Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

by Foster Cline, Jim Fay

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This parenting book shows you how to raise self-confident, motivated children who are ready for the real world. Learn how to parent effectively while teaching your children responsibility and growing their character. Establish healthy control through easy-to-implement steps without anger, threats, nagging, or power struggles. Indexed for easy reference.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781576839546
Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers
Publication date: 04/19/2006
Series: The Navigators Reference Library
Edition description: New Edition
Pages: 272
Sales rank: 43,548
Product dimensions: 6.10(w) x 9.10(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

FOSTER W. CLINE, M.D. is an internationally recognized psychiatrist. He is a consultant to mental health organizations, parents groups, and schools across North America. He specialized in working with difficult children.

JIM FAY has thirty-one years on experience as an educator ans school principal. He is recognized as one of America's top educational consultants ans has won many awards in the educational field. He successfully guided his three children through their childhood and teen years using love and logic.

Read an Excerpt

Parenting with Love and Logic

Teaching Children Responsibility
By Foster Cline Jim Fay


Copyright © 2006 Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-57683-954-6

Chapter One

Parenting: Joy or Nightmare?

A wise child loves discipline, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.

Proverbs 13:1

A mother and father stand outside of a restaurant in the rain asking their three-year-old, Chloe, to get in the car so the family can go home. Chloe refuses. Her parents spend the next fifteen minutes begging and pleading with her to do it on her own. At one point, the father gets down on his knees in the puddles, trying to reason her into the car. She finally complies, but only after her parents agree to buy her a soda on the way home. If they have to use a soda to buy her off at three, what will they be facing when she reaches sixteen?

* * *

Jim sits in the airport awaiting a flight, watching as a mother gives at least eighty different demands to her three-year-old boy over the course of an hour without ever enforcing one of them:

"Come back here, Logan!"

"Don't go over there, Logan!"

"You better listen to me, Logan, or else!"

"I mean it, Logan!"

"Don't run, Logan!"

"Come back here so you don't get hurt, Logan!"

Logan eventually finds his way to where Jim is seated. The toddler smiles at him while ignoring his mother. The mother yells, "Logan,you get away from that man! You get over here this instant!"

Jim smiles down at Logan and asks, "Hey, Logan, what is your mom going to do if you don't get over there?"

He looks up and grins. "She not goin' to do nothin'." And then his eyes twinkle and his grin becomes wider.

It turns out he is right. She finally comes apologizing. "I'm sorry he's bothering you, but you know how three-year-olds are. They just won't listen to one thing you tell them."

* * *

On a Saturday at a local supermarket, two boys-ages five and seven-have declared war. Like guerrillas on a raiding party, they sneak from aisle to aisle, hiding behind displays and squeaking their tennies on the tile floor. Then suddenly a crash-the result of a game of "shopping cart chicken"-pierces the otherwise calming background Muzak.

The mother, having lost sight of this self-appointed commando unit, abandons her half-filled cart. As she rounds a corner, her screams turn the heads of other shoppers: "Don't get lost!" "Don't touch that!" "You-get over here!" She races for the boys, and as she's about to grab two sweaty necks, they turn to Tactic B: "the split up," a twenty-first-century version of "divide and conquer." Now she must run in two directions at once to shout at them. Wheezing with exertion, she corrals the younger one, who just blitzed the cereal section, leaving a trail of boxes. But when she returns him to her cart, the older boy is gone. She locates him in produce, rolling seedless grapes like marbles across the floor.

After scooping up Boy Number Two and carrying him back, you guessed it, she finds that Boy Number One has disappeared. Mom sprints from her cart once more. Finally, after she threatens murder and the pawning of their Nintendo game system, the boys are gathered.

But the battle's not over. Tactic C follows: the "fill the cart when Mom's not looking" game. Soon M&Ms, Oreos, vanilla wafers, and jumbo Snickers bars are piled high. Mom races back and forth reshelving the treats. Then come boyish smirks and another round of threats from Mom: "Don't do that!" "I'm going to slap your hands!" And in a cry of desperation: "You're never going to leave the house again for the rest of your lives!"

