Afterlife of Billy Fingers: How My Bad-Boy Brother Proved to Me There's Life After Death

Afterlife of Billy Fingers: How My Bad-Boy Brother Proved to Me There's Life After Death


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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781571746948
Publisher: Hampton Roads Publishing Company, Inc.
Publication date: 03/01/2013
Pages: 208
Sales rank: 68,810
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

Annie Kagan is a singer/songwriter who had a chiropractic practice in Manhattan for many years. Kagan gave up her medical practice, returned to songwriting and began collaborating with award winning producer Brian Keane. She lives in East Hampton, NY.

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The Afterlife of Billy Fingers

How My Bad-Boy Brother Proved to Me There's Life After Death

By Annie Kagan

Hampton Roads Publishing Company, Inc.

Copyright © 2013 Annie Kagan
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-57174-694-8


The First Thing That Happens

The Miami Dade Police left a message on my answering machine at nine in the morning. "If you know William Cohen, please contact Sergeant Diaz at 305 ..."

Oh no! Billy must have been arrested. Not prison. Not again. Not this late in his life.

It still made me queasy to think about the time my brother was arrested almost thirty years ago; the thud of the gavel, the words "twenty-five years to life," my mother crying in my arms, begging the judge to change his mind. The day I watched the police handcuff Billy and drag him off to Sing Sing for selling cocaine was probably the worst day of my life.

I was shaking when I punched in the phone number of the Miami Police.

"This is William Cohen's sister. Has he been arrested?"

"No," Sergeant Diaz said in a soft voice. "He was hit by a car at two-thirty this morning. I'm sorry. Your brother is dead."

My heart went cold. Dead? My head spun. I was dizzy. I reached for a chair and sat down.

"What happened?"

"William was coming from the emergency room at South Miami Hospital. He was drunk and ran out onto the highway," the sergeant reported.

"Were you there?" I asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I was called to the accident scene."

"Was Billy injured?" Injured? What am I thinking? He'd been run over by a car! "I mean, was he taken to the hospital?"

"No, ma'am. Your brother never knew what hit him. Died instantly. Didn't suffer at all."

Died instantly? Didn't suffer? How on earth could he know that? The sergeant was trying to cushion the blow, but it wasn't working.

"William was wearing a hospital ID bracelet. We got your name and phone number from their records."

So that's how they found me! Billy always wrote me in as his "in case of emergency" person.

Sergeant Diaz cleared his throat. "Listen, ma'am, you don't have to identify the body. The bracelet is good enough. Better to remember him as you do now."

Better to remember him as you do now? Oh my God!

The sergeant must have heard me start to cry, because the next thing he said was, "It's kind of against regulations, but if you give me your address I'll send you the things your brother had on him."

Since I didn't have to view Billy's post-accident body, there was no reason to fly from New York to Miami. By the time my sixty-two-year-old brother died, he was homeless, so everything he owned was in his pockets. My brother had left things neat and tidy for me—not like when he was alive. What I had worried about for years had now happened. Billy was dead.

I called Billy's drug counselor at South Miami Hospital. Eddie's voice was edgy.

"Billy showed up at the ER last night, high and coughing up blood. He wanted to be admitted to the hospital so when the nurse told him he'd have to go to the detox unit instead, he got belligerent, picked up a chair, and threatened her. She called the cops, Billy ran out, and, you know the rest. Your brother just didn't trust his Higher Power. I'm really disappointed in him."

Disappointed? Billy was dead. And Eddie was disappointed? I hung up on him and threw the phone across the room to get his words as far away from me as I could.

Oh God, Billy is dead! My body ached so much I felt like I was the one who'd been run over. I got into bed with my clothes still on and pulled the covers over my head. Then I remembered the incredibly strange thing I'd done the day before.

