SpeedDating(SM): The Smarter, Faster Way to Lasting Love

SpeedDating(SM): The Smarter, Faster Way to Lasting Love

by Yaacov Deyo, Sue Deyo


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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780066212555
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 03/19/2002
Pages: 224
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.25(h) x 0.87(d)

About the Author

Yaacov Deyo is a graduate of Harvard, where he studied physics and Nicaraguan land reform. On a grant from Harvard, he was involved in conflict resolution in Belfast, Ireland. Returning home, he ran a homeless shelter in Boston. In 1996 he was ordained as a rabbi after seven years of advanced study at the Aish HaTorah Yeshiva. Yaacov and his students created SpeedDating events to help Los Angeles Jewish singles meet each other. Within a year, SpeedDating expanded to more than twenty-five cities worldwide and was featured in major media, including the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, People, the View, the Early Morning Show on CBS, NPR, and more. Currently Yaacov runs SpeedDating Worldwide, lectures on SpeedDating principles, and is the educational director of Aish Los Angeles, one of the largest Jewish education centers in the country.

Sue Deyo, a graduate of Stanford University, is a dating coach and often teaches the SpeedDating approach to dating. The Deyos live in Los Angeles, California.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Preparing to Date:
Essential Questions to Ask Yourself before
You Begin Dating or Commit to a Relationship

Each question in Part 1 explains a key dating principle that will help you date more effectively. This section clarifies some common misperceptions about dating and enables you to better understand the type of person with whom you will be able to form a lifelong relationship.

Since knowledge only becomes wisdom when it is applied, we've provided an exercise at the end of some of the questions. By taking a few minutes to complete each exercise, you will begin the process of applying the SpeedDating principles and making them your own.

Let's begin!

Question 1
What is my desired outcome?

The first step to SpeedDating is consciously committing to finding a lifelong, meaningful relationship -- and not settling for less. If you ask many people if they're thinking of a long-term commitment with the person they're dating, they'll say, “No, no, we're just dating.” You meet them three years later, and they're saying the same thing. For the SpeedDating process to work, dating must be seen as a vehicle for achieving a long-lasting, committed relationship.

But couldn't we assume that almost anyone reading this book is looking for a meaningful, lasting relationship? Certainly, yes. Yet you may be dating in ways that have little chance of success. You may be falling victim to relationships that seem headed in the right direction, but in fact are not. We like tosay that these relationships craft half of a lifelong relationship -- the long part! These long-term faux relationships are common time-wasters and heartbreakers because they typically last eight months to three years, but never hold the potential for lifelong commitment.

Let's examine a few such scenarios to help identify and avoid them in the future.

The Shaper

Shapers try to change the person they're dating into someone he is not in order to make the relationship work. When Shapers encounter a deal-breaker situation in a relationship, they believe that if just given enough time and persuasion, the other person will change.

Jane is a classic Shaper. When we met Jane, she was dating John. Jane admired John's intelligence, sense of humor, and strong work ethic. She believed they were perfect for each other. There was just one problem -- John's consuming passion for sports car racing. When he wasn't working, John spent the majority of his time devoted to his hobby -- either at the racetrack or at home working on one of his many cars. Jane disliked everything about this hobby. Cars didn't interest her, and she especially hated going to the track, where her emotions ranged from bored to terrified.

She figured that John would outgrow this hobby someday. She certainly couldn't imagine marrying someone who spent his life devoted to car racing. She bought John a tennis racket and lessons at the local health club. When he didn't develop an interest in tennis, she bought them both mountain bikes and would regularly suggest that they go for bike rides. For over eighteen months Jane tried to pull John away from his passion, with no success. Instead of recognizing and dealing with this deal-breaker situation, Jane continued to try to change reality.

There's nothing wrong with exposing a potential partner to areas of your life to see if he too will be interested, but it's unhealthy and unrealistic to try to mold a person into something he is not.

Had Jane been SpeedDating, she would have handled the situation differently. When she discovered that John, as wonderful as he was, was essentially married to a hobby she despised, she would first look within herself to see if in fact it was a deal breaker. If it was, she would have explored for a limited time the possibility that he might be open to expanding his interests beyond car racing. Once she saw that he had no desire to do this, and if it was a true deal breaker, she would have accepted that reality and broken off the relationship.

Whenever we suggest this approach to a Shaper, the immediate question asked is, But what if he changes after we break up? Our answer: He probably won't. If he does, you can reevaluate and perhaps restart the relationship. But holding on to the fantasy of him changing carries a great price: time, heartache, and -- for women who want to have children with a committed partner -- fertility.

The trap Shapers fall into is the mistaken belief that either they or time have the power to change someone. Many Shapers hold on to their fantasies because they lack confidence that they will meet someone as “great” as their current boyfriend. The reality is that while the Shaper is desperately holding on to a relationship destined for failure, Mr. Right may be passing, undetected, through her life.

The Shaper's mistake can be tragic. A while ago, Sue met a woman who had just broken up with her boyfriend of eight years. From the first month they began dating, he told her he would never get married. She heard him, but she didn't believe him. For eight years she believed he would change. He didn't. At age thirty-six she finally broke up with him. If her goal had not been marriage, this might not be a tragedy. But her dream was always to get married. She was convinced that this man was the one, and she spent nearly a decade of her life thinking that some day he too would realize this. While of course at thirty-six this woman's life is far from over, and she can certainly still meet her soul mate, this level of heartache leaves emotional scars that are difficult to recover from and may affect future relationships.

Shapers are typically women. It is well known in...

Speed Dating. Copyright © by Yaacov Deyo. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

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SpeedDating: The Smarter, Faster Way to Lasting Love 0 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 2 reviews.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book is written primarily for single Jewish woman, and, as such, it is not as useful for everybody else. Guys may find some of the advices inapplicable to them. I disagree with the authors that one (either male or female) has to pass all the tests to be another's soul mate. On the other hand, the advices on marriage and how to minimize the chance of divorce are useful.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I started reading the SpeedDating book about a month ago. I was skeptical at first as to how useful the information might be to me. Well, I'm only half-way through the book and have already drawn the conclusion that the information I've absorbed is invaluable. I am able to use examples provided in the book to reflect on past dating/relationship experiences and make connections with respect to the mistakes and errors in judgement that I have made in the past. I fully intend to complete the reading and pass it on to a lady friend of mine who is also in relationship limbo. My hope is that my future judgement lapses will be less and that I will not waste my time (and the time of others) in meaningless relationships. I recommend this book to anyone on the dating circuit, regardless of religon. While the cost of a hardbound book can scare off potential readers, think of it this way: The cost of this book is far less than one bad date. I would much rather spend my time curled up on the couch with quality reading than spend an evening looking at my watch wondering when the 'date' will end. And when that 'bad date' ends, where will I be: At home, curled up on the couch reading or watching TV, a bad taste in my mouth and alot less money in my pocket. A no brainer to me. Thank you Sue and Yaacov.