Own Your Everyday: Overcome the Pressure to Prove and Show Up for What You Were Made to Do
240
Own Your Everyday: Overcome the Pressure to Prove and Show Up for What You Were Made to Do
240Hardcover
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Overview
“This book will meet you right where you are with a giant hug while also giving you a little kick in the pants.”—Audrey Roloff, New York Times bestselling coauthor of A Love Letter Life, founder of Always More, cofounder of Beating50Percent
Does it ever seem like you still have to find your purpose or that you’re stuck with “unfigured-out dreams”? Do you feel the pressure to prove yourself or worry about what others will think?
You are not the only one.
From accidentally starting a small business instead of using her college degree, to embarrassing herself onstage in front of thousands, to wasting time worrying about what others think or say, Jordan Lee Dooley knows exactly how that feels—and she’s learned some important lessons about living a purposeful life along the way.
An influential millennial widely recognized for her tagline turned international movement, “Your Brokenness is Welcome Here,” Jordan has become a go-to source that women around the world look to for inspiration in their faith, work, relationships, and everyday life.
Now, in this approachable but actionable read that’s jam-packed with practical tools, Jordan equips you to
• tackle obstacles such as disappointment, perfectionism, comparison, and distraction
• remove labels and break out of the box of expectations
• identify and eliminate excuses and unnecessary stress about an unknown future
• overcome the lie that you can’t live your God-given purpose until you reach a certain goal or milestone
If you ever feel you need to shift your mindset but don’t know how, this book will help you overcome shame, practice gratitude, and redefine success.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780735291492 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | The Crown Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 05/14/2019 |
| Pages: | 240 |
| Sales rank: | 309,925 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.20(w) x 8.10(h) x 1.00(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Chapter 1: You Can’t Walk Through Walls
Here are a few things you should know about me: I don’t have a master’s degree in anything. I haven’t saved someone from a burning building recently (or ever). I had a chicken named Pickle (I say had because she was recently escorted to chicken heaven, thanks to the not-so-friendly neighborhood owl). My favorite talent is that I can clap with one hand (which makes me look a little ridiculous flapping my hand around). Quite honestly, I’m a pretty average human being.
I just want to make sure we’re on the same page, because there have been far too many times I’ve opened a book thinking the author puts her pants on differently than I do—as if she’s a fancy-pants lady instead of an ordinary, imperfect human like me. Why do we do that? Why do we see people’s names on book covers or their faces on TV or become followers of their social media and then get some weird idea in our heads that they’re better than we are?
I’ve done it, and I’m sure you have too. So let me just set your expectations here. I’m not trying to be your pastor or your professor or your counselor. I’m your pal. We put our pants on the same way. And I hope you feel as though you’re sitting on the floor eating pizza with me in our pajamas and not as though I’m talking at you from a pulpit.
Just to paint the scene, I’m currently sitting at my kitchen table wearing mismatched socks and an oversize T-shirt, and I could really use a shower. (Sometimes when you get on a writing roll, you just accept the troll look for the day and go into your cave.) It’s not exactly glamorous over here.
That’s my whole point, though. Who says we have to be glamorous to show up and do what we’re made to do? Who says we’ve got to have a cool story to step into something bigger than ourselves? That narrative stops right here. Maybe if we quit assuming our talents are lame or our stories are boring or we have to be impressive to be impactful and instead just look a little deeper, we’ll find something more powerful than what meets the eye.
That said, even if you are cooler than I am and you have saved somebody from a burning building or won a Nobel Peace Prize, I still think we’ll be friends. I believe we can have different experiences and still ultimately struggle with the same core issues: insecurities, unmet expectations, and the pressure to prove ourselves. I’ve been so wrapped up in labels and perceived expectations that I nearly lost myself. If any of this resonates with you, pop a squat and let’s have a two-hundred-plus-page chat.
Now that we’ve found some common ground in our mutual humanness, I want to start at the beginning of my story, with some of my earliest and most treasured memories.
Big Step
One particular memory is so vivid that I can almost smell the corn tortillas searing on the stove and hear Nana’s thick Hispanic accent. Though decades have passed, I still remember the games I’d play with my grandma in her tiny one-bedroom apartment. I loved those times when it was just the two of us, when she’d make my favorite food and we’d giggle and play games until all hours of the night. (Bedtime never existed during sleepovers at Nana’s house.)
As I played with my dolls on the floor one evening, Nana reached for a roll of masking tape, ripped off a long piece, and stuck it to the fuzzy brown carpet next to me. She placed another and another, until several long pieces formed a lopsided square around my six-year-old self. Then she tossed the remainder of the roll to the side.
“Ta-da!” she said. “Es una casa, mi Jordan preciosa!” (“It’s a house, my precious Jordan!”) A gap, an empty space on one side, marked the doorway to get in and out of our imaginary house. Stepping over the cockeyed lines of tape that marked pretend walls wouldn’t do. Why? Because you can’t walk through walls.
I’m always amazed when I realize these simple, seemingly insignificant childhood games we played had powerful lessons tucked inside. Doors are essential in life. Doors are the only way we allow others in and the only way we step out. They’re also the only way we move beyond the little walls we tend to build around ourselves in an effort to avoid vulnerability or possible betrayal. Perhaps in our most simple and unobserved experiences, such as mine with Nana, we learn more about the purpose tucked deep inside us than in the milestones and moments we publicize on social media.
This was just one of many make-believe games Nana and I played together. In our enchanted world, such as that imaginary house made of tape, I had a sanctuary in which to dream. I had a safe place to be anything I could imagine, and I loved it.
This is where my childhood nickname, Sparkles, originated. I admit that’s a horrendously embarrassing nickname. But it was oddly accurate. I wanted to sparkle, to shine, to be beautiful, and to be seen. Don’t we all?
Nana and I often switched roles when we played make-believe. Sometimes she pretended to be the child so I could be the grandma. Other times she was the customer so I could be the chef. This time, though, she was the patient and I was the nurse.
“Knock, knock,” she said. I reached out my arm and acted as if I were opening a door, welcoming her into my clinic. She extended her leg dramatically as she moved through the doorway—the gap in the tape. I knew what was coming.
“Big step!” we said together.
“Big step” was our thing, our own little tradition. Nana encouraged me when I was a toddler simply by coming alongside me, taking my hand, and showing me how to take a big step. The big step became part of nearly every game we played together. We didn’t do anything without taking big, fearless steps. Together we’d each peel our toes off the floor, simultaneously stretch out our right legs, and say, “Big step!”
As our toes hit a new place on the floor ahead of us, we celebrated, often dancing to a silly tune Nana made up on the spot. Other times we’d give each other a high five, and sometimes, when Mom wasn’t looking, Nana would sneak me some of my favorite candy, gummy bears, as if to say, Well done, little one.
Big step.
Even into my adolescent years, sweet Nana whispered that phrase whenever I felt afraid, unsure, or insecure. When I was nervous about playing the part of an Oompa Loompa in the middle school play Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, she slipped her weathered hand into mine, which had been painted orange, and gave me a wink as if to remind me: big step.
Before I ever really understood the depth of what she was teaching me, Nana dared me to dream, to be bold in pursuing the ground God lays right before me, and to take fearless steps with purpose before I figured anything else out.
