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Overview
For years, clinical psychologist Dr. Jerome Blass practiced individual, family, and marital therapy, as well as educational psychology. He recorded his observations and insights into human behavior in his weekly newspaper column; now he shares his wisdom with the world.
The Family Counselor is a compilation of more than eight hundred of Blass's columns published over a 21-year period in the Jewish Standard, a northern New Jersey weekly newspaper. Dr. Blass uses warmth and empathy to help readers understand and deal with common individual and family problems. He covers a wide range of topics, including child-rearing, family relationships, divorce, death, illness, habits and hang-ups, and social and educational problems.
Dr. Blass explains the psychology behind why we think, feel, and behave the way we do, offering practical advice for dealing with a wide variety of life's problems and challenges. Whether you're struggling with disciplining your children, trying to fi nd time for your spouse, or dealing with emotional turmoil, Dr. Blass advocates a rational and common sense approach, and will help guide you through life's obstacles, large and small.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781469739625 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | iUniverse, Incorporated |
| Publication date: | 04/26/2012 |
| Pages: | 1028 |
| Product dimensions: | 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 2.30(d) |
Read an Excerpt
The Family Counselor
By Jerome H. Blass
iUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2012 Jerome H. Blass, PhD.All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4697-3962-5
Chapter One
DEALING WITH PREJUDICE February 9, 1979
Is there a Jewish parent who has not, at some time or another, had to calm the outraged feelings of a child who has just encountered his first taste of prejudice or anti-Semitism? What parent has not had the experience of trying to soothe the pain of a child who has just been called a "dirty Jew," or any one of a host of cruel epithets hurled at members of our race? Unless one lives in a Jewish ghetto, surrounded by only fellow Jews, the possibility of the derogatory remark, the racial slur, the prejudicial innuendo can almost be taken for granted. What aggravates the pain even more is a parent's helplessness in dealing with the situation.
One's immediate reaction is to dash out and inflict bodily retribution on the offender, or barring that, at least to call upon the parents of the young anti-Semite and vent one's anger and one's protest in the hope that they will be sufficiently moved to give their offending child the punishment he deserves. Upon calmer reflection, however, we realize that neither of the two alternatives is likely to produce the desired results and with the recognition of our powerlessness, our frustration grows until we find ourselves simmering long after our child has calmed down and forgotten. How does one deal with this aggravating problem?
First of all, by not overreacting. It is understandable that a parent will feel furious and profoundly wounded through the natural process of identifying with the child. At the same time, however, before jumping to conclusions, wise parents would do well to question the child carefully and get all the facts. The parent may discover that the child who appears to be the innocent victim is not entirely blameless himself. Children learn very early in life a vocabulary of derogatory terms and insulting names, and while calling a child a name is not the same as hurling a racial slur, children cannot be counted upon to distinguish between the two. Parents, therefore, would do well to determine what led up to the anti-Semitic remark and in what context it was uttered.
Second, parents are wise to avoid reinforcing the child's attention-getting behavior. The child learns after one or two anti-Semitic experiences that his hurt feelings elicit a great deal of sympathy from his parents and that parents will go out of their way to assuage his ruffled feelings in a number of ways that can be very pleasant. Such a child can be counted upon to react henceforth to the slightest provocation by running home in tears. This, however, tends to invite further cruel remarks from playmates and the emergence of a vicious cycle.
On a positive level, parents can be mindful of the old adage, "Prevention is nine-tenths of the cure." Instead of attempting to cope with the disease after it strikes, it makes more sense to build up the patient's resistance so that he never comes down with the illness to begin with. One way of doing this is to build up a child's confidence and self-esteem early in life. Children with a poor self-image and those lacking in self-confidence are undoubtedly more susceptible to the unkind remarks and name calling than those who have a healthy self-image that enables them to take such remarks in stride.
In addition to building up a child's resistance to prejudice by building up his personal self-image and self-esteem, Jewish parents are wise to give their child positive identification with his Jewishness. Americans who are proud to be Americans take criticism of America in stride, secure in their belief that such criticism is not true or perhaps is deliberately motivated by jealousy. A Jewish child who is imbued with pride in his heritage possesses that armor that is not easily pierced by the arrows of anti-Semitic prejudice.
HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH SORROW February 16, 1979
See updated version May 4, 1990
SENSIBLE DISCIPLINE February 23, 1979
"Spare the rod, spoil the child" is an old adage by which numerous generations of children used to be and still are raised. In more recent times a more sophisticated college educated generation of parents, mindful of the emotional by-products of strict discipline, has adopted a more lenient approach to child rearing which can often be characterized as complete permissiveness. Both approaches are often nonproductive. In the first case, children disobey parents out of resentment; in the second case, they often disobey them out of lack of fear.
