Relentless

Relentless

by D. Nicole Arrieta

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Overview

Relentless by D. Nicole Arrieta

Relentless is so far, about my life. It is about my struggles, and my pain, and my triumphs, and my joy. It is about the way God has relentlessly pursued me to give in to Him. This book started out as a way to find myself. And to escape the pain I so often felt from feeling worthless. But, along the way, I lost myself, but, found God. And that, to me, is so much better than my original plan. I was running from a Savior who was relentless pursuing me all for something that left me feeling worthless. And, this book, and the poetry that is in this book, reflects my journey to love.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781468598360
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Publication date: 06/18/2012
Pages: 120
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.28(d)

Read an Excerpt

relentless

poetry
By d. nicole arrieta

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 D. Nicole Arrieta
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4685-9836-0


Chapter One

Beginning

Let's go back to the beginning. Where we were innocent and hopeful. When the world hadn't reared its ugly head and tortured us till we were cynical. Let's go back when I was just me, and you were just you, and we were just we. Let's go back to before. Before the cares of this world choked us and we were left gasping for air. Let's go back to when the world was new and vibrant and every little thing left us wanting more. Let's go back to when we were curiouser and curiouser and when we were much muchier. Let's go back to the beginning. Because the end will be the death of us.

    (Me)


    I'm scared to let you in,
    Because if I do, you
    May see
      My fears.
      My doubts.
      My mistakes.
    And if you know the real me,
    You may not want me.
    I'm
      Insecure.
      Selfish.
      Spiteful.
    Everything you don't desire.
    I can't let you in, because
    If I do, you may see
    (me.)


    Backstabbed


    Do you hear that?
      It's my heart breaking.
    Do you see that?
      It's my soul crying.
    Don't fool yourself into thinking this is not your fault.
    I see the imprint of the knife handle
      In the palm of your hand.
    Oops, it looks like you left it in my back.


    Bliss

    The sun caresses my skin
    And the wind blows my hair,
    The smell of daisies fills my nose,
    And the song of the birds reaches my ears.
    Oh, life is good.


    Mother's Song

    I could always count on your arms to hold me.
    They were there when I was scared of the dark,
    And when I skinned my knee.
    I knew that they would forever be open for me.
    And now that I'm older and no longer afraid of the dark,
    I know that your arms are still open;
    Just for different fears.
    I want to thank you for holding me when I'm scared of the future, and
      what it holds.
    But, just knowing that I have a mom with her arms wide open, it
      makes the future a little more bearable.
    Thank you Mama, for always holding me.


    Attack of the Heart

    My heart hurts.
    It pounds painfully in my chest.
    I can't seem to stop crying.
    I wish I knew what was causing this pain.
    But I don't have the energy to figure out this enigma.
    I rest my head in my arms
    And wish away the pain.
    It's not working.
    And all I have is this hole in my chest,
    That used to be my heart.


    Rise of the Sun

    It was breathtaking.
    My breath hitched,
    And I took it all in.
    It rose majestically from the east,
    And all the darkness fled.
    It sat upon the mountaintop,
    Proclaiming its presence.
    Its rising took away all my fears.
    Just seeing it, in all its glory,
    Brought me peace.
    The sunrise today,
    Was definitely worth waking up for.


    Oblivion

    Avert thine eyes from mine.
    For I fear if you look too close,
    You will see my hand longs to
    Reach out and clasp yours;
    And that my lips long to be kissed.
    Please, if you do not want to see,
    Then, will you please, for my sake,
    Look away.


    Repentance

    Just wrap your arms around me,
    And hold me as I cry.
    Tell me that you still love me,
    Even when I've lied.

    My heart is slowly breaking,
    And I've got nowhere else to go.
    Please, just soothe my soul from aching,
    And I'll let my tears flow.

    Oh, God, I don't know what to do.
    I just need Your love
    I need You, God.
    I've been so stupid, ignoring You.
    You're the only one who matters.
    Lord, give me more of You.