Although we hadn't spoken in months, for the last week I'd been thinking obsessively about Billy. This was unusual because trying not to think about Billy was a survival tactic I began practicing in fourth grade. As a little girl, I adored my big brother, but I was always afraid something terrible was going to happen to him. Billy was constantly in trouble. I didn't really know what "trouble" meant, but when the trouble got bad, he would be sent away to some mysterious place. And when the trouble got really bad, my parents didn't even know where to find him.

In fourth grade my parents explained that the trouble Billy was in was something called "heroin addiction." To distance myself from my anxiety, I began practicing the art of cold-heartedness.

All these years later, the week before he died, no matter how cold-hearted I tried to be, I couldn't stop thinking about Billy. Living alone in a small, secluded house on the Long Island shore and working at home didn't help. I tried to distract myself from my angst by keeping to my routine—up by six, feed the cats, meditate, walk by the bay, make lunch, go to work in my music studio writing songs.

Sitting at my electric keyboard, all I could think about was Billy. I wanted to phone him, hear his voice, tell him I loved him, help him in some way. But I didn't know how to reach him. Part of me was afraid to reach him. I was sure he was in bad shape.

The day before Billy died, a bitterly cold January morning, I layered on two sweaters, a down jacket, and two wool hats and ventured into the raw air. I walked across the frozen brown leaves, through the bare winter woods, and climbed down the wooden staircase that led to the bay. I never ask God for favors, but that morning I looked up at the silvery sky, raised my arms, and imagined pushing Billy into the hands of the great Divine. "Take care of him for me," I whispered.

Hours later, Billy was dead.

The next few days I stayed in bed, unable to do anything but drink tea. They say there are different stages of grief—shock, guilt, anger, depression. But all those feelings collided and came crashing in on me at once.

My friend Tex stopped by to see how I was doing. "It's weird," I told her. "It's not like I'm sad, exactly. I feel like a voodoo doll with pins stuck in me everywhere."

I had given Tex her flashy nickname because she was five-foot-eleven, dark-haired, angular, and partial to cowboy boots. Even though she looked tough, she was kind and always thought about what she said before she said it.

"Oh, honey," Tex said, taking my hand, "That's grief." Tex would know. She lost her older brother, Pat, in a plane crash when she was just a teenager.

Three days after Billy's death a monster storm moved through Long Island. I pushed the foot of my bed up against the window and watched the blizzard tear up the world outside. Billy loved wild, turbulent weather, and as the storm obscured everything, I felt a kind of satisfaction. The snow was "whiting out" my world, just as death had "whited out" Billy's. I've always believed something exists beyond death, but what that something was, I had no idea. As the wind screamed through my windows, I was sure it was Billy's spirit, making his usual racket, knocking around the sky, trying to find his way.

The storm passed and the winds subsided. I spent my days mostly in bed, crying. The rest of the time I was swallowing Valium until I was a walking zombie. My long, dark, wavy hair was lank and uncombed, my eyes puffed into slits, my skin haggard. I didn't look forty-something anymore, I looked a hundred—and that was okay with me, because every time I saw myself in the mirror the verdict was always the same: guilty.

Over the last few years I had done everything I could to help Billy: hospitals, rehabs, psychiatrists, methadone clinics. Nothing worked. His struggle became a black hole that sucked me into his chaos. I came down with a different ailment every other week and saw one doctor after another. Finally, I pleaded with him, "I can't take this anymore! Please stop calling me!" But he didn't. He couldn't. Then, instead of talking, we were mostly crying and screaming at each other. One day he did stop calling. And now he was gone.

Three weeks of post-death misery and self recrimination later, it was my birthday. Just before sunrise, as I was waking up, I heard someone calling my name from above me.

Annie! Annie! It's me! It's me! It's Billy!

It was Billy's unmistakable deep, mellow voice. I was startled, but not at all afraid. In fact, I felt comforted.

"Billy?" I said, half asleep. "You can't be here. You're dead. I must be dreaming."

You're not dreaming. It's me! Get up and get the red notebook.

