The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say it and Mean it-and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (Updated Edition)

by Susan Newman PhD, Cristina Schreil (With)

Overview

An updated edition of the bestselling guide!

• Do you have problems saying "No?”
• Do people always turn to you for a favor?
• Wonder how you get roped into things you really don't want to do—with friends or family, at work or even with pushy salespeople?

Refusing someone is rarely easy. Often, it's downright uncomfortable. But constantly saying "yes" causes anxiety, anger, stress, regret, and feelings of powerlessness.

Social psychologist and author Dr. Susan Newman empowers you to break your debilitating yes habit with her simple techniques and insights. This new, enhanced edition is filled with research and timely scenarios that offer more ways to say “no” without feeling guilty or damaging your relationships.

You’ll discover how to:

• Recognize when someone is manipulating you into “yes"
• Be ready with the words you need to refuse
• Avoid being overcommitted, overworked and overwhelmed
• Put an end to feelings of resentment or frustration
• Make quality time for things you want to do
• Establish and keep your boundaries strong

Harness the power of “No” and take back your life.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781683366904
Publisher:	Turner Publishing Company
Publication date:	12/05/2017
Pages:	288
Sales rank:	1,102,143
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.40(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Susan Newman, PhD is a social psychologist and author. Her research and writing focus on parenting and family relationship issues. She is the author of more than a dozen books and a regular contributor to Psychology Today and US News & World Report. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, USA Today, The Washington Post as well as in numerous other newspapers and national magazines. She appears on major news outlets, among them, CNN, NPR, Good Morning America, The Today Show, and CBS Sunday Morning to discuss breaking news, social trends and parenting concerns.

Dr. Newman is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Authors Guild, and the American Society of Journalists and Authors. She is a Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) for abused and neglected children.

She lives in the New York Metro area and is the mother of one son and four stepchildren. Visit her website at www.susannewmanphd.com.

Read an Excerpt

Author’s Note to the Updated Edition

Ten years after writing the first edition of The Book of NO, it still surprises me how good it feels to say no or its equivalent—“I’m on overload right now”; “That’s not going to work for me”; I’m busy that day”… More surprising is that saying no doesn’t mean the end of the world. It won’t cause my children to stop loving me, my friends to abandon me, or my colleagues to ignore me.

In the last decade or so, however, life has started to feel like a pressure cooker, with mounting requests and demands. Technology certainly ups the potential for conflicts—people expect immediate answers. For one reason or another, most of us are busier than ever.

One of the traps I realized is, like many people, I think I can do more than I can. Given an allotted number of hours to do everything, something’s got to give. But what? I understood that I needed to change my thinking and do a better job of setting up and guarding my boundaries, because boundaries are key to not being an inveterate people-pleaser buried in an avalanche of to-dos.

Obviously, there will be instances when you have to or want to help out. The Book of NO was not created to justify the egomaniac who wants everything his or her way. Rather, it’s for those of us—me included—who say yes too often. It’s for people who kick themselves after agreeing to do something that, it turns out, didn’t really require their compliance.

This edition is chock-full of new situations and research that explain why a “No” may be the best answer, and offers more ways to say it without feeling guilty or damaging a relationship. You’ll start paying more attention to what is asked, how and when it is asked, and how quickly you respond—usually too fast in an effort to please, placate or avoid hurting someone’s feelings. I have every hope that in short order you can adapt to living happily ever after with no as a staple in your vocabulary.

The goal is to gain better command of the word “No” in handling requests for your time, talent, muscle, money, know-how or presence that pull you in too many directions and eat up precious time. The insights and examples that follow will strengthen your resolve so you have time to do more for the people and things most important to you. And that means for yourself as well.

Table of Contents

Author's Note xi

Introduction xiii

Quiz: How Much of a People-Pleaser Are You? xiv

The Disease to Please: Why You Say Yes xv

No: A Learned Skill xvii

Changing Your Thinking xviii

Setting Boundaries xix

Putting No to Work for You xx

1 Stepping into No: The Basics 1

Your Go-To No Responses 3

Buying Time 3

When No Is Crystal Clear 12

2 With Friends 25

Quiz; Are Your Friendships Balanced and Beneficial? 26

Who's a Friend? 27

Friendship Fatigue 32

You're Invited 43

Out and About: Social Graces 52

In the Neighborhood 61

3 All in the Family 71

Quiz: Are You the Yes-Person In Your Family? 72

Parent and In-Law Traps 73

Sibling Strife 92

Those Other Relatives! 101

No, Darling 115

4 With Children-Park Your Guilt 129

Quiz: How Much of a Yes-Parent Are You? 130

"Why Parents Say Yes 131

The Benefits of No-Parenting 132

Training Ground: The Early Years 133

Elementary Rules: Using No with School-Aged Children 143

Patient Parenting: The Teen Years 155

Parenting Is Forever: Adult Children 168

5 At Work 177

Quiz: Are You the Office Yes-Man (Or Woman)? 178

High Performance versus Overload 179

Standing Up for Yourself 189

When You're the Boss 199

Mixing Business with Pleasure 207

Sticky Situations 215

6 Really Difficult People 229

Quiz: How Susceptible Are You to Forceful People? 230

Selling You a Bill of Goods 231

Getting Things Done-Your Way 244

Out-of-the-Blue Challenges 251

7 Your New Mind-Set 259

Finding the Courage 259

Saying Yes to the No Word 260

The No Credo 263

Bowing Out: Your New Mind-Set 264

Editorial Reviews

A colossal, common, and vexing problem, which causes many other devilishly inescapable problems, is not saying ‘no’ before ‘yes’ leaps out of your mouth. In this priceless, practical, pithy volume, Dr. Susan Newman uses her wisdom, wiles, and wit to teach you—kind, nice, good, and giving person that you are—how to bow out gracefully, how to decline an offer without giving offense, and how to teach others to do the same thing. This book is a game-changer and a life saver!”—Edward Hallowell, MD, author of Driven to Distraction and other books

