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CHAPTER 1
Adversities
We all go through occasional challenging times, but serious adversity or sudden life-changing events can deeply affect us and change us from who we were to who we are now. I hope that the stories in this chapter will help pull you back up from that life-changing moment.
I Have Never Felt So Alone
Have you ever experienced loneliness? I don't mean being alone; I mean true loneliness — a feeling so intense that you've said to yourself, "I've never felt so alone." Maybe the feeling was caused by the breakup of a relationship (either a lover or a friend), a divorce, or the death of a loved one. Think about that question again to be sure this subject really fits you and describes your level of loneliness. Then you will see the extreme level of this topic.
I am talking to those who have had an extreme end to something or someone in their lives — something or someone will never be there again. This extreme type of loneliness starts with the never-ending pain inside of you that is unbearable to the point that you cannot find any relief. You may have cried it out, or you may not have cried at all. Then you sit motionless for what turns out to be hours, not really hearing anything around you, not even thinking about anything in particular. You're just blank. You don't talk because you have nothing to say. You don't feel hot or cold, and you are unaware of anyone in the same room with you. Your body feels heavy, even your arms or legs, and it takes an enormous amount of energy to get up to use the restroom. When you do, you never notice the mirror, which others see as odd. You do not want the television on because the noise is too much, or the dopey commercials and happy shows are too painful to watch or hear. You just sit, without thoughts or words to say. You don't care to move; you feel blank. Some call this the "shock" period, but you know it as being numb. You may go for several days without eating because nothing appeals to you, and nothing tastes or smells like anything you recognize. (Honestly, you don't even think about eating.) You have lost any sense of priorities or responsibility because you cannot think straight; you do not even realize what day it is. You are just numb.
Obviously, everyone handles loneliness in his or her own way. There is no right or wrong way to handle it; there are no rules for what is healthy or not healthy. I want to talk to you about how to help yourself or others — maybe a friend or family member — who are going through this loneliness. I want you to understand it so you know what is happening to you. I feel if you understand loneliness and its symptoms or phases, you may find your way out of the lonely world you're in.
The pain that accompanies extreme loneliness is normal; it's your body and mind reacting to this sudden horrific event. Other things happen to you along the way — these are phases that help you separate the journey of loneliness. First, though, let's acknowledge this uncomfortable feeling you are having. Loneliness is pain, but this pain is unlike anything you've had with an injury or during an illness, like the flu. Loneliness is pain that affects you both physically and mentally, and it shows that you have something important to learn — but don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that the loss of a particular person (or anything else) occurred just so you could learn a lesson. Let's look at the various phases that occur and the painful experience of loneliness.
Everyone goes through the different phases of loneliness in his or her own way. The first phase is often withdrawal. This phase can take a few different directions. You may physically escape or seclude yourself away from everyone so you don't have to talk, and you can be without noise. But then the silence is smothering, a constant reminder that your special person is really gone. You find that you're unable to concentrate because it's too quiet. You're unable to concentrate because you're becoming restless. Television or reading is now boring. You want to do something, but what do you want to do? You finally move around, trying to do something, but your attention span is less than five minutes.
Finally, after being secluded for so long, you move in another direction or busy yourself to keep your mind occupied, moving on autopilot, doing things you have never done. You keep yourself active with constant work and long hours, doing something every night after work and going out late with groups of people you never cared for before, but you are filling in the time with constant activities. You've gone from seclusion to nonstop activities. What is going on? You are running away from yourself, you are running away from the loneliness, and you are running away from having to go home to emptiness and the reality of your life. You have been spending this phase of your withdrawal keeping busy so you don't have to think or remind yourself of your loneliness because that person is gone.
This busy phase has no time frame; it varies depending on the intensity of your particular loneliness. Some keep busy to help them cope; others keep busy to keep from falling apart if they find themselves with too much time on their hands. We each have our own reasons, unknown to us at the time, but we eventually get tired and realize we are running away from our loneliness. As we start to slow down, this point is when we enter the phase of aloneness.
Aloneness is finally developed when you are comfortable with yourself. You have developed your inner personality and resources that give you new thoughts, interests, and activities, as well as a new attitude that actually makes you comfortable when alone with yourself.
