Private Partsby Howard Stern, John Simons
The #1 bestseller and fastest selling autobiography of all time, Private Parts, will be released on March 14 as a major motion picture from Paramount Pictures and Rysher Entertainment. This is the event Stern's millions of fans have been waiting for. Yes, The King of All Media is back, letting it all hang out in his outrageous new movie. And here is the book that tracks the odyssey. In Private Parts Stern spills his life story, from his dysfunctional beginnings to his unlikely, turbulent rise to super stardom. In the process, he shares his views on everything from foreign policy to fatherhood and Madonna to masturbation, with lots of lesbians in between. No matter whose side you're on -- Cher's "I hate him. He's just a creep," or Stallone's "I love him. I really love him" -- Stern's brutally frank "Don't ask, I'll tell" tome spares no group or institution.
Studded throughout with Howard's favorite photos, pickings from the Hate-Mailbag and illustrations, this is the original, in-your-face manifesto complete with movie art that will once again have fans storming the bookstores...and everyone else running for cover.
- Pocket Books
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- Product dimensions:
- 6.70(w) x 4.20(h) x 1.50(d)
Read an Excerpt
I was driving to work on the Long Island Expressway.
It was mid-morning. Not much traffic. I turned the radio on. About half on hour later, it happened. I put my hand on my pants. I couldn't believe it. I had to pull over.
I pulled over into the shade. Someone one or two car lengths behind me certainly could have seen what I was doing, that's for damn sure! It was the first time I had ever done anything like this before. But the show was making me nuts that morning. I was beating off to a radio call-in show! Here I was in my business suit. I didn't wont to spill my love gunk all over my pants. What the hell could I come on? The only thing I could find was on old leather glove. I grabbed it. The girl was young, and she was being seduced by on older woman.
When she started talking about her 34D breasts and the fact that she was wearing no bra, that really got me turned on.
LISA: I'm a blonde. People tell me I look like Catherine Oxenberg. I have a really good body.
HOWARD STERN: How big are your breasts?
LISA: Thirty-six D, I think.
HOWARD: What do you mean, "I think"?
LISA: I never wear a bra, so I don't know how big I am. I think a D.
HOWARD: What about your waist?
HOWARD: And you really dig lesbian sex?
HOWARD: How old were you when you first had lesbian sex?
HOWARD: Who with, a friend?
LISA: No, my mother's friend.
HOWARD: An older woman seduced you?!
LISA: Yes. She was thirty-two. I was very frightened when it happened but it ended up feeling good.
HOWARD: And you were fully developed ateighteen, were you not?
LISA: Well, yeah, I guess so.
HOWARD: Your breasts were a full D cup, your body had developed, you had hair on your body.
LISA: I sprouted out early.
HOWARD: Do you shave?
LISA: Yes, I do.
HOWARD: You groom very nicely?
HOWARD: Yeah -- close - cropped?
LISA: Yes, very close-cropped.
HOWARD: Are you blond, uh, all over?
LISA: Light brown.
HOWARD: Really. Excellent!
ROBIN: Well, now, let me ask you something. This friend of your mother's, what did she look like?
LISA: Really dark hair. She looks like Demi Moore. With long legs and big breasts and stuff. She was thin and tall. She had a beautiful face.
HOWARD: So your mom was real young when she had you?
HOWARD: So, how did you end up with your mom's friend?
LISA: She would always come into my room and watch me change.
HOWARD: Had she ever seen you nude growing up?
LISA: Yeah, yeah.
HOWARD: Had she seen you nude at eleven, twelve?
LISA: I would say so.
HOWARD: Had she seen you nude at fifteen?
HOWARD: Oh, man, I'm so turned on. I'm aching, that's how horny I am for you because you look like Catherine Oxenberg from "Dynasty." The long blond hair, the perfect body -- perfect. And you've runway modeled. I'm offering you to the lesbian community today. Am I not the greatest friend of the lesbian community? Do lesbians adore Howard Stern? If any o' you friggin' homos say a bad thing about me again, I am going to complain to somebody in the gay organizations. So what were you wearing the day she came over? You were probably in your sleepwear, weren't you?
LISA: No, I was wearing a sundress.
HOWARD: Oh, my God -- I love that! A sundress! God, I'd have fun with you as my girlfriend. You know what I'd do? I'd just put you in different outfits every five minutes. Dress you like a Barbie doll. So there you are, eighteen, you're in high school, your mom's friend comes over, and you're wearing a sundress, with a kind of a low-cut top, short skirt . . .
HOWARD: . . . and you're showing off your beautiful long legs, right? And you're wearing heels?
