The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!)

The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!)

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781250072641
Publisher: Flatiron Books
Publication date: 04/19/2016
Pages: 160
Sales rank: 544,864
Product dimensions: 5.10(w) x 7.10(h) x 0.60(d)

About the Author

ANNA PULLEY is a writer in Oakland, California. Her work has appeared in New York magazine and Mother Jones, on BuzzFeed, AlterNet, The Toast, and Salon, and in zines tastefully peppered with Ani DiFranco lyrics. She’s been a repeat guest on Dan Savage’s podcast, Savage Love, and is a sex and relationship columnist for the Chicago Tribune and AfterEllen.

KELSEY BEYER is an artist living in Oakland. She specializes in prints, drawings, illustrations, and figure modeling. Her work has been featured on Foulmouth Greetings cards, in the National Queer Arts Festival, on The Toast, and in Gay Men Draw Vaginas. She has been moonlighting as the unofficial visual documentarian for the Bay Area’s favorite girl orgy since 2009.

Read an Excerpt

The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!)


By Anna Pulley, Kelsey Beyer

Flatiron Books

Copyright © 2016 Anna Pulley
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-250-07265-8



CHAPTER 1

LESBIANISM 101


Have you always wondered if you might like girls that way, but weren't sure because you don't have several dietary restrictions and aren't perpetually covered in pet hair? If you don't know what a lesbian is but picked up this book because you are a cat who enjoys looking at pictures of other cats, then put it down, Mittens. This book is not string! If you are a human person who doesn't know what a lesbian is, but also doesn't know how to use the Internet or read a book or watch television or movies, then what do you do with yourself? I've always wondered.

Here's a haiku definition:

Lesbianism:
So much more than folk music
and hemp shorteralls.


Now that that's cleared up, the following haiku present some indications that you might be, perhaps unbeknownst to you, sapphically inclined, bicurious, full-on lesbionic, or "in college."


YOU MIGHT BE A QUEER GIRL IF ...

You can't even break
up with your therapist in
under a decade.

When an ex-lover
has thrown a Boca Burger
at you drunkenly.

When you live with your
ex far longer than you should
because "it's cheaper."

Do you own bongos?
A djembe? A didgeri-
don't-mind-if-you-do?

When asking, "What are
you thinking?" is your go-to
icebreaker question.

Does a "naked mud
dance" sound like a great way to
commune with nature?

Do you find yourself
wondering why songs don't have
more ukulele?

You are accused of
making uncomfortably
lengthy eye contact.

If you've gone out a
dozen times and still don't know
if you're dating her.

You obsessively
Google prospective dates in
the guise of "research."

You play flag football
but are, by every other
measure, an adult.

Do you own more than
one vest that your mother did
not purchase for you?

You have developed
unhealthy attachments to
several baristas.

The only "doctors"
you are familiar with are
Bronner and Martens.

When you dance, does it
look like you're Hula-Hooping
in a wild typhoon?

You're allergic to
everything — except passive-
aggressive memos.

You have at least four
jobs at any given time,
and you volunteer.

You've got 99
problems and 98 of
them are your "bitches."


A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF EVERY LESBIAN MOVIE EVER MADE

Lesbian films serve many important functions — visibility, levity, fodder for processing, etc. — but their most important function is to make us feel better about staying alive so well because most lesbian and bisexual characters in contemporary queer films (and television) die horrible deaths. Ha-ha, weird, right? But seriously, congratulations on not dying. You are great at that. Hopefully.

Girl has sexual
awakening with teacher/
roommate/friend. Then dies.

Girl has horrible,
traumatic past, present, and
future. Then she dies.

Girl has sexual
awakening with druggie.
The drug addict dies.

Girl has sexual
awakening. Kills her mom/
lover for "funsies."

Girl has lesbian
tryst during the Holocaust.
Everybody dies.

Girl has sexual
awakening, decides she
likes men. She still dies.

Girl doesn't have a
sexual awakening,
but she shaves her head!

Cheerleader figures
out she's gay. NO ONE DIES! Film
revered forever.

Gina Gershon wears
a tight tank top. Sorry, does
something else happen?

First hour: eating.
Second hour: fucking. And
third hour: crying.

Straight-looking girl goes
gay. Male director slowly
jerks off for two hours.

Girl spends half the film
staring vacantly into
bodies of water.

Married lesbians
suffer from bed death, but can
still be great parents!

Hetero subplot
is added to make straights feel
okay with "gay stuff."


