The Foreplay Between Pain and Purpose: How to Uncover Your Life's Purpose by Redefining the Pain in Your Life

by Cynthia Ann Ryk

Overview

If not betrayal or remorse, then who was this dark shadow standing ever so close to me? "Excuse me, Miss; are you okay?" I looked up into the bartender's kind face. "Sure ... just a lot on my plate-the price of a successful life." Inside, I was shutting down, and the tape kept playing: "Keep functioning! Be strong. They count on you. You can handle it." Who were they?

• Is there too much on your plate? Are you trying to keep it all together?
• Do you find yourself forced into looking for another job or career and don't have the energy or resources to think about it?
• Does your present success have anything to do with your real purpose in life?

Dive into this creative, thought-provoking story and workbook to find relief, rejuvenation, and revelation in your search for answers to life's challenges. The vignettes in this book provide fresh possibilities for rethinking any circumstance in your life. Author Cynthia Ryk gives her readers a fun-loving way to explore important issues and practical insights into the question of why.

"The Foreplay... is about freeing yourself of the pain that keeps you from abounding Clarity, Ecstasy, and Outright joy in your life. This inspiring book will light your path to Purpose."
-Debra Benton, author, The Virtual Executive and CEO Material

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781452559285
Publisher:	Balboa Press
Publication date:	10/23/2012
Pages:	150
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.35(d)

Read an Excerpt

The foreplay between Pain and Purpose

How to Uncover Your Life's Purpose by Redefining the Pain in Your Life

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By Cynthia Ann Ryk

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2012 Cynthia Ann Ryk
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-5928-5

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Chapter One

In the Beginning, There Lies the End

"You have to get lost enough in order to find yourself," I proclaimed to these already weary travelers of Corporate America. The students in my class came from all walks of life. Some came from the traditional banking industry, where they were promoted based on the belief that they were life-long partners. Others had journeyed into my classroom from the healthcare industry, where they were nursed on the dream of fulfillment through providing only the best and most dedicated patient care. Many travelers came from the high tech land of Ever Changing Parts. There were even representatives from the retail industry—the land of You Can Have It All—who somehow now found themselves walking away without a shopping cart and empty-handed! They held various positions from the front line to middle management; even a few of the executive level folks found themselves traveling from their previous profession to this new and strange place of transition.

Yet, despite their diverse professional backgrounds, several curious commonalities surfaced amongst my class attendees. All had journeyed through the lush green hills of the late 1980s and early 90s, enjoying the comforts of high esteem with their familiar professional roles. Using the financial and other material benefits of their successes and promotions, some managed to gorge themselves full of debt through the 1990s. These folks were all akin to Takeru, a twenty seven year old, who won his sixth straight title in the annual hot dog eating competition on Coney Island. He broke his own record set at the same competition two years earlier, by stuffing down 53.75 hot dogs in twelve minutes, securing yet another win. Can you imagine devouring that much in so little time? How did he stomach it? Similarly, many of the weary travelers had now broken their own record of debt consumption from just a few years ago and they finally came to admit they were not stomaching it well at all.

Another commonality across the room soon became evident. In this new millennium, the class attendees were all travelers through a new and foreign land, the land of the Dispensable Workforce. Their former employer had tossed them away like a day old loaf of bread. And that's how they now found themselves sitting in my class titled Career Transitions.

Many told me that they had sacrificed their personal lives to contribute fifty to sixty hours a week to their employer. What bothered them most was that they had given their hearts and souls to their companies, often forgoing their personal well-being in order to keep their jobs. It seems that balance is a dirty word in Corporate America. Take Erica, for example, a woman in her early thirties who had been groomed and raised by a Fortune 100 company like an award winning pedigree. She walked with her chin up, shoulders straight back, and always marched to the beat of her manager's orders. Erica was the main breadwinner in her family and the proud mother of two young children. By all outside appearances, she would have won the Working Mother of the Year award. Yet, Erica walked into my class frightened and desperate, sharing with me—in confidence—that her work had taken a toll on her marriage and that she was in the middle of a painful divorce. She also told me that she would have to miss a class or two because she was in the next phase of testing for cancer. Most of all, she exclaimed, she needed money fast! She had a big home with all the latest home entertainment technology and several high-end automobiles. And here entered her fear. She had been groomed within her company and had come to realize that her skills were company specific and, in her opinion, not very competitive elsewhere. Dear God, what would she do now? More than that, how would she retain her generous salary?

