One should reserve that to give interest to one's old age.

OSCAR WILDE

*
AND IN THE END, IT'S NOT THE YEARS IN YOUR LIFE THAT COUNT. IT'S THE LIFE IN YOUR YEARS.

Anonymous

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

TRUMAN CAPOTE

*
A lady of a 'certain age', which means Certainly aged.

LORD BYRON

*
Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

GROUCHO MARX

*
It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.

ABIGAIL VAN BUREN

*
Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

TOM WILSON

*
May you live all the days of your life.

JONATHAN SWIFT

*
By the time I have money to burn, my fire will have burnt out.

ANONYMOUS

*
GROWING OLD IS LIKE BEING INCREASINGLY PENALISED FOR A CRIME YOU HAVEN'T COMMITTED.

Anthony Powell

LIFE CAN ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD BACKWARDS, BUT IT MUST BE LIVED FORWARDS.

Søren Kierkegaard

I go slower as time goes faster.

MASON COOLEY

*
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

WILL ROGERS

*
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

BILLIE BURKE

*
When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is.

OSCAR WILDE

*
Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow.

MARK TWAIN

*
I think that what happens early on in life is that at a certain age one stands still and stagnates.

T. S. ELIOT

Old age is the verdict of life.

Amelia E. Barr

I am long on ideas, but short on time. I expect to live to be only about a hundred.

THOMAS EDISON

*
Men who are orthodox when they are young are in danger of being middle-aged all their lives.

WALTER LIPPMANN

*
Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

GROUCHO MARX

*
Old age is life's parody.

SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR

*
You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again.

BONNIE PRUDDEN

*
Life is a funny thing that happens to you on the way to the grave.

QUENTIN CRISP

AGE WRINKLES THE BODY. QUITTING WRINKLES THE SOUL.

Douglas MacArthur

CHAPTER 5

EXPERIENCE, MISTAKES AND ADVICE

If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD

*
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

*
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.

MUHAMMAD ALI

*
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

TOM STOPPARD

*
WE LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE THAT MEN NEVER LEARN ANYTHING FROM EXPERIENCE.

George Bernard Shaw

My greatest regret is not knowing at 30 what I knew about women at 60.

ARTHUR MILLER

*
I'll never make the mistake of being 70 again.

CASEY STENGEL

*
Autumn is mellower, and what we lose in flowers, we more than gain in fruits.

SAMUEL BUTLER

*
Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age.

CHRISTOPHER MORLEY

*
A prune is an experienced plum.

JOHN H. TRATTNER

*
I look carefully the second time into those things that I am most certain of the first time.

JOSH BILLINGS

I ADVISE YOU TO GO ON LIVING SOLELY TO ENRAGE THOSE WHO ARE PAYING YOUR ANNUITIES.

Voltaire

When I was young, I was told: 'You'll see when you're 50.' I'm 50 and I haven't seen a thing.

ERIK SATIE

*
When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are.

CARY GRANT

*
Life is too short to learn German.

RICHARD PORSON

Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.

Charles M. Schulz

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.

ANDREW CARNEGIE

*
Experience is a comb life gives you after you lose your hair.

JUDITH STERN

*
The time to begin most things is ten years ago.

MIGNON MCLAUGHLIN

CHAPTER 6

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Most people like the old days best – they were younger then.

ANONYMOUS

*
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.

FRANKLIN PIERCE ADAMS

*
It becomes increasingly easy, as you get older, to drown in nostalgia.

TED KOPPEL

*
Sometimes when a man recalls the good old days, he's really thinking of his bad young days.

ANONYMOUS

*
THE GOOD OLD DAYS ARE NOW.

Tom Clancy

CHAPTER 7

GROWING OLD GRACEFULLY

Let us respect grey hairs, especially our own.

J. P. SEARS

*
The best mirror is an old friend.

GEORGE HERBERT

*
I'd like to grow very old as slowly as possible.

IRENE MAYER SELZNICK

WHEN IT COMES TO STAYING YOUNG, A MIND-LIFT BEATS A FACE-LIFT ANY DAY.

Marty Bucella

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

ANONYMOUS

*
I DON'T PLAN TO GROW OLD GRACEFULLY; I PLAN TO HAVE FACELIFTS UNTIL MY EARS MEET.

Rita Rudner

The easiest way to diminish the appearance of wrinkles is to keep your glasses off when you look in the mirror.

JOAN RIVERS

*
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

*
The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon.

CHARLES M. SCHULZ

CHAPTER 8

GRUMPINESS

There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it.

PATRICK MOORE

*
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.

HENRY BRIGHTMAN

*
The older you get the stronger the wind gets – and it's always in your face.

JACK NICKLAUS

*
Some grow bitter with age; the more their teeth drop out, the more biting they get.

GEORGE D. PRENTICE

*
My Uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: 'What are you looking at?'

MARGARET SMITH

*
There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.

RICK WAKEMAN

*
I refused to go on Grumpy Old Men. I said, 'If I go on, I will be grumpy about grumpy old men.'

STEPHEN FRY

*
IF OLD PEOPLE WERE TO MOBILISE EN MASSE THEY WOULD CONSTITUTE A FORMIDABLE FIGHTING FORCE.

