Table of Contents
Foreword xv
No Turning Back
He Ain't Wrong… He Just Ain't Right 3
The Front of This Damn Book 5
Book Clubs 7
The Shit 9
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly 11
Low Blow 14
Early Life
Fee-Pees and Johnsons 19
Who You? 22
And Vice Versa 25
Roomies 27
Style Master 29
Sex
Black Belt in Fucking 35
The Pohta 38
VD Gets Around 40
Mattre-asses 43
Those Taddies 45
Fuckable Professions 48
4 Play 50
Call of the Wild 52
Courting, Marriage, and Divorce
Sign Language 57
Mouth on You 62
Courtin' 64
Tats 67
Balls and Chains 70
Wife Insurance 73
Escape Clause 75
Raising Kids
Name Dat Baby 81
Hard Head-Soft Behind 84
It Takes a Damn Village 86
Birds and Bees 88
Ran-aways 90
Managing Money
In Me I Trust 95
Walkaway Plan 97
Man-Made 99
Dine and Ditch, Bitch 102
Always Bet on Black 104
IKEA Parties 106
Homeless Depot 107
Jehovah Witness Protection Program 109
Getting Over and Getting Ahead
Slow the Fuck Up 113
Snitching 115
Positive Snitching 117
Self-Esteem Defense 119
Shutting Shit Down 122
In It to Win It 124
Inventions and Ideas
Technology Speaking 129
Uberstand 131
Uberfeet 133
Strip Pay 135
Edible Underwear 2.0 137
Cruises-Not the Kid 139
Health and Diet
Time to Get Ill 143
Biggest Loser 145
Part-Time Vegetarian/Full-Time Cannibal 148
Staying Healthy
Spot Me 153
Flu Dick 155
Pussy Tea 158
Drug Youse 161
The Five Deadly Steps 163
Dr. Doctor, PhD 166
Food For Thought
Flix and Chicks 171
Cat Dog Monkey Falcon Soup 174
Sperm Bank Account 176
Catfish and Grits 180
Disneyland and World 183
Souped-Up 185
Camp Fuckthat 188
Time Travel Agent 190
Old Age
Cougarland 195
Vintage Sex Positions 197
Speaking of Old Ass People 199
Single-Serving Seniors 202
Jiffy Lube for Seniors 204
Kaput 206
Words to Live By
Mission Impossible 211
Four-Legged Race 213
Buffetarian 215
What I Say-What I Mean
Word Artist 219
Bring the Ruckus 221
Get in That Ass 222
Topsy-Turvy (Flip That Shit) 224
You Can't Pause Toast 226
Champagne-Filled Croissants 230
Somebody Always Gotta Get Fucked Up, Larry 232
82 Is My Shit 234
End and Endings
Step Out That Ass 239
Epilogue 243
Acknowledgments 245
Apologies 247