Positively Resilient: 5 1/2 Secrets to Beat Stress, Overcome Obstacles, and Defeat Anxiety
192
Positively Resilient: 5 1/2 Secrets to Beat Stress, Overcome Obstacles, and Defeat Anxiety
192Paperback(First Edition)
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Overview
Martin Seligman, considered the father of positive psychology, has likened resilience to clearing the weeds from a rose garden, which can only reach its potential if the weeds are kept in check. Human beings face "weeds" of their own: Layoffs, health issues, stock market crashes, threats of terrorism, and natural disasters are all too common. Americans are busier, more stressed, and more anxious and depressed than they were during the Great Depression.
Based on more than 40 years of research and 20 years of professional experience, Positively Resilient will help you discover:
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781632650610 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Red Wheel/Weiser |
| Publication date: | 10/24/2016 |
| Edition description: | First Edition |
| Pages: | 192 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.50(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
The Case for Resilience
Expect adversity ... expect more to conquer it.
— Marv Levy, Former Head Coach of the Buffalo Bills
I have been writing this book for more than 46 years. Not literally, of course, but from a young age, I have been fascinated by people's behavior in difficult situations. I have seen my fair share of resilient behavior and examples of people acting not so resilient. I have witnessed this in my own behavior and thought patterns as well. I can vividly remember being 14 years old and screaming at my older sister to get out of the bathroom. (Sorry, Kath.) I also recall being engaged in so much negative thinking before a football game my senior year at the University of Pennsylvania that I threw two interceptions; held the ball too long, which allowed 10 sacks; and I was replaced at the end of the game. It was only our second contest of the year and I returned to the starting lineup the next week, but my season was over. My pessimistic thinking got in the way of several comebacks and ruined my performance. (Sorry, guys.)
Little did I know that a psychology professor was studying optimism and pessimism just a few blocks from our stadium. Dr. Martin Seligman is called the "Father of Positive Psychology" and he published Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life during my senior year. Seligman's main thesis was two-fold. First, he argued that being optimistic led to better outcomes in sports, politics, work, and school. The second pillar was that we could actually learn how to be more optimistic. Unfortunately, I didn't get a copy of the book and I continued to throw interceptions and my pessimistic thinking followed me through the entire season. It didn't end there, as my first job out of college was with a large payroll company as a salesman. Every day, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., I made cold calls in person and over the phone. On Tuesday mornings, we had what was referred to as a "phone blitz." Our managers gave us lists of companies to cold call and we were on the phones, non-stop, for three hours. It was brutal. People routinely hung up on me. They were rude and some even yelled at me, saying that if I ever called back ... well, you get the point.
Every once in a while, I needed a break. If you took too many breaks, your manager would inquire about what was wrong and quietly escort you back to your desk while telling you, "It's a numbers game, Doug. You make more sales when you make more calls. Don't take it personally when you get rejected." Then I usually got some encouragement and ignored it completely. After about six months of doing this, I started to look for another job. I had no faith in my ability to sell payroll services and I wanted to quit. In fact, it started to affect my feelings of self-worth and overall confidence as a person.
So, now you understand that my default tendency is to be pessimistic when the going gets tough. I am also an "intravert" (I spell it with an "a" because it signals that I get my energy from within), and guess who I tend to seek out when I'm troubled? That's right, me. So, the spiraling down used to be pretty dramatic. I tell you this because being resilient is not so easy for me. I have been studying this concept for a long time and want to share what I have learned through the years with as many people as possible. In fact, I have spent the better part of the last 11 years finding new tools, tips, and methods for fighting through tough times and even thriving in them. Although I hesitate to refer to myself as an expert, I can tell you that I work at being more resilient every day. One day I might need to work on my flexibility while the next it is my optimistic thinking. Or, I could be spending so much time alone that I remember to re-engage in supportive relationships.
Learning about this did not happen overnight. It wasn't until almost 11 years ago that I realized there were psychologists studying happiness, engagement, meaning, purpose, and resilience using the scientific method. In 2005, a Time magazine article featuring the research of Martin Seligman, Ed Diener, Richard Davidson, and Robert Emmons focused on "positive psychology." They talked about happiness exercises and how they have been studying this for decades. Their research pointed to happiness and well-being as characteristics that were likely to lead to promotions at work, more satisfying relationships, less depression, and higher levels of achievement in school and sports.
I read that edition of Time from cover to cover. I talked about it with everyone I could and bought several books on the subject. In short, I was hooked and (as my best friend would say) it almost became an obsession. For example, I started to practice gratitude when arriving home from work to help me transition from being a manager to being a husband and a dad. What I quickly realized, however, was that being happy and expressing gratitude only got you so far. It wasn't always enough to help me cope with life's ups and downs. And, this realization kick-started a more concerted effort to determine what makes some people resilient while others are less hardy and break down in the face of adversity.
