She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

by Ian Kerner


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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780060538262
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 01/05/2010
Edition description: Reprint
Pages: 219
Sales rank: 9,924
Product dimensions: 5.40(w) x 8.10(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., is a sex therapist and New York Times bestselling author of numerous books. He contributes regularly to Today and lives in New York City with his wife and two young sons.

Read an Excerpt

She Comes First
The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman Chapter One She Comes First:
The Courtesy That Counts

Ladies first, gentlemen. When it comes to satisfying a woman, a little old-fashioned chivalry goes a long way.

Lest you think the importance of such courtesy is overexaggerated, direct your attention to Lorena Bobbitt, who, when questioned by police as to why she cut off her husband's penis, responded, "He always has an orgasm and doesn't wait for me. It's unfair."

Need one say more?

Men are designed for efficiency. It doesn't take much to get us aroused, it's a rather uncomplicated process, and we tend to come only once before requiring a "refractory period" (also known as the part where we turn over and start snoring). And depending upon our age, this period could last anywhere from a couple of minutes to a couple of days.

The simple fact is that male orgasms come easy. Masters and Johnson dubbed it "ejaculatory inevitability" and the late Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey, famous for interviewing thousands about their sex lives, declared that 75 percent of men ejaculate within two minutes.

But when it comes to the female orgasm, nothing's inevitable. As Sally Tisdale wrote:

Male sexuality seems different from mine fundamentally because nothing need be involved but the head and shaft of the penis, no other part of the body need be troubled, touched, undressed, or soiled ... the male orgasm has always seemed to me to burst almost from nowhere, to be infinitely more ready and willing than my own.

The female orgasm is a more complicated affair and often takes much longer toachieve during a session of sexual activity. In particular, her first orgasm is the most difficult to accomplish, requiring persistent stimulation, concentration, and relaxation. Is it any surprise, then, that researchers from the University of Chicago declared in the 1994 Sex in America Survey that men reach orgasm during intercourse far more consistently than do women, and that three fourths of men, but less than a third of women, always have orgasms. Less than a third! That means more than two out of three women on average are consistently denied their climax -- good reason to start hiding the cutlery.

Irony, bitter and cruel, seems to be embedded into our respective processes of arousal: that a woman, so unique in her sexuality, possessing both a clitoris -- an organ designed solely for the production of pleasure -- as well as the ability to experience multiple orgasms during a single session of sexual activity, should so often find this vast potential for blazing ecstasy smoldered -- a magnificent conflagration left unlit -- all for lack of a match that can hold its flame.

It's not a problem with the match, say many men, but rather that a woman's fuse is too long. Perhaps, but then this raises the question how long is too long? Studies, like those by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, have concluded that among women whose partners spent twenty-one minutes or longer on foreplay, only 7.7 percent failed to reach orgasm consistently. That's a shift of tectonic proportions -- from two out of three women not being able to reach climax to nine out of ten achieving satisfaction -- all because of a matter of minutes.

Few, if any, of the world's problems can be solved with a mere twenty minutes of attention, and yet here, in the complex sociopolitical landscape of the bedroom, we have an opportunity to create bilateral satisfaction. When put that way, in the context of sexual peace and equality, is twenty minutes of focused attention, applied appropriately, really too much to ask, especially if it can save your sex life?

Take the path of the true gentleman: postpone your pleasure. As Sir Thomas Wyatt, father of the English sonnet wrote, "Patience shall be my song."

Ushering a woman into orgasm is both exhilarating and liberating. When she comes first, anxiety and pressure are dispensed with; you are emboldened, empowered to pursue with gusto the gratification that awaits you -- a climax that will be heightened all the more for having been postponed.

I love to make my girlfriend come, I love to experience the whole thing -- the buildup and release of waves of pleasure, the surrender to ecstasy, the spasm of satisfaction, the momentary loss of self. It turns me on even more to know I made it happen." (David, 27)

What greater reward could a man ask for?

She Comes First
The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
. Copyright © by Ian Kerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

What People are Saying About This

Cindy Chupack

Required reading for all men who are dating and all women who are wondering why they're not satisfied.

Jauretsi Saizarbitoria

“Take note, guys. This book is your secret weapon.”

Sue Johanson

You've all heard about ‘lunch at the Y.' Well, this book will make it a feeding frenzy.

