A lawyer with a well-stamped passport and a passion for human rights, Lisa-Jo Baker never wanted to be a mom. And then she had kids. Having lost her own mother to cancer as a teenager, Lisa-Jo felt lost on her journey to womanhood and wholly unprepared to raise children.Surprised by Motherhood is Lisa-Jo’s story of becoming and being a mom, and in the process, discovering that all the “what to expect” and “how to” books in the world can never truly prepare you for the sheer exhilaration, joy, and terrifying love that accompanies motherhood.Set partly in South Africa and partly in the US (with a slight detour to Ukraine along the way), Surprised by Motherhood is a poignant memoir of one woman’s dawning realization that being a mom isn’t about being perfectit’s about being present.
|Publisher:||Tyndale House Publishers|
|Product dimensions:||5.50(w) x 8.10(h) x 0.80(d)|
About the Author
Lisa-Jo Baker is the social media manager for DaySpring and the community manager of the company’s website, www.incourage.me, an online home for millions of women the world over. She shares her everyday life lived in between kids and chaos at LisaJoBaker.com and is a contributor to HuffPost Parents, and her writings on motherhood are syndicated from New Zealand to New York. Born and raised in South Africa, Lisa-Jo currently lives outside Washington, DC, with her husband and their three very loud kids.
Read an Excerpt
Surprised by Motherhood
Everything I Never Expected About Being A Mom
By Lisa-Jo Baker, Stephanie Rische
Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.Copyright © 2014 Lisa-Jo Baker
All rights reserved.
motherhood is a superpower
Hardware stores used to intimidate me. All those aisles of wood—two-by-fours or four-by-eights or ten-by-twelves—I have no idea. It's like an entire store full of math. And math has never been my friend. The rows of glue and tools and things that require electrical wiring skills are only somewhat more intimidating to me than the men who work there. In their gruff orange aprons, they seem to be able to smell estrogen from a mile away, and I've always been sure they would shut down any communication attempts at the first whiff. Nothing terrified me more than having to ask where the air filters were. I'd rather have walked laps around the store than be forced into admitting my sense of deep confusion and desperate need for storewide GPS to make it out with my dignity intact.
The gym could make me feel the same way. Stocked with so much big equipment that fit, sweaty people who don't at all look like they need to be there in the first place seem to know intuitively how to use, these places have always struck me as a clubhouse I'm not cool enough or brave enough or fit enough to enter. My friend Katherine could tell you about the time I showed up at a gym in an outfit that screamed, "I have no idea what I'm doing here" and sneakers that added, "I've never been on a treadmill in my life and would prefer to go back to walking the mall, where I belong." I did one obligatory circuit before I hightailed it out of there and didn't return for a decade.
It didn't matter that I'd gone to law school, worked overseas in jobs with big titles, or been through a bunch of passports, or that I spoke several languages; I always felt ridiculous anytime I entered either a hardware store or a gym.
But then I gave birth to three human beings.
Not all at the same time, mind you (although it sort of felt that way the first time around). I grew a baby and pushed him out and lived to tell the tale. And a few weeks later I walked into the biggest, most macho super-trendy gym in our neighborhood. I walked past the rows of workout machines. Past the aerobics studios and stationary spinning bikes. Past the pool and the warm-up area and the indoor track all the way into the deep, far recesses that housed the gym equivalent of a "man cave"—the weight room.
I walked in wearing pink and just stood there. I surveyed the landscape of muscles and testosterone and weight-lifting hulks, and I didn't blink. At home in my brand-new, brave body, I stood and let the rush of assurance run through me that I wasn't afraid anymore. I had scaled Everest. I had run with the bulls. I had shot the rapids. I had bungeed with the best of them. I had done something that required a kind of strength none of the men in that room could imagine, let alone replicate.
I just stood there and let the braveness seep all the way through me, and in my mind I might as well have been Kate Winslet, with arms spread eagled over the tip of the Titanic, yelling, "I'm flying, I'm flying!" And it was true. Just with much less glamor and a lot more call for nursing pads.