Before exploring the concept of resilience, however, let's come up with a common definition. When we ask workshop participants to throw out words that come to mind when they hear the word "resilience," we routinely hear:
• Strong.
• Flexible.
• Agile.
• Bend but don't break.
This discussion goes on for several minutes and we almost never escape the exercise without also hearing the words "bounce back." In fact, Webster's Dictionary offers the following as one of the definitions: "The ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc." An article that I read about resilience on Inc. magazine's website defined it this way: "The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness." When applying this definition to a psychological state of mind, we would say that resilient people are able to get back to "normal" after a divorce, being laid off from work, or even the death of a loved one. I do not disagree with this concept.
However, I offer up that resilience is much more than just bouncing back.
Bouncing back is critical but it does not tell the whole story. Bouncing back also implies that we return to our original shape. That is, we are supposed to be the same as we were before we were hit with adversity. My experience with resilient people is that they are never the same after effectively managing adversity. In some cases, resilient people experience a profound amount of growth and can be more empathic. And adversity can be linked to more psychological flexibility, more loving and caring behaviors, and can lead to more optimistic thinking.
When I consider the academic research and my own experiences combined with thousands of interactions with clients, friends, and family, it is easy for me to see that resilient people are not just capable of bouncing back in spite of adversity, they are stronger because of the adversities they faced and how they faced them.
Gwen Farley, an attorney for the state of New Jersey and mother of two teenagers, has been fighting to keep the environment safe for more than 10 years. When I asked Gwen if she was resilient, she quickly answered, "I am now! I really don't think I was before." For three years, Gwen helped her husband Marc fight a rare, deadly form of cancer that ended up claiming his life. She is adamant that her experience offered her no choice but to "stay strong" and "continue standing." Of course, her love for Marc was a driving force, but so was the meaning and purpose she derived from caring for two children. What I have come to understand about resilience is that it is a much deeper, richer, and more complex construct than just bouncing back. Although Gwen would do almost anything to have Marc back, there is no doubt that she is stronger today.
Growth is an essential element of resilience. Resilient people learn from the situations they confront as well as the mistakes they make. They are then capable of taking that knowledge and changing their approach as opposed to saying, "Well, there was nothing I could do better." Or, "It was inevitable." Resilient people are able to listen to feedback from the environment and other people while owning their own development as human beings. They seek to improve. Not that all of them love receiving negative feedback but, in time, they are able to process the information in a way that allows them to grow.
Because they learn from their experiences, resilient people do not shy away from difficulties. They do not shrink from a challenge. In fact, when challenges are presented, those with an abundance of resilience can be motivated by what is in front of them. Instead of contemplating how bad their situation is, what could go wrong, and the consequences of the worst possible outcomes, they can reframe the scenario into a challenge or a game to test their abilities.
Jennifer, a manager at a Fortune 100 company, is a single mother to two kids with severe disabilities. When things get tough for her, she recalls a scene from one of my favorite Disney movies, Finding Nemo, in which Dory tells Marlin to "just keep swimming ... just keep swimming." Jennifer knows that after a first marriage to an alcoholic, dealing with several verbally abusive boyfriends, and raising two beautiful kids (now in their 20s), she just needs a little reminder from a children's movie.
Another element that we see in most resilient people is the belief in their abilities. They have the confidence and a sense of hope that they can handle the situation in front of them. They are not overly optimistic, however. They know that they usually have the resources (including the help of others) to come through okay.
Jim, an elementary school teacher who focuses on writing skills with his students, almost never backs down from a challenge. He is routinely subjected to what seem like interrogations from highly educated, affluent parents in his school district. His methods are questioned. Grades are a point of argument and recommendations for remedial work are often met with skepticism. He is often asked to give his credentials as part of the rationalization. Instead of making it a battle, Jim empathizes with the parents because Jim is a parent himself. And, he tells himself that he is the expert in the room. He is the one who is qualified to teach the child and make recommendations. Jim listens to the parents' recommendations and stands up for himself because of his years of experience in the classroom, his education, and his intuition.
Chang Liu (pronounced Chung Leo), director of library services in Loudoun County, Virginia, was born in China shortly after the Cultural Revolution led by Mao Zedong. When I listen to stories of Chang growing up in a one-room apartment and not having much in the way of material goods, it is not hard to think of how difficult life must have been under these conditions. She says it really wasn't that bad because "everyone in China was poor back then." Chang only tells me about this because I ask her specific questions. She is not burdened by her past, nor does she use it as an excuse when things do not go her way. Her face lights up when she talks about her family, and her life's narrative gets really interesting when she shares the story of an English teacher who voluntarily got up at 5 a.m. to tutor her. This anecdote brings us to the last fragment of the definition: support and connection with other human beings.