One big step. That’s all it took to give me the courage and boldness to step out a little farther and walk a little taller as a young girl. I still believe that’s all it takes for you and me—one big step. At first glance this idea might seem cliché—silly, even. But I think we often forget that every big step in life is really just a series of tiny movements and small decisions that add up, becoming the very thing that allows us to move from living in insecurity to living out our destiny.
One Last Big Step
Several years later, Nana got really sick. She’d been ill for a while when I found her one Tuesday afternoon banging her hands violently on a wall, lost and confused and trying to escape her nursing home—the place that kept her safe. Turns out you really can’t walk through walls, even if you want to. I wrapped my arms around her to calm her, but she didn’t recognize me. A nurse came to the rescue. I gulped, and with a lump in my throat, I fought back tears. Nana had always been a safe place for me when I felt afraid as a little girl. But now, when I tried to be a safe place for her, when I tried to wrap her in a protective embrace and be her refuge when she felt afraid, she didn’t know me.
As Nana would say, Oh my stars.
We finally calmed Nana and got her seated. Alzheimer’s was winning the battle for her mind, and somehow it was managing to break my spirit too. Then the nurse handed me a plastic cup of peaches and asked whether I’d like to help feed my grandmother.
Seriously? No, I don’t want to feed her. She’s supposed to feed me! I wanted to respond.
But I didn’t say anything. I kindly accepted the plastic cup of preserved fruit and asked Nana to open her mouth, just as she had asked me to do many years ago. My mind was swirling. Is this real life? What is happening? What do you do when one of your very best friends, one of your childhood heroes, the one who pretended to be sick and broken so you could pretend to nurse her back to health, becomes truly sick and broken? How do you handle it when the roles you played in that imaginary house of tape become reality? How do you cope with the disappointment when you hope she’ll recognize your face but she doesn’t?
I didn’t know. My seventeen-year-old heart didn’t have a clue. I searched every square inch of myself and came up without an answer worth more than that old roll of tape. Maybe you know how it is with brokenness like this. The kind we can’t seem to control—the downward spiral of shame, sickness, or pain.
We stare into cups of peaches, searching for answers, hoping for a break from the breaking, wishing that somehow the damage will be reversed, and wondering where on God’s green earth that light at the end of the tunnel is.
About a year later, I had just settled in for my first year at Indiana University when Mom called to tell me Nana had taken a turn for the worse. She didn’t have much time left, and it was time to say goodbye.
Goodbye—a send-off, a word used when parting ways. How is it that the word we use when ending a phone call is the same one we whisper when we’re about to be separated from someone who’s slipping into eternity—a separation marked by the reality that we won’t be able to just call each other back? When we’re about to be divided by walls we can’t leave a gap in, as we could with tape on the floor? Nana was about to take a big step into eternity, but this time I couldn’t hold her hand the whole way.
I packed a bag, locked my college dorm room, hopped into the car Nana had passed down to me, and cried mascara-filled tears onto the steering wheel as I raced home. Somehow I managed to drive despite my blurred vision.
When I arrived at the nursing home, I found my mom sitting by Nana’s side. I plopped down next to her and leaned over to kiss the pale skin on Nana’s forehead, knowing this would be the last time. Within a few hours Nana took that big step into eternity, leaving the rest of us behind. The heart that had given so much light and love to my own young heart had no beats left. Mom’s eyes filled with tears as I hugged her tight.
She squeezed back as if to wring the sadness out of both of us. Bearing burdens is just like that—leaning in, letting someone else’s pain seep from her heart into ours. It means becoming a shelter for someone, often when our own heart is barely beating. But there’s comfort in that. A purpose in it.
Purpose. There’s profound purpose in simply meeting other people right where they are, in stepping into, not away from, their struggles and sharing them. Sometimes we can be so quick to offer consoling words and dry someone else’s tears, when really the best thing we can do is let the tears flow and even absorb them. Bearing burdens doesn’t mean fixing them. It means not allowing the other person to bear the load alone.
We sat there, Mom and I, waterworks and all. I wanted nothing more than to find a roll of masking tape and wrap it around my heart to keep it from falling apart. And maybe that’s what I began to do. Maybe that’s what we all do sometimes.
The Walls Were Only Make-Believe
When all the visiting, sharing, laughter, and tears surrounding Nana’s funeral ended, I traveled back to campus and attempted to make the transition to college life and learn all that comes with adulting for the first time. That’s a challenge in and of itself.
In the middle of an awkward transitional season, losing Nana added a curveball I wasn’t prepared for. So I spent the subsequent months trying to wrap my life in the things I thought would hold me together, in what I thought would keep me strong and secure when I felt as though I were falling apart. Academic accomplishments. A boyfriend. Leadership positions and résumé boosters. The whole nine yards.
It was like a strategy to distract myself from mourning. I thought if I filled my life with enough good things, covering up the internal feelings of insecurity with external Band-Aids, perhaps the sadness would somehow go away. I reasoned that the image I built up on the outside would somehow make me all better inside.
Over time I became the girl who kept up with the crowd on Friday night and still aced a test at eight o’clock on Monday morning, all while juggling eight billion extracurricular activities, clocking in at a part-time job, and training for a half marathon. I mean, why not?
You know, I used to hear the word labels and immediately think of negative things. Except when I look back at that season, it’s obvious that reputation management and image maintenance are nothing more than sticking a bunch of labels and titles on ourselves that we assume others will perceive as positive. Labels such as “the smart girl” or “the put-together girl” or “the grad student” can give a sense of confidence because of how others perceive us. However, they also create pressure to live up to the perceived expectations that come with those labels. If you’re “the smart girl,” you’d better not get a B on that test. If you’re “the fit girl,” you’d better not eat that cake. Whatever the word or label is, trying to live up to what we believe that ought to look like creates a lot of pressure. Of course, I didn’t know that at that time. I thought looking strong meant being strong (spoiler alert: that’s not always true).
Those labels I lived behind were like those lines of tape I played inside as a little girl. Behind them I could hide from the world and keep my insecurities a secret.
But those tape walls had never really kept me safe. They were just tape. They were only make-believe, after all. And perhaps the same is true for labels we live behind and boxes we get stuck inside. Maybe they’re just made up in our own minds.
Table of Contents
Introduction: Your Brokenness Is Welcome Here 1
Part 1 Where Do I Start?
1 You Can't Walt Through Walls 11
2 What Are You Really After? 23
3 Breakthrough Begins with You 33
Part 2 Getting Unstuck
4 Overcoming Impostor Syndrome with Intentional Action Steps 51
5 Overcoming Disappointment with a Different Perspective 71
6 Overcoming Shame by Sharing 91
7 Overcoming Comparison with Compassion and Communication 113
8 Overcoming Perfectionism by Prioritizing 135
9 Overcoming Distraction with Discipline 149
Part 3 What to Do Now
10 Focus on Who You Are, Not What You Do 165
11 Redefine Success 173
12 Let It Go, Girl 183
13 Get Out of Your Own Way 193
14 Stop Waiting, Start Living 205
Acknowledgments 221
Notes 225
Reading Group Guide
PART 1: WHERE DO I START?
CHAPTER 1: YOU CAN’T WALK THROUGH WALLS
The takeaways: In Chapter 1, you read about Jordan’s response when she faced the loss ofher grandmother in the midst of a transitional season of life. Adjusting to college was already achallenge, but losing someone so special only made the transition more difficult, and it seemedto steal her confidence.