How did you get to this phase of aloneness? You had a long struggle of loneliness, pain, withdrawal, seclusion, numbness, and restlessness. You ran away from yourself and avoided going home. You now can accept loneliness and aloneness by becoming more comfortable in being alone with yourself.
Here's where the pain of loneliness offers something important to learn. By accepting loneliness, you also accept that loneliness has healing qualities. The period when you were alone allowed you to develop your inner self — self-growth, self-reflection, and self-examination. All the emptiness and hollowness you felt were replaced by inner strength. You made a huge step toward independence when you became comfortable being by yourself and no longer depended on the company of others.
There's enormous therapeutic value in being by yourself and being lonely for a while. Time really is the best healer of loneliness. That painful period of loneliness is a necessary part of the remedy you need to find yourself, to find out who you are, and to find out that you can be comfortable with being alone. This whole process of loneliness helps you to grow and to find the balance between being alone and being with others. You have a new personality, new growth, and new strength you've never had before. You are now a survivor.
Overcoming Discouragement
Being overcome with discouragement can affect your daily life. You can't think straight. You get overwhelmed with daily tasks, like paying the bills, rent or mortgage, and utilities. Most of the time you don't even want to get out of bed. You thinking, I just don't want to go there.
Some folks will look at this avoidance as denial, but you actually don't know where to start because you are so overwhelmed. You feel so smothered in your low emotional state that you can't sort out your priorities. You can't find your way out of the fog.
Let me give you three things to think about — this may be two more than you want to consider, but you'll have them for later as the fog clears:
• Write
Just write out your feelings. You have emotions trapped inside you, and they increase your level of being down and discouraged. When you get them out by writing them down, you actually release that internal pressure.
Write about whatever has you down. For example, write about your grief, loss, stress, anger, confusion, or anything else that's bothering you.
• Surround
You need to surround yourself with positives — positive, uplifting music; positive and encouraging examples in books or on television documentaries; and positive people. Stay away from all negatives — news reports, depressing music, negative television and books, and certainly negative people.
Positives initially will distract you from your overwhelming feelings. The positives will then help you to feel better, and as you start feeling better, your "down" emotions and discouragement with start to lose their grip on you.
• Listen
Start listening to the way you talk to yourself. If you're saying or thinking negative things about yourself, your situation, or your future, you are only pulling yourself back down.
Be aware of what you're saying, and speak of only positive things. Then start believing them. Laugh at your mistakes, and start loving yourself. If you don't change your outlook from deep inside, your projected external attitude will never change.
Difficult times always create opportunities for you to experience more love in your life.
Are You Overreacting When Things Fall Apart?
Here are examples of how to handle setbacks:
After I had a total knee replacement, the immobility and pain were constant reminders of how limited I was. I was already compromised from the rebuilding of my hand and arm, so I was a mess — and I still have a long way to go. Whenever I dropped something or couldn't reach an item or even when something just went wrong, how I reacted to it was so very important.
If you're already down, don't add to it by immediately reacting hatefully and negatively. When something does not go as planned, don't say, "This is horrible. My life is ruined."
Many of us have said those words. Stop doing that to your mind. Don't overreact to the present moment. Do a better job of remembering that unpleasantness will happen, but it also will go away.
Don't continue to put yourself down when there's a setback. Catch yourself when you start thinking negatively about the situation. Then ask yourself, "What can I learn from this? How can I become wiser and/ or stronger from this?"
Don't dwell on what just fell apart. Restructure the negative episode, and build a positive outcome that will provide a stronger result.
Think before you react. Sure, it's hard to do, but don't feed your mind with anything but positive strength.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
Why Does Everything Have to Go Wrong?
I am a career-long Registered Nurse (RN) and spent most my career working in the emergency room and the trauma unit. I stayed there for so many years because my work as an RN came from my heart and not my bank account. (Frankly, there isn't enough money in the world to pay someone for the work of an RN). Now I have phased out of ER but still do some Clinic work. My passion, however, has been refocused on helping others in a different way.
After my accident and two-week hospital stay, I still faced a very lengthy recovery and rehabilitation. I mention this so you'll know that I understand what someone faced with adversity is going through.
