Scattering Ashes: A Memoir of Letting Go

by Joan Z. Rough

Overview

When her alcoholic and emotionally abusive mother’s health declines, Joan Rough invites her to move in with her. Rough longs to be the “good daughter,” helping her narcissistic mother face the reality of her coming death. But when repressed memories of childhood abuse by her mother arise, Rough is filled with deep resentment and hatred toward the woman who birthed her, and her dream of mending their tattered relationship shatters. Seven years later, when her mother dies, she is left with a plastic bag of her mother’s ashes and a diagnosis of PTSD. What will she do with them?
Courageous and unflinchingly honest, Scattering Ashes is a powerful chronicle of letting go of a loved one, a painful past, and fear―a journey that will bring hope to others who grapple with the pain and repercussions of abuse.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781631520952
Publisher:	She Writes Press
Publication date:	09/20/2016
Pages:	256
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Joan Z. Rough is a visual artist, poet, and nonfiction writer. Her poems have been published in a variety of journals, and are included in the anthology Some Say Tomato, edited by Mariflo Stephens. Her first book, Australian Locker Hooking: A New Approach to a Traditional Craft, was published in 1980. Her blog can be found at www.joanzrough.com.

Table of Contents

Preface 1

Chapter 1 Mourning Dove 5

Chapter 2 The Beginning of the End 11

Chapter 3 Living in a Construction Zone 15

Chapter 4 Summer Heat 24

Chapter 5 Family Dynamics 28

Chapter 6 Just Fine 33

Chapter 7 Mom's Story 38

Chapter 8 Traveling Companions 45

Chapter 9 My Train Wreck 53

Chapter 10 And Then… 58

Chapter 11 Living with Cancer 64

Chapter 12 Finding Common Ground 72

Chapter 13 Waiting 79

Chapter 14 Help 85

Chapter 15 Breaking the Chain 91

Chapter 16 The Second Time Around 100

Chapter 17 The Ghosts of Christmas Past 104

Chapter 18 What's Next? 111

Chapter 19 Moving Day 116

Chapter 20 Settling In 120

Chapter 21 Meeting the Minds 126

Chapter 22 Seesaw 134

Chapter 23 Negativity and Narcissism 144

Chapter 24 Spring 151

Chapter 25 Finding My Own Way 160

Chapter 26 The First Burial 166

Chapter 27 The Heart of the Matter 172

Chapter 28 The Face of Denial 178

Chapter 29 The Second Burial 187

Chapter 30 Finding Compassion 192

Chapter 31 Letting Go … Again 198

Chapter 32 Changing Lanes 204

Chapter 33 Cancer and Joy 211

Chapter 34 Visiting the Past 217

Chapter 35 The Final Burial 225

Epilogue 233

Editorial Reviews

06/20/2016
In this blistering account, Rough, an artist and writer, depicts the many difficulties of supporting an elderly abusive parent. In 2001, she invites her ailing, alcoholic mother to move into her Virginia home. Their proximity opens many old wounds in their fraught relationship and forces Rough to confront painful memories of the physical and emotional abuse her parents inflicted on her when she was a child. Rough is unsparing about her complicated feelings of love, hatred, and guilt for her mother, whose more traumatic early home life she gradually learns about, and bravely honest as she examines her struggles to overcome a long-held identification as a victim. In her final years, Rough’s mother is diagnosed with stage four cancer. The pain medication, like alcohol, brings out vicious rages that she focuses on her daughter. Rough has two younger brothers, but they leave her in charge of their mother’s doctor appointments, medications, hospitalizations, and hospice. Only following her mother’s death in 2008 is Rough—now in her 60s—really able to begin a recovery. She initially resists a diagnosis of PTSD but realizes she needs to change long-held patterns and behaviors; trying to find forgiveness for two very damaged parents, she concludes they did the best they could. This is a moving narrative, and one that will ultimately serve a useful guide for families and their caretakers. (Sept.)

Publishers Weekly

Bravely honest. This is a moving narrative, and one that will ultimately serve a useful guide for families and their caretakers.”
—Publishers Weekly

“Rough’s memoir details her experience as her mother’s primary caretaker after a cancer diagnosis, with the years leading up to her mother’s death, as well as her struggle to come to terms with her passing afterward. Readers get a first-person look at how to embrace difficult people, as well as a meditation on forgiveness.”
—Library Journal

“In this well-wrought memoir, Joan Rough shows us the beauty of becoming the alchemist of one’s own life. What happens after she invites her elderly, narcissistic mother to move in to her home will often set your teeth on edge. The amazing ending, however, will leave you standing in awe at the power of love.”
—Shirley Hershey Showalter, author of Blush: A Mennonite Girl Meets a Glittering World

“A brave story, beautifully written in an authentic, raw voice, that strikes a universal chord about mother-daughter relationships, breaking the cycle of childhood abuse, taking responsibility for one’s own healing, and finding forgiveness.”
—Kathleen Pooler, author of Ever Faithful To His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse

“At last, a mother-daughter memoir that chronicles a conflict-laden relationship without resorting to blame, victimization, or humor laced with sarcasm and cynicism. Joan Rough paints a vivid, in-depth portrait that captures anger, guilt, fear, denial, forgiveness, love, and healing—all the pieces of life itself!”
—Kevin Quirk, mauthor of Your Life Is a Book—And It’s Time to Write It! and Brace for Impact: Miracle on the Hudson

“Scattering Ashes is a heartrending account of a complicated mother-daughter relationship, wrought with intergenerational patterns of conflict. Raw in its immediacy and honesty, Rough’s story testifies to the resiliency of the human spirit and how in the long and complex process of forgiveness, we must go through all of the stages of grief before we reach the final stage of acceptance. This story gives hope to those who could not reconcile with their mothers when they were still alive.”
—Saloma Furlong, author of Why I Left the Amish: A Memoir and Bonnet Strings: An Amish Woman’s Ties to two Worlds

From the Publisher