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Shades of Love
By CHRIS ADALIKWU
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2013 Chris Adalikwu
All rights reserved.
I miss you more than you know and you haven't even left in my heart yet. Our time together will remain timeless in my heart. Months (and I'm so afraid to even imagine years) without you is going to leave me broken. I know that there is so much left to say before you go but there isn't enough time. I don't know if there will ever be enough time for all the words that I need to say. You stole my heart with your laugh. That was all it took. We can't ever be apart, even if it is just for a few months. I say this now, knowing that the next few months will be an eternity but I will be here when you come home. I will always be here. I love you with all that I have and I know you hate letters but this is a time that I think you'll make an exception. I love you, you make me burn with your love, don't ever put out the flames.
I will always love you and I will always be yours.
* * *
My sweet Joe,
Gorgeous boy. You don't know how easy it is to love you. How quickly i fall back into the trap those dark haunted eyes, and that battered guitar, set in my heart and my mind every day. How much when anyone mentions you i want to tell an amazing love story of hope and glory and love. Now i can't do all that, all i have is ours. And laid out on paper it doesn't look much, it looks like a typical romance that lasted a while and although we loved each other, we should now be moving on. But what i can't put down on paper is the way you make me feel. The way when you hug me, i wouldn't trade places with the richest or happiest person alive because i am holding the most perfect right then. The way that i talk to you and instantly im a better person. And i describe these things, try to do them justice, and then i think people have a better understanding of why i can't let you go just yet.
Love always, Liz
* * *
My Dear Husband,
I love you. I love that I can tell you anything and that you will always listen. I love that we can agree to disagree. I love how you can't stop giggling once you've started. I love your passion and your sense of wonder. I love cuddling with you. I love your body. I love doing lewd things to your body. I love that we can be silly together. I love that we can be serious together. I love that we can be silent together. I love our son. I love figuring out parenting with you. I love your kind heart. I love you because you help me grow. I love you because you're my best friend.—Your Wife
* * *
I've tried to find someone else when you were gone. I didn't admit to myself that I liked you back then, told the people who asked that it was just a second, a minute, a few hours worth of admiration. Told myself to move on. But everyone after that was a mistake. They weren't like you, could never be like you, and I finally had to tell myself that whatever I do, whoever comes along, I'd still be hoping that it would be you. And it hurts because it will never be you. Yours, Sarah
* * *
The day I found out that you had moved on, was also the day I found out my heart hadn't broken yet. I had been thinking this whole time that is was. But then when I read the message over and over again—he likes some chick—my heart broke. I hadn't expected it. It was like the angel of sadness its self took over my body. I didn't know what to do, say, think. My heart stopped beating, and then it hit me. Like a wave had just knocked me underwater in the ocean and I was being spun around and around. My shoulders hunched over and I started sobbing uncontrollably. I cried like I have never cried before. I felt like I was going to throw up. My whole head was spinning and my heart was throbbing. My breaths were quick and I felt like any moment I was going to scream—that's when I ran to the bathroom, turned on the tap, grabbed my white fluffy towel and screamed into it ... The sound of the hard running water drowning out my cries, the cries of the brokenhearted.
* * *
My sweetest Philip,
That day, in your small town, those 15 minutes were enough to light my soul for days. On that busy little street in that tiny town people stared as they walked by—seeing two people standing too close to each other while they talked, embracing each other like lovers there on the sidewalk. I wish you could know (because I do) what it feels like when someone tells you that they saw you, and how happy you looked when you saw me that day, how you looked at me, and how we glow when we're together. Are we in love? Without any doubt. I am afraid, however, that we aren't in love with each other, but rather in love with how we look at each other and how that makes us feel; in love with the idea of an endless love, but a love that can never exist in the reality outside of that moment on that sidewalk in your small town.
That day, sitting too close on a park bench, you told me my eyelashes were beautiful when inside I felt nervous and ugly because I had spots on my face. Another day you told me I may be the strangest beauty you have ever known when I told you the story behind my first tattoo. On a quiet night alone in your apartment you held me tight when I told you my darkest and most painful secrets. How could I not fall in love with you? And when I'm in your world I'm safe. I am loved. I am accepted, and wanted. Looking into your eyes is like slipping into a warm bath and it is delicious.
