Packed with essential guidance for everyone, from flirting first-timers to experienced seducers looking for some fresh inspiration, this book includes flirting tips, tricks, and trivia guaranteed to help even the most reluctant flirts find success! It’s goodbye to dull nights out (and in), and hello to a world of flirting fun!
About the Author
Sadie Cayman is the author of Sex: 369 Facts to Blow You Away.
Read an Excerpt
The Little Book of Flirting
By Sadie Cayman
Summersdale Publishers LtdCopyright © 2016 Summersdale Publishers Ltd
All rights reserved.
Where to Meet People
So, you're armed with the basic knowledge for a successful flirt. Now you need to find someone to practise on. If you're single and ready to mingle, read on. If you already have someone in mind as the target of your flirting skills, you can move swiftly on to the next section.
AT A BAR
Pubs and bars are the most obvious place to 'pick someone up', and with reason. They're understood to be public zones where it's socially acceptable to talk to strangers. Plus, there's alcohol involved. However, there are still some restrictions. For example, if someone is sitting in a back corner, furthest away from the counter, they probably want to be left alone. Hanging around by the bar or at the tables closest to it, on the other hand, is often a signal that a person is open to meeting somebody new.
If you want to be seen as approachable at a bar, it's best to be with more than one friend. Having two other wing-buddies will help you appear more approachable and, if you hit it off with someone, your companion won't feel abandoned or ignored.
Talking to the bartender or other customers at the bar also gives off the impression that you're friendly and approachable, and starting an open, non-flirtatious conversation with a stranger makes it easier for someone else – hopefully a smoking hottie – to join in.
The common ground: What's the betting that drunk guy's going to be on the floor within ten minutes?
The context: Oof, you're on the flaming tequila shots already?! Big night ahead then ...
The opinion opener: Hey, are you local? Some friends and I are looking for somewhere to go after here – where would you recommend?
The cheesy: You're hotter than the bottom of my laptop after demolishing an entire series on Netflix.
THE PROBLEM WITH HUMAN ATTRACTION IS NOT KNOWING IF IT WILL BE RETURNED.
AT A PARTY
Spotting a potential love interest at a party is great – the chances are you already have some mutual friends, and some things in common to discuss. The conversation starters are limitless and, compared to a bar, a party is a far more casual environment in which to start a conversation with a stranger. Plus, you're probably all stuck together in one place for the duration of the night, so you don't need to panic that your target is going to disappear. In short: it's the perfect place to act cool, break the ice with some easy conversation, and enjoy yourself!
One of the best ways to create an immediate sense of fun and intimacy is to perform a task and invite someone else to do it with you. Perhaps you've offered to help refill the snacks and you need a hand, or you'd like their help creating a 'surprise' for the guest of honour. Or you could see if they want to play a (two-player) card game or drinking game, to break any monotony. By doing something together, you make the other person feel special and break the ice, so there's no need for awkward conversation – it's a win–win situation.
Alternatively, parties are the perfect place to play the 'don't I know you?' card. You can adapt it however you like – perhaps you start chatting to someone about something obscure, before 'realising' that they're not who you thought they were. Depending on how cheesy you feel, you could say 'Oops, I thought you were someone else, sorry. But you're a lot cuter.'
The goofy: 'accidentally' bump into them and say: Oh sorry, I become a total klutz around cute girls/guys.
The opinion opener: I'm meant to be at home doing some research on XX – could you help me out? What's your opinion of XX?
The dare: I dare you to refill the punch bowl with straight vodka and see how long it takes anyone to notice.
The quest: There's gotta be some food around here somewhere. Wanna help me find some?
A SURVEY BY GLAMOUR MAGAZIN E SHOWED THAT 75 PER CENT OF WOMEN HAVE FANTASISED ABOUT MEN IN A FIREMAN'S UNIFORM. PROBABLY ONLY A GOOD PICK-UP TECHNIQUE IF YOU'RE INTENDING TO GO TO A FANCY-DRESS PARTY, OR YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY HOME FROM THE FIRE STATION, THOUGH.
