Pearl is a dead squirrel who knows everything. With the aid of her earthly mouthpiece Georgette Spelvin, Pearl has been sharing her psychic wisdom with her human disciples for years, delving into topics as varied and complex as love, money, work, health, and etiquette. Once hidden in the delightful corners of the internet for the canniest lurkers and most sacred seekers on the website MEPearl.com, Pearl’s cosmology now comes to life in print for the first time ever, revealing for the masses the secret for everlasting happiness, in addition to a newly-unearthed trove of Pearl’s bewitching, incisive, and illuminating advice that makes sense of every ancient—and current—mystery.
With the same “delightfully peculiar” (New York magazine) flair that has made Pearl and Georgette sensations online and had videos of them featured on shows such as The Ellen DeGeneres Show and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Pearls of Wisdom welcomes readers into the bewildering and addictive world of ME Pearl—one rife with Jackie O. glamour, David Lynch lunacy, marsupial melodrama, and psychedelic spirituality. Proffering new insights on everything from wildlife to the afterlife, Pearls of Wisdom is a true sacred text for the internet age—if not eternity.
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About the Author
Georgette Spelvin is a licensed wildlife rehabilitator specializing in small mammals. She is married to artist and front man Royce van Oyster, who capably assists in the operation of her complex animal sanctuary. Georgette worked as a performance artist, professional masseuse, veterinary technician, dual diagnosis counselor on the psychiatric unit of a major metropolitan hospital, and the resident storyteller of an International Cultural Center, before her body, mind, and spirit were entirely usurped by a willful little squirrel. Georgette resides with the spirit of Pearl in Astralburg, Etheria.
Read an Excerpt
Hello and welcome to our world. What an extraordinary experience for us to have you here.
Hang in for the duration. You’ll be glad you did. This book is coauthored by myself, Georgette Spelvin, and a ferociously fun and fabulous little squirrel, Pearl de Wisdom. We’re used to having guests for an afternoon now and then. Sometimes they stay late. Sometimes they leave early, sometimes through the bathroom window. There’s no accounting for taste.
The advantage of short visits is that you can shove what’s unsightly under the bed, metaphorically speaking. With longer visits, like this book, you’re going to need some of that stuff, and retrieving it can be dodgy.
Don’t misunderstand, we want you here. Very much. Especially Pearl Squirrel, who has no shame and is always on the prowl for fresh blood. Don’t be alarmed. That’s just one of her colorful phrases.
Let me tell you about Pearl, who, for better or worse, is my muse. Early on, Pearl developed an avid interest in world events and walnuts. She cared about art, literature, history, hickory, high finance, philosophy, filberts, anthropology, paranormal psychology, and peanuts. Pearl excels in all forms of academia and macadamia.
It would be to your advantage to make nice with Pearl. When each of us passes through the veil to the other side, it’s entirely possible that she’s right and we pass directly to her. I hope not, but il faut faire attention. She’s a noxious little twit and can be vindictive if not appeased. Don’t be alarmed. Forewarned is forearmed, and that’s what this book is all about. So, congratulations on acquiring it.
You have been deemed worthy to enter, explore, and be exploited in the wonderful world of ME, Pearl de Wisdom, the one and only ascended dead squirrel. You only need one. This is the world of “Preposterosity,” and you’ll need to remind yourself of that frequently.
I’ve been alternately characterized as saint, goddess, fuzzy wuzzy widdle wodent, and purveyor of the best damn snake oil on the market. Take a moment to relax and bask in gratitude. Imagine soft, soothing music playing on K-YOU radio.
The best news you’ll get today, other than if your blood tests come back and you got away with your hedonistic lifestyle, is that Pearl loves you. The biggest surprise you’ll get comes midway through this book when you’ll discover that you love Pearl too. Such a big lovefest. Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Time to open your mind and broaden your beliefs. Wider. Broader. No, more. C’mon, just say yes. Yes, I know it hurts but push through. You can do it and it will be worth it. That’s the ME Pearl promise.
Forget “suspension of disbelief ” because, on my honor as a dead squirrel deity, everything you are about to read is true. It actually happened, or will happen, or could happen if you play your cards right. For your convenience, we sell decks of playing cards, dice, and other assorted games of “chance” (haha hahaha) at our online store. Do yourself a favor and look it up. We at ME Pearl consider gambling a sacred ritual since, before ME, all of creation was just one big crap shoot.
Did you find that indelicate? Oh, grow up!
Work with ME, people. I’m trying to lull you into a true sense of security where you feel that everything will be just fine. Like the Petrojvic Blasting Company.
This is Truth as you’ve never known it. Nowhere else can you change so many planes and never go near an airport.
Fasten your seat belts, friends: it’s going to be a bumpy read.
Table of ContentsPreface: Notes on the Revolution
The Seven Lively Virtues
Possum Care (Stupid Possum Stuff You Should Know)
Self-Care: Beauty, Fitness, and Glamour
Psychic Readings and the Zodiac
The Pearlestine Prophesies
The Secret to Everlasting Happiness