×

Uh-oh, it looks like your Internet Explorer is out of date.

For a better shopping experience, please upgrade now.

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed
     

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

4.6 16
by Lance Carbuncle
 

See All Formats & Editions

Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master's house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed

Overview

Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master's house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed" is the story of Idjit Galoot's ne'er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves. Along the way, Idjit's owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp-dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b-list poopie-groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster deity, and the Florida Skunk Ape.

Product Details

BN ID:
2940044701816
Publisher:
Lance Carbuncle
Publication date:
07/04/2012
Sold by:
Smashwords
Format:
NOOK Book
Sales rank:
326,302
File size:
2 MB
Age Range:
18 Years

Related Subjects

Meet the Author

The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium and he’s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since. Carbuncle is an ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Carbuncle doesn’t eat deviled eggs and he doesn’t drink cheap beer. Carbuncle doesn’t wear sock garters. Carbuncle does tell stories. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through a pathetic little man who has to work a respectable job during the days in order to feed the infestation of children in his house. Carbuncle's first novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, and his recently released Grundish and Askew are sold through Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com. More reviews of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, and Grundish and Askew can be found on Amazon and Barnesandnoble.com.

Customer Reviews

Average Review:

Post to your social network

     

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

See all customer reviews

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed 4.7 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 16 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I'd love to read on my nook
JanetD39 More than 1 year ago
I would have to describe Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed as the story of THE road trip from Hell, and the Devil has the best sense of humor this side of Hades.

The anti-hero is what I would describe as the quintessential loser. He is a 35 year old guy that still lives in the basement of his mom¿s house, is a connoisseur of the ¿finest¿ psychedelics and beer, and his best friend is his old Basset Hound named Idjit Galoot. His mother loses track of the lovable pooch and his owner has to go and get him back.

On the road trip, our hero encounters some extreme characters and situations, from the ¿seasoned¿ waitress at the local dive bar to the infamous Florida Skunk Ape.

As a Florida native, I could appreciate the many bizarre and bewildering experiences he faced while on this journey, from the massive and almost fatal fire ant hill that might as well be a mountain, seeing the Everglades while driving along Alligator Alley, the long drive down the coast of Florida on A1A, the backwoods neighbor that picks up road kill and cooks a stew out of it and makes interesting creations out of the remains.

The journey he finds himself on is crazy, bizarre, hilarious, mind-boggling, and at times perverse, but it is always damn funny. Our hero is at times dense and moronic, but at the same time endearing.

Once I got this fantastic book in my hands, I could not put it down. I must recommend it to anyone with a sick sense of humor and who doesn¿t take life too seriously. Sometimes you just have to roll with it.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
Idjit Galoot is the spirit guide on this outrageous road trip. When mom decides to move to Florida, Idjit¿s unemployed and troubled owner is sent on ahead with his equally unemployed cousin in the moving truck. When Idjit is left behind, he must warn and advise his owner through dreams. As the trip progresses events become increasing bizarre, grotesque and funny. Daddy, though deceased, preserved and decorated still manages a role in this dark journey.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Of all days for the dog to get out. Idjit Galoot, the senescent bassett hound, chooses Moving Day to slip his leash and go Walkabout. Now he's wondering where everybody's gone, and his charmingly dysfunctional master, whose sole focus heretofore has been getting high, watching TV, and diggin' Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, is galvanized into action. Find that dog! How hard can *that* be? In the classic tradition of dark satire from Gulliver to Billy Pilgrim, from Curious George to Candy, the nameless protagonist of 'Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed' by Lance Carbuncle sets out on a simple mission - go back and find that silly old dog before something happens to him - and finds himself on an out-of-control joyride that makes the Temple of Doom look like a Dream Vacation. Perhaps things'd've gone more smoothly if he hadn't gotten conned out of his soul. And no question the whole operation would've gone down more simply if he'd left Daddy at home, since Mom had honored Dad's final wishes by having him stuffed and mounted in his favorite recliner. And certainly being wanted in connection with destroying a national landmark, as well as unspeakable sexual atrocities, can add a ... complication, or two. Not to mention the embarrassment of having your vintage high school picture 'with a mullet for godssake' all over the TV. Throw Skunk Apes, mystic visions, a hurricane, a giant Bratwurst, and a 102-year-old Bluesman into the mix and you've got yourself one wild ride. Think Wonderland and Oz. Think Uncle Scrooge, only without the benefit of a Junior Woodchucks Manual and Survival Guide. Think Good Clean Fun, only ... without the Good and Clean. One caveat: Laughter, it is written, is Powerful Mojo. Be prepared for sudden bouts of involuntary spasms and nasal ejecta. Get 'Smashed,' and L, as they say, OL!
Guest More than 1 year ago
Hilarious! I really didn¿t have the time to start reading it but decided to read the first couple of pages ¿ before I knew it I was on chapter 10! The next few nights I neglected everything just to finish reading the book. On the first night my husband saw how far I got and he insisted he read it next. This will definitely be a book that I give out for birthdays, Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanza to those who I know will like the sick, inappropriate, twisted and demented humor that this book provides. Who knows maybe I'll give it out at Halloween too.
Guest More than 1 year ago
When Idjit Galoot and his master are unfortunately separated, a hilarious roadtrip ensues. I read this book in about a day and a half. I couldn't put it down! Off color humor and interesting footnotes make this book a hit! I LOVED it!
Guest More than 1 year ago
fantastic book, from start to finish. the story was written in such a way that i feel like i know the author and all of the characters. ive passed this book on to a few friends who have loved it as well! glad i got it!
Guest More than 1 year ago
A highly irreverent, troubling, hilarious, vocabulary boosting, road trip, carnivale, extravaganza... To keep it short and sweet: Excellent! Read it!
Guest More than 1 year ago
Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed is an instant classic. Brain numbingly funny and entertaining till the last word. This book is guaranteed to make you laugh out loud 'and perhaps a little vomit may rise in doing so'. Lance Carbuncle is a genius of comedic proportions and will leave us all begging for more. My final summation is, read this book or one day you'll die feeling like you missed something very important. Now you don't want that, do you?
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book kept my attention the entire time and made it hard for me to ever put it down. I laughed so much and am now ready for the movie. I recommend it to anyone that has a sense of humor and even if you dont enjoy reading, you will when you read this book.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book made me laugh, a lot! If you don¿t mind off-color adult humor and you want to read something funny, this one is worth checking out.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Mr. Carbuncle must be a very disturbed man. But he knows how to write and how to make his readers laugh. I loved the bizarre footnotes throughout the book and the subtle literary, pop-culture and musical references. If you're looking for cute and cuddly, turn around and run the other way. If you like sick and twisted humor which is weaved into a good story line and hilarious characters, then pick up this book and be ready to laugh.
Guest More than 1 year ago
LOVED IT. Lance Carbuncle weaves a colorful tale of one man's travels in search of the love of his life - his dog. Page-after-page of absurdly sick but well-written mayhem kept me reading nonstop until I read the last word. Not lacking in dark humor, this book skirts the edge of good-lord-don't-go-there humor. But, it does go there, and the end result is hilarious and supremely entertaining. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is as much about the journey as the destination. If you like the twisted genius of Christopher Moore or the entertaining journey of Jack Kerouac's On the Road, you'll enjoy this read. Anxiously awaiting the next Lance Carbuncle...