CHAPTER 2

HOW TO PICK UP A LESBIAN


Picking up a lesbian is not as easy as it looks, even though many are around five feet tall. For starters, it's difficult to tell simply from appearances what ladies walking among us might be receptive to seeing us naked. Unless your potential paramour is wearing a sign that says "My other ride is your face!" it's not often obvious that you are in fact courting a lady-lovin' lady. There are a few signifiers to look for, of course — short asymmetrical haircuts, Coexist T-shirts, a preponderance of jorts in her wardrobe — but nothing foolproof. Just ask the countless lesbians who have mistakenly ogled both the teenage boy and his heterosexual mother sporting a mullet and a college sweatshirt because they thought they were lesbians. Alas, until the day comes when we decide to help potential lovers decipher our sexual proclivities with, say, a large face tattoo, we can only surmise, ask questions, and take chances. That said, however, the following haiku provide a jumping-off point to picking up the gay gal of your dreams using well-worn approaches field-tested in places as diverse as bars, gender studies classes, and the modular cube aisle at the Container Store.


MORE REALISTIC WAYS TO "FLAG" AS A WOMYN-LOVING WO'MOON

Host a dinner where
you promise to serve harm-free
vegan macro bowls.

Do not brush off the
cat (or dog) hair you are most
surely covered in.

When girl remarks on
pets' hair, say names are Vita
and Virginia.

I was serious
about that "My other ride
is your face" button.

Find an excuse to
take out your wallet so she
can see it's empty.

Stand in a corner
and refuse to drink all but
low-calorie beer.

Stand in a corner
and incessantly sweep your
hair out of your eyes.

"Hi. I would like to
officially invite you
to join my coven."

Introduce yourself
using the words "witch," "poet,"
"grad school," or "co-op."


FOOLPROOF LESBIAN PICKUP LINES

Of course I read Cunt.
Painting with menstrual blood
was transformative!

Girl, I would love to
help you move that modular
couch from IKEA.

Cold? Take my micro-
fleece vest. I only wear it
ironically.

Have you reconciled
your identity with race
and class privilege?

Don't label me — I'm
a non-het-identified
poly pagan witch.

It has been MANY
years, but I'm not done griping
about The L Word.


LESBIAN PICKUP STRATEGIES THAT RARELY WORK YET ARE REPLICATED INCESSANTLY

Perfect the art of
leaning on things. Once mastered,
hook thumbs into jeans.

Drink excessively
the whole night. When she's nearby,
talk a lot louder.

Buy Tipping the Velvet.
Don't give it to her! Hope
she gets the "message."

Visit a witch store.
Not for spells, just to support
local queer business!

Name obscure "shipping"
reference. When she does not
get it, run away.

Knit your feelings for
her using symbols culled from
dream dictionaries.

Say "Hi." Before she
can respond, run outside and
hail a taxi home.

Go to Trader Joe's
any day but Saturday.
(That's just good advice.)

Write a haiku book
(with cats). Fill with deep longings.
Sign hers "TRANSFERENCE."


HOW TO PICK UP ...

The serious lesbian
Intersectional
cisgender hegemony
assimilation!

The sporty lesbian
"Is that Old Spice that
you're wearing, or ... is that Old
Spice that you're wearing?"

The practical, cheap-cardigan-owning lesbian
"You unravel me
like H&M shirts after
two months' worth of wear."

The DIY lesbian
"My life has vastly
improved since I started to
roll my own tampons."

The lesbro
Wear Livestrong bracelet
and converse solely using
well-known Fight Club quotes.

The straight-looking lesbian
Say literally
anything — she's thrilled someone
is talking to her.

The LHB (long-haired butch)
Chat her up about
Willie Nelson and/or John
Stamos in Full House.

The too-cool-for-this-bar lesbian
Engage her in a
contest to see who can roll
her eyes the hardest.

The deluded yet hopeful lesbian pursuing only straight girls
"Sexuality
is a spectrum! Let's defy
taboos with our tongues."

Your ex-girlfriend
"Snuffles and Meow-Meow
sure do miss you. Why don't you
come say hi to them?"

Your ex-girlfriend (post second breakup)
Ask her what "closure"
means to her. Then clear schedule
for at least one month.

The grad student who maybe friend-zoned you but you're not sure
"I love all the bell
hooks you've been posting on your
LiveJournal account."

The Starbucks barista whom you can't bring yourself to make
eye contact with, let alone talk to

"I really like you
despite the fact that you serve
liquid oppression."

The lesbian who's trying to pretend she doesn't enjoy pop music
but is dancing ecstatically

"I've never seen a
girl dance to Taylor Swift so
ironically!"

The baby dyke
Thrust whole library
of feminist theory on
table. Walk away.

The bookish lesbian
"I wish you were the
woman sharing my bed, not
Alison Bechdel."