She shared that her natural response was to reach for things that she thought would make herfeel complete and more confident. She stated, “I reasoned that if I could cover up the internalfeelings [sadness, insecurity, etc.] with band-aids, they’d go away.” She painted us a picture toshow how her default response to difficulties she’d rather not deal with is to cover up any ounceof insecurity with image maintenance. Don’t we all do that? Wouldn’t we prefer to project animage to the world that boasts strength, success, wit, and well-being? We don’t want to be seenas weak, lost, or insecure women.
The problem: When life feels uncertain, insecure, or just flat out difficult, we can dangerouslybegin to compensate for a lack of confidence by doing what we can to hold ourselves togetheror create a perceived image that doesn’t actually exist. We can begin to build walls around ourhearts, and as a result we fail to leave a gap or a door to get outside of ourselves and let othersin. This creates isolation, which only leads to further insecurity, and that inevitably holds us backfrom stepping into our destiny.
The discussion question: Which part of the story Jordan shared stood out to you most? Haveyou ever, whether subconsciously or consciously, turned to your achievements or to theadmiration of others to make you feel worthy, whole, or confident during a difficult season? What is your natural response when you find yourself feeling insecure in a new environment orstuck in sadness? Share an example of when this has happened in your own life.Once you identify the ways that you may do what Jordan highlighted she did in the first chapter,consider which big step you’re avoiding because you’re hiding behind imaginary walls ofput-togetherness. Do you need to take a step to have a hard conversation, seek outprofessional help, or something else? How can you resolve to take one big step today, out ofthe make believe walls or labels you live behind? If you’re in a group or book club, pick apartner. Hold one another accountable to taking your respective big steps this week.
CHAPTER 2:
WHAT ARE YOU REALLY AFTER?
The takeaways: In Chapter 2, Jordan shared about her desire to fit in more than anything elsein the world. She pointed out that although we often think being needed will give us a sense ofpurpose, being wanted for who we are and not just for what we can bring to the table is whatreally what gives us a sense of worth and significance.
Additionally, Jordan shared that our deepest desires can reveal our deepest insecurities. Whenall she wanted was to fit in, if she looked a little closer at where that desire was coming from, itwas from a belief that she didn’t have inherent worth and that only a certain status or socialcircle could bring that confidence. She pointed out that there is.
While it’s normal to desire to fit in, we are really made for friendship. What we are made to dobegins and is supported by authentic relationship—not with recognition. Lastly, Jordan remindedus that the biggest steps are not necessarily the ones that appear big, impressive, or noticeable.They are often the smallish steps we resolve to take before we even quite understand why orwhere we’re being led.
The problem: Our desire to fit in, or to have a place to belong, is not a bad desire. However,sometimes we can mistakenly begin to exchange our need for relationship by striving forrecognition. When what begins as a noble desire begins to rule you, that means that the resultor outcome is what you believe will complete you. That is a lie. No house, no guy, no car, nosocial circle, no job...nothing outside of you and who God made you to be can complete you.
The discussion questions: Take inventory of your deepest desires and greatest wants. Whileour desires are generally for good things (a house, a family, friends, etc.), take a moment toconsider how the things you want most might also reveal the places you feel most insecure.What are those desires in your life?
How do those highlight some possible hidden insecurities inyour heart?
Have you ever tried to look or act a certain way to fit in somewhere or with someone? How haveyou been untrue to yourself just to earn a desired spot in your company, a social circle, orsomething else?
What expectations do you perceive others have of you? How do you get distracted from whoyou’re made to be because you’re so focused on who you think you’re supposed to be? How have you prioritized fitting in or keeping up with the Jones’ over friendship and simplycoming alongside someone in your life? Go for a walk down memory lane and remind yourself of what truly matters.
How have you seena small step, or something seemingly insignificant, become the birthplace of big growth? Do youbelieve that can happen again in your life?
CHAPTER 3:
BREAKTHROUGH BEGINS WITH YOU
The takeaways: In Chapter 3, Jordan shared about her struggle with cystic acne, and what shelearned about it, to illustrate a deeper lesson she learned about handling insecurities from theinside out (instead of simply covering them up). We must start on the inside and learn to own upto and take responsibility for our insecurities, instead of letting them own and control us.
The discussion questions: What insecurities do you battle on a regular basis?
How do you handle those flaws or insecurities? Do you tend to cover them up, as Jordan sharedshe has done, or do you try to identify the root problem and tackle it at the source?
What is one thing that you need to see breakthrough in this week? If you’re with a group, alloweach person to share their answer and have the person to their left lift them up by speakingwords of encouragement and prayer. Hold one another accountable to address and workthrough that thing this week.
PART 2: GETTING UNSTUCK
CHAPTER 4: OVERCOMING IMPOSTOR SYNDROME WITH INTENTIONAL ACTION STEPS
The takeaways: In Chapter 4, Jordan tackled the feeling of impostor syndrome by sharing herown experience with it as she just began to “try stuff,” as her mom suggested during her collegeyears. Her “just trying stuff,” one little step at a time, led to so much more than she couldpossibly imagine. In this chapter, she outlines key reasons we fail to dream outside the box andtry new things. Then, she follows those reasons up with solutions, such as preparing for failureand learning how to take incremental, implementable, imperfect action.
The problem: The fear of embarrassment, being seen starting small, other people’s opinions,our tendency to live in boxes, all paired with the pressure to prove creates impostorsyndrome...which more often than not, holds us back from what we’re made to do.
The discussion questions: How are you experiencing impostor syndrome right now? How is itholding you back from stepping out and trying something outside of your comfort zone?
Of the reasons Jordan shared that we don’t “try stuff” or “dream outside the box,” which resonates with you most? Why?
Which of the suggestions for overcoming impostor syndrome that Jordan offered in this chapterdo you struggle with most? Which do you feel you need to implement or be more intentionalwith?
CHAPTER 5:
OVERCOMING DISAPPOINTMENT WITH A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE
The takeaways: In Chapter 5, Jordan shared a story about when she and Matt's dreams totallycrumbled, without a backup plan in place. Using this story, she highlighted how often we can putour entire purpose into our plans or positions we’re chasing after. When that plan doesn't workout, it can be devastating. She shared a few lessons that she and her husband had to learn inthat season of shattered dreams and massive disappointment, such as the importance ofadopting an attitude of gratitude, an important mindset shift, why it is so critical to get over the“platform,” and that FOMO (the fear of missing out) is fake.
The problem: When we approach disappointment or unmet expectations with a victimmentality, we run the risk of being sidelined by that setback. Focusing on what we think we’remissing out causes us to miss out on where we are.
The discussion questions: Have you faced a big disappointment when it comes to yourhopes, dreams, or ambitions recently? What happened and how did you respond?
Which of the hard lessons Jordan and Matt had to learn resonated with you most and why?
Do you struggle with FOMO? Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on your dreams or likeyou missed your one big opportunity? How so?
How will you shift your mindset on this going forward?
CHAPTER 6: OVERCOMING SHAME BY SHARING
The takeaways: In Chapter 6, Jordan shared about a time in her life that body image andshame led her to make some really unhealthy choices. She found that when she finally openedup and began talking about the struggles and behaviors she had struggled with a trusted friend,she began to feel the shame lift—and it strengthened their friendship, too. Sharing the not sopretty parts of our story can be so powerful. She closed this chapter out by offering sometangible advice for anyone who might be struggling with body image or stuck in a place wherethey feel so obsessed with achieving a certain goal that the goal has began to own them. A fewof these include asking for help, finding healthy community, and setting both goals ANDboundaries on those goals.
