Smelling My Own Coffee

Smelling My Own Coffee

by Carol Samuels

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Overview

Smelling My Own Coffee by Carol Samuels

Smelling My Own Coffee: Sixty-Five Moments of Thought offers a book of answers that touches hopefully on every segment of life. Focusing on both verbal and nonverbal language, author Carol Samuels examines many aspects of emotions both secret and acknowledged-those that are universal, and those that are unfelt. She expounds on love, hate, loss, quiet encouragement, and faith, exploring the whos, whats, whens, wheres, hows, and just becauses needed to fully experience life and all it has to offer.

Offering a sort of field manual for feelings, Smelling My Own Coffee attempts, through poems, statements, thoughts, and vignettes, to answer or give meaning to words that address the virtues, principles, and substances of life.

Moonshine

Moonshine shimmering on the ocean's water
Moonshine sparkling like diamonds on dew frosting the blue grass pastures
Moonshine clear, cool, cold, colorless yet shining in an air of peacefulness
Moonshine mellow almost shyly showing one side only to those who peer
Moonshine hypnotically almost mockingly exposing more than less....
Less than more than the night before

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781450265157
Publisher: iUniverse, Incorporated
Publication date: 12/03/2010
Pages: 148
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.32(d)

Read an Excerpt

Smelling My Own Coffee

Sixty-Five Moments of Thought
By Carol Samuels

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2010 Carol Samuels
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4502-6515-7


Chapter One

    1. WORDS
    Words written without meaning
    Words uttered without thoughts
    Words heard without understanding
    Words spoken without feeling
    Words used as tools
    Words used as weapons
    Words used as manipulators
    And a lot of times it's even
    The absence of words that
    Causes the abuse of words

    With this in mind how should
    I speak to thee
    Should I write love letters
    To melt your heart
    Should I cuss and stamp to
    Shock and upset you
    Should I tease and threaten you
    To scare and frighten you
    Should I tell you my feelings
    Only to have them misconstrued
    Twisted around and used against me

    There should be a law against
    Words not used to comfort
    There should be a law against
    Words not used as lullabies
    There should be a law against
    Words not used to bring joy
    ..............in
fact
    There should be no language
    With words other than those
    Needed to express
        Sincere
            Love and caring


    2. MELT DOWN......

    I wake each morning wandering
    If the world is still intact
    Turn the light on wondering if
    We have had a blackout.....
    And since this movie China syndrome
    Wandering if we are having a meltdown....
    Then with the thoughts of death,
    The anxiety heightens and I wonder ...
    Why you can't treat me better
    In this life.....Why you can't tell me
    You love me ... Why you can't tell me
    I'm beautiful ... Why you can't tell me
    I'm smart ... Why you can't say
    You miss me all day ... Why can't you say
    You work every day so you can give me
    The moon..

    Food doesn't have taste until
    I cook it and put it on your plate ...
    Words don't have sound until
    I say them ... clothes don't have color
    Until I wear them ... put me on a pedestal
    And call me princess ... that is the way
    I want to be treated ... that's what I want
    To hear ...

    In fact I have come to the
    Conclusion all I want you to do is
    Lie to me ... lie to me and make me sing and
    Dance ... lie to me and make my head spin ...
    Lie to me and make me jump up and down
    Or better yet don't lie to me!!!!....
    Try saying I'm not beautiful....
    I'm not smart ... I'm not rich and you
    Can't buy me the moon ... and you don't
    Know anything about a pedestal ...
    Say my cooking isn't great ... my
    Sewing is lousy ... and my cleaning is
    Mediocre ... but!!!! , even with that
    Against me you can't fight loving me!!!
    Now lord I don't know if the earth is
    Ready....... but behind a few words like that
    Wow!!! It would be just a matter of a
    Count down ... before my personal
    Melt down!!!!!!


