The Coitus Chronicles: My Quest for Sex, Love, and Orgasms

by Olive Persimmon

Overview

Think you know everything about sex? Think again! Weaving together the awkwardness of Mindy Kaling, the candor of Chelsea Handler, and the author’s own hilarious vulnerability, this memoir/manual will encourage you to explore your sexuality and consider what surprises you may discover if you do. Just say yes!

Meet Olive Persimmon. Growing up, she looked exactly like Danny DeVito, except she was thirteen and a girl. By some miracle, she grew into a relatively normal, well-adjusted thirty-something woman living in New York City—with one notable exception: she hasn’t had sex in five years, one month, three days, two-point-five hours . . . and counting.

Faced with bona fide sex rut, she decides it's time to take action to save her love life and get her mojo back. Challenged by a friend to "say yes" to experiences she might normally avoid, Olive embarks on a series of adventures and explores everything from BDSM classes to cuddlers-for-hire, from foot fetishes to lessons with a top-ranked pickup artist, and more! Each awkward, funny, and sometimes downright embarrassing encounter brings Olive closer to discovering the power of saying yes—to herself, others, and life itself.

For fans of Jenny Slate, this is a funny, irreverent, and honest tale of one young woman's journey to reclaim her sexuality on the fringes of New York City's sex and dating world.

Readers can see for themselves how this girl next door overcame insecurities around dating, sex, and love—all with openness, honesty, and a wicked sense of humor. Along the way, readers will wonder: Will Olive ever have sex again? Will her love life be okay? Will her toe fungus come back? Does she ever find her mojo, and where was it hiding?

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781510732414
Publisher:	Skyhorse
Publication date:	06/11/2019
Pages:	240
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.30(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Olive Persimmon decided her name would be more fun if it involved food. After a failed attempt at writing under the alias Mashed Potato Candy, she settled on Olive Persimmon. She’ s been creating content and working under that nom de plume for seven years.

Table of Contents

The Brief History of an Unintentional Celibate 1

Knot What You Think 7

OM'ing 23

The Stealthiest Ex 35

There's a Boy in My Room 43

The Most Beautiful Penis in the World 55

All the Deep Shit That Is Really Wrong with Me 67

Fetish Fervor 77

Goddamnit, There's Still a Lot of Shit Lurking Around 83

Secrets from a Top Pickup Artist 87

Bringing Sexy Back 99

Foot Worship, It's a Thing. You Should Try It. 115

An Itch to Scratch 119

Apples and Oranges 127

The Stupid Things You Do after a Breakup 135

What Is Sex Even? 147

Clark Kent 151

The Friends with Benefits Experiment 157

A Cuddling Catastrophe 165

I Paid a Man to Cuddle with Me 183

Tantra 191

Squirting Lab 203

Everyone Told Me Not to Do It and I Did It Anyway 213

An Ending That's Happy 221

Acknowledgments 225

Editorial Reviews

Reading Olive’s words , no matter your sexual experience, makes you feel at home. She makes you feel heard. This book is the perfect balance of laugh-out-loud stories and thoughtful wisdom about sex, love, and life. After all, we’re all just trying to figure our own stuff out.”
— GIGI ENGLE, a certified sex coach, clinical sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes

“Funny, sweet, and SASSY. Definitely a must read if you want a laugh.”
—ROSS ASDOURIAN, author of Broken Bananah

“Reading The Coitus Chronicles felt forbidden —but not for the reasons you’d expect. I felt as though I had sneaked a peek into Olive Persimmon’s hilariously funny diary about sex and dating. This book balanced poignant self-exploration (in all possible senses of the term) with sweetly whimsical humor. I hope someone puts Olive’s adventures onscreen!”
— FIONA TAYLOR, author of New Erotica for Feminists

“Think you k now everything about sex? Think again. This is an unintentional guidebook for anyone looking to have more, better, or just any sex. Persimmon’s not afraid to tell the truth in a way t hat’s both humorous and compassionate. It’s a must-read for every man, woman, or person trying to figure out both sex and love.”
—RADHI KAVAZ, comedian and author of Unladylike

From the Publisher