It was like discovering a superpower—becoming a mom for the first time. It has led me to believe that motherhood should come with a superhero cape along with the free diaper bag and samples you get when the hospital sends you, otherwise defenseless, home.
* * *
But the feeling fades. It fades under the mounds of laundry and more diapers than any of those pre-baby war stories could have prepared you for. It is threatened by the mundane reality that you will never be alone again. Ever. And that a baby would put an FBI tracking device to shame for the strength of its orbital pull on a new mother, who cannot leave the driveway let alone the neighborhood without what feels like years of planning.
So we turn to books. We buy bookshelves full of good advice from well-meaning experts who manage to make us feel even more tired than we did to begin with. Seven years ago, I thought there was a formula to parenting—you do what the books tell you to do, and then the baby does what the books tell him to do. I'd aced college and law school and figured motherhood would go down the same way. It turned out my baby had completely different plans in mind.
Motherhood became the first test, other than federal taxation, that I thought I was truly going to fail.
I would read all those books that tell you when the baby should be sleeping and when the baby should be eating and when the baby should be this, that, and the other thing-ing, and all I would see was a big, fat red F. Jackson did nothing according to anybody's schedule but his own.
And he threw up a lot. I would finally get him to eat, and he would look at me deadpan, cough, and puke it all out again. Forget crying over spilled milk, I wept over what felt like oceans of baby puke.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart. And it's especially not for those type A personalities accustomed to having all their ducks in a row, all their check boxes checked, and their sofa cushions, cereal boxes, and entire lives neatly arranged.
I had a nursing chart. I'd harnessed my elementary school poster-board and marker skills and set up a timetable. After each feeding, I would dutifully put a check mark in the box—which side I'd nursed and how 1 ong—before I stumbled deliriously back to bed. Jackson cried, I nursed, I made check marks, and he never, ever once slept or ate as much or as long as the books promised my chart and me he would.
F, F, F, F minus in parenting.
I pretended it made sense to me. I pretended I had a handle on his "routine." I pretended I hadn't started to resent all those parenting books lining the shelves of our teeny oneroom cottage.
And still he ate at a snail's pace and woke up to eat slowly at 11 p.m., 1 a.m., 3 a.m., 5 a.m., and 7 a.m. I kept waiting to fall in love with him, and instead I just felt like we'd both failed our midterms.
There was an afternoon when a friend came over for tea. (We do that a lot in South Africa. It's one of the best customs ever—early-morning and l ate-afternoon hot tea and cake or cookies or pie or rusks—our version of biscotti. And it's genius, I tell you. Genius.) Jackson was passed out on a milk high in my arms, and Natalie had two kids wrapped around her ankles. I was desperate. I was up-since-five-on-a-cold-South-African-morning tired, sore, and desperate for a formula that would give me back my old life.
I had been living with one foot in my stay-up-late, sleep-in-late, come-and-go-as-you-please world and one foot in my I-want-to-be-a-mother-if-the-baby-would-just-leave-me-alone world, and I wanted something to make the commitment to motherhood easier. I wanted the baby to adore me. I wanted to be the mom on those billboards with the beautifully blow-dried hair, lying in bed with one cheek resting against her cherub as he beams up at her. I wanted Jackson to want me for more than my milk. I wanted him to care about my feelings. I wanted him to wrap chubby arms around my neck and declare his undying affection for me and my sacrifices in front of smitten strangers. I wanted him to feel bad for all the puke and the laundry and the fact that I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually been out to a movie theater.
I wanted the baby to love me with such unbridled, adoring passion that everything I'd lost along the way would be worth it. Especially my size 6 jeans from Prague.
I didn't know it then, but I was grieving.
I was grieving the loss of a stage of life I'd loved, and I needed directions to navigate into this new one. A life where everything was unfamiliar and often scary. A life that couldn't be reduced to a poster-board checklist. A life that was mundane and unpredictable at the same time.
I stared over the top of Jackson's blond head and asked Natalie, "But when will he love me?" That one question carried all the weight of a mom half out of her mind with exhaustion and confusion.