    Wishful Thinking

    I know you.
    I know your smile.
    And the way you tap your fingers.
    The way your eyes twinkle,
    And the way you brush your hair.
    I know when you're mad,
    And when you've had a bad day.
    I know when you find something funny,
    And when you find someone annoying.
    I know the sound of your laugh,
    And the sound of your silence.
    I know when you're lying,
    And when you're telling the truth.
    I know the yearnings of your soul,
    And the cries from within.
    I know you.
    I just wish you knew me.


    Solomon, In All His
    Glory, Was Not Arrayed
    Like One Of These


    The way the flower yearns for the rays of the sun,
    So my heart yearns for the touch of your hands.


    The Downfall of Echoes

    The pain of not knowing haunted her.
    Without this knowledge, she felt unbearably empty.
    She felt as if she had known before,
    But she could not remember.
    Desperation clung to her like second skin,
    And those who were able, smelled it upon her.
    They surrounded her like a cloud of darkness,
    And by her own might, she could not prevail.
    She had to treasure the knowledge like a precious gem
    To triumph over those who sought her demise.
    Unfortunately, for her, she had lost the key to victory
    In the dark depths of her soul.
    She cried out for wisdom, and yearned for peace.
    But her tears were not the answer.
    The key to her victory was to know who she was,
    But she forgot, and forgetting who she was,
    Became the death of her.


    Mistaken Path

    The perilous road before me,
    Overridden with thorns and bushes,
    Taunts me with echoes of past mistakes.
    Derision flows freely from those who
    Have walked the path before me,
    And my courage starts to fail.
    I feign strength as I continue my path,
    But the tears from my eyes reveal
    The deceit and the turmoil within.
    Rocks and branches are thrown at me,
    And I collapse from the strain of the blows.
    My hands catch my fall, and the blood
    Flows freely from the cuts I have acquired.
    My legs are weak, and my eyes reveal the despair within.
    I question my choice of the path, and curse my stupidity.
    But I continue on, and lose pieces of my soul with each step.
    Why do I continue this walk when I know death awaits?
    When the truth is so close to my grasp?


    Sparrow Sorrow

    Exhausted.
    Wearied.
    Worn.
    None of these words seem to describe the utter weariness I feel.
    It consumes me to no end, and no amount of sleep will cure me.
    I fear my exhaustion stems from my soul, not my body,
    And I am terrified of the remedy.
    I would rather endure the emotional pain,
    Than to seek out the One who cures all ailment.
    But, I find comfort in my exhaustion.
    It's familiar to me.
    It's been with me for so long,
    That I can't imagine life without it.


    Motion Picture

    I can't shake this feeling;
    Like I'm looking at my life through a movie.
    I'm me, but I'm not in control of my decisions, thoughts and ideas.
    I'm just a puppet, being moved by an unknown puppeteer.
    I catch glimpses of my former self;
    Quick glances that show the original.
    But now, I've become a flawed copy of who I'm supposed to be.
    As I catch these glimpses,
    I am yanked back, my thoughts erased,
    As I continue to be someone else.
    My outside form matches the before,
    But my inside self quickly reveals the after.
    I am a shell of my former self,
    And I do not realize;
    Or understand,
    The consequences of the choices that have led me here.


    Soundless Weeping

    It's gripping me,
    Pulling me taut.
    The ropes burn my wrists,
    And they create friction.
    I cannot see thanks to the blindfold.
    Darkness.
    Darkness and silence surround me.
    My breath is coming more frequently,
    And the pain in my chest is expanding.
    It's growing quickly, and suddenly.
    So fast my heart cannot take the swell.
    I cry out
    From fear and terror.
    But no one hears.
    I am a prisoner in my own body;
    A slave to the frame that keeps me tied up.
    I cannot escape,
    For how do you escape yourself?


    Mirror Shame

    I look in the mirror
    And I'm ashamed at what I see.
    My eyes are not the same,
    And there is an obscurity that wasn't there before.
    My eyes are indistinct and vague.
    You cannot see the clarity that was there before.
    I have become an after, and I am not satisfied with the finished product.
    I am ashamed that my eyes have darkness in their gaze.
    A knowledge that wasn't there before.
    I am mortified of who I've become.