HOWARD: I can't stand up right now. Do you believe that? Why don't you stand up, Jackie "the Joke Man," [one of my writers]? You big-bellied bastard.
JACKIE: I don't have a hard-on.
HOWARD: Yeah, I don't know what you have. You got a one-inch penis, that's why. You're probably aroused -- no one can see it. All right, anyway -- where were we? So why did your mom's friend come over?
LISA: She was in the clothing business, so she brought a big bag of leather clothes and stuff, and she had this blue leather outfit for me to try on.
HOWARD: So she said, "Hey, this is a great outfit. Do you wanna try it on?"
LISA: Yeah, and I said, "Great." So we went upstairs and . . .
Listening to her first lesbian experience was more arousing than I imagined.
I wanted to come white she was telling the story. I loved Howard's lesbian stories. At least five different guys told me that they jerked off to the show. Especially the lesbian stories.
The story was getting better and better. I stroked and manipulated my shaft, careful not to hit the steering wheel. Careful not to pump too hard. I wanted this to last. I wanted to milk it for all it was worth.
HOWARD: So you go upstairs, you're in your sundress, you go in the room together, and you say, "Hey, I'll try this on. No big deal to try it on in front of her." Now, here you are, with one of the best bodies I've ever seen, and all of a sudden you take off your sundress. Now, under your sundress, are you wearing a bra?
HOWARD: Are they thong panties?
LISA: No, just little white panties.
HOWARD: Little white panties.
LISA: So she said, "Well, why don't you take your clothes off so we can try the dress on?" So I did -- I unzipped my dress in the back, took it off, and put it on the bed. And I took my high heels off.
HOWARD: Mmm-hmm. So you're completely naked except for panties. And then what happened?
LISA: So I tried on the leather dress.
HOWARD: Was it very tight?
LISA: Very tight.
HOWARD: And skimpy?
LISA: It was really nice. And she zipped it up for me, and she looked at me, and she told me, "You look wonderful! You look great!"
HOWARD: And she's holding you when she tells you this?
LISA: No, she was standing behind me. We were looking in the mirror, and she was standing behind me, and looking at me. So I just said, "Thank you very much." And then I started walking toward the bed, to take the dress off, and she followed me, and she kinda like turned me around and sat me down on the bed.
HOWARD (low voice): Talk slow.
LISA: And then she . . . she held me.
HOWARD: She hugged you?
LISA: She put her arms -- yeah.
HOWARD: And you said . . .
LISA: She put her arms around me, you know.
HOWARD: From behind you?
LISA: No, in front of me.
HOWARD: In front of you.
LISA: She sat me down so I was facing her, and she put her arms around me and my face was . . .
HOWARD: . . . close to her . . .
HOWARD: Your face was on her chest?
HOWARD: She held you and hugged you against her chest.
LISA: Yeah. I was very nervous. I didn't know what to do.
HOWARD: Did she kiss you?
LISA: She started caressing me and touching my arms and all.
HOWARD: And it felt good.
LISA: And I started to get aroused.
HOWARD: You got excited.
LISA: Yeah, I did.
HOWARD: You didn't resist.
LISA: Absolutely not.
HOWARD: You didn't say, "Hey, what's going on here? This is very unusual." Nothing.
LISA: No, no. No, I was --
HOWARD: And what did she say?
LISA: There were no words spoken after that.
HOWARD: No words spoken?
LISA: No, no.
HOWARD: She started caressing you, and then she did everything to you.
ROBIN: Did you do anything to her?
Oh man! I was about to come but I held back. I was late for work but I didn't give a shit. I cranked the volume up and closed my eyes.
LISA: She instructed me for about an hour.
HOWARD: Oh, I can picture that. Oh, man! My head's exploding!
LISA: Then she leaned over and kissed my mouth while she gently cupped my breasts.
My penis exploded like a volcano and my hot molten liquid poured into my leather glove, just as Howard said, "Oh, man! My head's exploding!" I threw the glove out the window to destroy the evidence and sped off to work. FUCKIN' HOWARD, RADIO GOD!
Can you believe this? My producer, Gary Dell'Abate (alias Baba gooey), actually knows this guy. And he knows five other guys who beat off to my show! It's a fucking epidemic. Now, when I think of my radio audience, I envision guys driving to work on the expressway, guys who need an opportunity to hear about lesbians.
Lesbianism, let's face it, is a godsend. Every man in the world is totally fascinated by those sisters of Sappho. I know I am. To have two girls doing wild things to each other with me in the sack would be unbelievable. And since I never got to experience any of that because I got happily married so fucking young, I have to do it vicariously.
Everyone loves good lesbian stories.