Frazzled, harried, and broken, Mom finally surrenders and buys off her precious flesh and blood with candy bars-a cease-fire that guarantees enough peace to finish her rounds.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Ah, yes, parenting-the joys, the rewards. We become parents with optimism oozing from every pore. During late-night feedings and sickening diaper changes, we know we are laying the groundwork for a lifelong relationship that will bless us when our hair turns gray or disappears. We look forward to times of tenderness and times of love, shared joys and shared disappointments, hugs and encouragement, words of comfort, and soul-filled conversations.

But the joys of parenting were far from the minds of the parents in the previous stories. No freshly scrubbed cherubs flitted through their lives, hanging on every soft word dropping from Mommy's or Daddy's lips. Where was that gratifying, loving, personal relationship between parent and child? The sublime joys of parenting were obliterated by a more immediate concern: survival.

This was parenting, the nightmare.

Scenes like these happen to the best of us. When they do, we may want to throw our hands in the air and scream, "Kids! Are they worth the pain?" Sometimes kids can be a bigger hassle than a house with one shower. When we think of the enormous love we pump into our children's lives and then the sassy, disobedient, unappreciative behavior we receive in return, we can get pretty burned out on the whole process. Besides riddling our lives with day-to-day hassles, kids present us with perhaps the greatest challenge of our adulthood: raising our children to be responsible adults.

Through the miracle of birth, we are given a tiny, defenseless babe totally dependent on us for every physical need. We have a mere eighteen years at most to ready that suckling for a world that can be cruel and heartless. That child's success in the real world hinges in large part on the job we do as parents. Just thinking about raising responsible, well-rounded kids sends a sobering shiver of responsibility right up the old parental spine. Many of us have felt queasy after a thought such as this: If I can't handle a five-year-old in a grocery store, what am I going to do with a fifteen-year-old who seems to have an enormous understanding of sex and is counting the days until he gets a driver's license?

Putting the Fun Back into Parenting

All is not so bleak. Trust us! There's hope, shining beacon bright, at the end of the tunnel of parental frustration. Parenting doesn't have to be drudgery. Children can grow to be thinking, responsible adults. We can help them do it without living through an eighteen-year horror movie.

Parenting with Love and Logic is all about raising responsible kids. It's a win-win philosophy. Parents win because they love in a healthy way and establish control over their kids without resorting to the anger and threats that encourage rebellious teenage behavior. Kids win because they learn responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems. Thus, they acquire the tools for coping with the real world.

Parents and kids can establish a rewarding relationship built on love and trust in the process. What a deal! Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back into parenting.