The truth of the matter is that there are really no pat formulas for producing children who will never engage in the kind of behavior parents and society in general find so objectionable.
Virtually all normal children engage in some defiant behavior now and then and this is not necessarily to be deplored. A certain amount of rebellion or disagreement with parental wishes is often a necessary part of the process that leads to independence and self-reliance. What we are concerned with is the kind of persistent defiance that turns the home into a battlefield and creates an atmosphere of continued hostility and anger between parent and child. It is a home where all controls have broken down and where despite the best efforts of the parents it is difficult to reinstate them.
What home atmospheres tend to be more effective in raising children who exhibit good self-control while at the same time not stifling a child's natural spontaneity and creativeness?
Studies have shown that homes characterized by a high degree of authoritarian control produce quiet, well behaved children. At the same time these children are non-resistant and socially non-aggressive. They show little playfulness or spontaneity.
A completely permissive atmosphere is also not the answer. While spontaneity and playfulness are not stifled, children in the completely permissive home are often incapable of making proper decisions in crucial areas and lacking the guidance of parents, they frequently turn to peers who are no more adept than they are. An atmosphere of permissiveness on the part of the parents is also frequently interpreted by a child as uncaring and unloving.
The most effective atmosphere based on studies that have been made of different types of homes seems to be the one in which parents do a great deal of "teaching." They control their children's behavior by giving information and reasoning, while at the same time setting firm limits. These parents are warm and loving. They respect their child's independence and are willing to explain to them the reason for their decisions and positions. At the same time, however, they make it clear that they can be firm in maintaining the positions they have adopted and the limits which they have set, where, in their judgment, the best interests of their child will be served.
OUR VIOLENT SOCIETY March 2, 1979
See updated version December 17, 1993
SIBLING RIVALRY March 9, 1979
The problem of sibling rivalry is as old as the first pages of the Bible where Cain and Abel are the adversaries, and as current as the first page of our daily newspaper where the President of the United States finds it difficult to control the antics of brother Billy, who seems determined to denigrate and embarrass both him and the exalted office he holds. The problem of sibling rivalry is not easy to avoid and sometimes leads to disastrous consequences as the Biblical story of Joseph and his brethren attests. Even in those instances where the results are not as catastrophic, it is the rare person who does not smart in the recesses of his psyche from the hurts of sibling rivalry which go back to early childhood. How do we avoid the pitfalls that eventually pit one child against the other?
First of all, by being familiar with the dynamics which create the problem in the first place. We should recognize that all children are basically self-centered. Each child wants all the attention and the affection he can possibly get. hey learn to expect this from their earliest infancy when they are the center of attraction and when all their wants are attended to with no expectation of anything in return.
Suddenly, after being the center of attention and recipient of all the parents' love, a sibling interloper appears on the scene and begins to drain off a good part of the attention and affection previously reserved for the favored older child.
Moreover, the older one is suddenly asked not only to forego a good portion of what he has heretofore received without charge, but to begin paying for the little that is left for him by acting in a grownup, mature manner. Conduct that was previously, acceptable for him and now acceptable for the new arrival is suddenly frowned upon when he engages in it. Can you then blame the older child when he openly states. "I don't like the new baby," or when he suddenly reverts to infantile behavior like bedwetting and baby talk.
To make matters worse, the situation does not improve with time either. The older brother is expected to share his room, his toys, and his precious belongings with this "rival" and make a show of understanding and a display of generosity that many adults would find difficult to do.
Recognizing the dynamics and the background of the problem makes it a bit easier to plan an effective strategy for coping with it. Parents can use their own imagination on this, but the following tried and tested methods are offered as a guide. The most obvious method is to prepare the older child for the arrival of the newcomer and to let him share in the, care of the newcomer when he finally arrives.
Another bit of sound advice is to spare the feelings of the older child by avoiding too great a show of affection for the little one in his presence. Along these lines, it is most helpful not to neglect the older child but to set aside time for him as well when the newcomer is asleep.
Above all, an awareness of the resentment which an older child feels and often justifiably so will go a long way toward cushioning the shock and mitigating the hurts and slights which lead to sibling rivalry.
MINIMAL BRAIN DYSFUNCTION (MBD) AND BAR MITZVAH March 16, 1979
"My son is suffering from MBD (Minimal Brain Dysfunction). He is a hyperactive child and is in a special class in school. What shall we do with his bar mitzvah?"
Parents of a Jewish child who has been diagnosed as hyperactive, or in more technical terms as neurologically impaired, seek an answer to a problem that has been weighing very heavily on their minds for a number of years. Their child is 10 years old. Knowing the difficulties they have had with his schooling, they are extremely apprehensive when they think of his bar mitzvah and the concentration and preparation it will entail. With his hyperactivity, his poor powers of concentration, and his very short attention span, how will he possibly master the skills needed for the bar mitzvah service?
