The Full English: A Chicago Family's Trip on a Bus Through the U.K.-With Beans!

The Full English: A Chicago Family's Trip on a Bus Through the U.K.-With Beans!

by Bull Garlington


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The Full English: A Chicago Family's Trip on a Bus Through the U.K.-With Beans! by Bull Garlington

The Full English is the hilarious story of a father's failed attempt to take his family on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the United Kingdom, a disastrous trip ruined by his stratospheric expectations, his inner American, ennui fatigue, his wife's meddling in his perfect plans, Alabama, his children's massive indifference, the Doctor Who experience, ginger cookie based chemical warfare, mimes, sheep, The Beatles, a hermetically sealed bus full of the elderly, a militant librarian, and England's classic breakfast which consists almost entirely of canned beans.

This is not a guidebook. It isn't Fodor's or a Lonely Planet guide. God knows such literature would be quite helpful if you plan, like the author, to take your family on an epic journey. The Full English won't. Not even a little. It will teach you diddly squat about Jolly Olde England. Instead, it will lead you deeper and deeper into the author's pervasive bad attitude, arrogant disregard for the comfort of his fellow traveling companions, and a sense of humor which is best described, and we're being diplomatic here, as juvenile, puerile, egotistical, arrogant, narcissistic, and ever so slightly, just the teensy-weensiest bit culturally insensitive and perhaps borderline racist to Brits, Scots, Irish, Canadians, and the Japanese.

You'll watch helplessly as your author falls prey to coach tour comforts and the narcoleptic effect of the U.K.s endless supply of roadside sheep herds, sleeping through 90% of his trip of a lifetime. You'll be on the edge of your seat as he rails against the Beatles and (for some reason) Erskine Caldwell. Finally, you'll rally alongside him as he prepares himself for mortal combat, facing an enemy far beyond his skill set, the nemesis we meet in the very beginning of the trip who menaces him every step of the way, and whom he must, somehow, triumph over, the angriest librarian in the world, the meanest old lady on the bus, and Garlington's arch enemy: Mildred.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781642546064
Publisher: Creative Writer PRO
Publication date: 05/09/2017
Pages: 166
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.35(d)

About the Author

Bull Garlington is an award-winning author and columnist from Chicago. His newest book is The Full English, a humorous travel memoir, Foreword Indie's 2017 Humor Book of the Year. His previous book, Death By Children, was IndieFab's 2013 Humor Book of the Year.

Table of Contents


Hail Britannia

Meet the Family



Hiking Heathrow

Farting Through the Dr. Who Experience

The Lullabus

My Nemesis


The Full Englis


London Through Plexiglas

The London Eye

My Love for British Cabbies

Whisky Tango Foxtrot Oscar Wilde

How to Find a Tranny Hooker on Tottenham Court Road


What Wind in Yonder Cushion Breaks?

Ennui in the Cotswolds

Fuck the Beatles


Important Liquid and Linguistic Bodies of the Lake District

Eating Ginger Cookies with the Dead


Gretna Green: England’s Vegas

Where are My Castles?!


Fuck the Crown Jewels.

Bagpipes and How I Hate Them

My Brief Affair with an Edwardian Drag Queen

Day 6

Castle of the Velvet Penis

My Backfiring Backfires

Caned by the Elderly at the Woolen Mills

Day 7

Fairly Thankful for Rest and Be Thankful

The Story of the Massacre of the Story of the Clan McGregor Massacre

Colorful Recollections of Glasgow


Days 8 through 11

This Isn’t Ireland.

How to Pee on a Bus in Dublin

The Smell of Trinity College Hall of Books

Fuck the Blarney Stone

Author Island

Day 12

The Flying Boat Museum in Foynes

Durty Nelly’s

A Dysfunctional Tour of the Cliffs of Moher

Day 13 through 14

The Oysters of God

The Perfect Seat

Our Last Day Abroad

The Return

Day 15

Home to Chicago




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