As well as being an RN, I'm also an entrepreneur — a business owner. So what does an entrepreneur and a nurse who had an accident have to do with you? As I've indicated, I hope to share encouragement through my words, which I hope will speak to your heart and soul, as I write about things we generally do not share with our families, our spouses, our children, or even our best friends.
I speak only from my heart through who I have become as a person and from the adversities I have faced in life. I speak from my heart as a nurse who has witnessed the adversities that individuals have gone through. I speak from my heart as a patient who has faced adversities daily. I also speak as an entrepreneur who has made and grown very successful businesses, from an embarrassing and humiliating negative bank balance into a lucrative lifestyle no one ever thought I could do by myself.
Now I want to share something we've all said at one time or another (some of us have said this a lot): "Why does everything have to go wrong?"
Yes, why does everything seem to go wrong? You might have a great few days, and then bam! You're knocked down for some reason. Now what? Do you just sit there and complain that you can never catch a break? Or say, "Why me? Why can't anything ever go right?" It takes a lot of energy and motivation out of you, doesn't it? You were on a roll when all of a sudden the rug got pulled right out from under you. Now what do you do? How do you handle these situations? Do you get up and start again, continue on, or just say, "Forget it. I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. It's not worth it. I'm too broke. I'm hurt. I lost everything. Nobody cares." The list of excuses and complaints is endless, but it may be more appropriate to ask yourself why it happened in the first place.
The reality is that everyone goes through adversity — challenges, hard times, misfortune, bad luck, hardships. It's never timely, and in fact, it may seem to follow you around. Challenges will happen in life, most of which you have no control over. That answers the question of why it happened in the first place. So that leaves the question of how are you going to handle it?
Many people have a very rough time when things suddenly become a crisis. In the sports world, it's called "choking" or that the pressure got to them. I am a golfer, and like golfers who play the hometown course, I do very well with my buddies when there is nothing at stake. But if I were to play in a tournament, the pressure might get to me, and I might play poorly. Professional golfers, even though they get used to the pressure, also have bad days or even a bad week. Professional baseball players are similar to golfers in that respect, and many times their poor performance is referred as "choking" when they drop fly balls. Those days happen when even the player feels like he couldn't catch a ball the size of a beach ball.
It may not be an athlete who "chokes"; it may be a speaker who suddenly can't talk in front of an audience. He or she becomes tongue-tied. Or a salesman, during a presentation or sales pitch, suddenly can't remember the name of the product or even the company he works for.
Not everyone stumbles under pressure, of course. Some people thrive under pressure. You may have heard of the "anchor" in sports, known for coming through when you need him or her. There's a pinch hitter in baseball who's sent in when there's a situation on the line for the game. Most team sports have those types of positions and/or people who are specifically in a position because they thrive under pressure. The corporate world has the same pressure-hungry folks who work better, get more done, or are more creative when they are under pressure.
Whatever the situation, those who can handle it when the chips are down generally are not born that way; it's not a hereditary trait. So why do some people handle pressure and adversity better than others? It is actually not a secret; it's a learned behavior.
The studies on this are endless, and you can spend a lot of time reading various theories, but I only want to address you and me.
I too have had many opportunities to take the "why me?" road. Consider my true story — a startling series of events with a tragic beginning. This story will show you another example of how you can take massive action or how having a positive mind-set affects outcome when the life you once knew it is suddenly turned upside down. This story also will show the different roads you can take when adversity puts you in that position of "Now what?"; "Why me?"; "Why now?"; "What can I do now?"; and of course, "Why does everything have to go wrong?"
Things only go wrong, if you let it ...
Nothing Is Going to Happen to Me
Life doesn't always happen the way you planned it.
Sure, you may take a step back or two that causes you to be late or that hands you more work than you expected. Sometimes, however, life takes an unexpected turn that throws you totally off guard. This unexpected obstacle is a bit different and most likely is something you've never experienced before.
Sometimes it takes a life-changing setback for you to truly understand the meaning of life. Until that life-changing devastation happens to you, you don't understand how much you take for granted. Until you experience that devastation, whether physical, emotional, or both, you may not understand the value of life.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Shattered ..."
by .
Copyright © 2019 Linda Frame, RN, CLNC, CCM..
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
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