The diaries of a remarkable young woman who was determined to live a meaningful and happy life despite her struggle with cystic fibrosis and a rare superbug—from age fifteen to her death at the age of twenty-five
“Captures the heartbreaking beauty of being alive.”—Beck Dorey-Stein, New York Times bestselling author of From the Corner of the Oval
Diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at the age of three, Mallory Smith grew up to be a determined, talented young woman who inspired others even as she privately raged against her illness. Despite the daily challenges of endless medical treatments and a deep understanding that she’d never lead a normal life, Mallory was determined to “Live Happy,” a mantra she followed until her death. Mallory worked hard to make the most out of the limited time she had, graduating Phi Beta Kappa from Stanford University, becoming a cystic fibrosis advocate well known in the CF community, and embarking on a career as a professional writer. Along the way, she cultivated countless intimate friendships and ultimately found love.
For more than ten years, Mallory recorded her thoughts and observations about struggles and feelings too personal to share during her life, leaving instructions for her mother to publish her work posthumously. She hoped that her writing would offer insight to those living with, or loving someone with, chronic illness.
What emerges is a powerful and inspiring portrait of a brave young woman and blossoming writer who did not allow herself to be defined by disease. Her words offer comfort and hope to readers, even as she herself was facing death. Salt in My Soul is a beautifully crafted, intimate, and poignant tribute to a short life well lived—and a call for all of us to embrace our own lives as fully as possible.
Advance praise for Salt in My Soul
“This is a deeply moving book full of wisdom about health, life, and love—and about the importance of finding happiness wherever and whenever we can. It broke my heart but also inspired me to make the most of every day.”—Will Schwalbe, New York Times bestselling author of The End of Your Life Book Club
“A beautiful, brave, unsparingly insightful account of a courageous girl who becomes a woman warrior and fights for her life while living it fully.”—Eric Lax, author of The Mold in Dr. Florey’s Coat
About the Author
Mallory Smith, who grew up in Los Angeles, was a freelance writer and editor specializing in environmental issues, social justice, and healthcare-related communications. She graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Stanford University and worked as a senior producer at Green Grid Radio, an environmental storytelling radio show and podcast. Her radio work was featured on KCRW, National Radio Project, and State of the Human. She was a fierce advocate for those who suffered from cystic fibrosis, launching the viral social media campaign Lunges4Lungs with friends and raising over $5 million with her parents for CF research through the annual Mallory’s Garden event. She died at the age of twenty-five on November 15, 2017, two months after receiving a double-lung transplant. Mallory’s Legacy Fund has been established in her memory at the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.
Read an Excerpt
I could title my memoir Ode to Salt since salt is part and parcel of the cystic fibrosis experience. Broken proteins lead to an imbalance of salt inside and out of the cells. If you kiss or lick the skin of a CF-er, you’ll get a firsthand taste, literally, of how fundamental salt is to the disease. CF patients lose so much salt in our sweat that we can get water intoxication from drinking normal water unless we add salt to our water and our food. And salty water helps counteract some of the worst symptoms of the disease. I’ve noticed the healing effects of salt water since I was a little girl, swimming in the ocean in Southern California and on the many, many family trips we took to Hawaii for my health. I feel as if there’s salt in my soul. —Mallory Smith
I have big dreams and big goals. But also big limitations, which means I’ll never reach the big goals unless I have the wisdom to recognize the chains that bind me. Only then will I be able to figure out a way to work within them instead of ignoring them or naively wishing they’ll cease to exist. I’m on a perennial quest to find balance. Writing helps me do that.
To quote Neruda: Tengo que acordarme de todos, recoger las briznas, los hilos del acontecer harapiento (I have to remember everything, collect the wisps, the threads of untidy happenings). That line is ME. But my memory is slipping and that’s one of the scariest aspects about all this. How can I tell my story, how can I create a narrative around my life, if I can’t even remember the details?
But I do want to tell my story, and so I write.
I write because I want my parents to understand me. I write to leave something behind for them, for my brother Micah, for my boyfriend Jack, and for my extended family and friends, so I won’t just end up as ashes scattered in the ocean and nothing else.
Curiously, the things I write in my journal are almost all bad: the letdowns, the uncertainties, the anxieties, the loneliness. The good stuff I keep in my head and heart, but that proves an unreliable way of holding on because time eventually steals all memories—and if it doesn’t completely steal them, it distorts them, sometimes beyond recognition, or the emotional quality accompanying the moment just dissipates.
Many of the feelings I write about are too difficult to share while I’m alive, so I am keeping everything in my journal password-protected until the end. When I die I want my mom to edit these pages to ensure they are acceptable for publication— culling through years of writing, pulling together what will resonate, cutting references that might be hurtful. My hope is that my writing will offer insight for people living with, or loving someone with, chronic illness.