I had a caller named Jean tell us about her initiation, courtesy of her counselor at Girl Scout camp. Jean was a ripe fourteen at the time and her counselor was seventeen. They started by hanging out on rocks and having long talks.
"You mean you'd start talking about, 'Gee, what if other girls liked other girls?' " I asked.
"No, this was in the days of Donna Reed. We didn't even talk about sexuality per se. I didn't even have the word lesbian in my vocabulary," Jean said.
"I'm getting nervous with this story," I said. "I'm not hearing enough sex stuff."
"You're not giving me a chance!" Jean protested.
"It's a Friday - My audience isn't looking for Oprah," I prodded her. "What did your counselor look like? Was she cute?"
"Stunning," Jean said. "I only went for the good-looking ones. Absolutely gorgeous. She was five-ten, athletic."
"So she just all of a sudden starts kissing you?" I asked.
"I think I started kissing her first. Then we'd find opportunities to get in bed together. We slept in a tent and I had my bunk carefully positioned at the back of the tent, with the flap that faced the woods. She'd sneak out at night, slip up through the back flap, and climb into my bunk," Jean said.
"Were the other campers there?" I wondered.
"Yeah! The other five Girl Scouts were sleeping," Jean said.
"Wow!" I marveled.
"Yeah, and we'd fondle and pet and . . ."
"I'm never sending my kids to camp," I said.
"Years later, my mom said if she'd known that that's what I was going to camp for, she never would have sent me," Jean laughed.
"Hey Alison, if you're listening, chain the kids to bed," I warned my wife.
"It was like Club Med," Jean went on. "I had two counselors at one time the following year. I did it in a church with a counselor. There was a chapel out in the woods and we did it in the church on an overnight."
"Lesbians -- Oh, I love lesbians! I love lesbians!" I ranted.
Copyright © 1993, 1994 One Twelve Inc.
Meet the Author
Since Private Parts is an autobiography we thought we'd let Howard sum it all up in his own words:
My Secret of Life Why doesn't everyone behave? Life is really so simple. Let me tell you the secret of life. You learn it young. The problem is after I give people the secret of life, they say, "Howard, that's not such a big secret." I know how they feel. It's like the end of an Ingmar Bergman movie. He takes you through hell and then at the end, all of a sudden, he says, "The secret of life is strawberries and cream." What the hell is he talking about? I just sat through three hours of boredom to find out that life is strawberries and cream? That rat bastard, I'd like to take his Swedish ass and throw it out the window. I went through a chess game with Death to find out that life is strawberries and cream?
You want the secret of life? Here it is: You wake up in the morning. You eat a little breakfast, maybe read the newspaper. You attempt to go to school if you're that age. If your teacher tells you to sit in the chair, you sit in the chair. If you don't feel like it, you force yourself, anyway. You get older, the routine doesn't change. You eat breakfast, you go to work, you come home. If you're lucky enough, you're married. If you're not, then maybe you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. You yell at your wife, you make up with your wife. If your testicles feel all right, you bang your wife. You watch a video you rented or maybe you go out to the movies.
Then you go home to your bedroom, you mellow out a little bit. If you're the late Sam Kinison you take a schnapps. Then maybe you get a snack, have some strawberries and cream, and wash it down with a Snapple. Then yousnore away for eight hours, you wake up, and you do it all over again. You wait for the weekend, that's your party, the weekend. The secret of life is so simple. That's life. If you have kids, you live with the kids. You don't move out on your wife. You stay with her even if you've banged her nine thousand times and you're sick of it. You stay with her anyway. Nobody follows that. They don't realize that's the secret to life. When you've got kids, you raise them.
The secret of life, in one cliche, if I may sum it up for you, is: ENJOY, EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING. Stop looking for a big bang, stop looking for some kind of excitement. And if you can't go along with these rules, you're a misfit. Expect to be beaten by the police. It's like going on a diet. The secret to losing weight is to keep your big fat trap shut.
"But I got to have butter on my potato or I can't eat it." I'll put you in a concentration camp for one week, and you'll eat a potato without butter. It'll taste like ice cream to you.
"The secret to life is so simple," I declared on my show. "The reason I am announcing this secret is that perhaps one of the maniacs who is stealing a radio right now might accidentally tune to me and say, 'Uh oh, I'm about to get the secret of life.' To him it would be profound."
Then Robin complained that my secret to life was too honest. I didn't make it appetizing enough for the listeners.
Okay. Let me make it appetizing. If you follow the secret of life as Howard Stern expresses it, guess what will happen to you? You won't be beaten by the police. You won't be in jail. And you won't have to riot. You'll be perfectly happy.
That still wasn't good enough for Robin.