Suddenly, I was very much awake. I'd completely forgotten about the red leather notebook Billy had sent me last year for my birthday. I was touched that he had made the effort to send me a gift even though he was becoming overwhelmed by his addictions.

I jumped out of bed and found the red notebook on a shelf in my bedroom closet. The pages were blank, except for an inscription written on the first page.

Dear Annie,

Everyone needs a book dedicated to them.

Read between the lines.

Love, Billy

What a strange thing for Billy to have written! Read between the lines? I ran my fingers over the familiar handwriting. Then I heard him again.

It's really me, Annie. And I'm okay, it's okay because ... I grabbed a pen and wrote what he was saying in the red notebook.

The first thing that happens is bliss; at least it was like that in my case. I don't know if it's that way for everyone who dies. As the car hit me, this energy came and sucked me right out of my body into a higher realm. I say "higher" since I had the feeling of rising up and suddenly all my pain was gone.

I don't remember hovering over my body or looking down on it or anything like that. I guess I was pretty anxious to get out of there. I knew right away I was dead, and went with it, more than ready for whatever was waiting.

I wasn't aware of traveling at any particular speed. I just felt light and unburdened as the sucking motion drew me up inside a chamber of thick silvery blue lights. People who have near-death experiences sometimes say they went through a tunnel. I'm using the word "chamber" because a tunnel has sides, but no matter what direction I looked, there was nothing but light for as far as I could see. Maybe the difference is I had a one-way ticket and theirs was a round-trip.

And even though I didn't have my body anymore, it felt like I did and that it was being healed. The lights in the chamber penetrated me and made me feel better and better as they pulled me up. It wasn't just the wounds from my car accident that were being healed. In the first nanosecond that the lights touched me, they erased any harm I suffered during my lifetime: physical, mental, emotional, or otherwise.

Soon, Daddy appeared right there beside me, young and smiling and handsome as ever. He was making jokes and asking, "What took you so long?" It was so great, seeing Daddy, but I'm guessing he was there to be a familiar landmark in foreign territory. I'm saying that because he was only with me for part of the ride and Daddy definitely wasn't the main event.

The main event was the silvery lights and their party atmosphere. Those healing lights had a festive feeling, like they were cheering me on, saying, "Welcome home, Son."

I can't say how long I was floating up the healing chamber, because I no longer have a sense of time. But I can say that chamber was some kind of cosmic birthing canal that delivered me into this new life.

I want you to know, darling, there's nothing hard or cruel for me anymore. I glided from the chamber right out into the glorious Universe. I'm drifting weightlessly through space with these gorgeous stars and moons and galaxies twinkling all around me. The whole atmosphere is filled with a soothing hum, like hundreds of thousands of voices are singing to me, but they're so far away I can just barely hear them.

And although I can't exactly say anyone was here to greet me, as soon as I came out of the chamber I felt a Divine Presence; a kind, loving, beneficent presence, and really, that was enough.

In addition to the Divine Presence I also feel beings around me—Higher Beings, I guess you would call them. I can't explain why I'm using the word "beings," and not the singular; I just know there's more than one. I can't see or hear them, but I can feel them moving about, swooshing by, doing different things that concern yours truly. And although I haven't got a clue what these things might be, I'm guessing that floating out here in space is euphoric instead of terrifying because I'm being attended to by this celestial crew.

I'm looking down on the earth, and it is down. It's like there's a hole in the sky, a hole between our two worlds, I can look through and see you. I know how sad you are about my death. Sad is too small a word. Bereft is more like it. But death isn't as serious as you think it is, honey. So far, it's very enjoyable. Couldn't be better, really. Try not to take death too seriously. As a matter of fact, try not to take life too seriously. You'd enjoy yourself a lot more. That's one of the secrets of life. You want to know another secret? Saying goodbye isn't as serious as it seems either, because we will meet again.

