The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love

by Thomas Attig

Overview

In The Heart of Grief, Attig gives us an inspiring and profoundly insightful meditation on the meaning of grief, showing how it can be the path toward a lasting love of those who have died. Recounting dozens of stories of people who have struggled with deaths in their lives, he describes grieving as a transition from loving in presence to loving in separation. The thing we long for most--the return of the one who is missing--is the very thing that we can never have, kindling the intense pain of our loss. But Attig argues that we can, in fact, build an enduring, even reciprocal, love, a love that tempers our pain. He tells stories, for instance, of a young girl taking some of her dead sister's practical advice as she enters high school, a widower realizing how much intimate life with his wife has colored his character, and an athlete drawing inspiration from his dead brother and achieving what they had dreamed of together. Far from forgetting our loved ones, Attig urges us to explore ways in which our memories of the departed can be sustained, our understanding of them enhanced, and their legacies embraced, so they continue to play active roles in our everyday and inner lives.
Groundbreaking and original, inspiring and compassionate, The Heart of Grief offers guidance, comfort, and a new understanding of how we grieve.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780195156256
Publisher:	Oxford University Press
Publication date:	09/19/2002
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	324
Sales rank:	462,408
Product dimensions:	9.20(w) x 5.60(h) x 0.94(d)
Lexile:	1000L (what's this?)

About the Author

Thomas Attig is the author of How We Grieve: Relearning the World (OUP). A former professor of philosophy and Past President of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, he is a highly sought-after speaker. He lives in San Francisco, California. He invites you to visit his website, www.griefsheart.com.

Table of Contents

	Preface	xi
I.	Places in the Heart
	Where Are They Now?	3
	Living with Sadness	8
	Carrying the Hurt	15
	Longing for Their Return	22
	Believing They Live On	28
	Ghosts and Other Contacts	34
	Loving in Separation	39
	Good and Troubled Loving	42
	Receiving Their Legacies	45
	Giving Them Places in Our Hearts	50
	Lasting Love Is Good for Them	54
	Lasting Love Is Good for Us	59
	Learning to Love in a New Way	63
II.	Transitions to Lasting Love
	Taking Leave and Opening Our Hearts	67
	Missed Opportunities	74
	Frozen Scenes	80
	Investing Ourselves in Ceremonies	86
	Choosing Our Own Ways	91
	Conflicts about Ceremonies	97
III.	Memories
	Holding Them in Memory	107
	Unfinished Business	112
	Negative Ties That Bind Us	118
	Horrific Memories	122
	Memories and Dying Days	126
	Remembering at the Time of Death	132
	Fragile and Fleeting Memories	136
	Incomplete and Partial Memories	142
	Richly Meaningful Memories	147
	The Dance Continues in Memory	153
IV.	Practical Life
	They Are with Us in Our Practical Lives	161
	Acting on Promises	167
	Using Their Advice and Counsel	172
	Doing Things Their Way	177
	Following in Their Footsteps	182
	Making Their Cares and Interests Our Own	186
V.	Life of the Soul: Returning Home
	Loss and Soul Pain	193
	Choosing How We Approach Our Hurt	198
	They Are with Us in Our Souls	204
	Meeting Them in Things They Leave Behind	209
	Soul Food and Soul Music	214
	Meeting Them in Familiar Places	218
	Seeing Them in Others	222
	Finding Our Roots in Their Life Stories	226
	Touching Our Souls in Mysterious Ways	230
	Learning to Be Soulful	235
VI.	Life of the Spirit: Reviving Hope
	Loss and Spiritual Pain	245
	Their Spirits Are with Us	250
	Resilience	257
	Searching	263
	Changing and Growing	268
	Striving	272
	Joy and Adventure	276
	Afterword: Grief Is a Journey of the Heart	281
	Acknowledgments	287

Editorial Reviews

The pain of loss can be overcome, says Attig, an "applied philosopher" and past president of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, by survivors who keep alive in their hearts their love for the departed. He repeats his message in each of some 50 brief chapters, using numerous anecdotes gleaned from his experiences as a counselor to explain how he has helped people cope with the loss of loved ones. Whatever the problem a survivor faces, Attig offers his mantra--keep love alive. If we can remember and sustain our connection with the departed, they will always remain with us. Among the death-related topics Attig covers are ways to help children deal with loss; ghosts; the solace of traditional religious rites; how to use memories and stories of loved ones in daily life; and finding the presence of loved ones in familiar places. He recommends that we honor the memory of the departed by acting as they would have wished us to, to work for causes they held dear or even just to reminisce about our relationships with them. While his message is valuable, Attig's one-note thesis may be too simplistic and repetitive to strike a distinctive chord for readers seeking solace among the offerings in this crowded category. (Oct.) Copyright 2000 Cahners Business Information.

