Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

by Foster Cline, Jim Fay

Overview

"This is as close to an owner's manual for parents that you will find. Now, parents can embrace mistakes as wonderful learning opportunities to raise respectful, responsible, and caring children." —Gloria Sherman, M.A., LPC, Counselor Zemmer Jr. High, Lapeer, Michigan "Parenting with Love & Logic is an essential component for our students, parents, and teachers. For the last fourteen years, thousands of families in our school district have been positively impacted by Love & Logic principles." —Leonard R. Rezmierski, Ph.D., Superintendent, Northville Public Schools "Parenting with Love and Logic is a MUST for every parent in America! This is the most useful book I've ever read. This stuff really works! My kids use this stuff on me, their peers, and their teachers! That's how I know it really works!" —Lorynda Sampson, Colorado Teacher of the Year, 2003 "For almost twenty years, I have been delighted to share the powerful, yet simple wisdom of Jim Fay and Foster Cline with my counseling clients. The principles in Parenting with Love and Logic are practical, proven techniques that keep parents on track to raising responsible, loving, confident children." —Carol R. Cole, Ph.D., LMFT "Parenting with Love and Logic is a terrific book for parents that provide important concepts and practical solutions to help children become emotionally, socially, and morally healthy." —Terry M. Levy, Ph.D, codirector Evergreen Psychotherapy Center, Coauthor Attachment, Trauma and Healing "This book gives parents the tools to build a lifelong relationship based on respect, empathy, appreciation, and love. Parenting with Love and Logic teaches kids how to think and problem-solve from a very young age." —Stephanie Bryan, Clinical Social Worker and Parent Coach, www.REALparenting.net "This hilariously entertaining guidebook to working with children contains practical and easy-to-apply principles for both the home and the classroom." —Larry Anderson, Parent and Educator

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781576839546
Publisher:	The Navigators
Publication date:	04/19/2006
Series:	The Navigators Reference Library
Edition description:	New Edition
Pages:	272
Product dimensions:	6.10(w) x 9.10(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

FOSTER W. CLINE, M.D. is an internationally recognized psychiatrist. He is a consultant to mental health organizations, parents groups, and schools across North America. He specialized in working with difficult children.

JIM FAY has thirty-one years on experience as an educator ans school principal. He is recognized as one of America's top educational consultants ans has won many awards in the educational field. He successfully guided his three children through their childhood and teen years using love and logic.

Read an Excerpt

Parenting with Love and Logic

Teaching Children Responsibility

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By Foster Cline Jim Fay

PIÑON PRESS

Copyright © 2006 Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-57683-954-6

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Chapter One

Parenting: Joy or Nightmare?

A wise child loves discipline, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.

Proverbs 13:1

A mother and father stand outside of a restaurant in the rain asking their three-year-old, Chloe, to get in the car so the family can go home. Chloe refuses. Her parents spend the next fifteen minutes begging and pleading with her to do it on her own. At one point, the father gets down on his knees in the puddles, trying to reason her into the car. She finally complies, but only after her parents agree to buy her a soda on the way home. If they have to use a soda to buy her off at three, what will they be facing when she reaches sixteen?

* * *

Jim sits in the airport awaiting a flight, watching as a mother gives at least eighty different demands to her three-year-old boy over the course of an hour without ever enforcing one of them:

"Come back here, Logan!"

"Don't go over there, Logan!"

"You better listen to me, Logan, or else!"

"I mean it, Logan!"

"Don't run, Logan!"

"Come back here so you don't get hurt, Logan!"

Logan eventually finds his way to where Jim is seated. The toddler smiles at him while ignoring his mother. The mother yells, "Logan,you get away from that man! You get over here this instant!"

Jim smiles down at Logan and asks, "Hey, Logan, what is your mom going to do if you don't get over there?"

He looks up and grins. "She not goin' to do nothin'." And then his eyes twinkle and his grin becomes wider.

It turns out he is right. She finally comes apologizing. "I'm sorry he's bothering you, but you know how three-year-olds are. They just won't listen to one thing you tell them."

* * *

On a Saturday at a local supermarket, two boys-ages five and seven-have declared war. Like guerrillas on a raiding party, they sneak from aisle to aisle, hiding behind displays and squeaking their tennies on the tile floor. Then suddenly a crash-the result of a game of "shopping cart chicken"-pierces the otherwise calming background Muzak.