"You gotta say life will be sweet and all the rewards of the world will be yours," she said. "Lie, Howard."
I thought about it for a second.
"You're right, Robin, I should lie. I should tell all the rioters this secret of life. I hope they're tuned in. Here's the secret of life: Jump into a tub, get yourself wet. Put your finger in an electrical socket. That's the secret of life, you retards."
Copyright © 1993, 1994 One Twelve Inc.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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If you're a Howard Stern fan, you do not want to miss reading this book. Great photos & lots of scoop on his life.
THIS BOOK WAS SOOOOOO FUNNY!! I LISTEN TO HOWARD STERNS RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING AND AM A BIG FAN OF HIS.
Howard Stern's frank, revealing and often times hilarious look at his rise to prominence in the corporate-controlled world of radio. A very entertaining read--not for the prudish.
It was unbelievable, I was away on business and finally decided to read Private Parts. I enjoy Stern in the morning and found the book very pleasant to read. It brought back memories of my youth, especially the gas stories. I read it on a plane and was laughing hysterically that I nearly wet my pants. Its a humorous must read.
(fan)tastic, a must have, talk about funny, well you haven't read anything until you read private parts, love him or *^%#* wait you'll love this book!
If Howard Stern rules the world will he be a good leader owing to his undaunted laxity or a leader with nothing new to offer but stern values? His own Autobiography Private Parts gives clue if ever he achieves such dominion. A self-proclaimed America's King of Radio, Stern rose from obscurity to ambuigity or the other way or which way would you like it, by filling in America's ears with lots of bile and enigma. America has never been treated with an earful of expletives and neurotic behavior. With this approach to radio broadcasting Stern has acquired a multitude of avid fans and never forget a massive number of detractors. Noone has ever dared capture the taste of the American people - such bleeding emotional contortions are the elements that set Stern as a unique voice too loud to be heard. Stern has given lesbians the voice and avenue they need to be heard, but it had gone beyond the boundaries of broadcasting that it has become too provocative and innate. Stern is America's psychosexual, megalomaniac with the catatonic-neurotic abnormalities regarded but high in standards and appeal. Even one of the leading writers/thinkers in the mainstream American Literature Camille Paglia has expressed mixed review of Stern. Said she on the book: 'He's completely anarchic outside the establishment... constantly attacking sacred cows.' But continued with a praise, 'He's also genuinely funny.' Humor, perhaps, was Stern's program output; and generated a handsome plum, both in the good side as well as bad. As America's most controversial radio host, Stern has also set lewd undertakings in this book with pictures and caricatures to boot. Think of it - Stern with Playboy and Penthouse pets in suggestive poses and achieves the structure of provocativeness that stings within (read between the lines). Not even his parents were spared. He said that he was raised 'like a veal,' with a mother that had the 'intensity of Hitler' which he suggested contributed to his growing up as an 'obsessive-compulsive, anal-retentive, miserable neurotic.' He has no real stern words, however, on his father whom he described as a 'no-nonsense guy who has guided me in my career and stood by me no matter what. He loves me, but he was tough on me.' But understood why his father acted that way -'because his dad had been real hard on him, too.' Stern tells all about his life, his passion and his quirks - unabashedly, though he did not directly said that he had a rectal prolapse when he was small. A self-confessed monogamous entity after he got married, Stern graduated magna cum laude with 3.8 average grades in Boston University School of Communication major in Broadcasting and Film with minors in Speech and English. One could speculate that he has gone beyond his genius and was in search for a new form of self-expression. Stern hopped from one radio station to another with various reasons at hand - from austere managers to hostile competitors to intrepid listeners. But the most perceptive fact that clings to the readers is Stern's value for unique _expression, to be competitive and to be No. 1 in radio broadcasting, by hook or by crook. His partner, Robin Quivers, a nurse by profession, has miraculously mustered Stern's odd behaviours but shares her part in the show in the book. Stern's wife, Alison, also fell victim to his ill-humor, making fun of his wife's miscarriage which almost beat out their marriage if not for the genius of Stern to win her back. His wife worked as a psychiatric social worker and consequently tells him about the patients in such institution which he copies for the show. His wife's trade of work, he said, has given him a 'fertile source of material.' The books offers sections on celebrities he has interviewed and lambasted and wrecked from their 'novice' world. He spared noone, vehimently been copied by other host. One section gave a thrust : Stern's list of least favorite peo
His book is no better than his TV show was, or his indecent Radio show; I hope the FCC puts this sexual bad literature out of business. He talkes about everything under the sun in his own outrageous porn mind. We wonder why kids have dirty minds, books like this, and parents buying this indecent porn, the kids read it you know.