But the world you live in is a world of mist and shadow and pen pals in distant lands and art and beauty that you create. It's all just a fantasy that you control. You choose to let the world believe you are mad, when we both know it's just easier for you to feel safe when others can't expect anything from you. The saddest part is that there is genuine love between us, and it exists in your world as well as mine. It's the kind of love that we all dream of finding. But life pushes us forward, and I can't stay in there with you forever. And still, I am afraid to live forever without you.
* * *
Thank you for 3 good years. 3 Funny years. 3 happy years. I can't look back and say thank god we made it, but i can look back and say thank god we tried. You were my life line, and now you are just a line on my page, in my story, a beautiful one i will never get tired of reading over. But thats what we are now, so, so over. I miss you and the way you made me smile, but at the same time i know there is nothing left of the old you to miss. We tried, my baby. We tried. I hope you come home safe!
* * *
My big baby,
Baby i want you to know that:
In your arms is where i feel the safest In your heart is where i always want to be In your eyes i want to be complete, the one and only person you see
Love you for making me the way i feel.
Your honey pie
* * *
Because I am all too keenly aware we cannot control the future, I fear time and its course. Fear itself has become the dominating emotion in me since we have met. It overcomes me in vast torrents. So much so I fail to sleep properly most nights. It is impossible to guess how the future should turn out one can make only the weakest of assumptions, for either better or worse and this in itself is what paralyses me so greatly. If only there was some way that I could guarantee my future with you. It has struck me that perhaps we met at the wrong time. If I could pray I would pray that I am wrong, but I come to doubt any God should hear it. Give us a chance. Allow me the opportunity to love you, as I know I can. I am so certain that we could be happy if you could set aside these awful fears and give us the chance I badly wish for. Life is so very short and I have learnt that there is little use in clinging to the past when it no longer has any bearing on the future. I wish I had it within my power to free you of all your many worries, that you would look at me in the way I so wish you could see me—the way in which I see you. Open up to me Nick, the way you used to. Though I am aware I said I would give you space, you have no idea how I wish you knew what that meant for me. I think of you incessantly when we are not together—which we are not, too often. Your words remain encouraging, loving even but this distance that grows, this reluctance of yours scares me. When I am with you I try my utmost to hold myself back for this reason. To appear calmer, less enthralled by you but I'm afraid you see only saddness in my attempts to hide my real feelings from you. These terrors overtake me. I still have absolute hopes that we can grow closer again and make our future together when you come back home. Always when I am with you I strive to hide the torrent of horror which runs always through my mind. If ever there were some way I could ease your worries and troubles, to hold back the bay of sadness that lately encroaches on you Nick, you must know I should find it, were it even possible. I know you are in a war zone, do not leave this silence and distance between us to grow long, sweetness.
Love you forever, Mary
* * *
My Beloved Billy,
I love you! Just writing that puts a smile on my face. You put a smile on my face.
I love you because of your sweetness, your kindness, your tenderness and your thoughtfulness.
I love you because are you are my dear friend and loving companion. You smile at my silly jokes and enjoy my youthful spirit.
I love you because I have a longing to be close to you and you long to be close to me. I love snuggling with you in front of a fire and cuddling with you as we watch TV. I love to be near you. I love holding your hand on a walk during the day and holding your hands across the table at a restaurant at night.
I love you because you listen to me as I share the small triumphs or struggles of the day.
I love you because in moments of friction between us, you hear me out. Even when you don't agree with me, you listen with a longing to understand me. I love you because you respect me. You honor the man that I am, rather than try to make me into someone I am not. You suffer my imperfections and my shortcomings largely without complaint.
I love you because you appreciate me. You enjoy my attentiveness and appreciate my efforts to romance you. You appreciate my generosity to yourself and my generosity toward others.
I love you, Annie
* * *
Hey Paul, I miss you!!!
You must write me back or I'll be sooo mad at you and I know you don't want that. Hell I would be happy to get a letter from you talking about your day or anything as long you you're not talking about other guys. I'll be happy. I could really use you right now. I'm sure you miss me and think, "Why ... why did I say no to him." But hey don't dwell on the past, all you have to remember is that I'll always love you one way or another. I still wonder why you said no. So you have to write me a long letter. I hope it is lovey dovey just so I can always have something from you that for once expresses how you feel towards me.
P.S. I'm not lying. I want a mushy love letter.