And from the way Natalie paused and how gently she answered, I think maybe she understood everything I wasn't saying. She read the billboard over my head and quietly answered, "What you're doing now—all of it—that is what will build the love." I thought about it. I thought about every wake-up, every diaper change, every bottle, every single step of pacing to rock him back to sleep, every thankless load of laundry, every extra shift of cleaning up all the food I'd just fed him.
We drank tea in silence for a while. Kids played. Jackson slept.
The parable of motherhood is a profound one. I just didn't know it yet as I spooned more sugar into my Five Roses tea, passed the rusks, and wondered if time spent visiting could have been better spent sleeping. I didn't know that I was being grown up by this baby who had spoiled all my alone time. I didn't know that you continue to labor long after the baby is born. I didn't know that there was someone connecting the cacophony of dots that spelled out my life, which so far had seemed without rhyme or reason.
I walked with Natalie down the flight of stairs and rows of framed family tree photographs to the top of the steep driveway that rolls downhill and away from my parents' front door. The jacaranda tree was blossoming—a purple rain—and we hitched babies on hips and hugged good-bye one armed. Jackson was awake, and I felt ready to go another round.
Excerpted from Surprised by Motherhood by Lisa-Jo Baker, Stephanie Rische. Copyright © 2014 Lisa-Jo Baker. Excerpted by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Why I Wrote This Book: Because You Are My People xiii
Chapter 1 Motherhood Is a Superpower 1
Chapter 2 Why You Can't Possibly Know What to Expect When You're Expecting 9
Chapter 3 From Zululand with Love 19
Chapter 4 A Great, Big Man Named Chuck 31
Chapter 5 Two Funerals and a Baby Shower 47
Chapter 6 Because Sometimes Becoming a Mom Is like Moving to a Foreign Country 63
Chapter 7 There Is No Road Map 77
Chapter 8 What Brave Looks Like 93
Chapter 9 There's Nothing Routine about the Routine 107
Chapter 10 How to Fall in Like 125
Chapter 11 When You're Scared Motherhood Means Missing Out on Your Life 143
Chapter 12 And Then after Eighteen Years, I Rediscovered My Mom 161
Chapter 13 Jesus Loves Me This I Know, for My Children Taught Me So 183
Epilogue A Letter to My Mother 199
Glossary of South African Words 213
About the Author 219
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
You will LOVE this book! If you are a mother, have a mother or know a mother, you will connect with this real-life, honest, beautiful book about Lisa-Jo's unexpected journey into motherhood. If you think you're failing at the whole motherhood gig, you are not alone and you need this book now. I read this in one day, staying up late and ironically ignoring my own children to finish! One of my favorite lines "Mothers may want to find room to breathe, to weep, to panic. But they don't want it to end - this delivering, shaping cheering, loving, bringing life into the world." Run, don't walk, to buy this book!
When I first saw this book, I didn't want to read it b/c I assumed it would be another one of those fluffy motherhood books--you know, the kind written by this perfect mom who makes you feel like motherhood is supposed to be a bed of roses and all that jazz. However, I read The Antelope in the Living Room (which had me literally rolling on the floor laughing) and at the end of that book was a suggestion that if the reader like the Antelope book, she's also like the Surprised by Motherhood book. So I had to give it a try. I'm glad I did! Lisa-Jo Baker is refreshingly honest, pokes fun at herself in a charming way, and often has me giggling softly to myself. Not only that, but after I laugh, she can say something so poignant that I can completely relate and it brings tears to my eyes. For example, when she's talking about having her first child, she's overwhelmed, doing everything, there's throw-up and crying all night, he doesn't eat on schedule like he's "supposed to", and she says she would hold him and "keep waiting to fall in love with him." I felt like that with my first babies. I struggled with PPD and did not at all feel "in love with them" like I thought I was supposed to. But who talks about that? Who shares those thoughts and real struggles new moms have? Lisa-Jo is refreshingly honest and real, and she offers hope. I cannot recommend this book high enough--throw out all the ridiculous how-to books and grab this one! Or gift it to a friend for a baby shower gift. It's guaranteed to touch any new mothers heart, and any experienced mother's, too, I'd venture to say.