IT IS ONLY SHALLOW PEOPLE WHO DO NOT JUDGE BY APPEARANCES.
There's nothing more appealing than finding out that someone you know is already into one of your biggest interests. Whatever your sport of choice, the fact that they're there too gives you immediate common ground to start from, and endless opportunities for conversation based on the goings-on of the game. Unless you're watching a chess match, there's likely to be lots of action to keep you interested (and prevent any awkward silences) and enough time for you to have a chilled-out conversation and not have to rush. Add to that the fact that you can probably hear each other speak and don't have to yell over dodgy music, and sports events may just be the greatest place to find a hook-up ever invented.
It's the perfect environment: simply ask their opinion of a certain player, or who they think is going to win. It sets you up for an animated conversation with lots of spaces to drop a teasing, flirty comment. Once you've got the ball rolling it's time to step up the flirting game by implementing all the techniques we talked about earlier, and letting your personality shine. You can also move on from the regular questions to the more playful ones ('I bet you two drinks that there'll be a foul in the next two minutes'; 'How are you celebrating after our team wins?') or tell them that charming story about how you got that sporting scar in primary school ...
There's one danger at sporting events: people often attend without their partners, so a person on their own isn't necessarily single. While it doesn't matter if you make a total tit out of yourself (you'll probably never see them again), it might be uncomfortable to sit next to each for 90 minutes after a total chat-up fail.
The opinion opener: I can't believe XX won Player of the Match last time. Do you think he deserved it?
The challenge: You think you know your sports? I bet you can't tell me (insert related question here)!
The cheesy: I bet you play football, because you're a keeper.
The cheesy number 2: I wish you were wearing a team shirt. That way I wouldn't have to ask for your name and number.
HERE'S A QUICK FACT FROM SPEED DATING. MOST PEOPLE MAKE A DECISION ABOUT THEIR ATTRACTION TO A PARTNER WITHIN 3 SECONDS.
More Meeting Places
Work: It's commonplace for a reason – seeing and possibly interacting with someone day in, day out, is bound to result in a certain amount of interest and liking. Four out of ten workplace relationships result in marriage, which proves that it can truly be the basis of a strong relationship. On the other hand, the workplace relationships that crash and burn often result in public humiliation, hugely embarrassing work situations and one of you having to find a new job.
Through friends and family: According to some research, you're twice as likely to find a date through mutual acquaintances than at the bar.
Coffee shops, cafes, shopping centres: Striking up a conversation with someone eating lunch or having a coffee alone can be a successful tactic – just make sure they are giving out signs that they're happy to be approached.
College/evening classes: You already share a mutual interest – romance is just around the corner! Bonus sexy points if you meet at a dance class or foreign language course.
Wine tasting: Alcohol and easy conversational topics abound.
Art gallery: You don't need to know anything about art to strike up a conversation about a piece you find interesting. What do you think the piece means? What stands out to you? And what are all those squiggly bits about? A gallery is also seen as being both unusual and romantic.
Dog walking: Dogs are wonderful for 'accidentally' tying you and your future beau up in a tangled lead.
Where not to meet people: Though they can be great for dates, restaurants or cinemas aren't generally conducive to spontaneous conversation, or to introducing yourself to strangers.
FOR ME IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT FIRST IMPRESSIONS. I TRUST MY INSTINCTS.
The Next Move
So, you've been chatting to a hot guy or gal all night, and things are going well. You've shown off your charm, style, humour and outstanding personality to their best effect. Now what? Well, you have several options:
If you feel the time is right, move in for the kiss. Signs that the other person is ready for a kiss are glances at your mouth, physical closeness, their head tilting slightly to one side and parted lips. If these signs are all on display, then there's a good chance your kiss will be reciprocated.
If you're feeling mischievous, moving in for a kiss but then turning your head to peck them on the cheek instead at the last minute will drive them crazy and make them eager to see you again.