The SHF (short-haired femme)
"Nice [blank]!" Fill blank with
"feather," "earring," "undercut,"
or "nerdy glasses."

The hard-core bookish lesbian
Pronounce Annie Proulx's
name correctly — watch lady's
cargo pants fall off.

The obviously high lesbian
"We go together
just like peanut butter cups
and prescription drugs!"

The cat- or dog-obsessed lesbian
"You know I minored
in pet portraiture at my
women's college, right?"

The radical Marxist-feminist lesbian
"Can you believe the
phallocentric slavery
of this Bud Light Lime?"


IMAGINED AWKWARD PROPOSITIONS FOR THE CHARACTERS YOU'RE READING ABOUT IN YOUR BOOK CLUB

The lesbian whom you've time-traveled back to the Victorian Era
to ask out

Are you causing these
"uterine fits" or do I
have hysteria?

I'd be delighted
if you joined me for a ride —
you sure are hansom.

Awkward lesbian vampire proposition
You suck! I mean that
literally of course. HA-
HA. Oh, you're vegan?

Awkward lesbian werewolf proposition
I would never be
so insensitive as to
ask for doggy-style.


Awkward lesbian velociraptor from Jurassic Park proposition

Hey, clever girl! What's
eating you? Me? HA-HA. Nice
claws. I dig high femme.

Awkward lesbian zombie proposition
Well, aren't you drop-
dead gorgeous? Emphasis on
Dea — [Zombie eats her.]

Awkward lesbian unicorn proposition
Has anyone told
you that you make them HORNy?
They have? Okay, great.

Awkward lesbian Bigfoot proposition
I also think that
shaving is oppressive! Do
you use rock crystals?


IMAGINED AWKWARD PROPOSITIONS FROM FAMOUS QUEER WOMEN THROUGHOUT HISTORY

Gertrude Stein
A lesbian is
a lesbian is a lez
who's BI-AN me drinks.

Gertrude Stein tries again
A rose is a rose
is a Rose who rose from the
bar to buy me drinks.

Gertrude Stein gets to second base
Where? There? You want me
to touch you there? But my dear,
there is no there there.

Billie Jean King
Love love! ... Wait, come back!
It's a tennis term meaning
no one has scored. Oh.

Sappho
My muse! My favorite ...
Aphrodite? ... Airlea?
Ai ... think I love you?

Georgia O'Keeffe
Here, I made you this
flower painting. It's symbolic!
Of your ... beauty.

Audre Lorde
Eating bananas
is nice, but how about we
put them in your vag?

Susan Sontag
Sex is a pillow —
an extension of the self.
Yet suffocating.

Susan Sontag tries again
Would you like to talk
obscure French theory with
me? I hate myself.

Willa Cather
There is nothing but
the land. We are all dirt, so
shall we lie in it?

Willa Cather keeps going
I would plough you like
the godly red heaven that
is Nebraska soil.

Virginia Woolf
When I said I want
"a room of my own," I meant
"when my husband's here."

Frida Kahlo
Te adoro! Here's
a painting of me being
cruelly tortured.

CHAPTER 3

DATING: IT'S NOT OK, OKCUPID


I bet many of you are wondering why this chapter exists because common knowledge has it that lesbians don't actually "date." Instead the timeline follows as such: girl meets girl, their genitals fuse together in a state of ecstatic union, and then they go raise chickens together somewhere. But that's not (always) the case! Dating and courtship are still very much a part of the lez experience. This chapter, hence, navigates the perilous waters of dating and popular websites such as OkCupid and Craigslist.

What's a "date"?
We met; we had sex;
then the next thing I knew, we
were buying wind chimes!


A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF ALL CRAIGSLIST WOMEN 4 WOMEN MISSED CONNECTIONS

To the tall, dark-haired witch from the Moon-Worshipping
Ritual

I think you swiped my
sage stick accidentally.
I'd like it back please.

RE: To the tall, dark-haired witch from the Moon-Worshipping
Ritual

I bought that sage at
Womb of One's Own, Sunray. We
need to dialogue?

RE: RE: To the tall, dark-haired witch from the Moon-
Worshipping Ritual

Goddess no! But I
sure hope you purify your
soul with it, Ember.

Ahead of me at Whole Foods today
You have great taste in
nutritional yeast! I will
ignore the Craisins.

The girl in line for the Port-o-Potty with the infinity tattoo at the
Canadian folk festival

I wrote a poem
about your shoulder blades. Can
I tweet it to you?

It's fated!
The way you held your
beer said Virgo. If your moon's
in Leo, call me.

Girl in the beige multipocketed vest working at the Berkeley
REI

I smiled at you in
my mind and never made eye
contact. You're the one.