Vera Forrester

CHAPTER 9

HEALTH AND EXERCISE

If I'm feeling really wild I don't floss before bedtime.

JUDITH VIORST

*
People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.

RUSSELL BAKER

*
I am getting to an age when I can only enjoy the last sport left. It is called hunting for your spectacles.

EDWARD GREY

*
Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway.

ANONYMOUS

*
TO WIN BACK MY YOUTH... THERE IS NOTHING I WOULDN'T DO EXCEPT TAKE EXERCISE, GET UP EARLY, OR BE A USEFUL MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY.

Oscar Wilde

Old people should not eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

ROBERT ORBEN

*
I've just become a pensioner so I've started saving up for my own hospital trolley.

TOM BAKER

*
If you rest, you rust.

HELEN HAYES

IF, AT 60, YOU ARE SUPPLE AND STRONG, THEN YOU ARE YOUNG.

Joseph Pilates

Middle age is when you are not inclined to exercise anything but caution.

ARTHUR MURRAY

*
EACH YEAR IT GROWS HARDER TO MAKE ENDS MEET - THE ENDS I REFER TO ARE HANDS AND FEET.

Richard Armour

I don't want a flu jab. I like getting flu. It gives me something else to complain about.

DAVID LETTERMAN

*
I keep fit. Every morning, I do a hundred laps of an Olympic-sized swimming pool – in a small motor launch.

PETER COOK

*
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.

ROBERT BENCHLEY

When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory.

John Mortimer

If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

EUBIE BLAKE

*
I guess I don't so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.

PETER GABRIEL

*
My mother is no spring chicken although she has got as many chemicals in her as one.

DAME EDNA EVERAGE

CHAPTER 10

HOW OLD?

The older I get, the older old is.

TOM BAKER

*
Old age is always 15 years older than what I am.

BERNARD BARUCH

*
I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time.

GREER GARSON

I BELIEVE IN LOYALTY; I THINK WHEN A WOMAN REACHES AN AGE SHE LIKES SHE SHOULD STICK TO IT.

Eva Gabor

Professionally, I have no age.

KATHLEEN TURNER

*
I'M AS OLD AS MY TONGUE AND A LITTLE BIT OLDER THAN MY TEETH.

Kris Kringle

I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963.

JOAN RIVERS

*
I am just turning 40 and taking my time about it.

HAROLD LLOYD ON TURNING 77

*
I refuse to admit that I am more than 52, even if that makes my children illegitimate.

NANCY ASTOR

I'M 60 YEARS OF AGE. THAT'S 16 CELSIUS.

George Carlin

I'm not 40 – I'm 18 with 22 years' experience.

ANONYMOUS

*
Whenever the talk turns to age, I say I am 49 plus VAT.

LIONEL BLAIR

*
She may very well pass for 43 in the dusk with the light behind her!

W. S. GILBERT

Age is a number – mine is unlisted.

Anonymous

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.

OSCAR WILDE

*
FIRST WOMEN SUBTRACT FROM THEIR AGE, THEN THEY DIVIDE IT, AND THEN THEY EXTRACT ITS SQUARE ROOT.

Anonymous

CHAPTER 11

IMMORTALITY

HE HAD DECIDED TO LIVE FOREVER OR DIE IN THE ATTEMPT.

Joseph Heller

The first step to eternal life is you have to die.

CHUCK PALAHNIUK

*
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

SUSAN ERTZ

*
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

JACK E. LEONARD

*
The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever.

HERB CAEN

*
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

GEORGE BURNS

*
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

STEPHEN WRIGHT

CHAPTER 12

MEMORY LOSS

By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

GEORGE BURNS

*
I BELIEVE THE TRUE FUNCTION OF AGE IS MEMORY. I'M RECORDING AS FAST AS I CAN.

Rita Mae Brown

Interviewer: CAN YOU REMEMBER ANY OF YOUR PAST LIVES?

The Dalai Lama: AT MY AGE I HAVE A PROBLEM REMEMBERING WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.

Once you've accumulated sufficient knowledge to get by, you're too old to remember it.

ANONYMOUS

*
After the age of 80, everything reminds you of something else.

LOWELL THOMAS

*
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two ...

NORMAN WISDOM

(Continues…)



Excerpted from "Old Git Wit And Wisdom"
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Copyright © 2017 Summersdale Publishers Ltd.
Excerpted by permission of Summersdale Publishers Ltd.
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Table of Contents

Cover,
Title Page,
Copyright,
Editor's Note,
Accepting Old Age,
Benefits of Old Age,
Birthdays,
Elderly Musings,
Experience, Mistakes and Advice,
The Good Old Days,
Growing Old Gracefully,
Grumpiness,
Health and Exercise,
How Old?,
Immortality,
Memory Loss,
Middle Age,
Nature of Old Age,
Not Growing Up,
Pleasures of Old Age,
Physical Effects,
Retirement,
Secrets of Longevity,
Senility,
Sex and Indecency,
Signs of Old Age,
Style,
Talking 'bout the Generations,
Thoughts on Death and Afterlife,
Women and Men,
Youth v Old Age,

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