I think it might be a secret conspiracy between Corporate America and MasterCard, who repeatedly tell us, "Some things are priceless. For everything else, there's MasterCard!" They both benefit from our debt. MasterCard earns profit from your borrowed dreams and ambitions; Corporate America earns your tenure until your debt is paid off, or until they need to pay off debt, in which case you become dispensable. Where did priceless go? Priceless, a notion once adorned and regularly witnessed and experienced, is now shelved as a privilege reserved for the lucky few.

Were these weary travelers really tossed away? Or did they, under their strong middle class fervor to keep up with the Joneses, somehow create their fate? After all, in order to endure the absurdity of the now unchallenging, thankless, easily outsourced positions, something had to replace the joy in their hearts that was once fulfilled through their work. We'll never know the answer to that question, but they did know this about their recent job loss: "I don't want another helping of that!" And so they sat, like kindergartners on the first day of school, excited to learn new things and a bit nervous about their new surroundings, as I introduced the goals for the class. We would be learning the stages of transition and the benefits to finding more purposeful and meaningful work.

I explained that transition is a three-course meal, to be eaten deliberately and slowly, savoring each bite for its contribution to the full effect—a meal described as delectable, exquisite, mouthwatering, succulent, heavenly and forever tantalizing. I told them they could have this three-course meal many times throughout their lives, if they chose to experience each course completely. However, as experience taught me in working with laid-off professionals, many would not make it through the entire meal. Some would quit before the second course, the main one, exclaiming that it was not what they ordered! Others would begin the second course, but soon get up and leave the table because the flavor was so unfamiliar. They were so sure that it had been prepared wrong that they demanded their money back! However, those that stayed through the first two courses would be rewarded with the final delectable course, an experience unlike any exquisite dessert they ever had in their life. Pleasing every sense in their mouth, heart, and soul, this third course would make them so alive again; they would wonder what took them so long to order it?

The three stages, I explained, as first defined by William Bridges in his book, Transitions, were ending, void, and new beginning, which—when chewed and fully digested—make a succulent and gratifying meal, otherwise known as transition. Transition would change their taste buds forever! If they swallowed transition with an understanding of its ingredients and benefits, they would navigate through the new world of work with a renewed sense of self and purpose. Never again would they behave like the orphan Oliver Twist who, with courage and fear, spoke up and said, "Please sir, I want some more."

I clarified that transition was different from change, after all "change happens." They make bumper stickers for it; but just use a different word. We don't often have control over the events that seem to enter our lives, sneaking up on us like an intruder who asks us at gunpoint for all of our money (pride), jewels (security), and other possessions (comfort), likely acquired with the help of MasterCard. I went on to share a time when change, in all its magnitude, broke into my life and threatened to rob me of everything I knew. It was then that I received counsel from my friend Karen, who said, "Girlfriend, those things are just the icing on the cake. If you are ever going to figure out what this life is all about, you're going to have to be willing to lose your possessions many times over. How else are you going to learn that you are more than your stuff?" Said by anyone else, I would have written that remark off but Karen earned my respect right from our first meeting.

