The Perfect Family Storm: Tips to Restore Mental Health and Strengthen Family Relationships in Today's World
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The Perfect Family Storm: Tips to Restore Mental Health and Strengthen Family Relationships in Today's World
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781504336321 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press |
| Publication date: | 09/10/2015 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 244 |
| File size: | 316 KB |
About the Author
Cathy Reimers, PhD, also known as Dr. Cathy on her Internet talk-radio show, Perfect Family Storms, is a clinical psychologist with over twenty-five years of experience counseling children, adults, and families. She is a co-author of two ADHD books and blogs on her websites, link, link, and link.
Read an Excerpt
The Perfect Family Storm
Tips to Restore Mental Health and Strengthen Family Relationships in Today's World
By Cathy L. Reimers
Balboa Press
Copyright © 2015 Cathy L. Reimers, PH.D.All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-5043-3631-4
CHAPTER 1
Is this Your Family?
In the following story, we follow a "normal" American family during their average weekday. Sam and Debbie are raising three children: Lauren, Connor, and Gracie. Sam works in the high-tech industry and is a successful businessman whose work keeps him on the road and away from his family. Debbie works part time on the weekends as a hairdresser. Lauren is seventeen, a senior in high school, and Connor is fourteen, a freshman in high school. Gracie, the youngest in the family, is twelve and is in sixth grade.
Ten More Minutes
7:30 a.m.
Debbie awakens with dreadful thoughts of what the day will bring. Will she be able to survive another fight with Gracie? What will Lauren ask for today, new jeans or a new purse? Connor creeps into her thoughts next. What new technique can she come up with to get him off the computer without World War III erupting? She draws a blank.
Her thoughts shift, and she imagines herself sipping a glass of wine in the late evening hours. For a moment she feels peaceful ... until she looks over at the empty pillow next to her. Sam left for work at the crack of dawn. The depth of her loneliness creeps in. Sam is never around, always working, working, working ...
Her thoughts are interrupted by the ranting and raving of Lauren's shrill voice.
"Get up, you lazy brat! You're not going to make us late for school again. Damn it, Mom, do something! You let her get away with murder."
"Mom," Gracie yells back, "Lauren hit me with my pillow and threw my blankets on the floor. I don't have to do what she says. She's not my mother!"
"Yes, Gracie," Debbie calls back as she gets out of bed and starts down the stairs to begin making breakfast, "but you do have to get dressed, honey."
Only Lauren makes it downstairs for breakfast, and the whole time she's eating, she complains about how long Gracie takes to get ready. Debbie stares at the eggs and bacon she made for four people, most of which is now going to waste. Debbie herself is too sad and anxious to even want to eat.
"Gracie get down here now!" Debbie finally calls upstairs after Lauren complains for the tenth time that she's going to be late for school and stomps to the garage to wait in the car. "I'm starting to lose my temper. This is the fifth time I asked you to come down." It's a battle every morning to get Gracie out of the house. "Your sister is already outside, and we're leaving in five minutes. Have you seen my keys? Tell your brother to get in here and help me find them. Connor, where are you? You're not still on the computer, are you? Get down here and help me!"
Gracie hands her the keys just as Connor shows up in the kitchen. Where they were hiding is a mystery to Debbie, and before Debbie can ask, her daughter yells, "Connor has my lunch and he says he's going to take my Rice Krispies treat!"
Gracie punches Connor in the arm and throws her math book at him. Connor holds Gracie's lunch bag over her head.
Lauren comes back from the garage. "Look, Mom, we have to be at school in ten minutes. I can't be late for my first period because we have a history test this morning. Please! Gracie! It's all your fault if I get an F! I hate this house! I hate this family! I can't wait to move out."
A heavy, familiar smell fills the air as Debbie tries to usher all three kids through the living room and toward the garage. "Damn it, Connor! I told you to take that dog out this morning! He just peed on the rug. Clean it up before we leave."
The commotion excites the dog and he starts barking, running around the house, and jumping on the kids. Then he pees on the carpet again.
"I'm not cleaning it up. He's not my dog! I didn't even want a dog. Gracie, you do it."
"Hurry, hurry, come on everybody, let's go!" Debbie says, getting the kids out the door. The dog pee will have to wait. "Your sister can't be late." She sits in the driver's seat. "Buckle up. Oh my God, damn it! Where are my glasses? Connor, run back into the house and get my glasses, please. They're on the kitchen counter!"