Excerpted from Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline Jim Fay Copyright © 2006 by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility 4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 61 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I am a single female guardian of two teenage boys that have had a life of "Hell" (their word not mine) & it is so true. All of my Our counselor recommended this book and oh how it has changed our home. Both boys are ADHD, ODD, ICD and depressive diagnosed add in the fact that so far in their short life they have had no parental supervision, have been verbally & physically abused, taught how to steel at the age of 5 & 6, NO moral values and are totally defiant & disrespectfully. I am now using the techniques from the book and LIFE HAS/IS CHANGING!!!! They care about themselves, how they feel, how they look & most importantly how they act. They are respectful and want to do good in life, they have goals and are working so hard to achieve them. Don't get me wrong we still have our days but they are less & less. I would recommend this book to everyone!!!!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
The basic premise of this book is thet if you let children suffer the consiquenses (withen reason) of their acctions they'll learn from them. Parents seem to beleive that it is their job to completely shelter kids from natural, real world consiquenses or to impose overly harsh punishments for every infraction. Letting a child leave the house without a coat won't kill them, and they'll learn that next time, they should wear one. If a kid won't do homework, then their grades will suffer which can lead to loss of privelages at home or at school. Children learn by doing, and sometimes that means allowing them to to the wrong thing as long as they are kept from doing permanent physical, mental, or emotional harm to themselves or others. The only problem I have with this book is the authors focus on "Christian" values. I do feel that this can distance parents of other religious backrounds and beliefs. Honestly, being rasied Christian doesn't make a child any more likely to be a well behaved, well adjusted person then being raised Jewish, Muslim, Budist, Hindu, Pagan, or Athiest. Good parenting is good parenting, regardless of religious faith.
writermomAW More than 1 year ago
Parenting With Love and Logic is the best parenting resource I have found. It offers practical advice that can be implemented right away. As a parent of a teenager and small children, this book has been a lifesaver, and helpful across all ages. Unfortunately, I rushed in and saved my teen from all failures and mistakes while he was young, and now his decision making abilities are seriously impaired. He is also argumentative and lacks respect for authority. After reading this book, I started to allow him to experience natural consequences for his actions and stopped bailing him out. He was shocked at first, but now he knows that he will have to face the consequences for his actions and he is slowly changing for the better. I hope by college he will be stronger in decision making and respect. I'm thankful to implement these truths with my smaller children, so they can grow up with more true confidence and decision making abilities.
hlowe More than 1 year ago
I've used only a few of the techniques and it's like using magic. The effect of using Love & Logic is making all of our lives more fun. My children have responded so positively to my new style of more yelling, screaming, threatening, etc. The may not be thrilled while dealing with their consequences, but it's taught them more than 'time-out'. Love, Love, Love Love & Logic!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
They say kids don't come with instruction books, but if they did, this should be the one.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I will have to say, our house was a house of screamers, and yelling. I wish I would have had this book 15 years ago when we got custody of my step son. I am using it with our 12 and 8 year old, and after reading and using this book for almost three weeks now, the yelling and screaming is coming to a halt, back talk,not getting ready for school, church whatever is getting better each day.. As far as Christian Values, yes it quotes the Bible, but get over that part, the rest is wonderful for all parent of all faith, just don't read the bible verse if it offends you. but don't let that deter you from this book. I would have loved to have seen a section, on destructive behavior, other not having that in the book it's wonderful.. I think all parents before leaving the hospital, should get this book, I am going to buy one for a friend for her baby shower.
For2unekukie More than 1 year ago
I HIGHLY recommend purchasing this book & they also have a website that you can find other resources that you can't find in a bookstore. I absolutely LOVE these techniques & they truly work!!! :) I can't say enough good things about this book & the techniques they teach. I find it "funny" how the "bad" reviews on this book are "anonymous" & they say nothing about "why" they rated the book so low. This book deserves MORE than 5 stars! :)
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Stop bribing, arguing, and feeling overwhelmed. Logical parenting with real results.
Guest More than 1 year ago
As a professional counselor AND parent of 7 (adopted & birth) kids ranging from 8 - 28, I picked up this book after hearing continous raves about it from foster & adoptive parents who faced extremely difficult parenting challenges. The book is absolutely outstanding. Also available in audio format, this was my choice so that I could listen to the suggestions while passing the time on the highway!
NoelsCat More than 1 year ago
I found this book to be inspiring and helpful.
Guest More than 1 year ago