“If you want to be a good friend, team player, and nice person, but always seem to put yourself—and the things you want—last, THE BOOK OF NO is for you. It helps break down the stigma and guilt associated with saying no, and provides hundreds of tips for exactly how to say it in specific circumstances and relationships. You’ll learn the psychology behind why you get sucked into saying yes too often and what to do to stop.”—Alice Boyes, PhD, author of The Anxiety Toolkit: Strategies for Fine-Tuning Your Mind and Moving Past Your Stuck Points

“Overwhelmed? Overextended? Stressed? THE BOOK OF NO is a must-read for the pushover tendency in all of us who agree to most things asked of us. Leading relationship psychologist Susan Newman explains why you say yes too often and how to say no graciously without feeling guilty or offending. Think of it as your life preserver and go-to guide for navigating relationships with your friends, family, spouse, boss, coworkers, parents, kids…even strangers. You’ll want to say yes to THE BOOK OF NO and keep it close by.”—Michele Borba, EdD, educational psychologist and author of UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World

“Does it have to be a fact of life that, as parents, it’s next to impossible to say no to our children? Susan Newman guides parents out of their giving-in habit with toddlers, teens, even adult children with smart advice in situations you will recognize and relate to. If you’re a ‘yes’ parent, you need THE BOOK OF NO to help you stand firm through your parenting journey. It’s healthy for you and your kids!”—Amy McCready, author of The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World

“The Book of No gives people the courage to stand up for themselves. Reading it is both helpful and a delight; you find yourself sighing with gratitude, feeling freer because you have the exact words to say ‘no,’ and thinking of who else in your life needs this book.”—Jody J. Foster, MD, MBA and Michelle T. Joy, MD, coauthors of The Schmuck in My Office: How to Deal Effectively with Difficult People at Work

“Sometimes you have to say no so you have time to say yes to what really matters—the things that are important to you, preserve your health, and add to your happiness. That’s the powerful takeaway message from this realistic guide to kicking the ‘yes’ habit and embracing the power of no.”—Ann Douglas, author of Parenting Through the Storm

“All too often we find ourselves overworked and overstressed because we take on too much at work or at home. In short, we have trouble saying no! Dr. Susan Newman’s book is an essential guide for those of us who are too agreeable, nice, or helpful, and really don’t know how to set critical limits.”—Ronald E. Riggio, PhD, professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology, Claremont McKenna College

“In a world infected by instant gratification and murky boundaries, saying no—and sticking to it—is quickly becoming a lost art. The good news is that Susan Newman is here to help. Using detailed examples, humor, and actionable steps, Newman helps us explore our own obstacles to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries and empowers us to put an end to personal overload. In saying ‘yes’ to ‘no,’ we just might make a dent in putting an end to our current culture of busy.”—Katie Hurley, LCSW, author of No More Mean Girls and The Happy Kid Handbook

“For many of us, it's very difficult to say no. We’re asked to take on extra assignments at work and help colleagues and clients with projects that might be outside our official job description. We’re asked for favors by our friends, by our families, and sometimes even by our LinkedIn connections. And yes, it’s nice to help, but we can end up overburdened. In THE BOOK OF NO, Susan Newman offers great strategies and tips for learning to say no. This book is going to be my new go-to volume for putting a bit more ‘no’ in my life—and in the life of my clients, colleagues, and friends.”—Andy Molinsky, PhD, professor of Organizational Behavior and International Management, Brandeis University, and author of Reach and Global Dexterity

“In this updated edition of THE BOOK OF NO, social psychologist Susan Newman offers research and immensely practical tools to help us set boundaries and stop people-pleasing. The book is fun, easy to read, and provides scenarios like requests to look after a relative’s children, drive your teen to the mall, or give up your weekend plans to do last-minute work. Along with each scenario are specific dialogues that demonstrate exactly what to say. The ‘no’ responses are right on target—assertive and clear, yet respectful. So many of us struggle to skillfully set boundaries without hurting our relationships. This book is just what we need!”—Melanie Greenberg, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of The Stress-Proof Brain

“A wise and practical guide to living a life that fits your personal values, Susan Newman’s newest book is a treasure trove of realistic scenarios and thoughtful responses to help you let go of commitments that leave you feeling resentful and depleted. Whether it’s a whining child or a demanding acquaintance, a guilt-tripping relative or an unreasonable work colleague, THE BOOK OF NO offers doable strategies for setting healthy boundaries so you can say ‘Yes!’ to the things that truly matter to you.”—Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD, NJ psychologist, and coauthor of Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends

From the Publisher