Sell Bigfoot

Sell Bigfoot

by James Kieffer


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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781481777698
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Publication date: 07/19/2013
Pages: 146
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.34(d)

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Sell Bigfoot

By James Kieffer


Copyright © 2013 James Kieffer
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4817-7769-8


The Photo

Our story begins with a male Bigfoot roaming through the deciduous forest on the outskirts of a small rural town in the northeast of the US. Our Bigfoot is 8 ft. tall with medium brown hair all over his body and weighing in at a staggering 800 lbs. His head is pointed at the top like a gorilla and he smells just like every other Bigfoot, REALLY BAD. Actually it is quite awful. It is best described as a combination between a skunk, a sweaty sock, and a wet dog. (As Bigfoot walks under the tree, squirrels are seen passing out from the smell and falling from off the branches. The sounds of small thuds are heard as they hit the ground. Bigfoot seeing this looks around scratches his head because he doesn't know what to make of it). Then as he turns to go, he trips over a rock and lands face first onto the ground WHOMP! It creates a small cloud of dust and leaves around the impact. It made all the squirrels that were on the ground bounce up 3 feet in the air which jostled them awake and they immediately scurried back up the trees. Our Bigfoot is a bit of a klutz. He looks up and spits the leaves out of his mouth he caught. He then grumbles, gets up and keeps walking.

Bigfoot normally roams around at night, but he was hungry so he is out this sunny morning looking for a meal. As he is walking along he notices a piece of cake wrapped in cellophane that some campers left behind. He squats down, sniffs it, smiles and eats it in one gulp. He likes it when campers are around-free grub.

Off in the distance not far from here a group of Bigfoot trackers called "THE SQUATCH CHARMERS", as the lettering states on their navy blue T-shirts, were patrolling the area. They were following some footprints made by our male Bigfoot, and taking notes and hair samples. Their leader Mark Coinstriker, noticed a tree that had its lower branches snapped half way off and downward. Now he was a very serious and intense individual, even obsessed. He gathered his group of 5 around him and said "this is the territorial markings of a Squatch. They do this to warn other Squatches to stay out of their domain. The bigger the Squatch, the higher the branches are broken off."

A man in the group with a southern drawl says, "Well, can't he just piss on it? We had a cat that pissed on my sister's leg once when it got territorial. And that was right before she went to the Prom."

Another said, "Yeah, we had a dog that pissed on Grandpa's cane when he as he was walking up the stairs"

Another man said "Our dog pissed on the cat once, is that territorial?"

Then they all started murmuring about it. Coinstriker already annoyed with their lack of focus in recent days yells "GUYS, SQUATCHES NEVER PISS DAMMIT! THEY BREAK BRANCHES!"

After a long silence and them looking at each other, Drawl man said "But what if they have to go and relieve themselves, I mean they got to go sometime" Coinstriker yells "QUIET! We need to focus, see if you can find where the tracks go."

After eating his cake, Bigfoot stands straight up and "BAM", he hits the crown of his head on a low 4 inch thick tree limb. His eyes roll upward and his mouth gapes open as he says UUHHH! Then he slaps the limb lightly a couple of times and turns to walk away and "BAM", another tree limb. Now infuriated he reaches up and violently snaps the first tree limb down and the other. As if to punish them for being too low.

Back at the trackers, the Drawl man is explaining his point. "All I am saying is that when ya gotta go ya gotta go. I mean does a bear piss in the alley? No he does it in the woods just like a Squatch."

Coinstriker rubbing his face in anguish, "it doesn't matter ok. There is no other reason for a Squatch to break lower branches other than marking his territory. You got it." Bigfoot is then seen crazily snapping every lower branch and limb on the tree that he hit his head on.

The trackers then started following the tracks made by Bigfoot. They had their infrared scopes out scanning the tree line and looking for any signs of movement. Coinstriker intent on proving his cause was looking for anything he could find. He intensely gazed along the ground as they walked parallel with the tracks. Then suddenly he saw some animal droppings off to the side.

Coinstriker: "These were obviously left by a Squatch. You, get a plastic bag out and take a sample."

