Shrinkage: Manhood, Marriage, and the Tumor That Tried to Kill Me: Manhood, Marriage, and the Tumor That Tried to Kill Me

Shrinkage: Manhood, Marriage, and the Tumor That Tried to Kill Me: Manhood, Marriage, and the Tumor That Tried to Kill Me

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781250039842
Publisher: St. Martin's Press
Publication date: 04/29/2014
Pages: 336
Product dimensions: 9.30(w) x 6.40(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

Bryan Bishop has been the on-air sidekick for The Adam Carolla Show since 2006. What started as a syndicated morning radio show evolved into "The World's Most Downloaded Podcast," as certified by the Guinness Book of World Records. He has also appeared as a contestant on Comedy Central's Beat the Geeks and on the syndicated game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Bishop was born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area and currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Christie.

Read an Excerpt

PROLOGUE

If you’re reading this, it means I’m already dead.

Just kidding. I’m not dead. (Spoiler alert.) I’ve just always wanted to say that. It’s one of three things I’ve always wanted to say with 100 percent sincerity but never had the right opportunity. The other two:

“I suppose you’re all wondering why I’ve summoned you here tonight” and . . .

“Can your casino please provide me with a security escort so I can safely transport my winnings back to my helicopter?”

Of those three phrases, you can clearly see why I chose the first one to start off this book. Although, it’s technically not the first time I’ve used that line. Or maybe it is. You be the judge.

When I was first diagnosed with brain cancer at age thirty, my fiancée (Christie) and I decided to make out a last will and testament. In a sad reflection of my (im)maturity, I cared far less for what was in my will than how it started out. I insisted that it start with the line “If you’re reading this, it means I’m already dead.”

This was comedy of the highest order to me. To Christie, not so much. But this gallows humor would, I believe, help me get through whatever challenges cancer was going to throw at me. So please bear that in mind as you read this book. If a joke seems morbid or twisted or in some other way irreverent, just remind yourself, “This is the guy who thought it would be funny to start his last will and testament with ‘If you’re reading this, it means I’m already dead.’ ”

Please, enjoy.

Table of Contents

Foreword Adam Carolla xiii

Prologue 1

1 Breaking Bald; or, A Not-So-Mini Biography 3

2 Making ADHD Pay; or, How I Turned a Disorder into a Career 21

3 Falling in Love; or, "Will You Stop Talking Please? I'm Trying to Kiss You" 37

4 Signs of Trouble; or, "Christie, I'm Sick" 59

5 Diagnosis; or, "Whatever You Do, Don't Google Low-Grade Glioma" 69

6 The Worst Phone Call of My Life; or, "Mom and Dad? I Have Some Bad News" 78

7 Telling Adam; or, "So I Won't Be Able to Come to Work on Monday…" 83

8 Always Bet on Black; or, Everything I Know, I Learned from Watching Wesley Snipes Movies 92

9 Dr. Black; or, The "Rock" Star Brain Surgeon 96

10 Dr. McHottie and Dr. Redneck; or, The Rest of the Dream Team 103

11 The Worst People I've Ever Met; or, My Mount Rushniore of Douche Bags 113

12 Best-Case Scenarios; or, My Trip to the Sperm Bank 126

13 Chemo, Day One; or, A Journey of a Thousand Miles… 133

14 Radiation; or, "I Wonder What She Has" 138

15 My Feel-Good Playlist; or, "You've Got to Pay Your Dues If You Want to Sing the Blues" 146

16 Constipation and Other Early Symptoms; or, When the Shit Doesn't Hit the Fan 152

17 Sobering News; or, Announcing on the Podcast 159

18 Barbara's House of Healing; or, Alternative Therapies 164

19 "Rock" Bottom; or, The Day We Lost Our Engagement Ring 176

20 My Bachelor Party; or, I Can't Be the First Guy to Take Chemo in a Strip Club … Can I? 192

21 Lies Doctors Tell You; or, "You're Going to Feel Like a Million Bucks!" 199

22 Our Wedding; or, Michael Jackson, Simply Red, and Glow Sticks 206

23 Our Honeymoon; or, The Time My Wife Drugged Me at a Kids Pool in Maui 217

24 Worsening Symptoms; or, "You're Not Driving a Car… Are You?" 225

25 My Brother's Wedding; or, "Stuck in Lodi Again" 236

26 Drew Brees, My Secret Admirer, and Poop; or, My Greatest Regrets 247

27 Physical Therapy; or, Koosh Balls, Crutches, and Brightly Colored Shirts 258

28 "Sleepless Nights" and "Pain"; or, Christie's Story 262

29 Avastin; or, The Big Gun 270

30 Inpatient Therapy; or, The Closest I Ever Got to a Threesome 278

31 Family Stress; or, Save the Drama for Your Mama 288

32 The Exam of a Lifetime; or, My Next MRI 297

33 "Laughs for Bald Bryan"; or, "Baby, How?!" 300

34 Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying; or, Italy 308

35 Razor Blades; or, How a Trip to Costco Became My Most Life-Affirming Moment 314

36 Epilogue; or, Postscript, Afterword, Coda, Dénouement, Etc. 316

Acknowledgments; or, Thanks, Shout-Outs, Etc. 319

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Shrinkage: Manhood, Marriage, and the Tumor That Tried to Kill Me: Manhood, Marriage, and the Tumor That Tried to Kill Me 4.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 12 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I picked up the hardcover last weekend. This is a very well done book. There are quite a few laugh out loud funny parts, and also quite a few "I hope nobody is looking at me as I'm balling my eyes out" parts. Anyone who has been through cancer, or with a loved one will really relate to this book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Both heartbreaking and hysterical!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This was a great read.  I laughed I cried.  Thanks  Bryan and Christie for telling your story. 
pmrbooks More than 1 year ago
fighting cancer ... well done
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Even more of an emotional rollercoaster than I expected. Had me both laughing and sobbing uncontrollably. Charmingly honest. I could not stop reading.
lambiepie More than 1 year ago
HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!!!! 5 Stars. One of the most enjoyable books I have read since "Wild"...
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Could not put this book down. An amazing story, thanks for sharing Bryan. Amazing humor & wit while dealing with a horrific batlle. Inspiring.
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