As suddenly as it came, Billy's voice dissolved. I was sitting on my bed, the red notebook resting against my knees, its first pages filled with Billy's words in my handwriting. Had I just imagined his voice? Maybe. But where did these words come from? They definitely weren't mine.

Inside the front cover of the notebook I found a card my brother had sent along with it—a cartoon of a big orange tomcat hugging a girly little purple kitten. The card's message was uncanny. Are you real or am I dreaming you?

Was I having some weird dream-like grief reaction? How could I know? I couldn't, and at that moment I didn't really care. For the first time since Billy's death I felt happy ... more than happy. Billy was okay. And as he described floating blissfully through the stars, the atmosphere of his world had somehow flowed into mine. I was almost euphoric.

And all of a sudden I was hungry. I got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and made a pot of tea. As I sat at the table gorging myself on biscuits and marmalade, I opened a magazine. Staring at me was an ad for White Cloud bathroom tissue. It featured a cloud with a piece cut out that made it look like a hole in the sky. Hadn't Billy just said he saw me through a hole in the sky? I got chills. Maybe the ad was some kind of sign.

"That's ridiculous," I told myself. "I really am going a little mad." But some part of me wondered if there really might be a connection.

Are you real or am I dreaming you?

Everything was so strange but it all fit together— Billy's appearance, the forgotten red notebook, its inscription, the card's message, the picture of a hole in the sky. And before I heard from Billy, I was so depressed I could barely raise my head off the pillow. Now, I felt completely serene.

Had Billy appeared just this one time to let me know he was okay? Was that the end of it? I hoped not. If he visited a second time, I would be ready. I would be objective and alert so I could figure out if he was real. I decided to lure him back by keeping the red notebook and a pen with me all the time.


Still Billy

I decided not to tell anyone about Billy. Ten years ago, when I was taught how to meditate on the light within, my teacher instructed me to keep my spiritual experiences to myself; otherwise, I might lose them. Hearing from Billy in the afterlife was a spiritual experience, wasn't it? If this was real, it wasn't something I wanted to risk losing.

Five days after my birthday, as the sunrise cast my white bedroom into shades of rosy pink, I heard Billy's voice again. Blurry-eyed, I reached under my pillow for the red notebook, propped my head up, and started scribbling.

Hey, Princess. Good morning.

When Billy was alive, his calling me "Princess" was never a compliment. From the beginning, my life seemed charmed compared to his, and he held that against me. Billy was a "problem child"—and I was a "little angel." I sang and danced in school plays— he tried to sing in a band but couldn't carry a tune. Billy flunked out of high school—I was a straight-A student. The better I did, the worse he looked, and felt. Feeling guilty, I tried to win his affection, but that was something I couldn't succeed at.

Was Billy now using the nickname "Princess" because he was still holding a grudge? It didn't seem like it. The light that came along with his voice filled me with love.


Excerpted from The Afterlife of Billy Fingers by Annie Kagan. Copyright © 2013 Annie Kagan. Excerpted by permission of Hampton Roads Publishing Company, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Foreword ix