One man said, "Uh, that looks like deer crap. See, it is little pellets kinda like a deer would" he gets cuts off by an agitated Coinstriker, "you don't know anything. I have been doing this 15 years. If I say it is from a Squatch then it is. Look over there." They all noticed several stake holes in the ground. Coinstriker kneels down and points at one. Coinstriker says "A Squatch did this with a stick. He was probably digging the ground with a stick looking for ants. And look at that animal bone over there, a Squatch was probably chewing on it."

Another in the group, "Uh that looks like stake holes probably used to hold up a tent. There were campers here before and look, here is one of the poles they left behind. And that bone looks like chicken."

Coinstriker almost hysterical: "It was all from a Squatch, you don't know anything! "

They all looked at one another fearing another nervous breakdown. One said, "Fine, that's Squatch turds over there ok? We'll bag it up for ya."

Now Bigfoot treading along is unaware of the trackers location. He noticed some walnuts along the ground. He grabbed a few, picked up a rock and sat down straddling a boulder. He took a nut and tried smash it open using the rock against the boulder. His first attempt-whack, was not hard enough to break it. So he drew back with the rock and smacked it harder WHACK! The nut didn't break, but the force of the blow launched the nut through the trees and hit a white tailed deer in the rump. There were 3 deer in all and this startled them to the point where they took off running down the hill. They were jumping over brush with their tails raised up which is a warning sign of danger.

The deer ran passed the Bigfoot trackers. They all looked with intensity in the direction that the deer came from. One man grabbed a small collapsible shovel that he had with and clutched it with a death grip.

Other grabbed their scanners and pointed them up the hill hoping to see something on the infrared. They couldn't pick up anything.

Coinstriker: "Now we all know that the main diet of the Squatches is deer meat. He is obviously on the hunt right now and we do not want to get in between him and his prey. They can be very aggressive on the hunt. Let's all move halfway up the hill and to the side so when he comes running down, we can get a good picture and some video. I will sit at the bottom with this charmer and try to mesmerize him with this so you can get some still shots." And he pulled out a toy that had a flat disc with spiral stripes going down it leading from the vertex to the edges. When he squeezed the handles together, it spun and gave an illusion that it was spinning downward which had a dizzying effect to some.

Drawl man, "You're fixin to distract him with that? Are you on acid or did you hit your head this morning when you fell off of the truck."

Earlier that morning when they were loading up, Coinstriker was standing in the bed of their pickup truck as the driver was backing up to the hitch for the trailer they were bringing along. Coinstriker was leaning over the back looking at the hitch and waving the driver slowly backward to the hitch. When he reached it, Coinstriker clenched his fist for the driver to halt. However, the driver slammed on the brake and Coinstriker went airborne into the trailer full of equipment.

Coinstriker pondered that event this morning and then cringed remembering how painful it was. The he said, "Look, I have seen this before on TV. This thing will give him vertigo. He will be dizzy and pause long enough for you guys to get some go still shots. If the pictures come out too blurred, than no one is going to believe us."

Drawl man, "Vertigo? If you stick that there thing in his face, you're gonna to end up with Vertigo after it beats the crap out of ya."

Coinstriker: "Look, we are charmers, The Squatch Charmers alright. We are going to put that thing in a trance long enough to get the pictures we need. We are more intelligent that thing, we are organized, we are going to get this done. I've seen this used on monkeys at the zoo. It'll work. See I will try it here on Hank." He put the toy right in front of Hank's face and began to spin it. Immediately Hank became dizzy and disoriented and almost fell backwards. Coinstriker said, "There, see that?"

Drawl man, "Well that ain't saying much seeing that Hank is still hung over after drinking a fifth of Jack last night but your right, we should give er a try." Then smirking he says, "I reckon this is going to be the funniest thing I ever did see, watching you being chase all over by a Squatch. I hope he catches ya."

Coinstriker says "we are going to do it my way." Drawl man, "Rest assured, I will make sure they put that on your epitaph." So they all moved halfway up and to the side except for Coinstriker who waited near the bottom with his toy and a camera.

