The Full English is the hilarious story of a father's failed attempt to take his family on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the United Kingdom, a disastrous trip ruined by his stratospheric expectations, his inner American, ennui fatigue, his wife's meddling in his perfect plans, Alabama, his children's massive indifference, the Doctor Who experience, ginger cookie based chemical warfare, mimes, sheep, The Beatles, a hermetically sealed bus full of the elderly, a militant librarian, and England's classic breakfast which consists almost entirely of canned beans.
This is not a guidebook. It isn't Fodor's or a Lonely Planet guide. God knows such literature would be quite helpful if you plan, like the author, to take your family on an epic journey. The Full English won't. Not even a little. It will teach you diddly squat about Jolly Olde England. Instead, it will lead you deeper and deeper into the author's pervasive bad attitude, arrogant disregard for the comfort of his fellow traveling companions, and a sense of humor which is best described, and we're being diplomatic here, as juvenile, puerile, egotistical, arrogant, narcissistic, and ever so slightly, just the teensy-weensiest bit culturally insensitive and perhaps borderline racist to Brits, Scots, Irish, Canadians, and the Japanese.
You'll watch helplessly as your author falls prey to coach tour comforts and the narcoleptic effect of the U.K.s endless supply of roadside sheep herds, sleeping through 90% of his trip of a lifetime. You'll be on the edge of your seat as he rails against the Beatles and (for some reason) Erskine Caldwell. Finally, you'll rally alongside him as he prepares himself for mortal combat, facing an enemy far beyond his skill set, the nemesis we meet in the very beginning of the trip who menaces him every step of the way, and whom he must, somehow, triumph over, the angriest librarian in the world, the meanest old lady on the bus, and Garlington's arch enemy: Mildred.
|Publisher:||Creative Writer PRO|
|Product dimensions:||6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.35(d)|
About the Author
Table of Contents
Meet the Family
Farting Through the Dr. Who Experience
The Full Englis
London Through Plexiglas
The London Eye
My Love for British Cabbies
Whisky Tango Foxtrot Oscar Wilde
How to Find a Tranny Hooker on Tottenham Court Road
What Wind in Yonder Cushion Breaks?
Ennui in the Cotswolds
Fuck the Beatles
Important Liquid and Linguistic Bodies of the Lake District
Eating Ginger Cookies with the Dead
Gretna Green: England’s Vegas
Where are My Castles?!
Fuck the Crown Jewels.
Bagpipes and How I Hate Them
My Brief Affair with an Edwardian Drag Queen
Castle of the Velvet Penis
My Backfiring Backfires
Caned by the Elderly at the Woolen Mills
Fairly Thankful for Rest and Be Thankful
The Story of the Massacre of the Story of the Clan McGregor Massacre
Colorful Recollections of Glasgow
Days 8 through 11
This Isn’t Ireland.
How to Pee on a Bus in Dublin
The Smell of Trinity College Hall of Books
Fuck the Blarney Stone
The Flying Boat Museum in Foynes
A Dysfunctional Tour of the Cliffs of Moher
Day 13 through 14
The Oysters of God
The Perfect Seat
Our Last Day Abroad
Home to Chicago
APPENDIXES and DOCUMENTS
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