To eliminate the bar mitzvah would come as a great disappointment to the parents and grandparents, not to speak of the feelings of the child who will be denied one of the major milestones of his life. On the other hand, to go ahead with the bar mitzvah may be putting pressures on the child which are beyond his abilities. Getting him to pay attention in class, to bring home his assignments, to do his homework, and to concentrate long enough on the subject matter to master the basic skills of the three R's has been a monumental struggle in itself. The thought of undertaking a bar mitzvah with such a child fills the parents with fear and trepidation. Those who are familiar with the problems of such children can readily understand the parents' anxiety and worry.
Children who are diagnosed as neurologically impaired or suffering from problems that are lumped together under the heading of Learning Disabilities have a number of symptoms in common. They are hyperactive, easily distracted, and are frequently unable to control their impulses. Many have problems with poor motor coordination and difficulty dealing with objects and ideas on an abstract level. These problems often prevent them from keeping up with other children and the constant pattern of failure develops a defeatist attitude which also results in a pattern of noncompliance and misconduct. Parents of such children often wonder how they will get their child through the bar mitzvah ordeal successfully.
Basically, the picture is actually not as dark as it appears to be. First of all, despite fears that their child may be retarded or emotionally disturbed, experience has shown that this is not the case. The symptoms are not due to mental retardation and all symptoms are not necessarily found in all children. There are varying degrees of difficulty and a child usually has a pattern of strengths as well as weaknesses.
In general, neurologically impaired, or NI, children respond best on a one-to-one basis which is the method used in preparing for the bar mitzvah. Thus the child who may not do well in the Hebrew School classroom because of his distractability may do quite well in the bar mitzvah training because of the one-to-one relationship. Secondly, these children may have difficulty with abstract material, but do much better when the material is presented in a concrete form. The bar mitzvah is anything but abstract. It presents highly concrete material which is mastered through consistent repetition. As an added bonus for the child, the material represents a completely new experience and hence does not carry with it associations of failure as is the case with the secular subjects. In a sense, therefore, the child is offered an opportunity to make a totally fresh start. Furthermore, unlike the secular subjects which require that a given amount of material be mastered in a given length of time, there is really nothing to prevent the child with a learning disability from starting his training earlier than normal children, thereby removing some of the pressures that such a child feels in the classroom. Finally, if all hurdles prove insurmountable, in consultation with the rabbi of the synagogue, arrangements can be made for the bar mitzvah to take place on a day other than Saturday where the requirements may be less taxing.
If they look at the situation realistically, the parent of the NI youngster may be worrying needlessly. With common sense and by working cooperatively with the religious school the bar mitzvah may easily turn into a triumphant experience and one of the few achievements that may boost the ego of a youngster who has been accustomed to failure.
EXPLAINING DEATH TO CHILDREN March 23, 1979
The mother of a four-year old writes that recently her mother, to whom the child was extremely attached, passed away. How can she best explain the death of the child's late grandmother? This is a recurrent question that lots of little children ask frequently.
While it is difficult to compose an answer that will satisfy everyone, mental health professionals who have experience in dealing with children and therefore havegreaterinsightintotheworkingsofthechild'smindknowcertainexplanations that will not work, and, if anything, will leave the child even more disturbed and emotionally uneasy. Consider the following rather popular explanations:
1. Grandma just went to sleep. In some respects this may be true, but in the child's mind death is thereby equated with sleep. At best, the child wonders why, if she is asleep, she never wakes up. At worst, the, child begins to wonder how safe it is to fall asleep himself and whether the same fate may be lying in wait for him when he does.
2. Grandma has gone away on a long trip. This does not really answer the question. The child is accustomed to seeing that those who leave on trips eventually return and, while the explanation may be comforting, it sets up an unrealistic expectation that the loved one will return. This child will, in all probability, continue to inquire, "When is Grandma coming back?" As time passes and the loved one fails to return, the child takes this as a sign of rejection and abandonment and the pain of the loss is eventually replaced by anger and resentment toward the missing loved one who is evidently no longer is interested in seeing her favorite grandchild.
3. God took Grandma away because God loves good people and wants them with him in Heaven. Adults may derive some comfort in this rationalization which, incidentally, also finds an echo in Jewish tradition, but it is far from satisfying to the child's mind. In this case the child's resentment is directed not against the parent or grandparent who abandoned him, but against God who in His selfishness took the child's beloved grandmother for Himself. To the child who has been taught that punishment is the retribution for evil, it scarcely makes sense to assert now that punishment can also be the reward for being good. In the final analysis the child wonders whether it pays to be good and whether perhaps those who live to a ripe old age do so because their behavior is such that God does not want them.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Family Counselor by Jerome H. Blass Copyright © 2012 by Jerome H. Blass, PhD.. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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