The Problems: Seeing ourselves through a lens of shame (I’m too fat, I’m not qualified, I’m toobroken, etc.) causes us to see a distorted view of ourselves and the truth. If we don’t open up,shame can hold us back from the connection we are created for. Additionally, in our efforts tohold onto our pride, we can get stuck in patterns of performance that we believe help us hidethe skeletons in our closet. As a result, we can end up hurting ourselves.
The discussion questions: Have you ever struggled with body image or unhealthy behaviorsto achieve a certain goal? What was that like?
Have you ever felt ashamed of yourself? Of your body, of your choices, or something that happened to you? Have you ever become so obsessed with a goal that achieving that goal took over your whole life?
What was that like? What is a goal you are working toward now, and what boundaries might be able to put on it sothat you can remain focused and work toward it in a healthy way, without becoming totallyobsessed?
Okay, now for the most important question. This is a safe place. Is there anything you need totalk about or open up about? If you’re in a group setting, allow each member of the group achance to share, and encourage each member of the group to then respond with a prayer, wordof encouragement, story of their own, or piece of advice.
CHAPTER 7: OVERCOMING COMPARISON WITH COMPASSION
The takeaways: In Chapter 7, Jordan dove into the barrier of comparison. Highlighting a fewexamples of when she has personally gotten stuck in comparison, Jordan observed three types:we compare our successes to others, we compare ourselves to some expected version ofourselves, and we compare our struggles. Then, she pointed out that community,communication, and compassion (for others and for ourselves) are key to getting out of thecomparison trap when we fall into it. She offered some specific ways to do own OUR everyday(not hers or theirs). Some of these suggestions include cheering on our “competition” (and evenletting them win our made up competitions!), leaning in to get to know those we envy orcompare ourselves to most, and the importance of pausing long enough to remember why weare even doing something in the first place.
The Problems: Insecurities, expectations, and the pressure to prove ourselves often createsthese imaginary competitions in our minds because of our innate need to come out on top. Thisis much like running on a treadmill — exhausting but without forward motion. We cannotachieve our goals, do what we’re made to do, or make this world a better place if we areconstantly focused on the position we come in our imaginary races.
The discussion questions: Which of the three types of comparison do you find yourself inmost? How do you respond when thoughts of comparison creep up?
How have you experienced comparison holding you back from actually showing up for what youoriginally set out to do, whether it was a business goal or project, a workout, using social media,or something else?
What is one way you can take Jordan’s advice into action this week? In other words, how couldyou cheer someone else on? Who do you need to let win?
If you’re in a group, have each member write down a resolution as to how they will putcompassion and communication into action this week and then pair up. Pairs, hold one anotheraccountable each day for the next seven days. Report what you learned and how it helped youblock out comparison back to the group in the beginning of next week’s meeting.
CHAPTER 8: OVERCOMING PERFECTIONISM BY PRIORITIZING
The takeaways: In Chapter 8, Jordan invited us into a conversation around the kitchen tablewith her friends to hash out all the ways we struggle with perfectionism. We looked at howperfectionism can become a barrier to living out our God-given purpose as women, and stepswe can take to choose purpose over perfectionism. Those steps include actively putting ourpriorities into action rather than just merely saying them, honestly identifying and eliminating thethings that drive perfectionism in our lives, and evaluating how we might be procrastinating,including having a friend help hold us accountable to set and complete a goal withoutprocrastinating any longer.
The problems: Perfectionism warps our view of love because it makes it about performance.To the perfectionist, love no longer becomes a safe place and is not seen as something to freelyreceive but instead as something that must be earned. Those struggling with perfectionism arefocused on success, but even more than that, they are focused on avoiding failure . The biggest issue with perfectionism is that it’s rooted in our egos and our pride, which forces us to make lifeall about ourselves, focusing on how we can perform and how we are perceived rather than onthe purpose we can serve right where we are (even if imperfectly).
The discussion questions: What are you a perfectionist about? Of the three problems outlined in this chapter, which do you resonate with? Do you find that youstruggle to believe you are loved as you are and need to perform a certain way to earn lovefrom God or others? Or, do you notice that you really strive for perfection because you’re aimingat avoiding failure? What have those tendencies looked like in your life? What is one way you can be more present this week? How have you procrastinated on something that has been on your heart recently? What’s onegoal you can set? Who you can ask to hold you accountable to see that through?
CHAPTER 9: OVERCOMING DISTRACTION WITH DISCIPLINE
The takeaways: In Chapter 9, Jordan really tackled the distractions we often face in our dailylives, especially when we are overwhelmed by indecision. She pointed out that perhaps we canfeel overwhelmed when we think of what we are made to do because there are so manyoptions, so many voices shouting at us, and so many shiny things catching our attention.Perhaps we don’t always get stuck due to a lack of opportunities but instead we get stuckbecause of an endless list of options, paired with the fear of making the wrong decision orpicking the wrong thing. This inevitably leads to distraction. Distraction takes our eyes off ofwhat really matters most, where we’re headed, and who we need to be. So, in this chapter,Jordan offered a few really practical and effective tools, or strategies, to help us be moredisciplined and intentional with the decisions we make on a daily basis.
The problem: Distractions are often a default when we’re faced with uncertainty or feeling alack of direction. At first, one more minute of scrolling on social media or one more of somethingelse may not seem to cause much damage. However, those “one mores” add up quickly andcan actually cause quite a bit of damage to both our daily disciplines, and ultimately, our dreamsand bigger destiny. If we lack discipline, we cannot even kind of do what we’re made to do.Distractions ultimately make us passive, which robs our passion and kills our purpose.
The discussion questions: Jordan mentioned default distractions, or things we naturally turnto when life feels overwhelming or we seem to lack direction. What are a few of your defaults?
When are you most likely to feel overwhelmed? What is your natural response in those seasonof being overwhelmed? Do you make a plan and take action, or do you tend to end up a littledistracted with mindless entertainment, comfort food, or some other distraction?
How have you felt the damage that distraction causes? How has it affected your confidence,direction, and willingness to make a decision and take a step toward what God has put on yourheart to do in this season? In addition to defaults, Jordan mentioned having a list of directives to help you be more focusedon who you’re made to be and weigh each decision against it. What would your list look like?
Are you trying to make a bigger choice or decision about something in your life? Put the10-10-10 analysis to work on this decision. What do you find?
PART 3: WHAT TO DO NOW
CHAPTER 10: FOCUS ON WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHAT YOU DO
The takeaways: In Chapter 10, Jordan shared that the key to breaking the barriers thatinsecurity (which inevitably leads to expectations and the pressure to prove) builds is identity.Knowing who you are regardless of what you do or achieve is when insecurity and the pressureto prove lose their power in your life. The main point in this chapter is that you cannot do whatyou're made to do unless you know who you are. Finding yourself won’t happen when you figureout your thing or achieve your dream. Knowing who you are is key to doing your thing andachieving your dreams. We must get this in the right order!
The problem: So often, we think that once we figure out what we're passionate about, find ourpurpose, or prove ourselves, we'll be more confident or “find ourselves.” We mistakenly allowour status, circumstances, or level of influence to be the places we put our identity, only to endup disappointed. We tend to look for purpose outside of ourselves in what we can do, withoutfirst looking inside of ourselves, remembering who God says we already are.
