Stupid and Contagious

Stupid and Contagious

by Caprice Crane

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780446695725
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Publication date: 05/12/2006
Pages: 336
Sales rank: 746,483
Product dimensions: 5.25(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.75(d)

Read an Excerpt

Stupid and Contagious


By Caprice Crane

5 SPOT

Copyright © 2006 Caprice Crane
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0-446-69572-6


Chapter One

Heaven

My name is Heaven Albright and my husband of two years is cheating on me. I'm only twenty-five and you can argue that getting married at twenty-three is young, but I'll argue right back that people marry out of college and even high school, so considering that, it's not so young. Anyway, young or not ... the bastard is cheating on me. After I gave him the best years of my life.

He's cheating on me with someone he works with. A girl from his office who he didn't even think was cute at first, but after months of working long hours together and cultivating inside jokes, and commiserating over bad cafeteria food ... they're bumping uglies. It sickens me to even think about it. He'd always be so happy when he came home late from work, and you'd think I would have caught on because nobody's happy when they have to stay late at work. But I thought he just really enjoyed his job. Or maybe he was pissed off, but the minute he walked through the door and saw me, his bride of two years whom he loved and adored, all the day's annoyances would disappear. Poof.

But no. He would come home all smiles because he'd just gotten his rocks off with some little skank who probably wore twinsets and laughed like a hyena at their stupid inside jokes. I hate twinsets, with theirmatching fabric and color coordination and phony reserve. It's a known fact that twinsets are one of the most easily removed garments there is. Her name is probably Megan or Jessie, and she's probably a couple years younger than me. She's like me two years ago, but in a twinset. He's re-creating me even before I've had a chance to become the tired, old, sexually reluctant "ball and chain." I resent that. I'm not old.

Marriage sucks. People who tell you that you stop having sex after you get married are right. You just don't have it anymore. It's not like you say your I-dos and immediately stop. It takes a little time. Of course there's the honeymoon, and the first few months of playing horny housewife and helpful handyman, or slave girl and surprisingly warmhearted barbarian, or Winnie the Pooh and the Magical Honeypot. But after a while you stop shaving your legs, and he stops noticing, and it seems more practical to try to get a good night's sleep.

Brady

My name is Brady Gilbert, and I hate the window seat. Airplanes in general are a pain in the ass, and when I clearly stipulate that I want to sit on the aisle, a window seat is a personal affront that my secretary will be hearing about. If I had a secretary.

I'll just sit here and will nobody to sit in the aisle seat. That way I'll not only have the aisle seat, but I'll be able to achieve that almost-but-not-quite-comfortable sleeping position that inevitably ends up with a dead arm, stiff legs, and dried drool at the outer corner of my mouth. In front of complete strangers, no less.

Don't get me wrong ... sure, it's nice to look out a window. But at what price? Do I want to have to ask permission every time I need to take a piss? It's like needing a hall pass in school, but worse. These are strangers. And when I got a hall pass, I didn't inconvenience anyone. But to go to the bathroom on an airplane, I have to make awkward small talk and offer the obligatory apologetic shrug to a guy who's been hogging my armrest. Then he gets up just enough to let me squeeze by. He'll sigh as he gets up, not trying to make me feel guilty per se, but more like "Oh, these old bones of mine," which is crap unless he's over eighty. And he's not, he's just annoyed.

Then to add insult to injury, as I maneuver out of the "now more room than ever before" four inches of space, I hold on to the tacky fabric headrest of the seat in front of me and get a glance from that person, too. I'm making enemies left and right. Flight attendants hate me, too. Me and my devil-maycare bladder. Then when I come back, I have to do the dance all over again. Heaven help me if it's a three-seater with a middle seat. Not to mention the etiquette question of which way to pass my neighbors-crotch first or ass first?

I hate the window seat. So I wait, and I will. People are still boarding, but so far, so good. I've spotted the token hot chick that's way out of my league anywhere but in my overactive imagination. This is going to be a long flight. There is always that one hot chick, no matter where you're going, domestic or international, and never in the seat next to you. Or me.