In the meantime, Bigfoot was still trying to crack a nut. He grabbed another and held it with two fingers. He then drew way back with the rock and WHACK! This time the nut flew forward, hit another nearby boulder, flew back and hit him in the left eyeball. He let out a noise "AAAHHGGH!" He held his eye with his left hand, let out a few grunts and tried to shake it off. He pawed along the ground trying to find the rock he dropped. Now very angry and determined he grabbed another nut with his fingers again, drew back on the rock and hit the nut-WHACK! This time he got his finger. He then leaped up and down holding his finger and yelping in a high pitched voice "YELP, YIPE YEOW." He then took the rock in disgust and hurled it in the direction of the trackers, not knowing that they were there. The rock flew down the hills, bounced once, and then hit one of the trackers in the stomach, "OOOOF" he cried out.

Coinstriker: "That is the first human to ever be attacked in the US by a Squatch. We have obviously come upon a very aggressive male defending his territory. Squatches only throw rocks and sticks to warn off an intruder. There is no other reason for that kind of aggression."

Bigfoot now giving up on the nuts, noticed a blackberry bush loaded with berries. He smiled and said "OOOOO." He went over and began plucking them off and eating them. He noticed a larger bunch further into the bush. He tried to reach around but the thorns kept pricking him. He let off a soft but high pitched "yeow" each time he got stuck. He tried walking around to the other side of the bush to get to these berries. He was stomping down the brush with his big feet around the bush getting closer to the other side of it when suddenly he stepped and there was nothing there. He stepped right off the edge of the hill and started rolling down it. He was rolling head to foot like a ball through the brush and down toward the trackers.

The trackers on the side of the hill hearing the sounds of breaking brush coming toward them became terrified. They didn't know what was coming and couldn't see through the brush. They started looking around at one another in fear not knowing what to do. Their arms were stretched out ward and they were crouching and trying to see what was coming. They didn't know whether to run or hide so they stayed there frozen in fear.

Then crashing through the brush was what appeared to them as a big ball of fur with two big feet. They didn't have time to move or think and they got mowed down like bowling pins-STRIKE! They went flying in every direction. Apparently they were standing on the wrong side of the hill. Bigfoot continued rolling down the hill toward Coinstriker, who was now trembling with fear. He started spinning the disc on the toy at Bigfoot. His eyes as big as saucers as he sees a mass of fur barreling toward him. When Bigfoot hit the bottom, the momentum made him lunge forward with his arms stretched out right at Coinstriker. Then Wham, he lands right on top of him.

Coming to, Coinstriker sees Bigfoot on top of him and screams-AAAGGHH! The other trackers getting up off of the ground seeing this yelled, "Let's get out of here, Bigfoot is trying to eat Mark." They all start running away down the hill from where they came.

Bigfoot just coming to had no idea what was going on, he just sees that he is on top of a man. Coinstriker moves his camera in front of Bigfoot's face and takes a picture, all Bigfoot sees is one big white flash. Now that he is blinded by the light he gets up off of him and starts rubbing his eyes. Coinstriker gets up, grabs his camera, and runs down the hill with the others. Bigfoot swinging his arms at them as they ran by.

Now Bigfoot regaining his sight looks around. He is not sure what just happened, he just sees a bunch of men running down the hill away from him. He then sees backpacks laying on the ground that the trackers left behind. He picks one up and sniffs it. Then he looks inside and sees sandwiches and fruit. He says in Squatch language, "ROCCA," which interpreted means "SCORE." He then starts to gorge himself on the food, eating them package and all.

The trackers continued down the hill fleeing for their lives. They were crashing through the brush, falling down and screaming the whole way until they made it back to their vehicles that they had parked in the staging area. Arriving there they were all huffing and puffing. Coinstriker said, "I told you it was a Squatch. I think I got its picture here."

Drawl man: "That's not all ya got." Then pointing down toward Coinstriker's pants where it appears he wet himself. "I think you got territorial in your own pants."

Coinstriker: "I thought I was going to die. He was right on top of me and man did he stink. Let's see what the picture looks like." And he draws up the picture in the camera. The picture was blurred badly. They could only make out a big mas of fur, two black eyes and fangs.