Chang, and virtually everyone else I spoke with regarding the topic of resilience, pointed to other people when we discussed the sources of their resilience. In Chang's case it was her mother and the teacher. In Gwen's case, it was the connection with her kids and her incredibly supportive friends and family. On the contrary, one of the most iconic figures in the last 50 years may be the cause of the biggest myth associated with resilience: the belief that resilience is a characteristic of the individual alone. The Marlboro Man (part of a cigarette ad developed in the 1950s) is a lone cowboy toughing it out in wilderness conditions. However, the research is clear that we really do need close, supportive, intimate relationships with other human beings to thrive and be resilient. (Later, we will also discuss how resilience can be shared with or stolen from others.)
Another iconic figure, Steve Jobs (founder and former CEO of Apple), has received many accolades for his technological and business prowess. He was instrumental in many areas of the computer revolution. His achievements are unquestionable: Apple computers, the iP-hone, the iPod, the iPad, and iTunes, to name a few. He and Apple have truly changed the world, and not always for the better (we'll talk about technology and resilience later). And many times, his business, marketing, and technological accomplishments required overcoming many difficult obstacles. Apple faced bankruptcy, his new product ideas were up against timelines that seemed impossible, and technical glitches constantly stressed the team.
Many would say that Jobs was resilient because of these things. I disagree with this notion. Jobs was brilliant and he did demonstrate the ability to bounce back, but he could be incredibly cruel in the process. Some of his employees were able to thrive under the pressure of his leadership, yet others wilted as he threw out insults, denied financial rewards, and ridiculed their hard work. Some close to him said he had some narcissistic tendencies that made him incredibly self-centered; this self-centeredness probably lowered his capacity to empathize with others. Yes, Jobs was focused on his goals and helped many reach untold levels of wealth and success, but he left a number of people in his wake.
Jobs is often lauded for his ability to imagine, design, and produce unbelievable products. (I'm writing this book on a MacBook Air!) He was wary of market research because he was creating technology that people did not yet know they needed. Many times, Jobs just knew he was right ... until he wasn't. For example, he hired John Scully to run Apple in the early 1980s. Scully later had Jobs fired and then tanked the company. Jobs originally said that only Apple could create apps for the iPhone. He later changed his mind after several months, but never admitted he was wrong. And, most importantly, when he was first diagnosed with cancer, he dismissed his doctors' recommendations and pursued changes in his diet and other homeopathic options. His doctors recommended surgery almost immediately. Jobs spent almost six months experimenting as the cancer grew. There are some who say he would be alive today if he had simply recognized that he might be wrong and that there were other ways to look at solving this problem.
This is not a moral judgment of Jobs (or anyone). We all tend to exhibit resilient behaviors and we make our fair share of mistakes. Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte, in their book The Resilience Factor, write that "resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, learn from failure, be motivated by challenges and believe in your own abilities to deal with the stress and difficulties in life." My addition to this definition is that resilient people create and sustain supportive, intimate, mutually beneficial relationships with those around them. (Too often, Jobs got what he needed from others while their needs were ignored.)
So, why write about resilience? Why is it so important now? First, resilience is a required ability in the pursuit of meaningful goals. Being a great parent, business person, or athlete forces us to continue on in the face of adversity. The parent is faced with a teenager who is ... well, a teenager. The manager is given an almost impossible deadline to achieve. And the athlete faces tougher competition as she climbs the ladder, as well as injuries and fatigue. Almost anything worth pursuing is not going to be easy. It is the journey that we end up cherishing just as much as reaching the goal.
Resilience is not only valued in the pursuit of goals; this is the second and possibly most important reason for writing this book. Based on my objective and subjective view of our society, there is an enormous amount of stress, anxiety, sadness, and anger that seems to engulf us. To make matters worse, much of this is self-inflicted. Our fast-paced society is only making this worse.
For the last 50 years, sociologist John Robinson of the University of Maryland has been studying how people use their time. Although many of us feel busier than ever, when we actually start to track the 1,440 minutes in each day, we find that we are actually working less. People are starting to exaggerate how much they work, as it is now a badge of honor. So while we may be "at work" less, we are more connected. Work is on our minds, constantly.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Positively Resilient"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Doug Hensch.
Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Preface 9
1 The Case for Resilience 11
2 Getting Ready for Change 33
3 How Flexible Are You? 49
4 High but Far 69
5 Mindfulness and Curiosity Make a Comeback 95
6 The Role of Positive and Negative Emotions 119
7 Building and Maintaining Supportive Relationships 141
8 Is It Time to Give Up? 159
Conclusion: Parting Thoughts 169
Notes 175
Index 183
Acknowledgments 189