"Tell Gracie to do it," Connor says. "She's the one making us late."
"I'm not doing it," Gracie says. "I didn't forget them."
"God, I'll do it myself!" Debbie yells as she gets out, slamming the car door into the garage workbench.
"Dad's gonna get mad about you banging the car up again," Connor says, when Debbie returns with her glasses — which happened to be upstairs in her bedroom on her nightstand.
Finally, they pull out of the driveway. After thirty seconds of wonderful silence, Connor says, "My lunch! It's by the front door!"
"Mom, you're not going to go back, are you?" says Lauren.
Debbie sighs and turns the car around to get the lunch. Afterward, as she speeds to the middle school, Gracie starts to cry hysterically.
"What's wrong, Gracie?" Lauren asks.
"My science project! I forgot it in the garage. My teacher said if I don't bring it today, I'll get an F. It was really due yesterday."
"I told you to put it in the car last night so you wouldn't forget it!" Debbie says. "I'll bring it back later and leave it in the office."
"You stupid idiot, you forget everything!" Lauren says.
"Don't talk to your sister that way. Please don't call each other names. I can't stand it. You're the oldest; you're supposed to be setting an example. Please, Lauren, try to help me out here. Connor, what are you doing? Please answer me when I talk to you. Turn off your phone before I take it away. Don't take that to school again — if it gets stolen, I'm not buying you a new one."
"He loses everything and you still buy him new things," Lauren says. "Oh, by the way, Mom, don't forget to pick up my nail polish after cheerleading practice. And I need to stop by the mall to buy some more jeans."
"You don't need another pair of jeans," Debbie says. She feels like she says this every day.
8:30 a.m.
When Debbie comes home, the dog pee is waiting for her. The breakfast dishes are on the table instead of in the sink, where she asked the kids to put them. The water in the bathroom sink is running, every light in the house is on, and the kitchen cupboards are wide open.
She tells herself that right after she cleans everything, she'll take Gracie's science project to school. But, she forgets.
11:00 a.m.
"This is the school nurse," Debbie hears when she answers the phone. "We have Gracie here in the nurse's office. She says she has a stomachache and she thinks it must be the flu. She says she feels like throwing up."
Debbie sighs. Gracie is in the nurse's office again. Is it because Gracie has to run the timed mile in gym class this morning, or is she nervous about performing that poem she wrote in English? In the background, she can hear Gracie crying.
"Mom, please come and get me," Gracie says when the nurse puts her on the phone. "My stomach hurts. I'm going to throw up. I have to come home."
Debbie is paralyzed. Having her daughter home for the day will be pure hell, but if she doesn't pick Gracie up, it'll look like she doesn't care about her daughter. She already told Gracie no the last time she wanted to come home, so she can't do it again without looking like a bad mother.
She can hear Gracie making a hysterical scene with the nurse.
"I think you'd better pick her up," the nurse says. "She's very emotional."
Debbie tells herself to stay calm — it's important to stay calm. That's what her daughter's therapist says. She inhales again and exhales slowly.
"I'll be there in a few minutes," she says.
When they get home, Gracie starts scratching her hair and picking at scabs on her scalp.
"I told you not to pick at those scabs!" Debbie says. "They're getting infected. You're going to have scars on your face if you don't stop."
"I hate you!" yells Gracie. "You don't love me! You're the worst mother in the world!"
Gracie storms into her bedroom and slams the door so hard that it breaks off the hinges and can no longer be locked. She turns on her computer and starts downloading music.
Debbie follows her upstairs. "Don't think you're going to play on the computer today! If you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to play on the computer. Get off the computer now."
"Don't tell me what to do. This is my computer and I can do what I want. You're such a bitch."
"Don't you call me a bitch!"
Before Debbie realizes what she's doing, she slaps Gracie in the face. A moment later, she feels the slap of Gracie's hand against her own face, her baby's hand. Her baby girl hit her. I hit my baby girl, she thinks, as Gracie storms out of the house crying. And she hit me.
"You'd better come back here!" she yells, following her out the door.
Gracie keeps walking, and Debbie is scared. What if she runs away? What if the neighbors hear them? What will they think? This is a nice neighborhood.
Exhausted by the morning and overwhelmed, she starts to cry. I need help, she thinks as she stops following her daughter and goes home. Fifteen minutes later, Gracie comes back into the house and storms into her bedroom. Debbie is relieved.
