When my wife read the book for first time she exclaimed, “I want to burn that book.” I told her to read it again. When she finished the book for the second time, she said, “It is not bad. Somehow it all makes sense.” Please do not burn the book . Give it another try. And if it still doesn’t make sense to you, my deepest respect. The book is probably not for you, and that is absolutely fine.
The book is a paradox in itself. It contradicts our social norms and values, but at the same time brings peace and love and strengthens the family.
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The Great Integrity
Do we know our sexual nature or are we ashamed of it
By DR OF LOVE
Balboa PressCopyright © 2013 Dr of Love
All rights reserved.
It all started with a single thought about a year ago, and even though I thought I would be the last man who could write a book, the fact that I am writing at the moment gives me enormous pleasure.
Each one of us has periods of strong realization, where we are not concerned about success or failure, and we want to do the things we enjoy. Once you reach that state, you have discovered your destiny.
The deep feeling that people can find in this book and benefit from is the only reason that made me sit down and write it.
A few words about me: I am nothing special, one of many; I could be almost anyone. If you don't remember my name, that's absolutely fine. Call me Mr. Nobody.
I was a curious boy in school. I didn't just like science—I loved it. I devoured physics, chemistry, biology, and you can probably guess I didn't like literature at all. I wanted to become a great scientist who knew everything and, most of all, who knew myself.
Out of this curiosity, I finished medical school, thinking that when I knew myself, I would help others in return. Unfortunately, I finished the program much more confused than I entered. My head was full of knowledge, and my intuitive sense of myself was very foggy.
After graduation, I was very unsatisfied, and I spent close to a decade in this mood.
One sunny morning, I woke up and asked myself, What the heck I am doing here?
Am I working and living just to survive, just to exist? What a meaningless existence, I thought. If you're not working as a doctor, why did you study medicine in the first place?
That day was the beginning of my spiritual journey. I read one book after another, and my enjoyment of the road to ultimate fulfillment and self-discovery increased constantly. As Socrates said Know yourself first; everything else is secondary.
I took my time with this process, and every day I saw myself as better person. I was able to love myself for the first time. All of a sudden, I became a better father and a better husband. I became more calm, relaxed, and satisfied in my workplace interactions. I discovered what I wanted to do with my life: bring new awareness to people about consciousness.
When quantum physicists put a sample on an electron microscope, no matter what the material is, they see 95 percent emptiness and 5 percent matter, and the matter constantly changes.
I told myself that my work in the future has to be connected with bringing awareness to people about the things that never change. I think our society lacks this knowledge; for me, it is the most important thing in human development.
When my wife and I discuss schools for our kids to attend, I always say that the most important things in life are not taught in school, such as
– to know yourself;
– to know life, which is to know God; and
– to meditate, a combination of the above two.
But to address those issues, I would need to write a separate book.
I think each one of us has a space of absolute stillness that knows everything. As a society, we need to stop the rat race for a while, or at least slow it down.
It is good to have material things and to have a career, but we are getting completely lost. We are losing ourselves completely; we are losing our connection with the source, and this ultimately threatens our existence. Therefore, my main goal in writing this book is to slow you down a bit and to tell you that we are divine beings; we have infinite power and energy.
I see many people these days complaining about everything: government, society, work, relationships, and more. Many people are struggling just to make it, to survive. If you are someone who competes all the time, seeing yourself totally separated from others, you need to wake up and find out that the world is not as far away as you think it is. You are the world, and the world is you. The world is nothing but a reflection of the collective consciousness. So next time you accuse the world, know that you are accusing yourself. Take responsibility for your state of being as a dear human being.
Human society is thousands of years old, and you would think we would have become more and more connected and developed as humans; on the contrary, the truth is that we have never been more violent or isolated from each other than we are now. World Wars I and II are just two examples of the ongoing conflicts between people.
Why does this happen? What is wrong? Something must be working improperly or not working at all. Many people would say it is the government's responsibility, but people in government are among us.
I think the problem is our collective mind-set; it is connected to the reality we experience. Therefore, you and I are responsible for the world being in its current state.
When the first humans came into existence, regardless of when and how this happened, I believe they all lived together, they were very connected with the source, and they were totally unaware of themselves.
When the first man became conscious of himself as an individual and said "I" is when he started to separate himself from the source. Humankind started recognizing the differences between people and things, saying, for example:
This is my wife.
This is my house.
This is my state.
This is my country.