Well, this flight's no different. In walks our token goddess of flight, and I shift all my willpower to connect her ass with the seat next to mine. Nothin'. But she smiled at me, or at least I think she did. Maybe she was smiling at the flight attendant who'd just given her an extra blanket. Just because.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from Stupid and Contagious by Caprice Crane Copyright © 2006 by Caprice Crane. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Stupid and Contagious 4.6 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 147 reviews.
risuena More than 1 year ago
It had its funny moments, but I wasn't laughing my head off. The style of the book was what I liked the best. The alternating view points and inner monolongues were great, interesting, and different. But the story itself was not that romantic, not that hilarious, nor not that thrilling.
Taberculosis More than 1 year ago
I loved this book! It had me laughing out loud and cracking up the whole time. I loved the characters and their thoughts.
Guest More than 1 year ago
If stupid and contagious is this book's master thesis, then trite, banal, and cliched are the likely descriptors. How many times have we seen (and be forced to see) these types of characters? A standard trope of pretentious, soul-dead manhattan socialite wannabes cut from the same cardboard that made Carrie Bradshaw a feminist icon (and an icon for reasons closer to the idea of empowerment than actual brevity). Those kinds of qualities can work well in a drama, as exampled in Neil Labute's film, 'Your Friends and Neighbors,' but given its burnt out retread in quirky chick-lit, any attempt by the less skilled normally adds up to riding on treacherous ground. Stupid and contagious tries WAY too hard to be funny, and in the process only serves to stoke the reader's awareness of it, thereby irritating us with how little it knows how to get laughs. In addition, the dripping references to pop culture will undoubtedly doom it to a dated existence within ten year's time--you get the feeling it was a novel written specifically for the latest MTV slave generation and it's avid holdovers from the 90's. You know, people influenced by bud lite commericials and tampax ads.
szferris on LibraryThing 5 months ago
ok....so i have not laughed this hard in a long time.....it really was laugh out loud funny....this is not a book for everyone.....if you don't like chick lit....don't bother...BUT if you need something light and funny to take your mind off things...this will do it. interestingly enough for me....i saw a lot of Brady in myself...which was strange....but i got a kick out of it.....it will be very interesting who they get to be in this film.....which surely has already been picked up by a studio (if they are smart.....hmmm...you have the rest of the year to make it and release in June or July....) really worth picking up to just have fun with!!
Kace on LibraryThing 5 months ago
I didn't like the beginning of the book. It was weird for me, but the voice(s) of the story intrigued me enough that I soldiered on. I'm glad I did. Heaven is a little bit psycho, and I don't think I'd want her as a neighbor, with her predilection for opening others mail, and bulldozing her way into lives...but shes hilarious from afar.The alternating voice/chapters, sometimes only 1 page long, was annoying at first. I've read books with this voice a lot, but the author carried it out with style. Loved the book. It was funny, whimsical, sharp. The characters are people I'd love to meet, hang out with, party with at the Riot Hotel. Another fun trait of the book, was the pop culture references...it was like recognizing a bit of yourself in the book when you'd read them.This book was heads above her second book Forget About, which petered out for me in plot. Still great writing, the plot suffered though. I'm excited to the next great thing from Caprice Crane.
butterflybaby on LibraryThing 5 months ago
Heaven is an out of work PR agent. Brady owns his own record label. This is the story of the year they met. Heaven is a person that things seem to come to. She is brilliant and psycho. Brady is coming to terms that he doesn't want his life to continue to be just like everyone else. I really connected with the characters. This book had me laughing out loud. I really looked forward to picking up this book.
mabrown2 on LibraryThing 5 months ago
This book has fast become one of my guilty pleasures. The two main characters are flawed but loveable and the story is as hilarious as it is poignant. There are a lot of great music and pop culture references sprinkled throughout the entire book. I actually laughed out loud on several occasions while reading this book and that doesn't often happen with me.
LilyEvans on LibraryThing 8 months ago
A fluffy chick lit. God, even though I read this last night, I still can¿t remember the names of the main characters, that¿s how unmemorable it is. Oh, okay, a girl named Heaven falls in love with Brady. Heaven OMGZ always messes things up and Brady OMGZ can¿t stand her and they eventually fall in love YAYZ. It started out promising at first but the ending sucked. It was really hilarious at times, though, sometimes making me laugh out loud.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I've read this book more times than I can count and it still cracks me up.  The characters are deliciously entertaining and feel fresh amongst the current sea of damaged tycoons and their attractive employees.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
babsped More than 1 year ago
This book had some funny moments and it was cute. There were some great references to pop culture and music. Not a book that I will remember nor are the characters that memorable.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is honestly one of the best books I've ever read. And I've read a lot of books. It's funny, charming, sarcastic, and an all around good read. Trust me when I say you will not regret buying/reading this book.
Awesome514 More than 1 year ago
I picked this up because I liked the title, but I couldn't have anticipated that I would find a new favorite! Unique, imaginative, quirky, and hilarious.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I had a blast reading about the craziness this two kept getting into! I have told all my friends to check this out.
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