Sitting in her room, sobbing, Gracie is thinking that her mother doesn't love her because she didn't chase after her.
3:30 p.m.
"Why didn't Gracie stay at school?" Lauren says when Debbie picks up the older kids from school. "She's such a faker, Mom. I can't believe you let her get away with that."
Debbie drops Lauren off at cheerleading practice. As soon as she and Connor get home, Connor runs up to his room to play his war video game.
5:00 p.m.
"Connor, it's time to get off the computer and do your homework," Debbie says.
"I just started playing," he says. "I can't stop now — I'm at level fifteen. It's the highest I've ever been. Please Mom, please, just ten more minutes."
Debbie sighs in exasperation and checks on Gracie through the door — now tilted slightly askew and unable to be locked, which is probably not a bad thing, Debbie thinks. Gracie is texting her friend.
"Get off the phone now!" Debbie tells her. "Don't you listen to anything I say? No texting! You're supposed to be sick. You don't seem very sick to me!"
"I already did all my homework," Gracie says. "You can check it if you want."
5:30 p.m.
The phone rings. Lauren wants to be picked up from cheerleading practice.
"I'm going to get your sister," Debbie tells the other kids. "Don't answer the door for anyone. I'll be right back."
In the car, Debbie realizes she doesn't have her purse, so she goes back into the house to search for it.
"Has anybody seen my purse?" she calls upstairs. No answer.
"Where the hell is my purse? Can you kids please help me find my purse? Your sister is waiting for me to pick her up, and it's getting dark."
Ten minutes later, she finally finds it in the garage. "Oh, my God, what the hell is my purse doing here?" she says out loud, though no one is listening. "Great, now I'm late."
Lauren is standing alone outside of cheerleading practice, texting on her phone, when Debbie shows up. "What took you so long, Mom? I've been out here all by myself, freezing. Why are you so late?"
"I'm sorry, honey. I couldn't find my purse."
"Of course, you couldn't find it. You always lose everything." Lauren goes back to texting her friends.
How did she get to be that mother — the one whose kid is the last one to be picked up? "How was your day?" Debbie asks. It's quiet in the car, and she wants to make it up to Lauren for being late. She wants to connect.
Silence, except for the sound of Lauren tapping on her phone all the way home.
6:00 p.m.
The house is too quiet.
Debbie walks into Connor's room and finds him still playing video games instead of doing his homework. She rips the power cord out of the computer.
"What the f--- are you doing?" he yells. "Get out of my room!" He picks up his backpack and throws it across the room. Then he starts throwing the textbooks and binders that have spilled out of it.
It's not a new scene for Debbie. Whenever she asks Connor to get off the computer, he goes ballistic.
6:30 p.m.
"It's time for dinner. It's time to eat! Come on, it's time to eat," calls Debbie.
Silence. She walks upstairs.
"Did you kids hear me?" she says, knocking on each of their doors. "It's time to eat dinner. Don't make me have to come and get you! The food's getting cold. Lauren, get off Facebook!"
Ignoring her mother, Lauren updates her Facebook status, typing, Get me out of Crazytown. My family' are freaks.
At the dinner table, Gracie says, "Mom, Connor won't give me the top to the milk, and we're going to get germs if we don't put the lid on it."
"Please give her the lid," Gracie tells him. "We're trying to eat dinner peacefully. Sit down. Did you hear me?
Connor continues taunting Gracie, licking the cap to the milk and then rubbing it on his hair and finally on the back of his jeans, which makes her shriek.
"That's it, Connor. Take your dinner and eat it in your bedroom!" Debbie says. She follows him to the foot of the stairs and yells up, "Lauren, get off Facebook! I'm not telling you again."
Two minutes later, Connor comes downstairs again. "Mom, I need more milk."
"We need ketchup," Gracie says. "And I don't have a fork. Can you get me a fork, Mom?"
Debbie gets up and down and up and down, and by the time everyone is done eating — Lauren has finally come downstairs, and Connor is up in his room — she is just starting to eat her own dinner, which is cold. But at least there is a moment of silence ... until someone's phone pings and then continues pinging every few minutes.
7:30 p.m.
"Gracie, it's time to take a shower," Debbie says.
"Ten more minutes. I'm busy. I'm cleaning my room."
"No ten more minutes. You need to get in the shower now. You're getting in that shower now. I mean it."
