Searching For Spenser: A Mother's Journey Through Grief

by Margaret Rayburn Kramar, Nina Niebuhr (Photographer)

Overview

Winner of the National Indie Excellence Award 2019!

“Margaret Kramar’s memoir is a testament to the pain and beauty of parenthood—and the vulnerability it requires.” —Laura Moriarty, best selling author of The Chaperone, and American Heart.

Parenting can be a struggle; especially parenting a disabled child. In this flawlessly written memoir, Kramar describes championing her son, diagnosed with sotos syndrome, through his short life. She examines the experience of loving and losing a child and reminds us that there is a way forward through the grief. Kramar’s memoir offers guidance, wisdom and inspiration. An amazing story of redemption and hope.

“This book is a reminder that living with a most difficult and painful thing gives us choices. Making the right one makes all the difference. Margaret kramar has written this story for all the right reasons. And no matter who you are, you will find yourself in these pages.” —Maryemma graham, university of kansas distinguished professor & founder/director, project on the history of black writing

As his most ardent cheerleader, Margaret encourages Spenser to transcend the arbitrary limits of his disability. Spenser flourishes, emerging as a happy child who loves to act, dance, and draw. One spring day, while the other children are playing, Spenser clings to his mother at the school carnival because he is tired. Margaret takes him to the hospital on a Sunday night, and in a startling turn of events, he dies the following Monday afternoon.

After his death, Margaret questions whether she ever really knew her child. She searches for him in the memories of former teachers, relatives and friends, embarking on a journey that takes her beyond the grave, even to a psychic in Lily Dale, while she finds support and solace in the monthly meetings of The Compassionate Friends.

Written in starkly honest prose, Searching for Spenser chronicles the costs and joys of loving a child with Sotos syndrome.

Margaret Kramar taught English at The University of Kansas and Washburn University after receiving her Ph.D. in 2012. “Star Wars,” a chapter from the memoir, appeared in Echoes from the Prairie in 2013, “The Soap Opera,” a chapter from Searching for Spenser, captured the first place award in the 2009 Kansas Authors Club District Contest and another chapter, “The Birthday Party,” appeared in Exceptional Parent magazine in 2008. A short story about Spenser was anthologized in Reading Lips: And Other Ways to Overcome a Disability, published by Apprentice House in 2008. Her work has also appeared in Contemporary American Women: Our Defining Passages, The Grinnell Magazine, newspapers, and other print and digital magazines.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781941237182
Publisher:	Anamcara Press LLC
Publication date:	04/06/2018
Pages:	264
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Margaret Rayburn Kramar is an educator and author whose memoir, Searching for Spenser, explores how she was transformed through the death of her disabled child. A graduate of Grinnell College, she received an M.A. in journalism from the University of Iowa. Subsequently employed as lifestyle editor for the Denison Newspapers, her work received awards from the Iowa Press Association Better Newspaper Contest and Herbert Bayard Swopes Memorial Awards. In 2012 she received a Ph.D. in English from the University of Kansas and taught English composition, drama and American literature. Previous to the Ph.D., she was employed for twenty years as a civil rights investigator by the Kansas Human Rights Commission. Her work has appeared in numerous anthologies and print and digital publications. A chapter from Searching for Spenser captured the first place award in the Kansas Authors Club Contest. She and her family live on a small farm in northeast Kansas where they produce organically grown fruits, vegetables and free-range eggs.

Cover image by Nina Niebuhr, Shutterstock, Another Journey: "Misty Flowers."