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly

Attig, a philosophy professor turned professional lecturer, continues his examination of concepts he presented in the last chapter of his acclaimed How We Grieve, which contends that people can relearn relationships with loved ones after they die. He assures us that love for someone does not end or freeze in time upon their death but can be transformed into an active, meaningful relationship despite the physical separation. Although his message has a spiritual aspect, it is accessible even to those who may not consider themselves particularly religious. Touching narratives punctuate his gentle, wise, and hopeful counsel, offering many examples of how ordinary and extraordinary people have found ways to continue loving those who have died. His frequent use of the pronouns our, we, and us lends connection and empathy to his message. A reassuring and useful book for those grieving or counseling those who grieve. Recommended for all types of libraries.--Annette Haines, Central Michigan Univ., Mount Pleasant Copyright 2000 Cahners Business Information.

Library Journal

A sensible discussion of personal loss, and a program providing guidance and solace to mourners. Attig (Reclaiming the World, not reviewed) contends that we mustn't evade feelings of loss or wallow in them, but should continue to love the person we mourn; we must learn to love people in their absence. Mourners fritter away too much energy, in the author's view, yearning for what can no longer be: although we cannot expect a dead person to be present to us in an immediate or palpable way, we can keep our love alive, allowing the dead to forever enhance our lives. Ceremonies (particularly funerals and memorials) help us navigate the initial turmoil of grief, but they are merely the first"tentative steps toward lasting love." The path to healing is documented in the many stories recorded here. One grieving mother in Israel sought out her late son's friends and regularly visited his kibbutz: by better understanding his life, she was able to move beyond merely missing him. Another woman, whose husband died of a brain tumor, gathered memories and photos from friends and relatives so that her young children would have a permanent record of their father: after his death, these scrapbooks became a permanent memorial to her husband. Another tragedy involved the parents of a young son who died of AIDS after a tainted blood transfusion: they found solace in making a memorial panel for the AIDS Quilt. A bit redundant but effective method for transforming painful events into enriching experiences.

Kirkus Reviews

"A book that will touch your heart, bring you to tears and heal your life. It is a book of truths because it contains the only thing which reveals the truth, a story. Everyone suffers loss so have the wisdom and courage to read, learn, feel and heal. I think so highly of this work that every one of our children will receive a copy. I receive many books few get that high a rating."—Bernie Siegel, MD, author of Love, Medicine & Miracles:Prescriptions For Living

"With simple eloquence and clear compassion, Attig topples the myth that grieving those who die requires letting go, and instead explores the sustaining connections that survive physical separation. This book is an invaluable guide to all bereaved persons who strive to restore wholeness to a love strained by loss, and who seek practical and spiritual counsel on how to find hope and even growth in the wake of desolation."—Robert A. Neimeyer, Ph.D, author of Lessons of Loss: A Guide to Coping and editor of Death Studies

"When those we love die, our love for them does not. This compassionate book lifts up this simple truth and, in doing so, affirms and heals. Mourners will identify in particular with the many real-life stories. Truly, The Heart of Grief is a treasure trove of healing wisdom and guidance for anyone who grieves."— Dr. Alan Wolfelt, author of Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself Heal and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition

"This book offers a powerful message to those who are grieving—"You do not have to let go"—that we can continue to love, remember and celebrate the lives and legacies of those we lost. If I were in the midst of grief, I hope someone would offer me this powerful, hope-filled book."-Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., Professor of Gerontology, The College of New Rochelle and Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation of America

"Tom Attig has long been interested in the concrete stories of individual grievers. In The Heart of Grief he retells a multitude of those stories in order to develop sensitive insights for bereaved persons and guide them in constructive ways. A masterful achievement!"-Charles A. Corr, Professor emeritus, Southern Illinois University

"A brilliant sequel to Solomon's Song of Songs with exquisite story-images, thoughtful and sensitive wisdom resulting in the life-affirming message that 'love is stronger than death'"-Rabbi Earl A. Grollman, D.H.L., D.D., and author of Living When a Loved One Has Died

"Tom Attig brilliantly illuminates the phenomenon of lasting love. Where other authors have only theorized, he operationalizes and concretizes; where others have merely offered philosophical perspectives, he delineates specific courses of action to enable healthy, continuing, and life-affirming connections with those who have died."— Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., author of How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies and Clinical Director of The Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss, Warwick, Rhode Island

From the Publisher