The mother, having lost sight of this self-appointed commando unit, abandons her half-filled cart. As she rounds a corner, her screams turn the heads of other shoppers: "Don't get lost!" "Don't touch that!" "You-get over here!" She races for the boys, and as she's about to grab two sweaty necks, they turn to Tactic B: "the split up," a twenty-first-century version of "divide and conquer." Now she must run in two directions at once to shout at them. Wheezing with exertion, she corrals the younger one, who just blitzed the cereal section, leaving a trail of boxes. But when she returns him to her cart, the older boy is gone. She locates him in produce, rolling seedless grapes like marbles across the floor.

After scooping up Boy Number Two and carrying him back, you guessed it, she finds that Boy Number One has disappeared. Mom sprints from her cart once more. Finally, after she threatens murder and the pawning of their Nintendo game system, the boys are gathered.

But the battle's not over. Tactic C follows: the "fill the cart when Mom's not looking" game. Soon M&Ms, Oreos, vanilla wafers, and jumbo Snickers bars are piled high. Mom races back and forth reshelving the treats. Then come boyish smirks and another round of threats from Mom: "Don't do that!" "I'm going to slap your hands!" And in a cry of desperation: "You're never going to leave the house again for the rest of your lives!"

Frazzled, harried, and broken, Mom finally surrenders and buys off her precious flesh and blood with candy bars-a cease-fire that guarantees enough peace to finish her rounds.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Ah, yes, parenting-the joys, the rewards. We become parents with optimism oozing from every pore. During late-night feedings and sickening diaper changes, we know we are laying the groundwork for a lifelong relationship that will bless us when our hair turns gray or disappears. We look forward to times of tenderness and times of love, shared joys and shared disappointments, hugs and encouragement, words of comfort, and soul-filled conversations.

But the joys of parenting were far from the minds of the parents in the previous stories. No freshly scrubbed cherubs flitted through their lives, hanging on every soft word dropping from Mommy's or Daddy's lips. Where was that gratifying, loving, personal relationship between parent and child? The sublime joys of parenting were obliterated by a more immediate concern: survival.

This was parenting, the nightmare.

Scenes like these happen to the best of us. When they do, we may want to throw our hands in the air and scream, "Kids! Are they worth the pain?" Sometimes kids can be a bigger hassle than a house with one shower. When we think of the enormous love we pump into our children's lives and then the sassy, disobedient, unappreciative behavior we receive in return, we can get pretty burned out on the whole process. Besides riddling our lives with day-to-day hassles, kids present us with perhaps the greatest challenge of our adulthood: raising our children to be responsible adults.

Through the miracle of birth, we are given a tiny, defenseless babe totally dependent on us for every physical need. We have a mere eighteen years at most to ready that suckling for a world that can be cruel and heartless. That child's success in the real world hinges in large part on the job we do as parents. Just thinking about raising responsible, well-rounded kids sends a sobering shiver of responsibility right up the old parental spine. Many of us have felt queasy after a thought such as this: If I can't handle a five-year-old in a grocery store, what am I going to do with a fifteen-year-old who seems to have an enormous understanding of sex and is counting the days until he gets a driver's license?

Putting the Fun Back into Parenting

All is not so bleak. Trust us! There's hope, shining beacon bright, at the end of the tunnel of parental frustration. Parenting doesn't have to be drudgery. Children can grow to be thinking, responsible adults. We can help them do it without living through an eighteen-year horror movie.

Parenting with Love and Logic is all about raising responsible kids. It's a win-win philosophy. Parents win because they love in a healthy way and establish control over their kids without resorting to the anger and threats that encourage rebellious teenage behavior. Kids win because they learn responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems. Thus, they acquire the tools for coping with the real world.

Parents and kids can establish a rewarding relationship built on love and trust in the process. What a deal! Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back into parenting.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline Jim Fay Copyright © 2006 by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Foreword to the Second Edition xi

