The Art of Attracting Authentic Love: A Transformational Four-Step Process

The Art of Attracting Authentic Love: A Transformational Four-Step Process

by Gayla Wick

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781504346559
Publisher: Balboa Press
Publication date: 01/20/2016
Sold by: Barnes & Noble
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 242
File size: 568 KB

About the Author

Gayla Wick, transformational love coach, author, and speaker, left corporate America to coach women on how to attract their authentic love connection. Using NLP and other creative techniques, she guides clients through four types of intimacy to create deeply satisfying and sustainable love relationships. Gayla lives in Colorado with her husband, Allan.

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The Art of Attracting Authentic Love

A Transformational Four-Step Process

By Gayla Wick

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2016 Gayla Wick
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-5043-4654-2


My Story

I thought I was going to die. The wide dirt road near our house where I often walked was once again the scene of my despair. There I collapsed in the middle of it crying as I'd done many times before. If the prolific skunk population in our semi-rural setting didn't get me, a car would probably run me over.

I'd had enough and felt like I couldn't go another day not knowing what to do. Angry and hurt, I felt so alone with a load of family responsibilities and no help from my partner. I asked Spirit to send someone to help me, anyone who would actually know what to do. My need to figure it out myself went out the window. I left the "how" to Universal Creative Mind. Certainly, a power that created all there is can and would guide me out of the darkness.

It had been too much – the job, the kids, the house, the yard, the bills, the cars, and the husband acting like another child instead of the partner he promised to be. The situation I'd always thought was temporary morphed day-by-day into months and years. It wasn't going to improve. It would only get worse. Our private conflicts became more public as he began to raise his voice, belittling me loudly enough for others to hear. The emotional battering left me confused and unsure of what to do. At times I wished he would physically hit me so I would know for sure it was time to leave.

I'd meant every word I said on our wedding day in the lovely white historic chapel surrounded by beautiful hand laid stone walls. The horse drawn carriage driven by the elderly gentleman wearing his black top hat carried me to the front door. My hopes were high for a long and blissful union.

Like most weddings, not everything was perfect. The wedding cake was late and no one expected the light drizzle of rain. However, the real gorilla in the room was his parents – awkwardly absent. Apparently a young woman from a family of modest means pursuing an education and a career was not good enough for their only child. In spite of his pleas, they refused our wedding invitation.

I was young and lacked the good sense to know this was more than a bad beginning. His family had rejected me from the start. The fact that we'd dated for nearly five years and loved each other seemed to have no effect on them.

We'd been raised in similar environments, I from West Virginia and he from Ohio. Our faith traditions were the same – both regularly attending a conservative fundamentalist church with the same name over the door. He was in graduate school when we met; I was in a graduate degree program, planning a career in law enforcement or private security.

On one of our rare visits, his mother said, "Career women neglect their husbands." I thought that was completely absurd. Having watched our family struggle periodically on one income, I'd planned since junior high school to pursue an education and have my own source of income. No amount of dialogue or common sense changed his parents' minds. But we were in love and went ahead with our wedding as planned.

For many years, I was happy. We had a beautiful healthy daughter, followed twenty-one months later by a healthy adorable son. Actually, when I first saw my son, he looked a bit like a wrinkly red faced old man. I wanted to say, "Oh my beautiful baby," but that wasn't true just yet. He quickly evolved into a darling cherub-faced little brother.

The speed of life accelerated with the arrival of children. The faster it went, the more I did and the less he contributed. Where and when the fork in the road occurred, I really don't know. I just know that he went one way and I went another.

That night in the middle of the road, I felt something shift. Something viscerally changed as I pulled myself from the dirt, dusted myself off, wiped my tears, and headed home. I knew on the deepest level that I'd been heard.

Months passed and nothing changed. "How" raged in my brain frequently. Every time I walked into the bathroom, I heard over and over the lines, "The land of the free and the home of the brave" playing loudly in my head. I thought I was losing my mind. What was going on and what did it mean? I intuitively knew what it meant, but divorce was not an option in our family. I was sure I'd go straight to hell.

Hell or not, I could not go on pretending to be the cheerful wife and mother, relaxed and content. In truth I was exhausted and lonely. Our marriage had been over for a long time. The resuscitation efforts were useless. Finally, I accepted what I'd tried so long and hard to avoid – our broken relationship was unrepairable.

Friends were not surprised by my decision to divorce as they had witnessed much of my misery. My parents handled it with more grace than I'd ever imagined, given their strong religious views on marriage. I'd always been close to my two sisters who were wonderfully supportive. After an interminably long and arduous battle with attorneys and court appearances, I was free. Now I had to be brave.

As I began to breathe again, I was able to step out of the daily chaos and endless mind chatter and into peace and relaxation. Fatigue and frustration had turned me into someone I didn't recognize or like. I'd thought about being single a million times. Here I was. It wasn't so bad. I invited tranquility, gratitude, joy, peace, and kindness into my new life. I read any book I wanted to read. No one could ever suddenly move them out of reach again.