Acknowledgments xiii

Part 1 Still Billy

1 The First Thing That Happens 5

2 Still Billy 17

3 The Divine Nature of All Things 25

4 They Can't Take That Away from Me 31

5 Ain't No Sunshine Without the Sun 35

6 Hologram 41

7 Rescue Mission 47

8 First the Pleasures, Then the Pestilence 53

9 Billy-Dust 59

10 Vincent 63

11 More Proof 67

Part 2 Even the Soul Changes

12 Becoming the Universe 73

13 Two Universes Passing in the Light 79

14 I Don't Know 83

15 New Body 87

16 Blue-White Sphere 93

17 Quantum 97

18 Supra World 103

19 Saga of the Pearl and the Oyster 109

20 Book of Life 115

21 Soul Tribes 121

22 Patty Malone 125

23 Cosmic Sound 131

24 The Billy Box 135

25 Tex 141

26 The Grace Coin 145

27 Stream of Life 149

28 Sacred Scripture 153

29 The Funeral 157

Part 3 From Soul to Spirit

30 The Death of Memories 167

31 Shvara Lohana 171

32 Parade of Souls 175

33 The Archway 179

34 Golden Lotus Cave 183

35 White Light Brothers 189

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The Afterlife of Billy Fingers: How My Bad-Boy Brother Proved to Me There's Life After Death 4.2 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 45 reviews.
BarbieSueBrown More than 1 year ago
I just ordered two more paperback versions of 'The Afterlife of Bill Fingers' to give away to people I think can benefit the most from this book. Now, how do I narrow it down to who I think needs to read Billy's and Dr. Annie Kagan's message to just four people, for my four new books? Everyone I know should read it, and to those of you I don't know; you need to read this book too. It's an important message to us all. Besides the 4 paperback books I've bought to give away, I read the book on my e-reader, not once, but twice. I knew I wasn't ready to say good bye to Billy and I had to read the book a second time. I found there was more I had missed in my first reading of this 'LIFE CHANGING' book. Billy's messages continue to resonate in my soul and my life since I got to know him, and I feel more at peace with myself. I also feel like I am a better different me, with the other souls who cross my path. Let Billy and Annie into your lives and keep an open mind. when you do. Your spiritual journey and your search for answers can be found by reading this book. To me it was a great work of 'non-fiction', plausible and real, and the word needs to spread ; THIS BOOK NEEDS TO BE READ! I have been an avid reader my whole life, and I've never gotten on a soap box before about a book, or reviewed any other books I've ever read, just this one. If you've ever lost anyone in your life who meant something to you, or you want to know what to expect when the inevitable comes, PLEASE BUY THIS BOOK. You will be glad you took my advice.Thanks again Annie for listening to your brother and for writing this beautiful book!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Through Billy's communications and the author's insightful retrospective, readers are taken on an after-life journey that is vivid and inspiring. Billy opens powerful vistas of the after-life, which in turn invite deep contemplation and wisdom for the living. And while this is also an intimate (but not maudlin) look at how a brother and sister learn to navigate a connection through the veils, we also come to understand that each, in their own way, becomes spiritually liberated as a result of what might at first glance, seem to be a tragedy. Highly recommended reading. This is from a born skeptic. I don't know whether to credit Annie Kagan or Billy Fingers with the spectacular rendering of experiences that must have been very hard to put into words, let alone such consistently dazzling prose. Early on, I let go of whether I believed it and just floated along on the wild and moving ride. The message I took away is that life is an adventure we're meant to have no matter what twists and turns it takes. Thanks to Billy we can now imagine the spiritual universe beyond our spec of a planet and the confines of a mortal body. It's a book I recommend highly and will return to when I find myself thinking small. This one is the real deal, and you will do yourself a favor by reading it.   
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book was a very compelling read for me. I have read other books on the afterlife mainly written by those who were there briefly and then came back. This book gives a fuller view I think and was very comforting for me as I still miss my mother very much who passed away in December, 2010.
SandyCuthbert More than 1 year ago
My son and I work together as Psychic Mediums and we highly recommend this book to the people we come into contact with. The best part of our work is bringing comfort and peace to people who have lost a loved one. The comfort comes from knowing that the loved ones are happy and doing well and also to know that death is not an end. This amazing book confirms what we teach and helps make the afterlife more real and also helps people get past the fear of dying. Thank you so much for this amazing glimpse into Billy's world. Blessing to you, Annie and Billy
TCS53 More than 1 year ago
I thoroughly enjoyed this book! I feel for anyone who does not believe in the afterlife because it 'does' exist and this book proves it!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
One of the best books ive read. Thanks annie and billy!!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Charm_McLassie More than 1 year ago
