The Book of Leon: Philosophy of a Fool

by Leon Black, JB Smoove, Iris Bahr

Overview

Everyone’s favorite houseguest who never left, Leon Black (played by award-winning comedian JB Smoove on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm) drops his wisdom and good-bad advice for the masses. Learn the secrets Larry David has gleaned from the Falstaff of television. Live your best Leon. Bring the Ruckus.

Aristotle. Gandhi. Lao Tzu. Dr. Ruth.

Amateurs.

For centuries bespeckled dorks have pored over the scrolls of the ancients, read tea leaves, and looked to the stars for philosophy, wisdom, and advice. While some people have probably offered good advice, and others offer bad advice, Leon is here to offer his brand of good-bad advice. These are the musings of a master genius spitting out the secrets of the universe—to help you become just like him.

Be forewarned: in opening this tome and Leon’s mind, you need to be prepared for straight talk. The kind of unfiltered blunt straight talk that pounds on your door, invites itself in, makes itself at home, helps itself to your food, security pass code, your expensive organic beet juice, and finally makes itself comfortable on that twin bed in your guest room. All the while you think you’re helping it—but really it’s helping you help yourself!

Because that’s how this book doozit.

Leon Black, he ain’t wrong...he just ain’t right.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781501180712
Publisher:	Gallery Books
Publication date:	10/10/2017
Pages:	272
Sales rank:	210,011
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Leon Black is the modern-day Ruckus-Damus, the Bringer of Ruckus, a word artist, a spitter of Leonisms, a possessor of a BBIF, and the POHTA.

JB Smoove, who has played Leon Black on Curb Your Enthusiasm since season six, is a gifted writer, comedian, and actor, who continues to entertain audiences all over the world with his unique brand of comedic funk. He has appeared on The Chris Rock Show, starred in the cult classic movie Pootie Tang, was a cast member on Cedric the Entertainer Presents, and was a writer for Saturday Night Live (for which he won a 2007 Writers Guild award). His standup has been featured on numerous late night shows and he was the host of NBC’s Last Comic Standing. His MSG show, Four Courses with JB Smoove, is in its fourth season. On the big screen he has appeared in the films Date Night, Hall Pass, We Bought a Zoo, Barbershop 3, and others, and his voice has been featured in Ice Age 4 and The Smurfs 2.

Iris Bahr is an award-winning writer, actor, director, and producer. She has written two humorous memoirs: Dork Whore, about her travels through Asia, and Machu My Picchu, about her adventures through South America and Brown University. Having appeared on numerous TV shows, Bahr is best known for her recurring role on Curb Your Enthusiasm, where she plays the Orthodox Jewish Girl that gets stuck on a ski lift with Larry David, and her cable series Svetlana, executive produced alongside Mark Cuban, which she also wrote and directed. Her critically acclaimed solo show “DAI (enough)” had a hit run Off-Broadway and has toured around the world. and won the prestigious Lucille Lortel Award for Best Solo Performance, as well as two Drama Desk and UK Stage Award nominations. As a stand-up comic, Iris has performed both in the US and abroad, and was chosen as one of the New Faces at the Montreal Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. She performs regularly in New York City.

Read an Excerpt

The Book of Leon
Whoever you are and whatever your reasons, clearly you made the right damn decision to sit your ass down and read the most important book of your life! So, since you’re here, let’s begin.

You’re about to read a whole lot of shit in this book, and trust me, this knowledge isn’t for all of you, but I know for a fact that some of you will get what I’m talking about. “Who are those people?” you ask. If you have to ask, then it ain’t you, because those people know who the fuck they are!!!