Many years ago, in a previous professional life, I managed a conference facility. At the time of meeting Karen, I was looking for more effective communication tools to share with my staff. There I sat, patiently waiting for the communication workshop to start. Just as the program coordinator began apologizing, stating that something must have happened to cause the speaker's absence, in walked Karen. Fully collected, calm, and as cool as her delicious royal blue suit with purple accents, she explained that she had the wrong time; but was glad to be here. She never apologized and really didn't need to. She knew who she was and what she had to share, and by the end of the hour, we all felt that we had received more than our money's worth. It was no longer about time. Karen had something I didn't. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt like the lady sitting in a diner a booth away from Sally and Harry, in the movie When Harry met Sally. The lady was eavesdropping, listening to Sally loudly and delightfully faking an orgasm for Harry's understanding of how women can and often do just that. The lady was in such shock about what she was hearing that—when her waitress came for her order—she exclaimed without hesitation, "I'll have what she's having!" Much like her, I wanted what Karen had! So I walked up afterwards, introduced myself, and asked if I could buy her a cup of coffee. She graciously replied that she would enjoy that and took out her calendar. Karen's demeanor and response felt as warm as a chenille blanket that you'd wrap around you to get rid of the shivers on a cold dark evening. That very day marked the beginning of a friendship. What Karen had that I would come to understand, in my own time, was an unwavering faith in a Universal purpose and timely unfolding to the events of one's life. Because of this, she radiated peace, gentleness, and thoughtfulness. She literally had a twinkle in her eye, born from a combination of her unconditional regard for others and her mischievous and playful nature.

Many times when answers to decisions weren't coming fast enough for me, she would simply say, "It'll all work out; it usually comes just in time."

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Just in time wasn't coming fast enough for the weary travelers in my class. They wanted answers and they wanted them now! But I assured them, as Karen had assured me many times, "If you are really going to become all that you are meant to be, you'll have to be willing to swallow the changes in your life and taste the full three course meal—the bitter, the savory, and the sweet. You'll have to accept the changes and welcome transition into your life."

Still seeing the confusion on some of their faces, I went on to explain that transition brings new possibilities hidden within the changing events of our lives. Changes are like the various ingredients in a kitchen that forevermore remain just ingredients, unless we stir them together to make a meal. It was up to them to stir up the ingredients of their lives, so they could embrace transition and create a fulfilling and healthier meal. For most of the students in this class, that meant having more significant, meaningful work.

I was in the same place as my students when I met Karen. I didn't want to stomach more of what I was experiencing day in and day out! On the other hand, I wasn't sure if I wanted to stir up the very personal ingredients that I had sealed and shelved for quite awhile—hurt, disbelief, betrayal, lack of confidence and, above all, fear! At that time, I had already choked down the first course, Ending, with all its bitterness. I was arduously chewing on the second course, Void, a blend between savory and bittersweet. Could I really stop there? After all, Karen told me how a New Beginning held the promise of sweetness. I imagined being served a decadent chocolate cake with caramel drippings, topped off with French Vanilla Bean ice cream. Would I walk away from that? Oh no, that would never happen; dessert is my favorite course! I decided then that I would have to eat all three courses. That realization alone was enough to keep me digesting the stages in order to taste the mouthwatering meal known as transition.

The First Journey Marker

What aspect of the title of this book aroused your attention?

What is going on in your life right now that you would describe as messy? (It may not necessarily be an ending, but possibly uncomfortable or even a painful experience?)

If you were laid off, have you given yourself permission to feel your reactions? (The feelings of anger, sadness or hurt brought upon by losing your identity, your wages, your community, your customers, your work?)

Can you yet imagine what a delectable, irresistible work role would taste like?

Is there a role you would savor almost every moment of, professionally or personally?

Think back through your life changes; list some here. Did you finish all three courses on your way to transition or is there still a course left undigested? (the next few chapters will better define each course)

Chapter Two

The Call to Transition

I told the students in my class that Ending was the first course. Endings don't care that your comfort zone is threatened. The goal for an ending is that you throw away the old or stale leftovers so that you can create a fresh, new dish. The more going on in your life at once, the sooner an ending can come! Imagine the chaos of losing your job, while also helping a family member through the loss of their loved one or maybe a health crisis. Now picture, for a little extra spice, that life sprinkles some drama in your relationship. No wait, better yet, a break up! Oooh! And to make it really interesting, your mind gets stuffed like a twenty pound turkey, both the neck and the ass end. The recipe for this stuffing is a savory blend of your hidden ingredients, including some stale skill crumbs, layers of self-doubt and esteem that make you cry every time you peel back another layer, a little sprinkle of salt to the wound and a pinch of nutcase, all tossed together with melted pats of slippery confusion. Now that's an award-winning recipe; a dish prepared for the arrival of an ending!

