The Man with One Shoe: Survival and Recovery: Living Beyond a Serious Mental Diagnosis

by Christopher Cox

Overview

From the first step inside a psychiatric hospital at the age of twenty-eight to his current stage in recovery, Chris takes the reader on a journey that too many have endured but few have written about to this degree of insight?from mania to the depths of depression and ending up in recovery to the point of reengaging his community as a peer counselor in mental health systems.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781504390521
Publisher:	Balboa Press
Publication date:	10/31/2017
Pages:	108
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.26(d)

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

The weatherboard

Upon entering the facility, I noticed a weatherboard. It was obviously old and weathered itself. On it was a date that was correct, the days of the week and little symbols that represented the type of weather outside for the day. Little rain drops as a symbol of rain, a sun for sunny, etc. It struck me as odd and outdated until I looked around the facility which was dark and miserable. There were no open windows of light, only fluorescent bulbs flickering. I saw this board as an indicator that this was a place to simply pass the time. This was a warehouse for the soul. I would find no answers here, just medication and idle time. Being maintained was the goal.

I had been here before, maybe not this ward but the same type of place. I grew to find these controlled environments as a vacation from the chaotic life I led on the outside, the real world where I was not appreciated or even tolerated. I had become a man with no true realistic thought process. Only visions of how life was supposed to be in my world - the world of Shamans and Visionaries. I felt there was a place for me and those like me. A serene existence for those of us that could find it but for now, I must undergo the life sucking concoctions of poisons they call medication; thorazenes, haldols, respidols and lithiums. These were the truths of my current state of being. At this point I was simply a statistic, a fraction of a whole, no one to be relied on or called upon for advice. Although I was a graduate of a respected institute of higher education, I had become only a part of a man. An insignificant individual that needed a weatherboard to tell me what the weather was. I could not be trusted with a window for God forbid I should jump out of it and end the misery I found myself in - time after time, hospital after hospital, psych ward after psych ward.

I had a curious mind. I would question life and its rules and regulations of today. Question who should judge and who had it right concerning reality. Was I so wrong as to have to be confined for only wanting answers to my personal quest for a holistic meaning in an unreal world? Sure, I had to be safe, not be a threat to myself or others but who were the ones saying I crossed this invisible line? The same ones that could not control their own lives! I did not blame the people - just the system. The system that says that "maintaining" is enough; to hell with what it means to be human. Why the hurry to lethargic medication? Let's numb the shit out of them and watch them pass the years in a fog. I applaud the doctor that agreed after my decade in this cloud to take me completely off the medication and let things take place naturally. Why I needed his permission is another consideration! I would cycle for several years but at least I felt sorrow, happiness, grief, hate, love. This was living! The consequences for my actions were steep but I was alive and made my own choices, let me live with them. I was but one in the system, some found comfort but I simply took a break from the universe and took a breath for a short period of time. I would then reengage the madness until the depression took me down again. I was beating my head over and over, deep down I knew there was an answer to this madness. Eventually I found it, the wise mind where emotion and logic overlap. The interlocking reasoning of the two worlds I had to walk in. The world of rules and coherent thought that is required in today's reality and the balancing of the other world, the one I found myself living in for over 30 years, and one where healers and sages thrive in mystery and pure energy. The world that transcends time and space, and the one that I believe is much more rational and logical than the first. It was this transformation of thought I was searching for all these years. I had found the key that allowed for that balance in life I yearned for. I began to live.

CHAPTER 2

The early years

One would think when writing about their story the beginning would be the early years in that person's life but I find myself writing this chapter concerning these times last. I began my writings at the point in my life that I found to be the most life changing, that being when I had first entered the mental health system in Little Rock, Arkansas at the age of 28. As I look back over my childhood years there are moments that stand out for me that might give a clearer picture on my perspective of life and those environmental factors that influenced and intensified my mental health deterioration that lead me to be institutionalized so many times.

As I mentioned earlier, I am the sixth of eight children where seven of us were born in a single decade (no twins). This basically means that we were so close in age that we affected each other whether we wanted to or not. Being the middle son with four older sisters put me in the hierarchy somewhere between not mattering at all and being pampered to the extreme. I found this position well suited for me since I have always preferred the "backrow" in any situation and I appreciated the doting of my sisters. I could write of happy days filled with laughter and energy from all of us as children, always looking for ways to occupy our time and this was part of the truth of those days but to keep everything honest and truthful I must write my truth and that is a different story than that of some of my siblings.