Humans tend to keep making these divisions, but as Krishnamurti says, "If you have division in your mind, sooner or later, there is bound to be a problem." So the energy—the source—that once flowed freely became stagnant because there were so many divisions in the system.
I would like to examine the first divisions that humans made, which represent the core of society in the current time: a person's spouse and family.
The family is the very core of human existence; in my early days, people often said that family is the building block of our society. I would like to make it clear that I am not against the family at all. I consider my wife and my kids to be blessings. I am so grateful for my family that I cannot find words to describe my appreciation. I believe my point is valid and important even so.
Let's take a look at what happens when a man and woman fall in love. There is an old proverb that says, "Love is sweet but makes the man act like a duck." This refers to how you lose your sense of self, time, and space and feel that you are in paradise when you are in love.
In this illustration, let's assume that a man and a woman fall in love, get engaged, and everything goes well with the wedding ceremony, reception, and so on. They go on a honeymoon after the wedding; they feel as if they are in heaven and all their dreams have been fulfilled. At the end of this state of paradise, the man and woman just happen to have an argument. The argument is so bad that they don't love each other anymore. They may even want to separate.
What happened? The love was so strong, but after the argument, the love has been replaced with hate. Was it real love in the first place?
I think what we call love is not always really love. If that's the case, what is it?
What is actually happening, I think, is that when you fall in love, you find someone who fills the empty space inside of you. And we call that attachment to a person "love." The moment when that person stops filling the emptiness, there is no perceived love, and many times love turns to hate.
Many couples notice that as the years pass, the spark they felt at the beginning of the relationship is greatly reduced or even gone completely. And then you just happen to meet somebody who makes you feel this spark again, such as a coworker or neighbor. And eventually you find yourself falling in love with that person, and you tell him or her, "I love you." You end up telling your husband or wife, "I don't love you anymore." You end up divorcing and remarrying and hoping that you have finally found the love you've always dreamed about. You don't need much time until you find yourself disappointed again. And the whole cycle begins again.
Some people repeat the cycle many times, and some got tired of repeating the cycle, and after a few repetitions, they see the nonsense of that. Eventually they give up trying, and they say something like, "That's part of life," or "Life is not only roses; life is a struggle." No wonder you see so many couples for whom the spark is totally missing and they can barely look at or tolerate each other.
But why, as the years pass, does the effect of the spark get weaker? Why do we lose the excitement and beauty of the beginning?
Imagine the beginning as full of playfulness. You were laughing and playing, in full harmony with life. The energy of life was moving freely. There was no seriousness, only the joy of having a good time.
After the wedding, when you became husband and wife, you became serious to each other. In marriage, the man has the feeling that he possesses the woman, and the woman has the same feeling toward the man. The very same family structure where you feel security becomes your prison. The energy becomes stagnant; it cannot move freely. You are not free.
Is it possible to be a married man or woman and feel free at the same time? My answer is yes. This is possible when both the husband and wife are free rather than attached to each other.
Here is the tricky moment where I could be very misunderstood: feeling free and being in the marriage at the same time is possible when you feel whole and complete on the inside all the time. In this state there are no attachments; it is the state that the Bible describes as "The kingdom of heaven is within you" (Luke 17:21). This is a state of inner harmony and love, and everything you do or say is connected to that. In other words, you don't feel like you possess your wife or husband; you know that he or she is free. You are married to your spouse, but he or she is free, and in that freedom, there is so much beauty and grace. The energy of life flows freely, without any obstacles. When you enjoy that freedom, the spark continues to burn.
Freedom toward life—that is, freedom in regard to sex—allows energy to move freely through you, and that way you fully understand your very nature. Men can never be free if they are not sexually free. The very energy of life is sexual energy.
When you mention sex, it is always intriguing; it is in your nature, but there are also social norms and morals. Many would say that there is no taboo in discussing this topic. Tons of literature is written on the topic, but perhaps you have the impression that there must be more to it.
Do we know the most powerful energy in the world, the energy of life itself? Do we want to know it? Or are we so scared of it that we don't want to even talk about it? Religion's approach is basically based on fear. I think you cannot understand your nature if you don't understand your sexuality. We are the product of sex, but we are so ashamed and fearful of sex's powerful energy. And when this is the case, we are fearful toward life itself.
Not understanding your nature means living in constant conflict with yourself. I believe that not allowing sexual energy to go through us means we are not allowing life to do its work and not allowing the flower of humanity to fully blossom. I think one of the reasons the world has so much misery is because that energy is suppressed.