I'd made several life changing decisions in the year before leaving my marriage. First, I decided to be happy. That decision changed everything. It didn't happen overnight. Like most changes, it was a work in progress. At times, that decision challenged me to hold onto it, and I did, one moment at a time. When I slipped, I chose not to berate myself. I simply and gently reminded myself to embrace joy rather than fear. Ultimately, I remembered my father's repeated Biblical wisdom that God had not given us a spirit of fear.

Allan and I were introduced by a mutual friend while attending a professional association conference. As volunteer leaders for this same organization, we had most likely been in several of the same meetings years earlier. We didn't recall ever seeing each other. He first noticed me on Sunday afternoon when I was giving a lecture on a paper I'd written about the value of membership in this international association. He'd been to this particular training session many times, choosing to chat with a colleague just outside the door. Busy with my presentation, I took no notice of him that day.

On Monday, I attended an educational session where I was scheduled to moderate a panel of three speakers. Allan was one of the panelists, as was my best friend, Bonnie, who'd introduced us. My only thoughts were on the moderator duties, which included individual introductions. I stayed for the remainder of the session and promptly left with Bonnie for an afternoon break.

The following evening, as I mingled with friends at a cocktail party, I saw Allan again. There were dozens of vendor parties that night, all in different locations throughout the city. Since it was common practice to move from party to party for thousands of conference attendees, it was quite unusual for us to be in the same place at the same time. A group of us chatted for a while over food and drinks before going our separate ways. Allan seemed like a very nice man, but romance was far from my mind. I left with my friends and he did likewise.

I particularly loved Wednesday evenings, the annual black tie gala event. I saw him across the room in a tuxedo, a glass of champagne in hand just as I arrived. He said hello, we chatted for several minutes; and as I was leaving to join my friends, he whispered, "You look hot in that dress." Wow – an unexpected compliment from a business colleague I barely knew. I smiled and said thank you, taking my leave; but his comment stayed with me all evening. It had been a long time since I'd received such a glowing compliment.

The ballroom was set with tables for hundreds of people. As I walked through the crowd to find my reserved place, I saw that Allan was at the adjacent table. We were seated very close, backs to each other; and throughout the evening I felt the warmth of his energy. I'd never had such an experience. Later Allan shared he'd had the same experience – feeling my energy as well.

As was customary, volunteer leaders and guests were invited to the Association's Presidential suite after the activity filled day, for cocktails and socializing. Allan was there when I arrived. Fourth time in a row we'd been in the same place. As usual, we had a great time talking with our friends and colleagues. A short time later, our small group, including Allan, decided to go out in the city one last time before returning home. We didn't stay long in the piano bar; it was noisy and the music wasn't the best that night.

Shortly after arriving at a new club, I suddenly became aware that Allan was dancing with my friend. I couldn't understand why that annoyed me so much. Eventually he asked me to dance. There were so many people on the dance floor we had to weave our way through the crowd to find space.

We'd been dancing for less than two minutes when he pulled me close and kissed me. Everyone around us disappeared as I literally felt transported to another world. It was a magical moment – the kind of moment you read about and think is only fantasy. I thought that too, until it happened to me. Allan had the same experience. Later, he told me he'd never been so forward in his life. He had no idea what force had overtaken him. All he remembered was the overwhelming message to kiss me. Our lives were never the same.

He asked me to marry him seventy-five days later. I said yes without a nanosecond of hesitation. There were a trillion miles between us. He lived in Aruba and I in Utah. We fell in love over the phone, talking for hours each day and night. Two days after returning home from the conference where we met, he sent a dozen multi-colored roses, followed by the complete collection of books written by his favorite author, Og Mandino.

The intimacy that developed between us was undeniable. We could not explain the rapid connection because neither intended to ever remarry. Our romance, so surprising and sweet, was meant to be. Years earlier, we'd been in the same room, but did not see each other. Someone or something switched on the light when the time was right. Had we met sooner, neither of us would have been ready.

I don't think I'd ever felt as serene as I did on our wedding day. We were married outside in the courtyard of a Tuscan restaurant under a tent with family and friends. Words seem inadequate to convey the gratitude we feel for our relationship every day. I am cherished and adored and loved unconditionally – as is he. There are no crazy games or hidden agendas, no jealousies or efforts to control. As Ina Garten said, we just want each other to be happy. We don't agree on everything and that's okay because we know how to disagree. We love to be together and make life decisions as a team. The compatibility we share invites harmony, peace, joy, trust, and love. I didn't know any of that was possible before meeting Allan.

My relationship with Allan gave birth to this book. I share it with you to use as you see fit. My fondest wish is for every person to have the love they desire, in their own way, in their own time. My intent is to create a visible pathway to love for those who seek it. I invite you to take what feels right for you and leave the rest.