Introduction 1

Part 1 The Love and Logic Parent

1 Parenting: Joy or Nightmare? 5

Are We Having Fun Yet? 7

Putting the Fun Back into Parenting 8

2 Mission Possible: Raising Responsible Kids 9

Ineffective Parenting Styles 11

The Effective Parenting Style of Love and Logic 15

The Paradox of Success and Failure 16

Learning at Affordable Prices 18

To Protect Them Is Not to Love Them 20

Responsibility Cannot Be Taught 21

3 Responsible Children Feel Good about Themselves 23

I Am What I Think You Think I Am 24

The Three-Legged Table of Self-Concept 26

The Difference between Praise and Encouragement 32

Positive Self-Esteem Comes from Accomplishment 34

If We're Happy, They're Happy 36

4 Children's Mistakes Are Their Opportunities 39

Mother, Please, I'd Rather Do It Myself 40

You Have Your Troubles, I Have Mine 41

The Two Rules of Love and Logic 44

Problem, Problem, Who Owns the Problem? 49

5 Setting Limits through Thinking Words 53

Building Walls That Don't Crumble 54

How to Talk to a Child 57

The Threat Cycle 59

We'd Rather They Think than Fight 62

Mean What You Say, and Say What You Mean 64

6 Gaining Control through Choices 67

Parenting Just Gets More and More Curious 67

The Right Dose of Control 69

Waging a Winnable War with Choices 71

The Bad Boy in Burger King: A Case Study on Winning a Control Battle 77

Choose Your Choices Carefully 83

7 The Recipe for Success: Empathy with Consequences 85

Hurting from the inside Out 87

Naturally Occurring Consequences 88

Imposing Consequences 91

Consequences Don't Have to Be Immediate 92

It's the Empathy That Counts 94

8 Lights, Camera, Parenting! 97

Practice, Practice, Practice 97

What Love and Logic Is Not 98

It's Never Too Late to Start 104

Part 2 Love and Logic Parenting Tools

How to Use Love and Logic Pearls 106

1 Allowances/Money 107

2 Anger: When It's Appropriate 110

3 Bedtime 112

4 Bossiness 115

5 Bullying and Cyberbullying 117

6 Car Wars: Back-Seat Battles 121

7 Chores 125

8 Church: When Kids Don't Want to Go 128

9 Creativity 130

10 Crisis Situations 133

11 Discipline 101 135

12 Discipline in Public 139

13 Divorce and Visitation 141

14 Eating and Table Manners 149

15 Entitlement 152

16 Fears and Monsters 156

17 Fighting 158

18 Friends 161

19 Getting Ready for School 163

20 Giving Gifts 167

21 Grades, Underachievement, and Report Cards 170

22 Grandparents 175

23 Homework 178

24 "I'm Bored" Routine 180

25 Lying and Dishonesty 182

26 Nasty Looks and Negative Body Language 184

27 Pacifiers 186

28 Peer Pressure 188

29 Pet Care 191

30 Picking Up Belongings 193

31 Professional Help: When to Seek It 196

32 The Room: Keeping It Clean 197

33 The Room: Keeping the Kid in It 199

34 Sassing and Disrespect 202

35 Spanking 204

36 Sports 206

37 Stealing 210

38 Swearing and Bad Language 212

39 Teacher and School Problems 214

40 Technology: The Internet, Phones, Pornography, Television and Videos, and Video Games 216

41 Teeth Brushing 234

42 Telephone Interruptions 236

43 Temper Tantrums 238

44 Toilet Training 240

45 Values: Passing Them On to Your Kids 242

46 Whining and Complaining 245

Appendix A The Three Types of Parents 247

Appendix B Turn Your Word into Gold: The Art of Enforceable Statements for the Home 248

Notes 250

Index 251

Authors 259

What People are Saying About This

Lorynda Sampson

“Parenting with Love and Logic is a MUST for every parent in America! This is the most useful book I’ve ever read. My kids have used this stuff on me, their peers, and their teachers! That’s how I know it really works!”

Bill Gates

“An invaluable guide . . . especially when it comes to de-escalating those inevitable conflicts between parents and kids.”

Gloria Sherman

“This is as close to an owner’s manual for parents as you will find. Now, parents can embrace mistakes as wonderful learning opportunities to raise respectful, responsible, and caring children.”

Leonard R. Rezmierski

“Parenting with Love and Logic is an essential component for our schools, parents, and teachers. Thousands of families have been positively impacted by Love and Logic principles.”

Terry M. Levy

“Parenting with Love and Logic is a terrific book for parents that provides important concepts and practical solutions to help children become emotionally, socially, and morally healthy.”

Carol R. Cole

“I have been delighted to share the powerful yet simple wisdom of Jim Fay and Foster Cline with my counseling clients. The principles in Parenting with Love and Logic are practical, proven techniques that keep parents on track to raising responsible, loving, confident children.”