Drawl man says "Should we go back up and get some video?" Coinstriker responds "No. this male is too aggressive and someone could get killed. We will try again tomorrow after it has calmed down."

After Coinstriker talked to a reporter, they printed the picture in the local newspaper the next day and reported it to the news station. No one believed the trackers, they all thought it was a hoax. The caption said "Is this real or another fake?" It then gave a short list of things not to do if you encounter a Sasquatch.

1. Never feed a Sasquatch nor look him in the eyes

2. Never let your kids play with a Sasquatch

3. Never throw things at Sasquatch

4. If you see one at night and it is aggressive, shine a flashlight in its eyes and purr like a cat. This is said to calm them down.

5. If you see one along the side of the road, do not stop and offer it a lift, call the police instead.


3 Clods With An Idea

There were three friends living in town that always hung out together, Carl, Phil, and Max. Carl is a mechanic. He was 32 and he was married. He was big at about 6'3" and 230lbs. Carl was a good mechanic, but he was a bit of a procrastinator when it came to fixing his own things. He just got done fixing the shocks on a customer's SUV and is seen driving his 2001 Chevy crew cab pickup home from work. His toolbox is laying in the bed in back. The springs on his truck are shot, in fact the bed is lying so low it almost looks like it is rubbing the wheels. Suddenly he hits a pothole in the road. With no springs left, the energy shoots up and makes the toolbox bounce two feet off of the bed. Carl also felt it in the cab and lifted him up a couple of inches. The toolbox then crashed back down inside the bed scattering his tools all over. He said to himself, "Man I have to fix these springs." Just then he heard the news report about the Bigfoot sighting. Carl never believed much in urban legends, but he did have an aunt who claimed to have seen Bigfoot. He knew his aunt was a little off but he loved her and believed her story. He recalls what she said about it after he heard on the news about the trackers getting a photo of Bigfoot.

Aunt: "I was at home watching Wheel of fortune. When I heard a knock on my door. I went to the door and said who is it? Someone said he needed help. So I opened the door and there he was, Bigfoot. And he was all covered with hair, he had a pointed head, and he stunk. I mean he smelled bad, kinda like something that has been dead for three days. I asked him what he wanted. In perfect English he said garlic, he needed some garlic. I said what in the hell does Bigfoot need with garlic. He said he needed it so I gave it to him. He thanked me and gave me a hug. I asked him if he wanted to watch Wheel with me, but he said no thanks, he didn't know how to read anyway. Man I tell you it was strange. I ain't never had no Bigfoot ask me some garlic before. Thought maybe he was making a leg of lamb. I never saw him again after that night. Good thing too, cause I can't be interrupted when I'm watching Wheel."

He remembered her claiming to see a UFO in the back yard and the image of the Virgin Mary in her oatmeal one morning. He also remembered that this all happened the same week they mixed up her medication at the pharmacy. As he pulled into his driveway, he hit another bump and the tools went bouncing all over the bed of the truck again. He got out of his truck and shook his head. But he didn't have time for that right now. His friends Phil and Max were coming over to watch the baseball game tonight and he had to get cleaned up. His wife Shelly met him at the door and said, "I'm going out with my friend Nancy tonight, we have to take her car because the brakes aren't working in mine. You said you would fix them."

Excerpted from Sell Bigfoot by James Kieffer. Copyright © 2013 James Kieffer. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents


INTRODUCTION....................     vii     

1 THE PHOTO....................     1     

2 3 CLODS WITH AN IDEA....................     11     

3 GATHERING THE GEAR....................     21     

4 AT THE ZOO....................     31     

5 PREPPING THE SCENE....................     55     

6 THE ENCOUNTER....................     63     

7 FIX THEM SPRINGS ALREADY....................     79     

8 THE SEARCH IS ON....................     89     

9 LOVE AND HANDCUFFS....................     105     

10 THE CATCH....................     117     

11 BACK TO NORMAL?....................     129     

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Sell Bigfoot 5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 1 reviews.
PRRR More than 1 year ago
Great story, awesome book, fun read for adults and kids!