If you're not ready to go in for a kiss but want to see them again, make sure to ask for their number. You don't want all your hard work to go to waste by missing the opportunity to stay in contact. If they say no, no harm done – at least if you've asked, you won't be moping around over the one that got away.
If things are going swimmingly, perhaps you're ready to – oooh – invite them back to your place. Don't rush into anything you're uncomfortable with, but go with the flow if it feels natural. Just remember to be safe, and have fun.
Remember, don't force things. Even if you feel you've received all the right signals, if at the end of the night they don't want to go any further, that's their prerogative. It's far better to go home nursing a little hurt pride than to make yourself look like an arse by being too pushy. Remember: anything that isn't an unambiguous YES is actually a NO.
I THINK THE EYES FLIRT MOST. THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS TO USE THEM.
THE AVERAGE PERSON SPENDS OVER 20,000 MINUTES OF THEIR LIVES KISSING. THAT'S AROUND TWO WEEKS.CHAPTER 2
Ah, technology. We're so advanced these days that we'll soon have no need for light arm grazes and hair flicking, as they'll have been replaced by emojis and swipes. But, as with all new developments, although there are good points, there are also the potential pitfalls that end with us sending a message to someone on Tinder telling them our most intimate fantasies and then asking if they like sausage rolls.
Tinder, Happn, Match.com and Plenty of Fish are old hat now, but it's worth repeating some essentials of netiquette here.
* Use photos of other people (you'll get found out)
* Lie about your character and interests
* Disclose details you wouldn't want strangers knowing
* Insult others
* Believe everything other people write about themselves
* Arrange to meet people you don't know in private
* Use recent photos of yourself
* Write about your interests (if they're interesting!)
* Be yourself
* Flirt with people who have the same interests
* Have fun, but be wary of who you are talking to
* Keep the tone light-hearted
SEDUCTION IS ALWAYS MORE SINGULAR AND SUBLIME THAN SEX AND IT COMMANDS THE HIGHER PRICE.
OK on Social Media But Not OK in Real Life
Social media allows us the freedom to behave in ways that we wouldn't normally dream of in real-life flirting situations. Here are just some examples:
* Sending selfies will work on social media, but it's not quite the same if you get out a stack of photos that you just happened to have in your bag.
* Expressing your thoughts and feelings through emojis cannot work in real life – holding up flashcards just won't cut it.
* Poking someone is fine on Facebook but has completely different connotations in real life.
* Using LOL (although slightly annoying) is still better than literally laughing out loud for a minute. And as for PMSL: let's not even go there.
* A little bit of online stalking might be a good idea before a first date, but hiding out in the bushes and checking their every move is not only bad, it's illegal.
According to a survey, the biggest online flirting turn-offs are:
* Bad or informal spelling
* Lack of punctuation and grammar
* Multiple exclamation marks!!!!
* all lower case words. even after full stops
* Excessive slang (LOL, TBH, etc.)
* Sending messages at night – between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. (Why are people doing this?! Beauty sleep is important.) Especially if it's a booty call when you haven't met yet.
But, perhaps defying expectation, a popular dating site's survey revealed that regular emoji users went on more dates than those who kept it strictly alphabetical.
IT HAS BEEN CLAIMED THAT BEING ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE MAKES IT HARDER TO LIE TO THEM, SO DE ON YOUR GUARD NEXT TIME YOU'RE ON A FLIRTING MISSION – YOU DON'T WANT TO END UP BLURTING OUT SECRETS SUCH AS 'I LIKE YOUR FACE'.
SHE GAVE ME A SMILE I COULD FEEL IN MY HIP POCKET.
REYMOND CHANDLERCHAPTER 3
So you've made the first move and invited someone out on a date. Congratulations! Now you've just got to make it through several hours alone together, and hope you don't mess up. Good luck with that ... First dates really can be nerve-wracking, but with a little help you can ensure you give yourself the greatest chance of avoiding a dating disaster.
Places to Go
Suggesting where to go on a date carries an enormous amount of pressure. If you suggest just going for a drink, your date might think you're not putting any thought into it.