The discussion questions: Have you ever felt the pressure to live up to a perceivedexpectation you believe the world puts on you as a woman? Do you feel unconfident, insecure,or as though you're lacking in purpose when you're unable to live up to that expectation? Shareabout a time that you felt this way, or if you're currently feeling this way.What about this chapter is difficult for you to believe or embrace for yourself? When someone asIf you're in a group setting, take a few moments to have each person in the circle affirm oneperson at a time. For example, if there are four of you, three of you should speak one identitybased affirmation over one person. Do this for each person until all four of you have beenaffirmed by each other.Another fun option: Have one person stand in the middle with the others circled around her.Everyone else has a pad of post it notes and a pen. They write encouragements, affirmations,verses, good qualities she has, etc. and stick the notes to her. Do this for a set amount of time,then switch to another person in the middle. At the end, you can keep your post it notes forreaffirmation later. :)
CHAPTER 11: REDEFINE SUCCESS
The takeaways: Chapter 11 tackles the idea of success. In this short but challenging chapter,Jordan dares us to redefine how we view success — to break it down from being this big, “outthere” thing to being a simple, attainable, everyday thing. Perhaps the key takeaway from thischapter is to not only define success on a macro level (the big milestones, dreams, or goals) butalso on a micro level by defining your “micro-success factors,” as Jordan calls them.
The problems: While there is nothing wrong with pursuing bigger success andaccomplishments, we can begin overlook the simple opportunities to be successful andintentional on a daily basis.
The discussion questions: How do you define success on a macro level? What are those big dreams, ideas, or goals onyour heart? Speak them and write them down!
Now, before the pressure to go after them immediately sets in, how do you define success on amicro level? What are 3-5 micro success factors that would make each day a success if youachieved them by the time you went to bed? Speak these and write them down!
In a week, do a check in. If you’re with a group, partner with someone else and hold oneanother accountable for focusing on and achieving the 3-5 micro success factors you haveidentified for yourself each day and then report back to the group how well you stuck to those ona daily basis the next time you meet. This is so critical because you must be able to consistentlyfollow through and show up for those small, everyday things before you can really embrace theseemingly extraordinary, bigger things. Train yourself (and help each other) to do this!
What is one way you can bring heaven to earth today? Tomorrow at work? This week at home? Say it out loud and write down how you resolve to put this into action this week. Activelycommitting to this can prove to be effective in removing the pressure we often feel to do it all orlive up to expectations.
CHAPTER 12: LET IT GO, GIRL
The takeaways: In Chapter 12, Jordan really focused on the need to let go of both the bigburdens and the little lingering comforts or senses of control we have if we really want toflourish. She shared about how a heart-to-heart with a friend opened her up to start thinkingabout certain things she’s unknowingly held onto, and she invited us to do the same. Why? Because no matter how big or small the things we cling to are, the truth is that we cannot holdonto 1% of our guilt, struggles, or comforts and expect to live the life we’re made for. Lastly, Jordan reminded us to take the necessary steps toward freedom. While she believes that it’spossible for God to change our lives in an instant, it’s also true that not everything is overcomeovernight. When there is something in our life that we cannot let go of on our own, seeking helpis strong, courageous, and purposeful. It doesn't have to happen overnight. Just do what it takesto slowly but surely let it go, girl.
The problems: Too often, we hold onto things that actually hold us back from living the life weare made for. This stifles our growth and harms our potential.
The discussion questions: What lifeless thing are you holding on to? What do you need torelease? An unhealthy habit? An old flame you keep going back to against your betterjudgment? A grudge you’ve been carrying? Unmet expectations? Something else?
What is one step you can take this week toward letting go of that thing in your life?
Pair up with an friend this week and hold one another accountable to taking the step you eachresolved to take toward letting go. Whether that's as simple as blocking that guy's number,choosing not to purchase comfort food at the grocery store, apologizing to that person you liedto, or scheduling an appointment with a counselor, all steps (even the smallest ones) are stepstoward the freedom and growth you’re made for. Help each other take them.
CHAPTER 13: GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
The takeaways: In Chapter 13, Jordan really tackles that pressure we feel to prove ourselves.More specifically, she really zeroes in on the pressure we often feel to strike gold on our first try,which, therefore, often holds us back from trying at all. Then, she offers simple strategies to helpbreak the pressure to prove. Some of these include removing and/or retreating from highpressure influences, looking for everyday opportunities before extraordinary ones, and shiftingour perspective from “How can I find my purpose?” to, “How can I bring heaven to earth today?”
The problems: When we feel the pressure to prove, we begin to believe we must strike gold onour first try at chasing our dreams or goals. When we don’t get the result we wanted, we oftenprefer to give up or avoid trying again, rather than seeing the lesson we actually needed.
The discussion questions:Do you ever feel the pressure to strike gold on your first try? Whether it’s your first try at a sidehustle, your first try at leading a small group or book club, or your first time working a new job?
How did this chapter challenge you? What is one action step or change you want to implementwith this new perspective?
Are there external sources of pressure in your life? Whether it’s a parent, in-law, boss, client, orsomeone else? How might you be able to drown out those voices in your life? Think of an actionstep (or ask a friend or the group you’re with!) to help you come up with a simple solution toperhaps slightly retreat from those influences (even if you can’t cut them out completely) so youcan refocus on what you need / want to do!
If you’re in a group, ask each person how the group can support them in a new endeavor,season, or experience they are stepping into. Be intentional to find ways to become that“positive voice” to help balance out any of those “pressure voices” each member may have intheir lives.
CHAPTER 14: STOP WAITING, START LIVING
The takeaways: In this final chapter, Jordan really addressed the feeling of being stuck in a“perpetual season of waiting,” and offered some wisdom, advice, and action steps for handlingthat feeling. This chapter closes the book with a declaration meant to serve as a life mantra, anencouragement to stop waiting for some magical day when you hit that milestone or reach thatgoal, and instead, start showing up and living where you are, with what you have, before youfigure it all out.
The problems: When we focus on what we are waiting for, we end up wasting the days wehave. No wonder we feel so stuck!
The discussion questions: How do you identify with the stories and examples shared in thischapter? Do you feel stuck in a season of perpetual waiting, or are you in a season of growthand change?
What is your response to setbacks or long seasons in life? Do you celebrate the growth andprogress, even if it feels like steps backwards, or do you get stuck in your own head? How do you plan to handle seasons where you feel like you’re “waiting” going forward?
Look at the Anthem for the Woman of Purpose . How do you resolve to take one step to reallyown your everyday today? This week? This month? This year?
O W N Y O U R
E V E R Y D A Y
summer book club
# O Y E B O O K C L U B
J O R D A N L E E D O O L E Y ' S
OWN YOUR EVERYDAY BOOK CLUB
A note from Jordan Lee Dooley
Giiiiirl. Girl. GIRL.
I am SO stinkin’ proud of you!
Why? Because by downloading this guide, you’re telling me you’re ready for MORE. You’re ready to dive even deeper. To not merely consume the #OYE material but to dig into it, share it with friends, and even build community around it.
And that, sister friend, is a bold move. It may seem small but as I share in the book, small steps are really the big things.
Here’s the deal: I don’t want this guide or this book (or anything I do) to only be inspiring. I’ve designed it to be transformational and activating. I want to help you get results. Growth.
Improvement. Courage. And support. This guide paired with the book will help you do just that.
Just to reiterate, you can use this as a guide to our live calls every Monday on IG/FB and respond to the Q’s on your own/in a journal AND you can also use it as a discussion guide with a smaller group.