    3. FRIENDSHIP LOVE

    Hello or should I say hello ...
    Hello and how are you is the
    Usual and yet it's not just right ...
    After all most people using hello
    And how are you just use it as
    A phrase not as greetings and
    Salutations ... but as greetings and
    Hallucinations ... yes hallucinations ...
    Yes the greeting is there but ....
    Your answer to how are you makes
    Little or no difference,
    It's like saying hell-o ... hell did I have to see you,
    And Oh well since I did ... not hel-lo
    God bless you and I'm glad I have
    a chance to greet you ... .
    But I do want to say this ...
    I want to say hello and how are you ...
    Because the more I think of you
    The more I think of you.
    So don't tell me how you are ...
    I want to see how you are ...
    I want to see by the way
    you walk, whether each step is firm ...
    Whether each step follows the previous
    Like a note in a harmony
    Or should I say does the melody of your footsteps ride
    easy on my ears.... let me look at you,
    at your eyes are they shallow pools
    of heartache wanting to cry out,

    Are they bloodshot with confusion?
    No don't tell me how you are, ...
    Let me feel you, touch you, see if your
    head is hot with fever, if you're neck
    cold with tension, if your hands are
    clammy with nervousness or hard with
    pent-up hostility,
    Let me feel your shoulders do they become rigid to my
    touch ... but most of all ... let me embrace
    you just for a second ...
    It's long enough
    to know if all is well ...

    How would you look if I said I love you ...
    Would you look at me the way you did
    when you saw me with someone else ...
    Hating yet hurt.... speechless yet screaming
    obscenities ...
    Staring with eyes that stabbed ...
    I could say that I understood but would it
    be true and was it fair for you to condemn ...
    But then have I been fair with you.
    Have I not put you on a pedestal and loved and
    worshipped you and expected you to live
    in the narrow guidelines that are in my mind,
    Narrow because they didn't include all
    things or weren't prepared for all things,
    Narrow because if you sometimes deviated
    from what I thought should be your natural
    course ...
    I was shaken, upset, maddened .......
    Because I would feel it was beneath you ...
    Had I judged you too highly?
    I no!!! never....
    But aren't we all guilty of being too stagnant
    I with your loved ones ... I ask how would you
    feel if I said I love you, ...
    A love so sweet and innocent and gentle ...
    like a warm breeze engulfing you, protecting you, smoothing and
    comforting you.... a spiritual love in my soul,
    in my mind, in my body....
    What if I said my heart beats for you, but that wouldn't be true
    My heart beats for me in my body ... this is deeper,
    This is in my soul and my mind.... time can't erase
    it or weaken it,.... and what would you say if I said
    I love you ... and I don't have to see you to love you,
    I have seen you ... I don't have to speak to you,
    to love you, I have spoken to you,.... I don't have to
    touch you to love you, I have touched you ...
    Then would you ask yourself.....then why would
    I say I love you if not to be with you.....
    Could it be to let you know that in your moments of
    loneliness ... you're not alone ... in your moments
    of hopelessness all is not bleak,
    To let you know when you are down ..
    There is someone to help you up ... when you are sad I'd like to make
    you happy ... I will always have a shoulder for
    you to lean on, an open ear to listen and a
    hand stretched out ... I'm not your lover....
    But I will always love you... ....
    I am your friend ... if you need me just call
    I'll have time for you because I'll make time for
    you,.... friend........


    4. ESCAPADE

    I said 29 ... he thought 40.....
    I felt 50 ... he acted 35...... ...
    It was all wrong.....
    And yet ... such a delight
    I was tall ... he was short
    We were both the same
    height....
    Looking in his eyes
    Gave me such a
    wonderful fright.....


    5. ROSE COLORED GLASSES

    How many times need I say I love you,
    How many times need I shed the same
    tears and how many times will you
    wipe them away and not even know I cried
    ... or smile and nod without hearing a word
    ... how many times will my screams be muffled
    by the many other problems of the day....

    No you can't see my tears in the rain
    No you can't hear my screams in my laughter
    No you can't judge my hunger by the plate
    before me
    No you can't feel the pain that dwells
    deep within me ...