Normally, I wouldn't pick up a mothering book to read. I think I've read plenty of those through the years. This book, however, was a wonderfully written book on motherhood. I have four children and found her book so encouraging as she shared her mothering story and truths about motherhood. I will buy this as a gift for some new mothers I know. This isn't a "how to be a good mother" book. It is a book about the heart and soul of mothering and what God wants do in your life through the adventure/pain/joy of motherhood. A mom pregnant with her first baby probably isn't ready to fully appreciate this book. But as soon as she births and begins her journey with that baby, this book will be so encouraging.
Having lost her mother to cancer when she was just 18, Lisa-Jo Baker did not ever want to have kids. She even told her husband to be this. But somewhere along the journey she changed her mind – but was shocked at all that came with motherhood! “Seven years ago, I thought there was a formula to parenting – you do what the books tell you to do, and the baby does what the books tell him to do. I’d aced college and law school and figured motherhood would go down the same way. It turned out my baby had completely different plans in mind.” Yes, with first 2 boys and then a girl I’m sure life is different! The author also describes the sense of loss she felt – of losing the “me” time and the ability to stay up late and not worry about getting up early the next day. And the difficulty of having an extremely strong-willed child. Yet she also describes the joys and laughter from having kids. I thought I might have lost it too though when she described the time she lost her “ever-loving mind because two boys peed all over the bathroom shelf just to see what kind of range they could get.” Fabulous book for mothers – old or new!
A relate-able read (at least for mothers of young children) Thankfully, this is not a parenting book - I avoid those like the plague (because, let's be honest, your child never read them and has a mind of his own). But it is a testimonial about motherhood - the highlights and the moments of terror. The thoughts that go on in every mother's heart that are rarely addressed. The hopes, the fears, the hard times, the days you want to quit, and love that compels you forward. It's her story - the story of her brokenness, her unexpected life "plot twist", and her more surprising (to her) healing. Because of where I am in life, my gut reaction is to give the book five stars, but it truly depends on the season of life you are in. I recognize that it is truly dependent on the season in which you currently walk as to whether or not this book will resonate with you. It's kindof the nature of the beast. All in all, I definitely recommend this semi-autobiographical work to get a glimpse into the life of a mother ... and for encouragement for those of us still in the trenches.
This book is required reading for all women. Lisa-Jo Baker weaves God's love through an honest telling of her own story that is a healing balm for a woman's soul.
I could really identify with Baker's journey to motherhood. As a voracious reader, I read all the what to expect and how to books before realizing that nothing can prepare you for that instant when you look at that little face and everything changes. The best part about this book is that it doesn't romanticize motherhood. Sometimes when reading books about being a mom, I find myself even more convinced that I have it all wrong - like when I completely lose it after wiping up pee off the floor for the hundredth time, reminding the boys in the house to either make sure to hit the water or wipe it up themselves, and then walk into the bathroom five minutes later to find the same situation all over again. I couldn't stop laughing at Baker's description of her two boys and their bathroom antics. I could also relate to her feelings about her third one and the deceptive idea of having it figured out. I'm not sure why, but whenever we start to feel like we've got it figured out, God seems to say, "Just wait..." and throws a wrench into our false sense of control. It doesn't have to be about the baby's gender either, sometimes it is about personality. I love this book and think it would be a great gift for any mom or mom-to-be. It is real and gritty and inspiring and reassuring. It will make you laugh and make you cry.