    Ocean Trinkets

    I collect pain like some people collect seashells.
    I place it in the deepest part of my heart to keep it safe.
    I fear that if I show my collection to anyone,
    They would try and get rid of it.
    But I don't want that.
    My pain comforts me when I need it to.
    It is as familiar to me as my own body.
    It has become my second skin.
    I can't imagine my life without it.
    Truly, I don't want to imagine it.
    I never want to get rid of my pain,
    For the day I do,
    I know I will have to heal.


    Midnight Prayers

    My mind is restless tonight.
    Although my body yearns for rest, sleep does not come.
    My eyes are growing heavy with fatigue,
    Yet my soul is keeping me awake.
    I long for solitude,
    And I crave peace.
    But the night is villainous,
    And I cannot find the answer I seek.
    I am fatigued beyond belief,
    But I deny myself the pleasure of peace.
    For I am haunted by my nightmares and plagued by my dreams.
    Lord, give me the peace I so desire.
    Let me rest my soul in Your presence.
    Soothe my fears, and give me rest.


    Hope for Dawn

    I fear the light because it shows my evil desires,
    I cannot hide from it, because it follows my every move.
    I am ashamed of my darkness,
    Yet I despise the truth the light shows.
    I yearn for the day when my soul is once again pure,
    And the day when I no longer fear the light, but await it.


    Country Praise

    The city lights bright up the sky.
    They steadily light its habitat.
    But the country is dark, like a cave.
    Except for mischievous stars twinkling in the sky.
    And although the city has a lot to offer,
    My heart will always long for those stars in the sky,
    That light up my life with love.


    Infatuation

    You have captured my heart.
    I don't know when this happened;
    I just know it did.
    My thoughts are consumed by you,
    And I yearn for your touch.
    But, it seems I have not captured yours.
    This infatuation is one-sided,
    And my heart breaks when your smile is not directed at me.
    I cannot sleep with you always on my mind,
    And when I do, my dreams are plagued by you.
    Please, I beg you, if my feelings are not returned,
    Release me from your bewitchment.
    I need to be free.
    Just set me free.


    Swooshing Soul

    The discarded paper flies into the wind,
    And as I watch its ascension, I am filled with such sorrow.
    For that discarded paper is an echo of my soul.
    My soul has no stable ground; it is forever floating, never immobile.
    Every time a wind blows, my soul once again takes flight.
    I wish for nothing more, than to rest my soul,
    Yet I listen to the lies my carnal flesh longs to hear.
    And each time a lie reaches my ear,
    Swoosh! My soul flies once more.


    All Nights End;
    Except Lonely Ones


    Nights are always the loneliest.
    I toss and turn from twelve to five. I wake up in the morning exhausted.
    It's always the night that my loneliness creeps into my pores.
    It fills me from my toes, to the strands of my hair.
    Nights are always the hardest.
    The darkness calls to my lonely heart,
    And each night, my lonely heart answers.
    It is always at night that I open my fears.
    The only thing to comfort me,
    Is the lie I tell myself
    That all night's end;
    Especially the lonely ones.


    Winter Delight

    The winter breeze flows over my skin,
    And teases my hair.
    The sun is shining this winter day,
    And its light fills my heart with happiness.
    My smile consumes my face,
    And I am content this winter day.
    I stuff my hands in my pockets,
    As I walk through town.
    My scarf flies in the wind,
    And my cheeks are now rosy with the cold.
    As I tilt my face to the shining sun,
    And I let the breeze play with my hair,
    I sigh with joy,
    On this beautiful winter day.


    Musings

    The sun shines above,
    And I lift my face so I may bask in its warmth.
    I have been in the cold far too long,
    And I yearn for the day.
    Let the coldness inside me depart,
    And may the warmth of the light shine through me,
    Because the light is so much better than the dark.


    Song of Solomon 5:8

    I want to feel your warmth
    Next to me on cold nights.
    And to feel your reassuring hug
    When I am scared.
    I want you next to me once again,
    Because I don't feel safe anymore.
    Please, hear my soundless cry,
    And return to me once more.