    Will an aspirin here,.. a tissue there....
    Maybe a joke now ... food and water.....
    Then ... solve mine and the woes of the
    world ... maybe yes but how can I say???
    I'm afraid to think the thoughts that
    would ask the questions that could ...
    Would give me the reasons why.... or
    maybe it is not the reasons why but
    how ... how do I find my way back through
    the woods ... in from the rain ... out of the
    darkness....

    Yes I walked the plains and I know there
    is no shelter ... yes I experienced the calm
    Before the storm ... yes I heard that light
    can be so blinding.... but there is a way a passage,
    It is not north ... it is not south ... it is not west
    ... it is not east ... we all know that it is not up ...
    Since we know not which direction that is....
    So maybe we'll just settle down....

    Yes I shall go jogging, what better time
    To set my pace after all my stage is set
    And as long as I am to be this character
    Then I should perform ... could life be more
    than a performance.....
    Could love be more than a show ... do we not take cue from the
    next actor and then act our part until
    we're interrupted by the next fool to perform.....
    Questions.... questions.... to be answered by
    questions with questions which give way to more questions ...
    No let's not give answers for that may end my
    Depression ... no let's not give answers for it
    Would kill my frustrations ... no let's not give
    answers for it would dry my eyes ... no let's not
    give answers for it would heal my wounds....
    No let's not give answers for it will fulfill
    my hunger ...

    Let's just reach for the rose colored glasses....
    Yes the show must go on..... you're playing your
    part oblivious to the rest of the world.... but
    for some strange reason ... every so often you
    look, no you stare and there's sympathy ... no.
    there's empathy.... no there is tenderness.... no
    there's sadness.... could you be seeing me....
    my pain ... my tears.... my shattered dreams....
    Or could
      You just
        Be looking
          Over your
            Rose colored glasses
    And seeing the real you that I mirror...... ...


    6. UP.... DOWN..... AROUND....

    UP.... DOWN..... AROUND....
    I HEARD THE WORD UP
    AND I LOOKED UP ...
    I HEARD THE WORD DOWN

    AND I LOOKED DOWN.....

    I HEARD THE WORD LOVE
    AND I LOOKED ALL AROUND
            ..... AROUND
            ....... AROUND
    ...... .... AROUND


    7. EGO TRIPPING

    He asked me did I miss him
    and I said yes
    He asked me did I need him
    and I said yes
    He asked me did I love him
    and I said yes
    He asked did I want him
    and I said no....

    No I don't want you
    if you have to ask do I miss
    you ...
    No I don't want you
    If you have to ask do I need
    you
    No I don't want you
    If you have to ask do I love
    you

    You can see by my eyes that
    I love you ...
    You can feel by my touch that
    I need you.....
    You can tell from my embrace
    that I miss you ...
    No I don't want you 'cause your
    asking tells me this is not love
    You're in ...
    it is an ego trip you are on

    You may think that you love me
    but you don't
    You may think that you're infatuated
    with me, but ... you're not
    No I don't want you.......
    You might even miss my missing you
    when I'm gone....
    You might need my needing you
    when I'm gone
    You might even hate my loving you
    when I'm gone 'cause the ego be's that
    way ...
    The ego wants,
    The ego needs,
    The ego misses
    but the ego doesn't give....
    The ego doesn't love.....
    So no I don't want you......


    8. LOVE

    Love is merely a four lettered word
    That can't be measured
    ............ can't be weighed ...
    .......... can't be used
    ... can't be abused
    ... can't be broken
    ..... can't be crushed
    ... can't be rushed
    .. can't be seen
    Can't be smelled
    Can't be tasted
    Can't be wasted
    Can't be touched
    Can't be felt
    Can't be eatened
    Can't be drunk.
    Can't be defined................... and
    yet.... it's been proven to......
    Make the sick, well
    Make the small, grow
    Make the hungry, full
    Make the blind, see
    Make the crippled, walk
    Make the deaf, hear
    Make the dumb, talk
    Make the bad, good
    Make the weak, strong
    Make the old, young
    and
        make
           the
           heart
          beat.!!!!!!!!