The woman in glasses reading Audre Lorde at the feminist
bookstore

Let's dismantle the
master's house! Me: Plaid. Never
looked up from my book.

Met you at the in-depth sensitivity training for a post-gender
world

By the bi ... nary,
your views on phallocentric
highlighters moved me.

7 a.m. yoga flow class with Charity
As you were leaving,
your mat hit me in the face.
Namaste next time?


POSSIBLE FIRST MESSAGES TO WOMEN ON ONLINE DATING SITES

I'd love it if we
could message each other for
months and never meet.

Shall we discuss our
attraction for hours and
then go home alone?

"Like being pissed on?"
an OkCupid girl asks.
"If so, urine luck."

I knew your cat's name,
diet, and hobbies before
I got to know yours.

This crush, relentless.
I am like a cat and you're
a laser pointer.

Subject: "Wanna fuck?"
Followed by "Just kidding!" Your
meaning eludes me.

Let's "Live life to the
fullest" by watching actors
on TV do it.

Her message: "I like
your socks." Tremendous! Let's build
a life together.

To the hot girls on
OkCupid: You have to
write more than "Hello ...:)"

What the "looking for" choices really mean on OkCupid
Friends: Casual sex.
Short-term dating: Just sex. Long-
term: Face-to-face sex.


HOW TO FILL OUT YOUR DATING PROFILE LIKE A TRUE LESBIAN

Pro tip
Mastering basic
English will get you so much
ass on dating sites.

Why try online dating?
'Cause it's easier
to lie on the Internet
than to someone's face.

The first things people usually notice about me are ...
My witchy vibe and
carefully messed-up hair or
literary tat.


(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) by Anna Pulley, Kelsey Beyer. Copyright © 2016 Anna Pulley. Excerpted by permission of Flatiron Books.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Introduction
LESBIANISM 101
-You Might Be a Queer Girl If...
-A Representative Sample of Every Lesbian Movie Ever Made
HOW TO PICKUP A LESBIAN
-More Realistic Ways to "Flag" as a Womyn-Loving Wo'moon
-Foolproof Lesbian Pickup Lines
-Lesbian pickup Strategies That Rarely Work Yet Are Replicated Incessantly
-How to Pick Up...
-Imagined Awkward Propositions for the Characters You're Read About in Your Book Club
-Imagined Awkward Propositions from Famous Queer Women Throughout History
DATING: IT'S NOT OK, OKCUPID
-A Representative Sample of All Craigslist Women 4 Women Missed Connections
-Possible First Messages to Women on Online Dating Sites
-How to Fill Out Your Dating Profile like a True Lesbian
-How to Proposition a Girl on Facebook
-A Summary of All Craigslist Women 4 Women Ads
-How to Proposition Someone While Playing Online Scrabble
-Perfect Valid Excuses a Lesbian Might Use to Turn You Down for a Date
-A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Your Dates
U-HAULING
-Signs That You're in a Cohabitating Lesbian Relationship
-You Might Be in a Polyamorous Relationship...
-Taking Things to the Next Level
-A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Your Long-Term Lovers
-Innovative Lesbian Date Suggestions
HOW LESBIAN SEX WORKS
-The Ins and Ins and Some Outs of Lesbian Sex
-If the Fifty Shades of Grey Series Had Been Written by a Queer Lady
-How Lesbian Sex Works in Long-Term Couples
-Group Sex: The More the Harrier
-Sex Through the Ages
-Dos and Don'ts
-If Lesbian Porn Were Accurate
-If Lesbians Were in Charge of Defining Common Sex Positions
LOOK BOTH WAYS: DEMYSTIFYING BISEXUALITY
-What's a Bisexual?
-How Does Bisexual Sex Work?
-Common Bisexual Questions Posed to Nonbisexual People
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
-A Representative Sample of Every Lesbian Breakup Throughout History in Twelve Words
-How to Break Up with a Lesbian
-How to Let a Queer Girl Down Gently
-The Wrong Way to Grieve a Breakup
-A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Exes
-How to Break Up with Fictional Characters Who Were Implicitly or Explicitly Lesbians
-The Twelve Stages of Lesbian Breakup Grief
-Rebounds
MY EX IF YOUR EX: THE UPS AND DOWNS OF BEING LOVERS AND FRIENDS WITH EXES
-Serious, Insurmountable Lesbian Problems
-Hipster Appropriation of Lesbian Culture: A Manifesto in Five Haiku
-Lesbian Bed Death
-Common Reasons a Lesbian May Suddenly and Inexplicably Cry
-A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Your Friends
-Perfectly Legitimate Reasons Why a Lesbian Might Sleep with Her Friends
-The Perks of Being Friends with a Lesbian
Acknowledgments

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