Go out on a limb here. Invite some girls over for sips and small bites, throw on some good music, open the windows (if you’re doing this in the summer or are luckier than me and live in a state that’s warm all year around), and dive into this week by week, page by page. Dare each other to dream, take risks, and support one another as you show up for your lives.
And hey, if your girls are busy or they decide to be party poopers, you can totally go through this on your own and show up for my weekly live book club calls with the bigger group on IG &
Facebook. The goal is simply that you do it, that you stick to it, and that you GROW — starting where you are with what you have.
You ready? Let’s do this.
x
JLD
PS. Snap a photo when you tune into the live calls or during your small group meetings, post it on your story or IG feed, and use the hashtag #OYEbookclub to connect with others in team
OYE.
PART 1: WHERE DO I START?
CHAPTER 1: YOU CAN’T WALK THROUGH WALLS
The takeaways: In Chapter 1, you read about Jordan’s response when she faced the loss of her grandmother in the midst of a transitional season of life. Adjusting to college was already a challenge, but losing someone so special only made the transition more difficult, and it seemed to steal her confidence.
She shared that her natural response was to reach for things that she thought would make her feel complete and more confident. She stated, “I reasoned that if I could cover up the internal feelings [sadness, insecurity, etc.] with band-aids, they’d go away.” She painted us a picture to show how her default response to difficulties she’d rather not deal with is to cover up any ounce of insecurity with image maintenance. Don’t we all do that? Wouldn’t we prefer to project an image to the world that boasts strength, success, wit, and well-being? We don’t want to be seen as weak, lost, or insecure women.
The problem: When life feels uncertain, insecure, or just flat out difficult, we can dangerously begin to compensate for a lack of confidence by doing what we can to hold ourselves together or create a perceived image that doesn’t actually exist. We can begin to build walls around our hearts, and as a result we fail to leave a gap or a door to get outside of ourselves and let others in. This creates isolation, which only leads to further insecurity, and that inevitably holds us back from stepping into our destiny.
The discussion question: Which part of the story Jordan shared stood out to you most? Have you ever, whether subconsciously or consciously, turned to your achievements or to the admiration of others to make you feel worthy, whole, or confident during a difficult season?
What is your natural response when you find yourself feeling insecure in a new environment or stuck in sadness? Share an example of when this has happened in your own life.
Once you identify the ways that you may do what Jordan highlighted she did in the first chapter,
consider which big step you’re avoiding because you’re hiding behind imaginary walls of put-togetherness. Do you need to take a step to have a hard conversation, seek out professional help, or something else? How can you resolve to take one big step today, out of the make believe walls or labels you live behind? If you’re in a group or book club, pick a partner. Hold one another accountable to taking your respective big steps this week.
CHAPTER 2: WHAT ARE YOU R EALLY AFTER?
The takeaways: In Chapter 2, Jordan shared about her desire to fit in more than anything else in the world. She pointed out that although we often think being needed will give us a sense of purpose, being wanted for who we are and not just for what we can bring to the table is what really what gives us a sense of worth and significance.
Additionally, Jordan shared that our deepest desires can reveal our deepest insecurities. When all she wanted was to fit in, if she looked a little closer at where that desire was coming from, it was from a belief that she didn’t have inherent worth and that only a certain status or social circle could bring that confidence. She pointed out that there is
While it’s normal to desire to fit in, we are really made for friendship. What we are made to do begins and is supported by authentic relationship—not with recognition. Lastly, Jordan reminded us that the biggest steps are not necessarily the ones that appear big, impressive, or noticeable.
They are often the smallish steps we resolve to take before we even quite understand why or where we’re being led.
The problem: Our desire to fit in, or to have a place to belong, is not a bad desire. However,
sometimes we can mistakenly begin to exchange our need for relationship by striving for recognition. When what begins as a noble desire begins to rule you, that means that the result or outcome is what you believe will complete you. That is a lie. No house, no guy, no car, no social circle, no job...nothing outside of you and who God made you to be can complete you.
The discussion questions: Take inventory of your deepest desires and greatest wants. While our desires are generally for good things (a house, a family, friends, etc.), take a moment to consider how the things you want most might also reveal the places you feel most insecure.
What are those desires in your life? How do those highlight some possible hidden insecurities in your heart?
Have you ever tried to look or act a certain way to fit in somewhere or with someone? How have you been untrue to yourself just to earn a desired spot in your company, a social circle, or something else?
What expectations do you perceive others have of you? How do you get distracted from who you’re made to be because you’re so focused on who you think you’re supposed to be?
How have you prioritized fitting in or keeping up with the Jones’ over friendship and simply coming alongside someone in your life?
Go for a walk down memory lane and remind yourself of what truly matters. How have you seen a small step, or something seemingly insignificant, become the birthplace of big growth? Do you believe that can happen again in your life?
CHAPTER 3: BREAKTHROUGH BEGINS WITH YOU
The takeaways: In Chapter 3, Jordan shared about her struggle with cystic acne, and what she learned about it, to illustrate a deeper lesson she learned about handling insecurities from the inside out (instead of simply covering them up). We must start on the inside and learn to own up to and take responsibility for our insecurities, instead of letting them own and control us.
The problem: When we feel insecure, we
The discussion questions: What insecurities do you battle on a regular basis?
How do you handle those flaws or insecurities? Do you tend to cover them up, as Jordan shared she has done, or do you try to identify the root problem and tackle it at the source?
What is one thing that you need to see breakthrough in this week? If you’re with a group, allow each person to share their answer and have the person to their left lift them up by speaking words of encouragement and prayer. Hold one another accountable to address and work through that thing this week.
PART 2: GETTING UNSTUCK
CHAPTER 4: OVERCOMING IMPOSTOR SYNDROME WITH INTENTIONAL ACTION STEPS
The takeaways: In Chapter 4, Jordan tackled the feeling of impostor syndrome by sharing her own experience with it as she just began to “try stuff,” as her mom suggested during her college years. Her “just trying stuff,” one little step at a time, led to so much more than she could possibly imagine. In this chapter, she outlines key reasons we fail to dream outside the box and try new things. Then, she follows those reasons up with solutions, such as preparing for failure and learning how to take incremental, implementable, imperfect action.
The problem: The fear of embarrassment, being seen starting small, other people’s opinions,
our tendency to live in boxes, all paired with the pressure to prove creates impostor syndrome...which more often than not, holds us back from what we’re made to do.
The discussion questions: How are you experiencing impostor syndrome right now? How is it holding you back from stepping out and trying something outside of your comfort zone?
Of the reasons Jordan shared that we don’t “try stuff” or “dream outside the box,” which resonates with you most? Why?
Which of the suggestions for overcoming impostor syndrome that Jordan offered in this chapter do you struggle with most? Which do you feel you need to implement or be more intentional with?
CHAPTER 5: OVERCOMING DISAPPOINTMENT WITH A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE
The takeaways: In Chapter 5, Jordan shared a story about when she and Matt's dreams totally crumbled, without a backup plan in place. Using this story, she highlighted how often we can put our entire purpose into our plans or positions we’re chasing after. When that plan doesn't work out, it can be devastating. She shared a few lessons that she and her husband had to learn in that season of shattered dreams and massive disappointment, such as the importance of adopting an attitude of gratitude, an important mindset shift, why it is so critical to get over the
“platform,” and that FOMO (the fear of missing out) is fake.