Customer Reviews

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She Comes First 3.9 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 92 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
She comes first is a good book for men about sex with women. It's got a lot of good info, including why women should orgasm first. (Makes sense to me.) It's one of the better guides on the market.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
It is written with much style. I appreciate the honesty and perspective in it. Maybe it's because I have no experience with this topic yet and am just learning for when I finally have the opportunities, but getting down to it; I thought the techniques described were complicated and confusing. The techniques could have been described clearer in some areas and some pictures, or better yet, an instructional DVD showing how to actually perform the techniques would make it easier to learn what the Kern is saying so they are performed correctly to get 'er done.
Guest More than 1 year ago
OH MY GOD!!! This is the absolutely best guide for men that I have ever read. I am a woman and picked it up to read the jacket and didn't lay it down. My curiousity was overwhelming. I read it in 2 sittings. I think it was right on. I actually had to keep looking back at the cover to make sure it was a man who wrote. Guys, this is the one! With this information and a little practice, your name will be on every woman's mind you touch for a very long time.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I must say that although this book may come across as a self help type of reading material its not this book enlightens the reader to go beyond the bounderies of the 'rules'of cunilingus and therfore bring a woman all that she most desires that being the feeling of the most extreme orgasm they mey have thus far expierienced but please by all means venture forward in the pursute of your companions happieness and pleasure she will be truely greatful to both you the reader and the amazing authors of this extrodinary era
Guest More than 1 year ago
I love this book! I go back to it all the time. Kerner has done the male species a huge service by writing this book. This book is constantly quoted on and deserves all the attention. There is tons of truth in this book because pleasing your woman is just the right thing to do.
Dr_Wilson_Trivino More than 1 year ago
This book She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner, PhD should be required reading for all men. Kerner, who admits suffering from pre-mature ejaculation, went on an odyssey to discover how he could satisfy his women lovers. This book is a good guide to the mystic inner workings to the physical sexual zone to women. Filled with diagrams, charts, and helpful hints, it demystifies women’s pleasure zones. This book is ideal for someone who wants to garner that extra edge to transform from average to a great lover. It also is the most insightful into giving oral pleasures and the sensual kisses a man can flicker on a woman’s hot spot. While men are built for speed, women are complex web relationships, both physical and mental. This book is a must read for men, women, and anyone who wants to get insight into women erotic pleasures.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book was less about cunnilingus and more about the author just trying to write a book. I was expecting to get lots of detail, techniques and tips on the subject but was disappointed to only find the book to have 10% useful information. There were a few useful pointers, however. Not a bad book if you are a beginner with no clue about the subject and are looking for any kind of advice. I think if there were more pictures and more positions it would have helped.
Guest More than 1 year ago
It delivers! I thought I knew how to please her, and I did know some things but man, now it is hot. When she's happy, she has no problem making me happy, if you know what I mean.
Guest More than 1 year ago
The book is content rich and is written in a very easy to understand and follow way. The author is definitely an expert in this area and provides 6-step plan to give orgasm to your girl every time. Of course, the accent is on oral stimulation although I think that the old fashion way should not be underestimated. The book is appropriate even for beginners because it contains a lot of information which experienced man/couples would know. Overall, this is very good book and I recommend it to you.
Guest More than 1 year ago
It is so exciting to have men writing books like this. I am a woman but I was so curious that I had to read this book, and I thought it was masterfully written and a brilliant idea. I hope men are reading this.
chazlarson on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
I was surprised that the first half is devoted to "Why you might want to consider doing this". That actually made me sad. The second half, the practical suggestions, was pretty good and informative, but not ground-breaking IMO.
AshtonS More than 1 year ago
Written like a meandering cookbook. The good: If you read long enough, and read through the author's personal ramblings, you will get some useful information. For me it was additional cues to acknowledge my partner's arousal. The bad: The book is broken down into three parts. Part 1 is basically a REALLY long preaching to the choir about why they might want to read this book and do this. Seriously, we bought the book, we want to do this already. It was very tiring to read this part and I feel detracted greatly from the quality of this book. This part is waxing philosophical about the importance of food if it were a cookbook. Part 2 lays out the information needed. It isn't the fastest to get there, but the information is there. Think of this part as a thorough description of the ingredients a cook might use and the flavors one could impart if you only had a recipe. Part 3 is supposed to be about bringing all of part 2 together. I'd say this part of the book is superfluous really if you read part 2 well enough. Back to the cook book analogy, basically this part is the actual recipes. Since much of what was talked about before more or less talks about reading you partner and moving things in response, I felt this section was unnecessarily rigid and counter-productive overall if you forced yourself to follow strictly. Overall though, there have been many worse books on the subject, and I know of none better.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Oceana214 More than 1 year ago
I bought this book so that I could become more comfortable with the idea of my husband enjoying me. It definitely turns him on to turn me on, but I guess I just always felt like it was more my job to please him. I now have a new outlook and am more confident in letting him please me. Just reading the book was enough to put me in the mood. I'm looking forward to letting go, and I know he is too! (And as a side...this was a much better read than Passionista)
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Read this book!, if you want to please your woman, or want to get better at what you already think you know about pleasing your woman.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Super helpful guide, male, female; whether you're into cunnilingus or not it's a great strategy guide to pleasing a woman!
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Unfortunately, I am married to a man "who knows it all." While he satisfies me most of the time using his tongue, there a numerous ways he could improve and most of them are in this book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Excellent book, very informative. However as with others hard to show nook to others with the other recommendations:)
Anonymous More than 1 year ago