Sex is like the seed that we need to plant to allow the flower to blossom. Once it is fully blossomed, the only thing that remains is love and peace, so the urge for sex is not only for the sake of reproducing but also to create the side products of love and peace.
Let's return to the idea of being a married man or woman and feeling free at the same time. Feeling free means allowing life to do its work and allowing that energy to go through you. Feeling free doesn't mean sleeping around with everybody. In fact, you might not have sex with anyone besides your spouse or significant other, but the feeling of being free is priceless. This is the state where life does its work and you live your life to the fullest. I still remember the moment where I said to my wife, "I love you, and you know that, and I am blessed to have you in my life. But does this mean that I don't love your sister, for example? Or, with other words, I love you more than your sister?" Again, as you can see, there is division, and if there is division in your mind, sooner or later, there will be a problem.
What if I said that I love everybody and everything—people, trees, animals, and so on? There is no division in this love. It comes from the peace and love inside of you. In this love, there are no divisions. It is one love. I told my wife, "If I sleep with your sister by her free will, it is not cheating." Cheating loses its meaning because I love everybody and everything. My wife was not very happy with that statement. I remember telling her, "I am not going to leave the family, but at the same time, I am a free man." The whole idea is to not get attached to anything.
Do you ever wonder why cheating is so condemned but people continue to do it? Do you think there will come a time when people will stop cheating? I am not defending cheaters and cheating, but I want you to see it from a different angle. I think people will continue to cheat now and in the future because they are the ones who make the energy flow. They balance the energy in the system. It sounds weird that cheaters are playing an important role in society, but they are doing this unconsciously. In the universe and in life, the energy has to flow freely, but in society, the family is the building block. In this way, cheaters play the role of a buffer between our sexual nature and the moral norms society creates.
What is the other group of people that plays a similar role? Think about it for a moment. They have what has been called the oldest profession in the world, and I bet this job dates back to the time when the family came into existence itself. You probably already know what I am talking about.
You might be surprised to find out that in order for family to exist, prostitution has to exist. That's why it is the oldest profession and it will exist as long as families exist. Now you can see the important role of prostitutes. I think they deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.
I think this statement is worth repeating: your family exists because of prostitutes. They make it possible for the energy in the system to flow. Some of them are unaware of the important role that they play. Others, with more experience, sense that they are doing the right thing. They don't need scientific research proving that they are doing the right thing. They know it with their whole being. They know that men are divided between their nature and social norms. They know the nature of a man is to be free. A wife knows her husband, who is caring and loving.
A prostitute knows the free man, who is wild and restless. She is aware that his sexuality is in his very nature, and she fulfills all his fantasies. That's how the free man feels free. He is like the horse that was bridled for a long time and then given freedom. The horse runs like crazy. After a long, wild ride, the horse comes home, and he is so loving and caring. These ladies in the oldest profession know their role; they know that the wilder and crazier the ride, the more caring and loving a man will go back home.
Sometimes you read the newspapers and say, "Who would've thought that such a loving and caring husband would get caught cheating on his wife?" All the neighbors may be very surprised by this event. Now you know the real reason this happens: men are polygamous by nature.
Let's discuss that nature more thoroughly. A man might be married to the most beautiful woman in the world, but he still gets attracted to other women. Have you ever asked why this happens? It's in his very nature; men are built this way. Our basic animal instinct is to reproduce. If you stay on this level, you remain an animal. Even this level has its own benefits: exchanging energy, releasing stress, and reproduction. This is the state where most people remain. The growing pornography industry proves that statement; very rarely do you actually see individuals consciously making love.
If you want to fully develop your human potential, allow the powerful energy of attraction to take you on the most exciting journey of spiritual growth. In the universe, there are two seemingly contradictory movements. One of these involves creating and experiencing diversity; the other movement reminds us that we are all connected and we are all one. Both of those movements are at the very base of our desire for sex.
Our animal instinct contains the intelligence that reproduces life. At the same time, it contains the search for beauty, the search for realizing the truth, the search to know others, and the ultimate search: to know oneself. Therefore, your sexual instinct is connected not only to reproduction but also to the search of who you truly are. The ancient Indian way of conscious lovemaking, practiced as a part of Tantra, is relevant to this topic. The people who practice that art knew the importance of it. They knew that this is the foundation for creating peace and love in society. Tantra uses the most powerful energy—sexual energy—as a fuel for spiritual growth. It's the art of conscious lovemaking, wherein you become more aware, more loving, and more peaceful.
Excerpted from The Great Integrity by DR OF LOVE. Copyright © 2013 Dr of Love. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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