    9. NO THOUGHT

    She needed to think a thought an
    idea, a preponderance, a mental image
    but none came
    she felt a forcing, a pushing,
    a pulling, maybe just a yearning....
    her mind was blank, bleak, dead

    No this was not death
    death has a way of making your
    life pass before you.... not this
    lost muddy weird whirlpool of
    nothingness

    Or had the mind just have taken
    off and left for the day, for the
    moment, forever.... without giving
    that last run back, that final
    replay that last fling of repentance
    If she could just think about
    what to think about or maybe this
    was what her mind was escaping....


    Her constant mental chaos, her mental
    jungle, her mental wars of smaller
    mental battles fighting for
    individual attentions.... no ...
    lets hope not, for her last thoughts
    were too many, about too many things
    of no importance

    Importance.... priorities..... concrete
    realities ... wow, now that's some heavy
    powerful thought words right there,
    those kinds of idea words could lead
    lead you straight to philosophy, 'round
    ideology, through theology and right up
    beside intellectuality......

    No we can be sure her mind had never
    tangled with any thoughts, words,
    ideas, visions or dreams that would
    ever make her think thoughts along
    those lines or surely we would
    understand why her mind was blank,
    blown, shot, or dead ...

    At long last have we figured her out,
    could her thoughts of nothingness,
    of beauty, of monsters, of television,
    of fantasies unbiased lead her down
    this road ... could it be she finally has
    thought the last nothing thought,
    leaving her with nothing left to
    think about ... could she have thought
    all the nothing thoughts worth
    and unworth thinking about.........


    10. TIME'S A WASTING

    You ponder, wonder, think,
    and thought about it
    But...... time's a wasting
    Yes I should, now that I have considered
    this and that
    wait, no ... I shouldn't when I
    study that and the other
    but on the other hand I could
    reconsider......
    But..... time's a wasting
    No, naw, maybe not
    Yes, if only ... sure ...
    A definite maybe ...
    If and but.....
    But........ time's a wasting
    Wait let me rest, regroup, think,
    Meditate on this then.......
    I shall get down to business
    And I shan't lose a minute....
    But........ time's a wasting.


    11. LANGUAGE SWITCH

    I say sit and they're on their feet
    I say quiet and conversation flourishes
    I say sleep and they become wide awake
    I say eat and their appetite leaves

    So what is a mother to do
    Alas ... I have got it ...
    I have been speaking English when
    the language they understand is
    children ...
    So, now I have switched languages

    I say nicely stand over there
    You can be sure they will go and sit
    I ask who is responsible for this or
    that and immediately a hush comes
    over the room
    I say go to your room and study
    and everyone goes straight to sleep
    I say I am not cooking and everyone
    decides they want to eat....
    There is only one problem
    At what age do I switch
    back to English..........


    12. LOVE FROM WHERE

    You listen and wonder from what
    direction does love come....... from
    where does love evolve, or does it
    bloom like a flower from a seed
    planted in the mind or heart,
    fertilized with tears, and using
    rays of joy as sunlight,

    Or maybe it is like a vitamin processed like food,
    once you have eatened the thoughts
    of another, if the body can handle it,
    it is turned to nourishment and adds
    to the strength and fiber of the body,
    to the life and glow of the body......
    or is it your repentance ...
    your emotional succumbance, ... your
    lesson in humbleness ... your equilibrium
    which puts you in balance and in touch
    with the ultimate apex, yet making you
    acknowledge that the lost of it would
    be like being pushed into a bottomless pit.