* * *
My dear Pete,
We first met you were flirting with me. I was completely oblivious (like always).
You are gorgeous, one in a trillion. I've never met anyone else like you.
We hung out a lot, got to know each other. Lots of coffee, walks, and drives at late hours of the night. We had a lot of fun.
Now you're gone, and I can't get you out of my head. I never really got the chance to tell you how I felt, and how you made me feel. I won't get the opportunity to say it either.
Be safe my dear and remember some1 is dreaming about you.
* * *
My dream man:
Although the distance and time and account of days neither is long nor many of your absence, yet the want of your presence, so much desired and beloved by me, maketh me that I cannot quitely pleasure in anything until I hear from your Majesty. The Time seemeth to me very long, with great desire to know how you hath done since your departing hence, whose prosperity and health I prefer and desire more then my own.
And whereas I know your absence is never without great need, yet love and affection compel me to desire your presence. Again the same zeal and affection forceth me to be best content with that which is your will and pleasure.
Thus love maketh me in all things set apart mine own convenience and pleasure and to embrace most joyfully his will and pleasure whom I love.
* * *
Tonight the weather blew in and reminded me of you. The day was hot and steamy, leaving me feeling good because of the heat, but wanting cool shade to relax in. After a long day of warm weather, dark storm clouds rolled in and drenched the spring flowers with a torrent of rain. Crashes of thunder and flashes of lightning made it seem like the world was coming to an end and there was no future in sight. Just when it would seem that all hope for a calm world had been lost, the clouds lifted just before sunset and a small bit of the sun peeked through to shine hope on the future before retiring for the day. I hope that the storms of the future will give way to the hope of sunshine after the chaos subsides.
* * *
Hello Dearest, I could write eloquent poetry and seduce you with my words, but I know you were never one for rhetoric, so I'll be brief and direct instead: I want to be your spouse and have your babies.
Come home to your baby soon ! to my heart i will never forget the time we spent together it was the best thang that happen to me now that you gone i cant image how life it self will be with out you. i miss your touch your lips the sound of your heart beat the long talks we had at night the walks in the park. i love you more then you can think off one day we will meet again i love you
* * *
Dear first love, I've known you since I was 13 years old. You're almost 20 and I'm almost 21 years old. I can't believe we're still friends. We've talked about our love two years ago. But it's not possible because I'm engaged to the father of my toddler. It's not the same love we had, but I can't live without him.
Over the years, I've learned not to hurt over what we could have been. I can go days without thinking of you. Until you haunt me in my dreams. I wake up so pissed off. And I won't know why I'm so mad. Until I try to remember what I dreamt about. Then my heart starts hurting. I want to cry. I want you to just hold me. Make this pain go away. Someday, in another lifetime, we will be together.
Love you forever ... Always,
* * *
so much has changed over the years, and yet one thing remains: you made me feel like a terrible person. you made me feel terrible when you left me countless times, even to your new station ... inadequacy was all i knew. i actually found comfort in it, after a while. now that you are planning on coming back again, I wonder if we will be at it again. Just like you once made me cry because you made me find comfort in inadequacy, i don't know how to respond anymore. i don't cry when i think about whether if i still love you. And then I remember when you cry to me, and it makes me think about being Terrible and i know that i am a terrible person. i hate you.
* * *
I told you how I felt, but I didn't say I loved you.
* * *
Sometimes, I realize I am fighting inside to fill up the space where you once were, and it's too hard, so I stop fighting. And then a wave washes over me, I hear your voice, or see the color of your eyes, or hear your laugh; and I am undone. The tears come out of my eyes, and I weep because I know you are somewhere I cannot reach. I miss you every day, and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. I gave the best part of myself to you; whatever is left now of me, is not the same. I gave myself to you, and I do not regret it. Truly, my equal, my best friend, my everything. I cannot be sad for too long, because it isn't right to cry when I think of the warmth and love we shared. Now you are gone, but I carry you. I truly meant forever when I said it, and I know you did, too. Honestly, I am not afraid of the other side because I know you will be there waiting, however long it takes. As long as I live, no one shall take your place. There may be others, but your name is written on my beating heart, and every breath I take, every moment on this earth that I have, will always be in some way, a memorial to you.
Excerpted from Shades of Love by CHRIS ADALIKWU. Copyright © 2013 by Chris Adalikwu. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
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