Lisa-Jo is the kind of author you feel you know by the time you finish her book. She is very transparent, and writes in a lyrical style that holds your attention and paints a portrait of the places she's been and the things she's seen. I admire her greatly for writing "Surprised By Motherhood". It's important that women know not every female is born with the deep desire to become a mother. Life, events, anything really can take away the urge and replace it with fear, or simply no sensation or need to have a child. And that's not a sin. Unless you allow it to become one. For instance, if you make a woman's desire for children a condition of God's love for her. That's a sin. Or if you know God is telling you to have a child and you're ignoring him. That's a sin. But watching your mother die before you turn 19, and mothering your younger siblings out of love and necessity, and longing to have a meaning that transcends the simple, the everyday...that's not sin. Surrendering all of that to God can leave you with His desires for you. That's what Lisa-Jo found out. And now she's been "Surprised by Motherhood" three times over. And it's a beautiful, hard, messy life. But she's living it for Him. Honestly. Daily. Sometimes in her own strength, sometimes in His...but with love and devotion to Him, her family, and her Father. My thanks to my friends at Tyndale House Publishers for my advance copy via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. I recommend this book, and I'm so glad I discovered Lisa-Jo Baker. She's my kind of woman of God.
In her book, Surprised by Motherhood, Lisa-Jo Baker wrote in a book what many of us who have had children have discovered. You will enjoy this book because it affirms what we all have discovered and it encourages you not to get upset by the small stuff. There will always be more meals to cook, dirty clothes to wash, ball games (soccer, basketball, baseball, and football) to go to, cuts to bandage and bruises to kiss. Life with children is had and at times very hard. But the kisses and hugs you receive make it worth all the love and time you put into it. This would also make an excellent shower gift for an expectant new mother to be.
Surprised By Motherhood: Everything I Never Expected About Being A Mom was not what I had thought it was going to be like. It is somewhat the author’s memoir. In the first chapter one there are so many points that are oh so true about motherhood. The chapter, also, reminds me that everyone, including experts, do not always have all of the answers with being a mother. After this chapter, the next few chapters were about the author’s personal life and not much about her life as a mother. Personally, I wanted to read more stories about her raising her own children, not how she was raised and where she lived. When she does start discussing the joyful (or not so joyful) of being a mother later in the book, I was cracking up. I had some of those “Aha! I know exactly what she means right there” moments. Though, I was slightly disappointed that the book was not solely about the author being a mother, I did enjoy most of the book. Especially, the touching letter she wrote to her own mother. I think this a 4 star read.
In her new book, Surprised by Motherhood: Everything I Never Expected About Being a Mom, Lisa-Jo Baker writes about her own journey to motherhood. Having lost her own mother, Lisa-Jo’s path brought her home again and brought her healing she wasn’t expecting. Lisa-Jo writes, "Always God remakes. Always He knits together what is separated, fractured, to create wholeness." (p. 162). I’ve taken this book everywhere with me recently. Although I had pre-ordered mine, it sold out quickly and it was about 2 weeks after the release date before I finally got it! Once received though, I devoured it. And I believe you will too. Lisa-Jo’s words will make you laugh and cry. They touch the soul of a mother in a way that only another mother can. Her story made me remember days long forgotten. She will encourage you to hang tough on the days you think won't end. She will put a name on all the feelings you have about motherhood. This book is not for just for new moms or for moms of young children...or for moms at all for that matter. Even those of us who don't have children have a mother and we have feelings and experiences in that relationships. So if you have a mom, are a mom in the throes of things, hoping to be a mom someday or enjoying your empty nest, this book is for you!
This book is the friend that comes over and assures you that yes, that is normal. That you don't have to be fine. That even when you have no idea what God could possibly be doing, He is still right there. And it's all through the lens and the story of one woman who was brave enough to go first, and to allow her words and her wounds to be a salve to others who think they are in this mothering thing alone. If you are a mom, if you know a mom, if you've ever had "one of those days" and felt like you were the only one... buy this book. Seriously. Even if you have to read a page and a half at a time (my current clocked time between interruptions), it will bless you.
Lisa-Jo has such a way with words, particularly about mothering. Her journey from losing her own mother, to mothering her own children, will leave you reaching for the tissues. Also, a favorite quote: "I would throw away most of the parenting books that made me feel like I was somehow failing this most important test of womanhood - being a mother. I'd throw out the advice about what I was doing wrong or should be doing differently or should aspire to be doing. I'd just revel in the daily, sleep-deprived merry-go-round and eat a lot more chocolate cake." AMEN! :) Go buy your copy today!!