    Oh lord does it come from you as a gift
    or is it sent from the devil as a torment,
    as delicious as the forbidden fruit.....
    is it sweet as candy ... captivating and
    suffocating as quicksand......
    Does it overwhelm you like a tornado
    sucking you in and throwing you around,
    yet never turning you loose ...
    Could it be like a warm breeze in the
    spring twilight, could it be the beauty
    of the setting sun on the horizon,

    Could it be the light feminine. scent
    of jasmine blowing in the air, or the macho
    scent of water after a hard rain on the
    fresh cut grass ...
    Or can it be simply be
    summed up as chemistry......
    like the amount of acid in your saliva
    or the amount of salt in your tears
    and perspiration,
    Or does it gallop in from the east like a
    horse of fiery.......
    bucking and snorting and kicking
    wildly at its peak and then
    slowly
    leveling
        off
        to a quiet
    self contained confidently
    satisfying calm contentment,
    that surrounds you much like
    sound
      sleep
        engulfs
          a baby........

(Continues...)



Excerpted from Smelling My Own Coffee by Carol Samuels Copyright © 2010 by Carol Samuels. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Contents

INTRODUCTION....................ix
DEDICATION....................xi
WORDS....................1
MELT DOWN....................3
FRIENDSHIP LOVE....................5
ESCAPADE....................10
ROSE COLORED GLASSES....................11
UP.... DOWN..... AROUND....................14
EGO TRIPPING....................15
LOVE....................18
NO THOUGHT....................20
TIME'S A WASTING....................23
LANGUAGE SWITCH....................24
LOVE FROM WHERE....................26
ALL IN A SPIN....................29
YELLOW ROSE....................30
JUST OUT HAVING A DRINK....................32
WHEN SHE DIED ALL THEY SAID WAS SHE WAS A HOOKER....................33
.... AND SHE WAS GIVEN SENILITY....................36
MOVING FAST GOING NOWHERE....................38
IN THE VERY END.... NO STRINGS ATTACHED....................39
SILENCE....................41
IN MY SOLITUDE....................42
DIVINE ORDER....................43
THINGS TO DO ALONG THE WAY....................44
SCREAMING SILENTLY....................46
IN YOUR SADNESS....................48
AND THE MOON REMAINS....................50
HAPPINESS IS....................51
WHAT DO I KNOW OF LIFE....................53
MOONSHINE....................55
RAINBOW....................56
DAY AND NIGHT....................57
-SUNRISE..... SUNSET....................58
NO LIFE/SUICIDE....................60
CAROL....................62
REHABILITATION ... LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN....................64
LIFE....................65
THE LORD SPEAKS....................67
BUT I AM NOT TURNING YOU DOWN....................68
GO ON HOME WAY FROM HERE....................70
YES I SMILE, I DANCE, AND ACT SILLY WITH JOY....................72
WHEN WILL BLACKS GIVE THANKS FOR THE AWESOME BLESSINGS....................74
SEE ME AS BLACK....................76
I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND BROTHERMAN....................80
OH MY LOVE PRAY FOR ME AND WORRY NOT....................83
MELANCHOLY....................84
A MOTHER'S THOUGHTS ON UNFINISHED BUSINESS....................86
THE SIMPLE LIFE....................89
INSIGHT....................91
THIS WORLD JUST AIN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE....................92
EYES ON THE FUTURE, LET NO HURDLE BE DISARMING....................95
AND I THOUGHT OF YOU....................97
STAY LONG MAN....................99
HANDS HELD....................104
ALWAYS THERE....................105
I TOUCHED SOMEONE ... WHAT DID YOU DO WHILE YOU WERE HERE....................106
A GIFT ON LOAN WE GIVE THANKS FOR THE PRIVILEGE, OPPORTUNITY, EXPERIENCE, AND GIFTS....................108
PEOPLE - AN IMPORTANT ELEMENT....................111
THE BEAUTY OF NO PAIN — HAPPINESS....................113
A FRIEND FOR THE NIGHT....................115
GRANNY WHEN YOU GON DIE....................117
THE LAST LAUGH OR A COMICAL TRAGEDY....................119
YOU ARE PROMISED TOMORROW....................122
LIFE IS A HORSE RACE....................124
SMELLING MY OWN COFFEE....................125
WHERE ARE YOU ... WHERE AM I....................128
GLOSSARY....................130

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