Choosing an exciting or adrenaline-fuelled date, such as go-karting, could be a good option, as a psychological link has been found between danger and physical/ romantic attraction. Unusual ideas show creativity, thought and effort – a dance class, for instance.
Choosing somewhere there are opportunities for physical contact will allow for quicker bonding, such as a festival, or hiking.
To boost your confidence, pick somewhere you'll feel comfortable. Most of all, think about your date – what would they find interesting and fun, and would give you the chance to get to know each other better? Have they mentioned something they've always wanted to do, or did you discuss a mutual interest that would create a great date?
A SURVEY FOUND THAT THE WORST PLACES TO SUGGEST FOR A FIRST DATE ARE FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS, YOUR CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OR SCHOOL PLAY, YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE, STRIP CLUBS, X-RATED SCREENINGS AT THE CINEMA, SWINGERS' PARTIES, A PARTY WHERE YOUR EX WILL BE, CHURCH ACTIVITIES OR WINDOW SHOPPING.
* Show up on time
* Relax and be confident
* Be honest about your feelings, but try not to appear too eager.
* Talk about your ex partners
* Talk about yourself non-stop
* Flirt with other people around you
* Mention marriage, kids, politics or religion.
THE DINNER DATE
So you've gone for the classic first-date setting. There's a reason it's such a popular choice – a restaurant is somewhere neutral, which provides you with something to do with your hands and something to comment on if the conversation falters (and there's often wine involved). You could impress your date even further by picking a restaurant with a quirky interior design, an unusual menu, or a stunning view – further elements with which to fuel your conversation.
Get closer. Request a small table (preferably when you make the booking, not when you arrive!); if the waiter tries to direct you to a big, brightly lit and exposed table, ask for something a little more cosy. Sitting next to each other in a booth or side-by-side round the corner of a table (as opposed to the traditional date set-up facing each other) allows your bodies to touch and your arm to graze theirs, creating a feeling of intimacy. You can still look each other in the eyes, but the closer physical proximity will create more of a bond than if you're staring at each other across the gaping chasm of a table.
Be on your best behaviour! Tipping, being polite but assertive with the staff, and making sure your date is comfortable will only reflect well on you.
Finally, if the date's going well, don't order coffee in the restaurant. That way you get to invite your date back to yours for an entirely different type of dessert.
APPARENTLY WOMEN ARE MORE ATTRACTED TO MEN WEARING BLUE THAN ANY OTHER COLOUR. THERE'S THAT PULLING OUTFIT SORTED THEN.
Taking your date to see a movie has been a stalwart of dating and flirtation for a century. The Drifters were singing about it way back in the sixties, so it's hardly innovative. But, if it ain't broke ...
Sure, it's cute to share popcorn, and there's always the chance of an accidental hand-brush as you both reach for it at the same time, but munching noises are a total turn-off. If you do go for snacks, eat them politely.
Get touchy-feely. Scary films are perfect for this – if one of you gets scared, the other can offer a protective arm. Gently touching your knees together creates a small moment of tension. The volume of the film also makes it hard to talk, so you'll just have to lean in close to make witty comments to each other.
But, whatever you do, don't get so distracted thinking about ways to turn the film into a flirtathon that you miss the film entirely. Your partner may actually want to watch it, so if you sense they're uncomfortable with your hilarious commentary you could restrict it to some low-level hand-holding. Plus, it's usually good conversation fodder to actually discuss the film afterwards, and you'll look like a buffoon if you haven't a clue what was going on.
Excerpted from The Little Book of Flirting by Sadie Cayman. Copyright © 2016 Summersdale Publishers Ltd. Excerpted by permission of Summersdale Publishers Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Signs They're Single,
In a Nutshell: Top Flirting Tips,
Seven Schools of Flirting,
PART ONE: THE HOOK-UP,
Where to Meet People,
The Next Move,
PART TWO: TECHNOLOGY,
OK on Social Media But Not OK in Real Life,
PART THREE: THE DATES,
Places to Go,
First-date Conversation Starters,
Keeping the Flirting Flame Alive,