If you are married or in a long-term committed partnership, I hope you read this book looking for ideas to strengthen your love connection, rather than as a way to measure your relationship. If you are not happy, sit down with your mate and talk about what you had together – what connected and drew you both together from the beginning. See if there's a way to get back anything you are missing. If you need guidance, find a marriage counselor or other support services as needed.

This book is from my heart based on my experiences and those of the many extraordinary women you'll meet in these pages. I hope you enjoy it!



You may be asking what character has to do with intimacy. I wondered about their connection as well. As I let the idea float around in my mind and heart, I began to see they are inextricably linked – like hot fudge and ice cream or bread and cheese for a grilled cheese sandwich. Without ice cream to support hot fudge, there would be no delicious hot fudge sundae. Without bread to support the cheese, there would be no scrumptious grilled cheese sandwich. For me, character and intimacy are linked in the same way. Without character supporting intimacy, true intimacy cannot exist.

So what is character? According to, character is defined as, "The aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing; moral or ethical quality; main or essential nature." When I use the word character in the context of relationship, it is that "essential nature" aspect I find compelling. It is the ability to show-up authentically – spiritually, physically, emotionally, and intellectually as your highest and best self.

Deceit, dishonesty, desire to control another, all undermine the character of true intimacy. However, we must first be authentic, trustworthy, and happy for ourselves before we can treat another person the same way. Attempting to build authentic love relationships requires true character. Desiring absolute trust from a partner requires reciprocity of that trustworthiness. For example, unhappy people simply don't possess peace and happiness to share with someone else. Pretending to be someone other than who we are cannot create the complement of character and intimacy.

Our individual character is developed from the depth and breadth of our experiences and beliefs. Because it is personal, we always own the character we have. Consequently, we're the only ones that can evolve and change the nature of our character. Throughout our lives we learn from others. When we see the need for change or adjustment, we can make the choice to improve whatever it is that needs to improve in our lives. Parents, friends, teachers, books, etc. all model examples of character. If we're aware of our character and its inherent defects, we can choose to modify or change. Changing our character cannot be forced. Lasting change occurs only when we genuinely desire, accept, and make a concentrated effort to create a different character.

If we could fully accept that we cannot change anyone else, we'd be spared so much pain, disappointment, and frustration. The idea that we cannot change another person sounds obvious and fairly straightforward. Most of us can nod our agreement and think we know and readily accept this wisdom. The reality is something altogether different. Can you honestly say you haven't tried to change one of your boyfriends, partners, or husbands? How successful were you? We may think we're going to be the exception and show up in relationships in a way that brings our desired result. However, the failure rate of this endeavor is enormous.

We may be able to talk our partners into trying new things, dressing a little better, or even becoming compliant on a number of things that make our lives with them more pleasant. But if we think we can convince them to change more serious matters of their character, we're on a fool's errand. Whenever others are dishonest with themselves, sooner or later they'll be dishonest with you. If the man you're with is rude and doesn't consider the feelings of others, even if he's on his best behavior with you, sooner or later his true character will shine through and you're at risk of having your feelings trampled.

The essential nature of all people is reflected clearly in their actions. When there is disconnection between words and actions, it's time to consider the truth. If a man says he loves you, ask yourself, "Are his actions supporting his words?"

What is the essential nature of the person with whom you want to spend your life? What is your essential nature? Are you willing to be the person you're looking for? If you want someone who has the characteristics of honesty, integrity, respect, compassion, diligence, financial prudence, loyalty, kindness, generosity, warmth, trustworthiness, patience, affection, etc., you have to be willing to demonstrate those qualities in your life. While this doesn't mean you have to be perfect, it does require clarity around your personal qualities and characteristics, those things you bring to an intimate relationship. Take time to think about your values and how they fit with the kind of partner you want in your life. Starting a relationship with someone who doesn't have the core values or characteristics you have and want can be doomed from day one


Excerpted from The Art of Attracting Authentic Love by Gayla Wick. Copyright © 2016 Gayla Wick. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents


Acknowledgements, ix,
Preface, xi,
Introduction, xiii,
Chapter One My Story, 1,
Part I: Creating the Foundation,
Chapter Two Character, 9,
Chapter Three Intimacy, 20,
Chapter Four Authenticity, 28,
Chapter Five Trust, 36,
Chapter Six Gratitude, 46,
Chapter Seven Compatibility, 59,
Chapter Eight Part I Conclusion, 68,
Part II: It's All About You,
Chapter Nine Forget About It, 77,
Chapter Ten Think About It, 91,
Chapter Eleven Just Do It, 105,
Chapter Twelve Embrace It, 120,
Chapter Thirteen Part II Conclusion, 129,
Part III: Fact of Fiction?,
Chapter Fourteen Relationship Myths, 141,
Chapter Fifteen Relationship Realities, 183,
Chapter Sixteen Conclusion, 201,
Chapter Seventeen The Research, 208,
Affirmation, 221,
Beyond the Book, 223,
About The Author, 225,

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