Now, people have different ideas on where and how to start a story. Some people like to start in the middle by saying some shit that sounds weird because you don’t know what the fuck came before it. The problem with that is that if you don’t know where the fuck you’ve been, you’re gonna have a hard time figuring out where the hell you’re going. Other, more creative people like to start shit toward the end, then jump to the beginning and then wrap back around to the end again. You know what I’m talking about? It’s what they do in every movie about a singer. Movies about people like Ray Charles, James Brown, and—just so you don’t think I only watch movies about black people—Johnny Cash. All of those movies always start with a dude looking tired and old as fuck. Like we’re catching him a day and a half before he dies. He’s always sitting somewhere reflecting on his life as he stares at something like a clock or a glass of water or some shit. All of a sudden everything goes black for a second, and then across the screen we see the name of some tiny ass town like “Broken Foot, Alabama,” or “Chipped Tooth, Tennessee,” and a date from years ago. At this point, we know we are in a flashback, so we are treated to bits of that man’s tragic ass life, complete with all his fuck-ups. And then, like a flash, we see him old again. That’s what we see, but the part that we don’t get to see is that old ass man sitting there staring at a glass of water for two hours while people tap the fuck out of him to get him to snap out of it. That’s a movie I would like to see: the day James Brown’s concerned friends tapped the shit out of his shoulder for two damn hours. “James . . . James . . . James!”

Anyway, while I like that way of telling a story—I mean, they did that shit in Pulp Fiction too! I loved that movie! Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta! Playing hit men! Who the fuck doesn’t like Pulp Fiction? Besides I’m not trying to tell you my life’s story. I mean, I will be telling you some shit from my life, but not tragic shit and not for entertainment’s sake. I don’t need you judging my life. What the fuck do I look like?! Huh? What I share is for you to learn from, not to mock!

Look, I’ma tell you right now, I know a little about everything but not a whole lot about anything, so get from this book what you need and don’t complain to me about shit!

Table of Contents

Foreword xv

No Turning Back

He Ain't Wrong… He Just Ain't Right 3

The Front of This Damn Book 5

Book Clubs 7

The Shit 9

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly 11

Low Blow 14

Early Life

Fee-Pees and Johnsons 19

Who You? 22

And Vice Versa 25

Roomies 27

Style Master 29

Sex

Black Belt in Fucking 35

The Pohta 38

VD Gets Around 40

Mattre-asses 43

Those Taddies 45

Fuckable Professions 48

4 Play 50

Call of the Wild 52

Courting, Marriage, and Divorce

Sign Language 57

Mouth on You 62

Courtin' 64

Tats 67

Balls and Chains 70

Wife Insurance 73

Escape Clause 75

Raising Kids

Name Dat Baby 81

Hard Head-Soft Behind 84

It Takes a Damn Village 86

Birds and Bees 88

Ran-aways 90

Managing Money

In Me I Trust 95

Walkaway Plan 97

Man-Made 99

Dine and Ditch, Bitch 102

Always Bet on Black 104

IKEA Parties 106

Homeless Depot 107

Jehovah Witness Protection Program 109

Getting Over and Getting Ahead

Slow the Fuck Up 113

Snitching 115

Positive Snitching 117

Self-Esteem Defense 119

Shutting Shit Down 122

In It to Win It 124

Inventions and Ideas

Technology Speaking 129

Uberstand 131

Uberfeet 133

Strip Pay 135

Edible Underwear 2.0 137

Cruises-Not the Kid 139

Health and Diet

Time to Get Ill 143

Biggest Loser 145

Part-Time Vegetarian/Full-Time Cannibal 148

Staying Healthy

Spot Me 153

Flu Dick 155

Pussy Tea 158

Drug Youse 161

The Five Deadly Steps 163

Dr. Doctor, PhD 166

Food For Thought

Flix and Chicks 171

Cat Dog Monkey Falcon Soup 174

Sperm Bank Account 176

Catfish and Grits 180

Disneyland and World 183

Souped-Up 185

Camp Fuckthat 188

Time Travel Agent 190

Old Age

Cougarland 195

Vintage Sex Positions 197

Speaking of Old Ass People 199

Single-Serving Seniors 202

Jiffy Lube for Seniors 204

Kaput 206

Words to Live By

Mission Impossible 211

Four-Legged Race 213

Buffetarian 215

What I Say-What I Mean

Word Artist 219

Bring the Ruckus 221

Get in That Ass 222

Topsy-Turvy (Flip That Shit) 224

You Can't Pause Toast 226

Champagne-Filled Croissants 230

Somebody Always Gotta Get Fucked Up, Larry 232

82 Is My Shit 234

End and Endings

Step Out That Ass 239

Epilogue 243

Acknowledgments 245

Apologies 247