    Prayers from a Mourner

    Lord, take away my sorrow
    And heal all my pain.
    My heart aches,
    And my soul yearns.
    Give me Your healing touch
    And show me Your love.
    I long for nothing more than You
    And to feel Your healing presence.


    Yesterday's Dreams

    The sun has lost its brightness
      And the moon its luster.
    The rose does not smell as sweet,
      And the sparrow has lost its song.
    The colors have faded,
      And everything is gray.
    The laughter has ceased,
      And the tears will not stop.
    The brilliance of the morning
      No longer enthralls.
    And the day
      Has become burdensome.
    I despise the tomorrows,
      Because you are living in my yesterdays.


    Observation of Torture

    It begins in my bones.
    Then, slowly it moves through my muscles,
    Manifesting anguish through every layer.
    My blood screams in baffled anticipation
    And my veins thump in triumph.
    My heart and soul ache for the innocent I once was,
    But I am forever changed.
    I mourn the person I once was,
    And detest who I am becoming.
    I long for days of old,
    And I survive in my memories.
    I don't know who I'm becoming,
    All I know is the anticipation of anguish that beckons me.


    Echoes

    I don't know you, she says.
    Of course you do, I've been with you since the beginning.
    I don't recognize you, she states.
    Yes, you do! Don't you remember?
    I don't remember you, she says softly.
    Yes, yes you do! I'm always with you!
    Tears fill her eyes as she looks up once more and says despairingly,
    I don't know you.
    Sorrow fills my heart and pain reaches into every corner of my soul.
    When did this happen? I lament.
    When did I cease to recognize? She moans.
    Agony fills her eyes, and agony fills mine.
    When did I cease to recognize? She moans into the mirror.


    Wrath Disguised

    It fills my chest, tightening it,
    Making it hard to breathe (to see)
    It is slowly consuming my senses,
    And my hands are shaking (uncontrollably)
    This band across my heart,
    Smothers my chest (entirely)
    I cannot speak, I cannot breathe, I cannot see.
    For it has taken over (rage)
    I let it linger,
    Toying with the idea of setting it (free)
    Instead, I take a few deep breaths,
    And hide it; behind my (smile)


    Momentary Peace

    For a moment, I am where I am supposed to be;
    Surrounded by Your love. I am filled with awe.
    Awe of Your unending grace and mercy.
    For a moment, my eyes fill with tears, and my heart fills with
      thanksgiving.
    Overflowing with emotion.
    For a moment, everything is perfect.
    But only for a moment.


    Semantics

    My eyes scan the horizon,
    And I pull my sweater closer as the cool breeze washes over me.
    I close my eyes and take a deep breath:
    I wish you were here with me.
    I wish your eyes could see what mine are.
    You would appreciate the beauty that surrounds me.
    I pause as that thought stops me.
    This earthly beauty is nothing compared to the magnificent purity
      you are seeing.
    Streets of gold, gates of pearl, our Heavenly Father.
    You don't miss this world.
    The beauty of this world pales in comparison to the glory of
      Heaven.
    My sun dims in the luminescent presence of the Son you see.
    The beauty I so wish you saw; is already fading into the inevitable
      darkness.
    There is no darkness where you are.
    The Son is your light. He is your beauty.
    I wish I was with you.
    I wish my eyes could see what yours are.


    The Waltz

    Our eyes dance to the flirtatious song,
    My eyes graze yours, then, they dart away.
    Yours hold my gaze longer, trying to capture mine,
    And when my eyes meet yours; my heart stops.
    But you don't like what you see.
    You turn and never look back.
    But my eyes cannot look away.
    I still want to dance.


    Dinner Conversation

    What is life but the arrival of death?
    Every breath, every day, brings us closer to our demise.
    We are nothing more than shadows chasing light.


    He's not safe, but He's good

    If the words I speak are not Yours,
      Make me mute.
    If what I am hearing is not from You,
      Make me deaf.
    If the path I am walking is not toward You,
      Make me lame.
    If the life I am living is not for You,
      Give me death.