Cystic fibrosis is a chronic genetic illness that affects many parts of the body. It operates like this: A defective protein caused by the cystic fibrosis mutation interrupts the flow of salt in and out of cells, causing the mucus that’s naturally present in healthy people to become dehydrated, thick, and viscous. This sticky mucus builds up in the lungs, pancreas, and other organs, causing problems with the respiratory, digestive, reproductive, endocrine, and other systems. In the lungs, the mucus creates a warm and welcoming environment for deadly bacteria like Pseudomonas aeruginosa and Burkholderia cepacia. The vicious cycle of infection, inflammation, and scarring that comes from the combination of viscous mucus and ineradicable bacteria leads to respiratory failure, the most common cause of death in cystic fibrosis patients.
It’s progressive, with no cure, which means it gets worse over time. The rate of progression varies from patient to patient, and is often out of our control
Cystic fibrosis is a disease that does a lot of taking—of dreams, of time, of travel, of friendships, of freedom, of potential, of plans, of lives.
Sitting in a hospital bed, I’m tempted to think about all the things that have been taken from me. More than that, it’s easy to think about all the things I want for my future that might no longer be possible, the will-be-takens.
I was diagnosed at the age of three. As a kid, I made plans; I loved getting in bed at night because I had the opportunity to fantasize uninterrupted about whatever I was excited about. Some of what I thought about had to do with the future: where I would choose to live later in life, places I wanted to travel to, what I might be like as a teenager and then as an adult. Mostly, I envisioned other parts of the world—back then, anywhere was better than Los Angeles. The foreign always transcended the familiar. The unknown was brimming with possibility, while the known was full in a less satisfying way; like a big glass of a clumpy protein shake, you know it’s good for you but it doesn’t rock your world: daily routines, school days spent reading textbooks, long medical treatments I didn’t want to do. As Dr. Seuss says, “You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so . . . get on your way!” I believed wholeheartedly in those great places to come.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
This is one of the most inspirational books I’ve read in a long time. Mallory is an incredible young woman and her story touched me at a time when I was suffering from some heath issues and needed a pick me up. Amidst the sadness of loosing such a gifted spirit, committing herself to writing has allowed her to transcend time and place. Her mother, Diane, is to be commended for this great presentation of her daughter’s own story, which embraces life, family, friends all along her joirney.
This is a very special book culled from the journals of Mallory Smith, a cystic fibrosis patient who died at the age of 25 in November 2017. As her father Mark said at her memorial, from a little girl he knew Mallory was an old soul. She was extremely intelligent, and they shared a love of reading and would have buddy reads together. When Mallory was 9 she suddenly refused to perform her daily cystic fibrosis treatments. Dad came home from work early and confronted her honestly: "Mallory, your mother and I do not ask you to do your treatments so you'll feel better. We do not ask you to do them so you won't get sick. We ask you to do them so you won't die. If you don't do your treatments...you will die." Since that day she never refused treatment. Her writing is exquisite; Mallory was clearly meant to be a writer. When she graduated Stanton University, she took on some part-time writing jobs because of the time limitations of managing her illness. She always meant to write a book of her own. However, in the end, her journal of ten years amounting to 2,500 pages wound up becoming a gift to her grieving family, friends and the world. She never let her parents read a word of it until she went in for her lung transplant operation. She finally gave the document password to her mother Diane (in case she didn't survive the surgery). Diane opened Mallory's journal on the day of her daughter's memorial, hoping to find something she could share. Upon reading it, Diane realized that her daughter had left her an unexpected and most precious gift. Mallory left instructions to edit out anything that would be hurtful to someone, violate a confidence, or reveal intimate details of her romantic life. Otherwise, she hoped that her words would help people enduring the many challenges of CF. She also fretted deeply about her family dealing with the grief of losing a daughter and a sister. She left a "WHEN I DIE" note thanking her parents for everything they did for her to keep her alive and happy. Mallory was a California girl who loved surfing. She vacationed in Hawaii often, finding the environment particularly therapeutic. As Mallory explains in her journals, salt is a crucial part of the cystic fibrosis condition. There is an imbalance of salt in and outside of the cells due to broken proteins. CF patients lose a great deal of salt in their sweat. She warmly recalls swimming in the Southern California and Hawaiian oceans for her health and muses that "there's salt in my soul." Mallory shows a maturity beyond her years in her writing, a fact which mom Diane attributes to the realities of her illness. Mallory has a grasp for the minute details of her medical condition. She explains in great detail the hours of each day taken up by CF treatment. She is susceptible to bacteria so everything must be clean. She endures fevers, stomach problems, shortness of breath, spitting up large amounts of blood...to name several of her CF symptoms. However, through it all Mallory never waivers from living her life to the fullest, and lighting up the lives of everyone around her. This was made very clear by the people who spoke about Mallory at her memorial which can be seen on YouTube. Thank you to Random House which provided an advance reader copy via NetGalley.