The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

by Melissa Urban

Overview

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER FROM THE CO-FOUNDER OF THE WHOLE30 • End resentment, burnout, and anxiety—and reclaim your time, energy, health, and relationships.

“Melissa Urban shows the way forward with clarity, vulnerability, and humor.”—Gretchen Rubin, author of Life in Five Senses

Melissa Urban has helped millions of people transform their relationship with food. Now, in this powerful and practical guide, she shows how boundaries—clear limits you set to protect your energy, time, and health—are the key to feelings of security, confidence, and freedom in every area of your life.

In her famously direct and compassionate style, Urban offers:

• 130+ scripts with language you can use to set boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself
• Actionable advice to help you communicate your needs with clarity and compassion
• Tips for successfully navigating boundary guilt, pushback, pressure, and oversteps
• Techniques to create healthy habits around food, drink, technology, and more

User-friendly and approachable, The Book of Boundaries will give you the tools you need to stop justifying, minimizing, and apologizing, leading you to more rewarding relationships and a life that feels bigger, healthier, and freer.

ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS OF THE YEAR: Mindful

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780593448700
Publisher:	Random House Publishing Group
Publication date:	10/11/2022
Pages:	368
Sales rank:	42,391
Product dimensions:	8.90(w) x 6.10(h) x 1.30(d)

About the Author

Melissa Urban is CEO of the Whole30 and an authority on helping people create lifelong healthy habits. She is a six-time New York Times bestselling author (including the #1 bestseller The Whole30); and has been featured by Dr. Oz, Good Morning America, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, and CNBC. She lives with her husband, son, and a poodle named Henry in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 1

A Crash Course on Boundaries


Boundaries aren’t mean

A woman named Nancy recently sent me a message on social media: “I take a walk by myself every morning, for my own mental health. Lately, my elderly neighbor has been inviting herself along, waiting for me to come outside, then joining me. She’s very nice, and it’s clear she likes the company, but this is the only alone time I get in my day. How can I say no to her without feeling mean?”

I get where Nancy is coming from. We (especially women) are often told that it’s selfish to put our own feelings and needs first. This is a common objection to boundaries: that setting them feels cold or punitive, like you’re building a wall between people and creating division. But remember, boundaries aren’t walls, they’re fences. And good fences make for good neighbors.

Boundaries allow those who care about us to support us in the way we want to be supported. They provide a clear line between what we find helpful and harmful, so people don’t have to try to read our minds. They let us engage in relationships fully and openly, knowing we’ve clearly expressed our limits and made it easier for others to respect our needs. In fact, the best way to preserve a relationship often includes setting boundaries within it.

Nancy liked her neighbor and wanted to have a good relationship with her. If this neighbor kept crashing her morning walks, Nancy was going to become resentful, then angry, and perhaps even lash out one morning out of sheer frustration. Setting a boundary here would be an act of kindness, allowing Nancy to care for her neighbor without putting her own needs on hold to do so.

I asked Nancy how many mornings she might be willing to spend in her neighbor’s company—from zero days to every morning of the week. She replied that she’d enjoy walking with her once a week on the weekend, so I sent Nancy a script for her to use the following day: “Good morning! Hey, I’m going to start walking by myself again during the week. This is the only alone time I get, and I really need it for my mental health. Would you like to join me on Saturday morning when things are more relaxed?” Nancy loved the suggestion. This allowed them both to get what they wanted—some quality time when they’re both feeling relaxed, and the alone time Nancy needed to recharge during the busy work week.

You’re not being mean when you set boundaries, you’re being kind—to yourself and your relationships. But that doesn’t mean they’re not uncomfortable. Any conflict can be uncomfortable—if your burger comes out rare instead of medium-well, I’m betting at least some of you would just eat it rather than speak up. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable because when we set a boundary, we’re expressing a limit that hasn’t yet been established (while perhaps pointing out someone else’s inconsiderate behavior), and asking if the other person is willing to make an adjustment for the good of the relationship.

If that just made you throw up in your mouth a little bit, you’re not alone. My research shows that the main reason people don’t set boundaries where they need them is that it’s so damn uncomfortable. I won’t try to pretend otherwise—I feel it, too. It’s not always easy for me to say no to an esteemed work colleague, to ask my husband for alone time, or to tell my parents, “I won’t discuss this with you further.” Speaking up in the moment, advocating for yourself, and asking for what you need is uncomfortable. But what’s both uncomfortable and damaging is reaffirming the story that someone else’s feelings are more important or worthy than your own—which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace.

The truth is, when someone oversteps your limit, there is no comfortable solution. But one path is paved with short-term discomfort that leads to major long-term improvements in your health and happiness . . . and the other path is just an endless circle that leaves you feeling unworthy, anxious, angry, and resentful.