Some of my students could totally relate. They sat choked up, while holding back gallons of tears and sparks of anger that, I'm sure, if allowed to unleash, would have ignited the best of charcoal grills! Others looked at me as if to say, Hey lady, I only lost my job. Go easy! I don't want to go all the way; just give me my next job title.

And so it is with transition. Some surrender and devour the full three courses. Others? Well, they continue blaming the chef for making a bitter first course. How dare she? They hitchhike back to the nearest corner Café Comfort. Hey, it's easy, they say. I know what being served rotten food tastes like and no one's died yet! Don't ask me to get lost enough to find myself; just help me find another career destination.

I knew their responses well. I had swallowed many endings and immediately left the table. Was that so wrong? No, it's not about right or wrong with transition. I learned that we can swallow the full meal over time, in bite size morsels, through many experiences. Or we can choose to devour all three courses at once. Both are valid options.

"So which do you choose?" my students eagerly inquired.

"It depends on where you are in life and how willing you are to move forward with the discomfort of realizing that some of your possessions, beliefs, or habits will have to go." In the end, I told them, transition does not care how long it takes to swallow, only that you finish everything on your plate and fully digest the meal.

The pressing issue for this class was how to fully digest this new information. Before they would hear anymore, they all demanded proof on how I became such an expert on the subject of transition. They insisted that I share all the details of how I got through the first, second, and third courses to get to the place of happily ever after. I grinned with complete confidence and replied, "I left the table after the first course many times but, finally I devoured all three courses which dramatically changed my life. It was the journey that eventually led to the creation of this class."

And so, I began telling the story of how, bite by arduous bite, I ate and ingested all three courses that led to finding my purpose-filled life's work. It began with the foreplay between Ending and Void. Only once that stopped, could I start moving on to a New Beginning.

It was early spring of 1992 and, had you been looking in from the outside, my life was a dream come true. I was married with two beautiful children, living in a charming and spacious home in a small town, and I was at the peak of my career as a conference facility manager. Life should have been great. Yet, every single morning, I woke up exhausted, frustrated, and miserable. I found myself just going through the motions. Routine household chores became burdensome, daily meetings and conversations became blurred, and close relationships became distant. How could this be? (Continues...)

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Excerpted from The foreplay between Pain and Purpose by Cynthia Ann Ryk Copyright © 2012 by Cynthia Ann Ryk. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Warning!....................xiii
Introduction....................xv
Part One The Climax Is Over!....................1
Chapter 1 In the Beginning, There Lies the End....................3
Chapter 2 The Call to Transition....................11
Part Two The Foreplay Begins!....................17
Chapter 3 In Walks Trouble....................19
Chapter 4 The Journey with VOID....................31
Chapter 5 A Breath of Fresh Air: New Beginning....................49
Part Three Recognizing the Big "O's" of Your Life....................57
Introduction....................59
Chapter 6 Raising Your Awareness....................63
Break Your Figurine Self....................65
Reveal Your Secret Life....................67
Stop "Should-ing" On Yourself....................71
Is Your Ego Legal?....................72
Kiss Your Grudges Goodbye....................74
Nix the Quickies....................76
Throw Fear out of Your Bed....................78
Part Four Going All the Way with Purpose....................81
Introduction....................83
Chapter 7 Surrendering to Ending....................85
Chapter 8 Pleasing Void....................93
Thaw Out....................95
Be-Come....................98
Feed Your Imagination....................100
Simmer with Patience....................103
Rise Above....................105
Chapter 9 Exhaling into New Beginning....................109
Lessons from Purpose....................113
Acknowledgements....................117
Testimony to the One and the Many....................117
Resources....................121
Author's Page....................125