8:30 p.m.
"What's for dinner, honey?" Sam asks when he gets back from work. "What's wrong? You look mad."
Upstairs, Connor and Gracie are arguing about something again.
She stares at her husband, feeling her face flush with anger. What does he think is the matter?
"You said you would come home earlier. You haven't been home for dinner for months."
"Who's going to pay the bills, and why would I come home early to all of this commotion?"
"You want to see commotion?" She walks to the foot of the stairs. "Gracie, get in the shower NOW!" she screams at the top of her lungs.
"Make me," Gracie says.
Debbie marches upstairs. "Make me? Did you say, 'Make me!' Who do you think you are talking to? What am I going to do with you? You're driving me crazy. Sam, make Gracie get into the shower!"
He had followed her upstairs, but now he is nowhere in sight. Debbie can guess that he is already on his computer.
"You're already crazy!"
"What? Get in that shower right now, Gracie!"
Seeing that scary look on her mother's face — that really, really scary look she can get — Gracie knows it's time to get in the shower. She storms into the bathroom and slams the door.
"You're a terrible mother! You're so mean!" Gracie screams through the door. "I hate you and wish you were dead!"
9:00 p.m.
"Connor, turn off that computer," Debbie says. "What the hell is that game?" On the screen, police are picking up prostitutes and mowing down pedestrians. "Turn it off right now." Debbie doesn't like these violent games. She's tried to stop Connor from playing many times. She doesn't know how to talk to him about it. And he always goes back. It feels like yesterday that he was just her "little man" who played with trucks and Legos.
"Ten more minutes," Connor says.
"Sam, aren't you going to eat dinner?" Debbie says, finding him in their bedroom on his computer. "I want to put everything away." And she wants to talk to him about Connor — about the video prostitutes and the violence. She wants to talk to him about talking to Connor. It feels like a conversation a dad needs to have with his son.
"Ten more minutes."
10:30 p.m.
"Lauren, time to get to bed," Debbie says. "Turn off the computer. You've been on that stupid Facebook for three hours. I'm sick of it."
"Ten more minutes, Mom. I have a few more people to get back to."
Debbie uncorks a bottle of wine and pours herself a glass — and then several more. With a long sigh, she says to herself, Now I have ten more minutes.
I'll bet you're feeling stressed after reading this story! Many of these conversations and events probably sound familiar to you. However, it's important to remember that there are many different forces at play here and that if the family had a little better understanding of their own dynamic and some techniques for improvement, their day could run smoother and be more pleasant.
In this family, several members are exhibiting some of symptoms of possible diagnoses and various dysfunctional behaviors. Once these behaviors are identified, the family can work on effective ways to manage and cope with both the diagnoses and the underlying emotions affecting the behaviors. Let's look at the actions of each family member and some of the symptoms they are exhibiting as they go through their day.
Gracie:
• OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) — skin picking, fear of contamination with the milk lid.
• GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) — worries a lot over grades, avoids presenting a poem because of anxiety and complains of stomach aches,
• DMDD (disruptive mood dysregulation disorder)--- severe recurrent temper outbursts, manifested verbally (e.g., verbal rages,) and/or behaviorally (e.g., physical aggression towards others, breaks things, persistently irritable, constant defiance, every request is a battle and hostile reactions when parents say no.
• ADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) — not paying attention, disorganized, difficulty getting ready in the morning, forgets school assignments and exhibits impulsivity.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Perfect Family Storm by Cathy L. Reimers. Copyright © 2015 Cathy L. Reimers, PH.D.. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction, ix,Chapter 1 Is This Your Family?, 1,
Chapter 2 Storms of Violence, 23,
Chapter 3 The Tidal Wave of Technology's Addiction, 39,
Chapter 4 The Brutal Storm of Divorce, 56,
Chapter 5 A Family's Blizzard of Drugs, 69,
Chapter 6 The Storms of Dishonesty, Rootlessness, And Promiscuity, 85,
Chapter 7 The Family's Financial Storm, 99,
Chapter 8 The Whirlwind in the Classroom, 118,
Chapter 9 The Storm That Gains Velocity — the Power of the Child, 130,
Chapter 10 The Force of Parenting Paradigms, 150,
Chapter 11 The Deluge of Mental Health Issues, 175,
Chapter 12 Pets Get Caught in the Perfect Family Storm, 210,
Epilogue The Family Storms are Perfect, 223,