Table of Contents

Prologue: The Memory Bank.......................xiii

Star Wars.......................................................1

Marriage........................................................9

After the Wedding.......................................17

Brendan........................................................21

The Sinister Toys..........................................28

The Verdict...................................................35

The Screening Test.......................................47

At The Office.................................................52

Believe..........................................................55

Jean..............................................................60

The Hospital Visit..........................................63

The Big Yeller Dog........................................67

The Birthday Party........................................74

Kindergarten Roundup.................................81

The Gathering Storm...................................86

The Forgotten Years..................................101

White Concert Hall.....................................104

The Dance..................................................114

Perils...........................................................120

Reconciliation.............................................124

Courtship....................................................129

The Roto-Tiller............................................134

Green Beans..............................................141

Reversals...................................................147

The Wedding.............................................154

Pain in the Side..........................................162

Belle...........................................................166

The Nutcracker...........................................170

The Conference..........................................172

Star.............................................................176

The Dancer.................................................179

The Sympathy Card....................................182

The Elephant Man.......................................184

The Third Grade Teacher.............................191

Phooey to Any Disability..............................196

The Angel Pin..............................................200

The Immediate Aftermath............................208

The Police Officer........................................214

Another Christmas.......................................217

Lily Dale......................................................222

The Shrines at the Theatre..........................234

Editorial Reviews

I glanced at the first page of Searching for Spenser and from that moment on, I did not want to put the book down. Our electricity went out early one morning while I was reading, so I went and found a flashlight, which imperfectly lit the pages as I continued to read.

The book is compelling because Margaret Kramar is a gifted story teller, drawing us into her life. I grew to love the authorbecause of her honesty, bravery and transparency. She does not give us a sugar-coated story, written by a perfect person with perfect answers. She gives us a real story about a person whose life did not go the way she planned.

There were many times that tears came to my eyes and lumps rose in my throat, but over all this book is a tribute to a beautiful and loving world. This book is a masterpiece. I loved it.

Dianne Lawson

This is a deeply moving, humbling, beautiful and true account of the short journey of a very special little boy. Any parent dealing with a special needs child-and what child isn’t special needs at some point-will run the gamut of emotions in reading this book. I sobbed, laughed out loud, prayed, was amazed, and sometimes angry. Because of this book, I was grateful for being able to have the opportunity to learn what purity of soul really means. Through Searching for Spenser, this little boy will continue to touch the hearts of others for years to come.

Diane Rose

Kramar doesn’t hold back in sharing her life with the reader. She takes us by the hand and we walk through her days as mother, wife, friend and advocate. It is a journey fraught with difficult decisions, frustrating outcomes, intense sorrow and yet, a powerful love that weaves through the story driving her on to never stop caring and fighting for her son, Spenser. As a parent of a young child who went through long periods of medical treatment and lost her life to childhood cancer, I recommend this book to parents, caregivers and all others who wish to gain an understanding of advocating for a loved one.

Bill Sowers

When I started this book I didn’t intend to read it in one day, but I couldn’t put it down. The author provides a poignant view of her life, never cutting herself any slack: truthfully writing about how unprepared she was for marriage, motherhood, the trials and tribulations she faced and the tragic death of her son. The doctors were not optimistic when they informed the parents of the diagnosis; yet Spenser, a child who physicians thought wouldn’t be able to sit up, managed to do so much more. The young actor sang, participated in plays and was a friend to everyone.

Monica Farrell

It’s easy to understand how therapeutic it would be to write about the death of your child. And clearly this was the case for Margaret Kramar. Yet her book offers more. There is something in this story for all of us who have suffered loss, experienced guilt, felt lonely or worried, struggled in a failing marriage, or questioned ourselves. Kramar shows us how none of that, however painful, need have the final word.

Holly Stoerker

It is starkly honest and loving, written in poetic prose that opens your heart and mind to her pain, bitterness and hurt, and her attempt at redemption as she searches for the answer, or at least peace of mind. It will leave you in wonderment.

Phillip A. Kramer

I can identify with so much in Margaret’s book, especially the “Dreaded D’s”-death of a child and divorce, because I have experienced both. Grieving the deah of a child never goes away and divorce is the death of a relationship. Margaret expresses both situations with authentic emotions.

Colleen Tucker

From the Publisher