Had the author chosen to publish as fiction perhaps I would have given one more star. I made it to page 86 of 181 waiting to have a spark register on my authenticity meter indicating truth. Did not happen as it did in "The Shack," for instance. Don't waste your money.
powrpac More than 1 year ago
I would recommend this book. You will not be able to put it down once you start reading it. Many of the truths in this book will be reread many times for complete understanding of what the author is saying.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I had that problem before and just totally deleted the sample and was then able to get book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
The author's history was already influenced by the study of Eastern Philosophy, I suspect there is more of her than Billy in this tale. My own brother came to me. Told me about the Universe and then went off to play in it. If you became pure energy, wouldn't you leave the past behind for the next adventure?
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Interesting and inspiring. Allows you to make peace with death.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I loved this book. I've bought about 10 copies and given to friend's who have lost loved ones. Wonderful message and affirmation of a wonderful afterlife to come.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I had an ah ha moment while reading this book. I recommend this book for anyone who wants a glimpse into the afterlife.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Beautifully written and gives hope in the dark places we often go. Making even those dark places divine.
NORA-ANN More than 1 year ago
I gave my last copy away. I've shared this book with many people and I am about to purchase two more. Its a must read! I am spiritual. I am a believer, but I do not consider myself religious and I love this book! Its given me a peace about the afterlife that I have never experienced in any Christian readings or experiences I've encountered, personally! The Afterlife of Billy Fingers deeply resonates with me, so much so like, BarbieSueBrown, I've shared it with several people. This book brought me closure about love ones I've lost. It's given me peace about the afterlife, and it allowed me experience a different perspective. This book is a must read! I read it in a few hours. I smiled, I cried, I felt sad, I felt awh and I felt peace! It was a wonderful read and its been a delight to share this read with others. Happy reading!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I read alot of spiritual books, but towards the end of this book I could barely finish it With all due respect to the author I felt this book was a little hard to believe!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book has so much insight for living life and what happens when we die. It's one of my favorite books.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
L.M.Spaeth More than 1 year ago
Applause, applause. Well written book about the afterlife and its progression, from a man with a very troublesome earthly past and how he reconnects with his sister from dimensions beyond, to prove there is life after death. You can actually see Billy “Fingers” Cohen grow up in spirit and advance through the levels of said progression towards the Divine, by the way he dictates his “ride” to his sister Annie. His phraseology and descriptions change as he transitions in and out of the other spheres of being. Billy’s speech and tone changes dramatically from the start of the book to the end…but we all know there is never an actual end…there’s a cycle of rebirth, given free will to do so. At the beginning of the book, Billy speaks in chatting sentences – albeit dictated to and translated by Annie; however, towards the end of the book, Billy says so much less yet at the same time…so much more in capsulized form. I loved the cryptic clues he drops Annie about what’s going to happen to/for various people in Annie’s life, how she tries to make sense of these hints to pass them onto the appropriate individuals and then having them validated by the recipients. Well, it is just the icing on the proverbial cake, isn’t it? Was also a true learning experience for Annie, I’m sure. Having read quite a few metaphysical books that speak of the way those who have passed on can communicate with the living, I feel that Billy/Annie hit the marks quite well. Billy is performing his long overdue 12 Step Program, but in Heaven now. Journal on through Annie, Billy, journal on. For the record, this book has to be one of the most quoted books in the Universe, as Billy had so much to say and the way he said it resonated with a multitude of people. Thank you Billy. I am giving this book an “E” rating - Enjoyable, Evolving, Elevating & Excellent.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I enjoyed it very much.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I had high hopes for this book but I could barely stay focused. Toward the end it was just plain ridiculous.
SpecialKel5 More than 1 year ago
I was recommended by a friend to read this when I recently lost a loved one unexpectedly. I could relate to the situation of Billy. It was a similar situation that Billy lived through but I was not his sister. I was his girlfriend. The book started off pretty believable but then I started to question it. Then I thought, where could the writer get this information from? A good read if you are grieving.