One of those sucks way more. And for those of you stuck on the sucky path, I have to ask . . . how’s that been working out for you, really? How has it felt to honor everyone’s needs but your own? To sell yourself out to keep other people happy? To take on too much whenever people demand it? To spend all that energy on people, conversations, or behaviors that never give you anything back? Said with so much love: I bet the reason you’re reading this book is that it’s not going very well at all. What I’m giving you here is a better way—one that leads to more fulfilling relationships, improved self-confidence, better health, and more time and energy for the things that are important to you. It may be uncomfortable, but I guarantee it will be worth it. Boundaries are how we care, stay supportive, and give to those we love without sacrificing our own health and happiness in the process.

Table of Contents

Author's Note xi

Introduction: How I Became the "Boundary Lady" 3

Part 1 Boundary Beginnings 31

1 A Crash Course on Boundaries 33

2 How to Use This Book 65

Part 2 Your Boundary Practice 77

3 The Real Work/Life Balance: Setting Boundaries in the Workplace 79

4 When the Drama Is Your Mama: Setting Boundaries with Parents and In-Laws, Grandparents, and Other Family Members 125

5 Relationships We (Mostly) Chooses: Setting Boundaries with Friends and Neighbors 180

6 Love, Marriage, Sex, and Dishes: Setting Boundaries in Romantic Relationships 222

7 When You Can't Just Walk Away: Setting Boundaries with Co-Parents 284

8 Clearing the Table: Setting Boundaries Around Food, Alcohol, and Table Talk 306

9 Handle with Care: Setting Boundaries Around Sensitive Subjects 348

10 Gifts to Future You: Setting and Holding Boundaries with Yourself 392

Part 3 Boundary Benefits 427

11 Gifts to the World: How to Hold Your Boundaries, and Everyone Else's 429

12 The Magic of Boundaries 460

Acknowledgments 469

Notes 473

Editorial Reviews

08/29/2022

Urban (The Whole30 Friends & Family), cofounder of the Whole30 wellness and diet program, provides guidance on setting boundaries in this straightforward volume. She defines boundaries as “clear limits you establish around the ways you allow people to engage with you” in professional, familial, or platonic relationships, and breaks down the “three steps of boundaries”: identifying the need for a boundary, putting it in place, and enforcing it. The author suggests that avoiding someone or feeling anxious after speaking with them might indicate the need for boundaries, and she recounts realizing that she needed limits with her parents after skirting them and their unsolicited coparenting advice. Offering guidance on navigating romantic relationships, Urban urges readers to “say what you mean and trust your partner to do the same” and “stick to one subject during arguments.” To establish boundaries in the workplace, she emphasizes advocating for oneself and asking colleagues with good work-life balance for tips on how to protect personal time. There’s not much that’s groundbreaking, but Urban’s encouraging tone and detailed “scripts,” which provide examples of what one might say in common situations to establish boundaries, make for an empathetic and pragmatic outing. This helpful manual is a boon for those unsure of how to set limits. (Oct.)

Publishers Weekly

I always tell my therapy patients that boundaries create trust, comfort, and safety in a relationship, but many people struggle with how to effectively communicate what they need. In The Book of Boundaries, Melissa Urban helps you identify your boundary needs, offers actionable scripts on what to say, and shares proven tips based on a decade of experience helping people live more freely by holding their limits with confidence.”—Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone

“The Book of Boundaries is funny, direct, and smart, bringing you actionable tools and science-backed strategies for setting boundaries using language that feels kind, natural, and empowering. Melissa’s straightforward scripts and practical tips makes it easy to identify your limits and communicate them with confidence, so you can start putting yourself first and create a life that feels bigger, freer, and more authentically YOU.”—Mel Robbins, New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Second Rule

“Helpful as hell and lovingly direct, Melissa Urban is the boundaries big sister we all so desperately need. Through her insightful advice and easy-to-follow scripts, Urban teaches you how to stand up for yourself without walling yourself off from the people you love.”—Tara Schuster, author of Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies

“Setting healthy boundaries is good for your relationships, your business, and your finances. The Book of Boundaries shows you how to stand up for yourself, say no, and communicate your needs in a way that leaves you feeling confident and empowered. Through her stories, personal experiences, and research, Melissa Urban gives you the tools, affirmations, and language you need to reclaim your time, energy, and health.”—Tiffany Aliche, New York Times bestselling author of Get Good with Money

“Melissa Urban has written the playbook for creating connection, protecting our peace, and expanding our lives. At once insightful, personal, funny, and direct, The Book of Boundaries should be required reading for anyone who has relationships with other humans.”—Ellen Vora, MD, psychiatrist and bestselling author of The Anatomy of Anxiety

“Urban’s encouraging tone and detailed ‘scripts,’ which provide examples of what one might say in common situations to establish boundaries, make for an empathetic and pragmatic outing. This helpful manual is a boon for those unsure of how to set limits.”—Publishers Weekly

From the Publisher