Growing up in a small home with ten people is not easy on the best of days. We utilized the woods in the back of our home many times as a second bathroom and with three bedrooms the sleeping arrangements were challenging. We had money only when we could muster a few soda bottles for candy or found a yard to cut in the summer time. We all pitched in to make sure the bills were paid which is what one does in a democracy. My mother's natural wisdom was apparent to all that knew our family and she was the go to person to reason with my father and was the true leader of our clan.

I was aware of our economic status as I was growing up but this not affect me in a major way. I was also aware of the perceptions of other people outside our family concerning us since we put on such a front that most of what I remember was the way the Cox's were treated as a stalwart family to be admired. All children in the right place at the right time, all clean and dressed appropriately, all respectful and well mannered. Of course, all glass houses tend to break at some point and mine unraveled piece by piece over the years.

Looking back, I have always seen life in a sort of short piecemeal stories or in frame by frame visions. I would practically float through conversations, interacting appropriately but in the back of my mind I was always looking for the motive behind the action of others. What was their agenda and why are they doing what they do. When you view life in this manner you tend to find flaws and positive aspects in character quickly. To add to this mindset was that my memory had a way of filing even the smallest detail of an event so I would revisit conversations and interactions repeatedly until I somehow made since (in my mind) as to what had happened and why.

This way of reasoning is eventually what lead to my glass house crashing down around me.

I suppose the best example of this was how the constant influence of religion was pushed on us as an absolute way of life. I never understood the draw that organized religion has on people. I found it bothersome and time consuming with little or no purpose. I know this reads as though I have an ax to grind with those in positions of power within the churches we attended every Wednesday and twice on Sunday but it is much more basic than that. I have sat through probably a thousand sermons and I did find some nuggets of truth but for the most part it is being driven by a story that has been rewritten so many times that literally no one knows what the truth is! You throw guilt in and a little power struggle with people positioning for influence and there you have it; organized religion. This rational on my part was hard fought and I still bend at times to appease my parents just out of respect for them. So, I find that bowing my head and taking a moment to clarify my thinking is a small price to pay to not be in the trenches with the masses of people who attend and contribute to these organizations on a constant basis.

The local churches do a lot of good as far as feeding and sheltering the needy and as a person that works in the human services field I truly appreciate the efforts of these resources but for the most part my thinking takes me as far away from these organizations as I can get.

The next process of thinking I could never quite grasp is the idea that the color of one's skin matters! Having been brought up in Mississippi until approximately eleven years old, it was hammered into to me that white privilege was the norm and that was the driver of all socially acceptable behavior. I have found the opposite is true, that all cultures and races of people have much to contribute to our society and I am proud that I am fortunate to consider other people as fellow travelers in this world. What the hell difference does their life styles have to do with me when they are not intruding on my beliefs or life. This is also something I had to rationalize over time. Fortunately, I moved with my family to South Florida at an age where I could be positively influenced by others, other than the white canvas I was accustomed to.

For an individual who has a long history with mental health systems, it might seem odd that I would be talking about rational thinking so much, but the working of society now and the irrationality that is common is the backdrop that set me up for a complete breakdown.

I saw life in black and white, what I had to come to grips with was the grey areas. When I attempted to stop drinking alcohol at 27 I could not function in what I saw as an unbalanced society when all along it was me that needed to change. Rules were for other people and if I did not tread on others I could think and act as I wished. This was irrational on my part and the change in myself that was needed to correct this mindset was a difficult lesson to learn.

When my thoughts ran rapid and I could not put two consecutive ideas together because of my biological condition and the cause of environmental effects, I simply melted into a state of madness.