    Unknown Wanderings

    The road is stretched before me:
    A continuous trail that is everlasting.
    I look back on my journey so far,
    And it is riddled with:
    Pain, joy, failures, achievements, laughter, and tears.
    I take a moment to relive it all
    And take a step back as if to experience my memories once more.
    But I am incapable of doing so.
    I can only travel ahead, and not behind.
    I sigh in frustration.
    I am terrified of the path in front of me
    And I fear the unknown.
    I have two options:
    Continue on, or stay where I am;
    The unknown or the familiar.
    I breathe in and summon my courage
    As I put one foot in front of the other
    And continue my journey.
    If I could only discern if I chose right.


    Astray Feelings

    I would like to walk in a straight path but I get sidetracked,
    And I lose sight of where I'm going,
    I get lost in the path that has turned rocky,
    And the path I was originally travelling; has vanished.
    I try to find the way back,
    But it's no use.
    I've now lost my way completely.
    I can't get back to my original starting place.
    I need to go back,
    But I just don't know my way back to the straight path.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from relentless by d. nicole arrieta Copyright © 2012 by D. Nicole Arrieta. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Contents

Beginning....................1
(Me)....................2
Backstabbed....................3
Bliss....................5
Mother's Song....................6
Attack of the Heart....................7
Rise of the Sun....................8
Oblivion....................9
Repentance....................10
Wishful Thinking....................11
Solomon, In All His Glory, Was Not Arrayed Like One Of These....................12
The Downfall of Echoes....................13
Mistaken Path....................15
Sparrow Sorrow....................16
Motion Picture....................17
Soundless Weeping....................18
Mirror Shame....................19
Ocean Trinket....................s20 Midnight Prayers....................21
Hope for Dawn....................22
Country Praise....................23
Infatuation....................24
Swooshing Soul....................25
All Nights End; Except Lonely Ones....................26
Winter Delight....................27
Musings....................28
Song of Solomon 5:8....................29
Prayers from a Mourner....................30
Yesterday's Dreams....................31
Observation of Torture....................32
Echoes....................33
Wrath Disguised....................34
Momentary Peace....................35
Semantics....................36
The Waltz....................37
Dinner Conversation....................38
He's not safe, but He's good....................39
Unknown Wanderings....................41
Astray Feelings....................42
Midnight Solitude....................43
Kidnapping the Moon....................44
37....................45
18....................46
Tilt-A-Whirl....................47
Proof of Existence....................48
Plastic Doll....................49
Content Deceit....................50
Lost Land....................51
Wonderful Downfall....................52
Untitled....................53
Healing Rain....................54
Untitled....................55
Renamed....................56
Woeful Reflection....................57
Deliverance....................58
Asking for Joy....................59
Picturesque....................61
The Wind....................62
House of Mirrors....................63
Awe[full]....................65
Empty Shell....................66
You....................68
Yanked....................69
Before/After....................71
This Day the Lord Will Deliver You Up Into My Hands....................72
Weep....................73
Empathy....................74
Offering Me....................75
Moniker....................76
Opus....................77
"My Grace is Sufficient for You"....................78
Pandorica....................79
Save Me From Myself....................80
Ignorance is Bliss....................81
Redemption....................82
Lust of the Flesh, the Lust of the Eyes, and the Pride of Life....................83
Self-Centered Pain....................84
Donut Hole....................85
Never Let Me Go....................86
Healing....................87
Let Light Shine out of the Darkness....................88
Perhaps....................89
Summer Renewal....................90
Forgotten....................91
Reclaiming Me....................93
The Revelation....................94
Veritas....................95
Bereavement....................97
A Shadow and a Threat have been growing in my Mind....................98
Let's Take a Moment and Breathe....................99
Philophobia....................100
Untitled....................102
Pursuing Peace....................103
I Gave In, and Admitted that God was God....................104
Cleanse Your Hands, Purify Your Hearts....................105
Vile wrapped in Beauty....................106
Fools for Christ's Sake....................107
Hear my Prayer, O Lord....................108
Relentless....................109

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