The ideas are, for the most part very good. The "helocoptor, drill seargent, counselor" analogy is very helpful. As the kids grow older, responsibility is important to communicate and this is a great start. At times, however, it is unmanagable for the parent to come up with and administrate a natural consequence for everything. While this book shines in teaching responsibility, it lacks in showing a parent how to establish their authority. Plus, some of the complex plans to instill a natural consequence requires a full time job. Who has a friend who can come at a drop of a hat to haul your kid off when they throw a tantrum at the supermarket? However, much of the thinking (shared control, giving choices you can live with, helping the child take ownership for their problem) is very good. **You may want to balance your parenting toolbox with James Dobson "Dare To Discipline" which shows a more effective method of regaining parental control in early childhood than the hours and/or days one would have to spend using love and logic alone. **Love and Logic for Teens is good as these are the years where responsibility must be taught providing the parental authority has been established. (I have been in classes with parents where this was not the case and Love and Logic was useless for them).
Guest More than 1 year ago
I first read this book in 1995 before I became a mom. It was so refreshing to realize that parents have a choice too! Parenting can be fun and watching my kids learn how to make good choices is great! The same logic can be used for adults too! :)
Guest More than 1 year ago
I loved the idea of using empathy instead of anger and using thinking words instead of fighting words. Treating kids with respect and always keeping their dignity in tact. It is very different from the parenting techniques of a generation ago. As times have changed so has the need for some new and improved parenting skills. Parents learn how to stay calm and neutralize arguments, modeling responsible adult behavior. Parents gain control by giving choices. They improve kids self-concept by letting them solve and be responsible for their own problems and the consequences. The hardest thing as a parent is to see our children struggle, but sometimes this is how they learn best. I think this is a must have book for parents with kids of any age. It is written with humor and tons of practical solutions for everday problems. I couldn't put it down and read almost all the other books the authors have written. I am spreading the message to anyone who will listen or is having problems with their kids. No one book can address and solve every problem, and this book is no exception. Each child is unique, but if we can incorporate some of the ideas presented in the book and blend them with our own special knowledge of our child and let our love guide us, I think we will be on the right road to raising responsible, self confident, respectful adults. I know its working for me. I would call my son a wonderful but difficult kid and I have seen lots and lots of improvement in his behavior at home and at school. I only wish I had gotten the book when he was smaller. One of the authors, Jim Fay, now has a son, Dr. Charles Fay, who has also written some parenting books.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I found the book easy to understand and well written. It includes some great examples of how to deal with everyday problems that families are faced with. I highly recommend this book. It has helped us to parent in a way that feels right and it works!
JulieVerner on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
This book is great in many ways. It offers practical, easy to implement strategies for encouraging positive behavior in your children through the use of logical consequences. It is very behavioral in its emphasis meaning it shouldn't be the only book on your shelf. Supplement with books to address other issues such as the meaning behind your child's behavior. Gottman's "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" is a good one. The second half of the book is not nearly as helpful as the first. It offers topical "pearls" that felt too surfacy in their treatment to be of much use. You are in good shape if you simply read the first 100 pages or so.
aarondesk on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
This book details a program/method on raising responsible kids in an irresponsible world. Lots of good ideas and advice. Now, I just need to learn to implement it!
HoraceSPatoot on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
Raising kids is difficult, and every child is different. Therefore, no one book can tell you how you should teach your own unique human being. Having said that, as one who survived parenting six very different children, I wholeheartedly endorse this book. It does not absolve you of the responsibility of understanding each child individually and catering your approach to his/her specific needs, but it does provide powerful tools and insights that will make you much more effective as a parent. Just be careful not to cross the line that separates mature detachment (good) and indifference (bad). In other words, remember the "Love" part, and not just the "Logic."
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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Chaz2 More than 1 year ago
This book is the most valuable parenting tool I have ever read. I used it when my daughter was younger and a teenager with very positive results. I am a therapist and have recommended it to many clients who also report positive results. As adults, we are dealt either the rewards or natural consequences of our decisions; teaching our children that this is how the world works is a gift and a necessity if they are to thrive when they leave our home.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I have used this technique for nearly ten years and love it. I belueve in it so much so that I teach a six week class in my community. A must have for bringing joy back into parenting.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
bookaholicOR More than 1 year ago
This book came into my life long after our kids were grown, but I was blessed by a dear friend who introduced me to the Dreikers method of child rearing and saved my life. The principles are the same---natural consequences for actions be they good or bad. "If this, then that" is the theme and follows a favorite family axiom, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." When I became a teacher, our district embraced the concept by offering classes on the volume, "Teaching with Love and Logic." It changed the entire building and helped us to graduate solid, productive citizens into the world.
AshleyAG More than 1 year ago
Really great advice on parenting that helps you teach kids responsibility, avoid power struggles, and keeps you on their side.