As I grew into puberty I found that if I took certain steps I would be rewarded in a positive manner. I remember at the age of thirteen my desire to attract females was so great that I lost approximately 30 pounds in a single month, shedding baby fat rapidly. I had lost so much weight that my concerned mother took me to the doctor for a check-up. After a short exam, the doctor asked me if I had a girlfriend and my reaction told him all he needed to know. He smiled and told my mother that I was fine and that I was acting naturally. I learned from this that when I made my mind up I could accomplish some amazing feats, both physically and emotionally, I could influence people around me (girls mainly) with relative ease and this caused me to get into trouble more than I would have liked. I did play sports and was average but again I saw little need for competition and eventually quit them and began working a job at an early age. My first job that I can recall, where I received a check, was working for my father at his laundry plant. It was very demanding but I was a good employee and the work kept me in good shape physically. The next "regular" job I was employed at was the Burger Chief fast food restaurant. I do not remember how I obtained this job but I would work there off and on for the next two years, from the age of 15 to 17. I was a hard worker and became the night manager before I left after graduating high school.

School was something I never had any problems with academically, socially I found myself floating from click to click joining whatever group of people I found interesting at any given time. I went from hanging out with the jocks to mingling with the college bound to smoking weed with the surfers. I never quite fit into any group and this was fine with me. I only have one lasting relationship from those days.

I never gave much thought to what happened after high school so I was ill prepared to enter the work force and make my way into being an adult living on my own. My father got a job transfer back to Mississippi shortly after I had graduated so my living at home was ending abruptly unless I went to Mississippi with my parents. Being 18 at the time with no ties to Florida, I decided to follow them after a short period of time.

I did not realize just how out of sync I was from the people of Mississippi. Though segregation had been found unlawful many years before, for all practical purposes whites stayed in their communities and blacks stayed in theirs. There was an air of inequality that I had not encountered since my years living there as a young boy. I found this unacceptable then and now. The Mississippi "bubble of reality" I met unnerved me and therefore I rarely visit my relatives inside the state. It is a form of hate that is in my family's culture and this prejudice is destructive and unnecessary.

After arriving back in Jackson, I was approached by a brother-in-law who knew a man who worked in construction that I could work with. The job was as a trim carpenter. We basically finished the inside of new homes fitting them with cabinets, doors and molding. I would wake early, work a full day and be home by dark. I enjoyed being able to "stand back" and see what I had accomplished doing this work but after six months or so I knew I wanted more from my life than making low wages and working sunup to sundown. So, I got an education loan and started my secondary education at a junior college, living on campus.

All through these years of high school and into becoming a young adult I did drink and smoke marijuana but again those I associated with did the same so I thought at time that this was normal behavior but I seemed to do this to the extreme when I did partake with mind altering substances. I would go for weeks or months without anything then binge for short periods of time. I did do some irrational acts when I drank but except for being embarrassed I really did no harm to others or myself.

After a single semester in junior college I knew I could not keep up with working and maintaining school so I started looking for other options for my future and getting out of Mississippi. My roommate at the college was with the Army National Guard and had experience with the military. Although no one in my immediate family had served in the military I went to an Air Force recruiter, took the exam to enter and within a couple of months I found myself in Bootcamp.

The military gave me structure and purpose. Being mission oriented came easily to me so I adapted well. I was able to keep a since of self even when, with a shaven head, we all looked alike and shared the same like experiences. After Bootcamp, I was chosen to go to an electronic technology school for what was called Crypto Maintenance. I was in a class of approximately eight Airman. I did well in school and after 6 months or so I graduated and was sent to Langley AFB, Virginia to serve in the communication squadron. Again, I did well but my alcohol drinking increased dramatically. It was routine for us younger Airmen to spend several nights a week at the Noncommissioned Officer's Club or NCO club where the drinks were cheap and there were many women available for relationships.

After completing my follow-up studies and on-the-job training necessary to advance, I received orders to transfer to Germany to serve at the Sembach AFB for a two-year term. I had met a lady during my tour in Virginia and we were living together in her apartment for a short period of time. She was also an Airman who had been in service for several years longer than I. It was a chaotic few months we had together in Virginia but we grew very fond of each other. I left Virginia with heavy heart for this lady but the adventure of another country was so enticing that I put all aside and flew to Germany as scheduled.

I found Germany and the people of Dutch land simply wonderful. I moved off base with another Airman into a two-bedroom apartment in a small town a few miles from base. Bought a car for about $150.00 and quickly made many life-long friends both German and Air Force. The beer and wine were excellent and cheap on base and off so my habits were getting worse but I was a young man in a delightful place to be.

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "The Man with One Shoe"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Christopher Cox.
Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
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