The problem: When we approach disappointment or unmet expectations with a victim mentality, we run the risk of being sidelined by that setback. Focusing on what we think we’re missing out causes us to miss out on where we are.
The discussion questions: Have you faced a big disappointment when it comes to your hopes, dreams, or ambitions recently? What happened and how did you respond?
Which of the hard lessons Jordan and Matt had to learn resonated with you most and why?
Do you struggle with FOMO? Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on your dreams or like you missed your one big opportunity? How so?
How will you shift your mindset on this going forward?
CHAPTER 6: OVERCOMING SHAME BY SHARING
The takeaways: In Chapter 6, Jordan shared about a time in her life that body image and shame led her to make some really unhealthy choices. She found that when she finally opened up and began talking about the struggles and behaviors she had struggled with a trusted friend,
she began to feel the shame lift—and it strengthened their friendship, too. Sharing the not so pretty parts of our story can be so powerful. She closed this chapter out by offering some tangible advice for anyone who might be struggling with body image or stuck in a place where they feel so obsessed with achieving a certain goal that the goal has began to own them. A few of these include asking for help, finding healthy community, and setting both goals AND
boundaries on those goals.
The Problems: Seeing ourselves through a lens of shame (I’m too fat, I’m not qualified, I’m too broken, etc.) causes us to see a distorted view of ourselves and the truth. If we don’t open up,
shame can hold us back from the connection we are created for. Additionally, in our efforts to hold onto our pride, we can get stuck in patterns of performance that we believe help us hide the skeletons in our closet. As a result, we can end up hurting ourselves.
The discussion questions: Have you ever struggled with body image or unhealthy behaviors to achieve a certain goal? What was that like?
Have you ever felt ashamed of yourself? Of your body, of your choices, or something that happened to you?
Have you ever become so obsessed with a goal that achieving that goal took over your whole life? What was that like?
What is a goal you are working toward now, and what boundaries might be able to put on it so that you can remain focused and work toward it in a healthy way, without becoming totally obsessed?
Okay, now for the most important question. This is a safe place. Is there anything you need to talk about or open up about? If you’re in a group setting, allow each member of the group a chance to share, and encourage each member of the group to then respond with a prayer, word of encouragement, story of their own, or piece of advice.
CHAPTER 7: OVERCOMING COMPARISON WITH COMPASSION
The takeaways: In Chapter 7, Jordan dove into the barrier of comparison. Highlighting a few examples of when she has personally gotten stuck in comparison, Jordan observed three types:
we compare our successes to others, we compare ourselves to some expected version of ourselves, and we compare our struggles. Then, she pointed out that community,
communication, and compassion (for others and for ourselves) are key to getting out of the comparison trap when we fall into it. She offered some specific ways to do own OUR everyday
(not hers or theirs). Some of these suggestions include cheering on our “competition” (and even letting them win our made up competitions!), leaning in to get to know those we envy or compare ourselves to most, and the importance of pausing long enough to remember why we are even doing something in the first place.
The Problems: Insecurities, expectations, and the pressure to prove ourselves often creates these imaginary competitions in our minds because of our innate need to come out on top. This is much like running on a treadmill — exhausting but without forward motion. We cannot achieve our goals, do what we’re made to do, or make this world a better place if we are constantly focused on the position we come in our imaginary races.
The discussion questions: Which of the three types of comparison do you find yourself in most? How do you respond when thoughts of comparison creep up?
How have you experienced comparison holding you back from actually showing up for what you originally set out to do, whether it was a business goal or project, a workout, using social media,
or something else?
What is one way you can take Jordan’s advice into action this week? In other words, how could you cheer someone else on? Who do you need to let win?
If you’re in a group, have each member write down a resolution as to how they will put compassion and communication into action this week and then pair up. Pairs, hold one another accountable each day for the next seven days. Report what you learned and how it helped you block out comparison back to the group in the beginning of next week’s meeting.
CHAPTER 8: OVERCOMING PERFECTIONISM BY PRIORITIZING
The takeaways: In Chapter 8, Jordan invited us into a conversation around the kitchen table with her friends to hash out all the ways we struggle with perfectionism. We looked at how perfectionism can become a barrier to living out our God-given purpose as women, and steps we can take to choose purpose over perfectionism. Those steps include actively putting our priorities into action rather than just merely saying them, honestly identifying and eliminating the things that drive perfectionism in our lives, and evaluating how we might be procrastinating,
including having a friend help hold us accountable to set and complete a goal without procrastinating any longer.
The problems: Perfectionism warps our view of love because it makes it about performance.
To the perfectionist, love no longer becomes a safe place and is not seen as something to freely receive but instead as something that must be earned. Those struggling with perfectionism are focused on success, but even more than that, they are focused on avoiding failure . The biggest issue with perfectionism is that it’s rooted in our egos and our pride, which forces us to make life all about ourselves, focusing on how we can perform and how we are perceived rather than on the purpose we can serve right where we are (even if imperfectly).
The discussion questions: What are you a perfectionist about?
Of the three problems outlined in this chapter, which do you resonate with? Do you find that you struggle to believe you are loved as you are and need to perform a certain way to earn love from God or others? Or, do you notice that you really strive for perfection because you’re aiming at avoiding failure? What have those tendencies looked like in your life?
What is one way you can be more present this week?
How have you procrastinated on something that has been on your heart recently? What’s one goal you can set? Who you can ask to hold you accountable to see that through?
CHAPTER 9: OVERCOMING DISTRACTION WITH DISCIPLINE
The takeaways: In Chapter 9, Jordan really tackled the distractions we often face in our daily lives, especially when we are overwhelmed by indecision. She pointed out that perhaps we can feel overwhelmed when we think of what we are made to do because there are so many options, so many voices shouting at us, and so many shiny things catching our attention.
Perhaps we don’t always get stuck due to a lack of opportunities but instead we get stuck because of an endless list of options, paired with the fear of making the wrong decision or picking the wrong thing. This inevitably leads to distraction. Distraction takes our eyes off of what really matters most, where we’re headed, and who we need to be. So, in this chapter,
Jordan offered a few really practical and effective tools, or strategies, to help us be more disciplined and intentional with the decisions we make on a daily basis.
The problem: Distractions are often a default when we’re faced with uncertainty or feeling a lack of direction. At first, one more minute of scrolling on social media or one more of something else may not seem to cause much damage. However, those “one mores” add up quickly and can actually cause quite a bit of damage to both our daily disciplines, and ultimately, our dreams and bigger destiny. If we lack discipline, we cannot even kind of do what we’re made to do.
Distractions ultimately make us passive, which robs our passion and kills our purpose.
The discussion questions: Jordan mentioned default distractions, or things we naturally turn to when life feels overwhelming or we seem to lack direction. What are a few of your defaults?
When are you most likely to feel overwhelmed? What is your natural response in those season of being overwhelmed? Do you make a plan and take action, or do you tend to end up a little distracted with mindless entertainment, comfort food, or some other distraction?
How have you felt the damage that distraction causes? How has it affected your confidence,
direction, and willingness to make a decision and take a step toward what God has put on your heart to do in this season?
In addition to defaults, Jordan mentioned having a list of directives to help you be more focused on who you’re made to be and weigh each decision against it. What would your list look like?
Are you trying to make a bigger choice or decision about something in your life? Put the
10-10-10 analysis to work on this decision. What do you find?
PART 3: WHAT TO DO NOW
CHAPTER 10: FOCUS ON WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHAT YOU DO
The takeaways: In Chapter 10, Jordan shared that the key to breaking the barriers that insecurity (which inevitably leads to expectations and the pressure to prove) builds is identity.
Knowing who you are regardless of what you do or achieve is when insecurity and the pressure to prove lose their power in your life. The main point in this chapter is that you cannot do what you're made to do unless you know who you are. Finding yourself won’t happen when you figure out your thing or achieve your dream. Knowing who you are is key to doing your thing and achieving your dreams. We must get this in the right order!
The problem: So often, we think that once we figure out what we're passionate about, find our purpose, or prove ourselves, we'll be more confident or “find ourselves.” We mistakenly allow our status, circumstances, or level of influence to be the places we put our identity, only to end up disappointed. We tend to look for purpose outside of ourselves in what we can do, without first looking inside of ourselves, remembering who God says we already are.
The discussion questions: Have you ever felt the pressure to live up to a perceived expectation you believe the world puts on you as a woman? Do you feel unconfident, insecure,
or as though you're lacking in purpose when you're unable to live up to that expectation? Share about a time that you felt this way, or if you're currently feeling this way.
What about this chapter is difficult for you to believe or embrace for yourself?
When someone as
If you're in a group setting, take a few moments to have each person in the circle affirm one person at a time. For example, if there are four of you, three of you should speak one identity based affirmation over one person. Do this for each person until all four of you have been affirmed by each other.
Another fun option: Have one person stand in the middle with the others circled around her.
Everyone else has a pad of post it notes and a pen. They write encouragements, affirmations,
verses, good qualities she has, etc. and stick the notes to her. Do this for a set amount of time,
then switch to another person in the middle. At the end, you can keep your post it notes for reaffirmation later. :)
CHAPTER 11: REDEFINE SUCCESS
The takeaways: Chapter 11 tackles the idea of success. In this short but challenging chapter,
Jordan dares us to redefine how we view success — to break it down from being this big, “out there” thing to being a simple, attainable, everyday thing. Perhaps the key takeaway from this chapter is to not only define success on a macro level (the big milestones, dreams, or goals) but also on a micro level by defining your “micro-success factors,” as Jordan calls them.
The problems: While there is nothing wrong with pursuing bigger success and accomplishments, we can begin overlook the simple opportunities to be successful and intentional on a daily basis.
The discussion questions:
How do you define success on a macro level? What are those big dreams, ideas, or goals on your heart? Speak them and write them down!
Now, before the pressure to go after them immediately sets in, how do you define success on a micro level? What are 3-5 micro success factors that would make each day a success if you achieved them by the time you went to bed? Speak these and write them down!
In a week, do a check in. If you’re with a group, partner with someone else and hold one another accountable for focusing on and achieving the 3-5 micro success factors you have identified for yourself each day and then report back to the group how well you stuck to those on a daily basis the next time you meet. This is so critical because you must be able to consistently follow through and show up for those small, everyday things before you can really embrace the seemingly extraordinary, bigger things. Train yourself (and help each other) to do this!
What is one way you can bring heaven to earth today? Tomorrow at work? This week at home?
Say it out loud and write down how you resolve to put this into action this week. Actively committing to this can prove to be effective in removing the pressure we often feel to do it all or live up to expectations.
CHAPTER 12: LET IT GO, GIRL
The takeaways: In Chapter 12, Jordan really focused on the need to let go of both the big burdens and the little lingering comforts or senses of control we have if we really want to flourish. She shared about how a heart-to-heart with a friend opened her up to start thinking about certain things she’s unknowingly held onto, and she invited us to do the same. Why?
Because no matter how big or small the things we cling to are, the truth is that we cannot hold onto 1% of our guilt, struggles, or comforts and expect to live the life we’re made for. Lastly,
Jordan reminded us to take the necessary steps toward freedom. While she believes that it’s possible for God to change our lives in an instant, it’s also true that not everything is overcome overnight. When there is something in our life that we cannot let go of on our own, seeking help is strong, courageous, and purposeful. It doesn't have to happen overnight. Just do what it takes to slowly but surely let it go, girl.
The problems: Too often, we hold onto things that actually hold us back from living the life we are made for. This stifles our growth and harms our potential.
The discussion questions: What lifeless thing are you holding on to? What do you need to release? An unhealthy habit? An old flame you keep going back to against your better judgment? A grudge you’ve been carrying? Unmet expectations? Something else?
What is one step you can take this week toward letting go of that thing in your life?
Pair up with an friend this week and hold one another accountable to taking the step you each resolved to take toward letting go. Whether that's as simple as blocking that guy's number,
choosing not to purchase comfort food at the grocery store, apologizing to that person you lied to, or scheduling an appointment with a counselor, all steps (even the smallest ones) are steps toward the freedom and growth you’re made for. Help each other take them.
CHAPTER 13: GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY
The takeaways: In Chapter 13, Jordan really tackles that pressure we feel to prove ourselves.
More specifically, she really zeroes in on the pressure we often feel to strike gold on our first try,
which, therefore, often holds us back from trying at all. Then, she offers simple strategies to help break the pressure to prove. Some of these include removing and/or retreating from high pressure influences, looking for everyday opportunities before extraordinary ones, and shifting our perspective from “How can I find my purpose?” to, “How can I bring heaven to earth today?”
The problems: When we feel the pressure to prove, we begin to believe we must strike gold on our first try at chasing our dreams or goals. When we don’t get the result we wanted, we often prefer to give up or avoid trying again, rather than seeing the lesson we actually needed.
The discussion questions:
Do you ever feel the pressure to strike gold on your first try? Whether it’s your first try at a side hustle, your first try at leading a small group or book club, or your first time working a new job?
How did this chapter challenge you? What is one action step or change you want to implement with this new perspective?
Are there external sources of pressure in your life? Whether it’s a parent, in-law, boss, client, or someone else? How might you be able to drown out those voices in your life? Think of an action step (or ask a friend or the group you’re with!) to help you come up with a simple solution to perhaps slightly retreat from those influences (even if you can’t cut them out completely) so you can refocus on what you need / want to do!
If you’re in a group, ask each person how the group can support them in a new endeavor,
season, or experience they are stepping into. Be intentional to find ways to become that
“positive voice” to help balance out any of those “pressure voices” each member may have in their lives.
CHAPTER 14: STOP WAITING, START LIVING
The takeaways: In this final chapter, Jordan really addressed the feeling of being stuck in a
“perpetual season of waiting,” and offered some wisdom, advice, and action steps for handling that feeling. This chapter closes the book with a declaration meant to serve as a life mantra, an encouragement to stop waiting for some magical day when you hit that milestone or reach that goal, and instead, start showing up and living where you are, with what you have, before you figure it all out.
The problems: When we focus on what we are waiting for, we end up wasting the days we have. No wonder we feel so stuck!
The discussion questions: How do you identify with the stories and examples shared in this chapter? Do you feel stuck in a season of perpetual waiting, or are you in a season of growth and change?
What is your response to setbacks or long seasons in life? Do you celebrate the growth and progress, even if it feels like steps backwards, or do you get stuck in your own head? How do you plan to handle seasons where you feel like you’re “waiting” going forward?
Look at the Anthem for the Woman of Purpose . How do you resolve to take one step to really own your everyday today? This week? This month? This year?
