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No, the real Supermom always leaves the office too early and arrives home too late.
- Sending her sick child to school anyway, hoping the fever's not so high it will attract the nurse's attention
- Praying that multivitamins will make up for the children having breakfast cereal for dinner (again)
- Hoping her husband will be asleep by the time she goes upstairs, so she can get right to sleep
- Battling her arch-nemesis, the Stay-at-Home Mom in the PTA who keeps asking her to bake for the fundraiser
And that's the dichotomy of the working woman's reality-the twin enemies of time and guilt. Now that Supermom's secrets are out, her life would make a great situation comedy.
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Chapter 4: The Birth of A SuperMom
Remember that scene from Alien?
Come on, you know which scene I mean. Where the little green toothy fella pops right out of that guy's stomach in the middle of mealtime. Oh yeah. That's the one. Well, welcome to the wonderful world of pregnancy, birth (see reference to scene above), and coping with the seemingly unreasonable demands of a newborn baby. The screaming, the crying, the sleepless nights...but enough about the husbands. You're about to enter the world of the SuperMom, and it's a scary world sometimes, right from the start.
Having been through the pregnancy mill four times myself, I experienced most of the pain and trauma that the majority of women do, and that includes conception. No matter how good or bad the "performance" was that evening, that truly was the fun part of this deal. The rest of the experience may be rewarding, fulfilling, yada, yada, yada, but "fun" is not a word you will hear very often when describing any pregnancy, unless in your circumstance it involves an ex-husband, his new but oh-so-sadly barren wife, and a sizable property settlement. But I digress.
Your body will go through changes you cannot be prepared for. Have you heard about the shoe size thing? The tear duct challenge? The line down your stomach? The vaginal dryness? Ouch. Okay, I didn't need to mention that last one, especially if you're in the last stages of pregnancy and even a tampon won't be welcome for the rest of your life. Well, buckle up, gals. It's going to be a bumpy ride, or rather a ride that produced a bump, in this case.
Companies that manufacture Early Pregnancy Tests know what they're doing. Their design makes it impossible not to pee on your own fingertips. If this grosses you out to the point of nausea, then you're clearly not ready for motherhood. You'll come to embrace the notion of only getting hit with urine, which is, we are lead to believe, sterile. This will also begin your training for the urine sample Olympics, which you will be entering as a full competitor once your pregnancy is confirmed.
Ah, urine. You'll see a lot of that stuff. Both of my sons have urinated into their own mouths-not as tricky as it sounds when they're lying on the change table with their permanent chubbies. Each time I would pray that urine truly is sterile. My husband told me that urine is sterile up to the seventh consumption. Panicking, I counted on two hands the number of times this had happened to my sons, until I realized that he meant the seventh passage of the same urine.
Back to the pregnancy test. So you've washed your hands (three times, with disinfectant soap), and you're waiting to see if the thin blue line will confirm your worst fears, one way or the other. Congratulations, you're pregnant. Now what? Shouldn't you feel different, act different, be different? You are. You have joined the ranks of "those who have no life." And I couldn't be happier for you. All of the things you thought were important yesterday, are not so pressing today. You are growing a human life, and for that you should be rewarded. (My children are entering their teen years, and I'm still waiting for that reward, but that's another story.) If being a parent teaches you anything, it's faith. Faith that you'll get through another day with the little rats, and faith that any "bad Mommy" moments you'll undoubtedly have will not be captured forever on video.
Table of ContentsTable of Contents
Chapter 1: Man, I Used To Be So Cool!
Chapter 2: Our Bodies, Our Selves-Yikes!
Chapter 3: Explaining the Facts (or Fictions) of Life
Chapter 4: The Birth of A SuperMom
Chapter 5: You, a SuperMom?
Chapter 6: How Can I Look Like a SuperMom in Clothes Like These?
Chapter 7: Back Up the Truck and Get Out of The Way
Chapter 8: SuperSensitive? You Bet
Chapter 9: SuperSized? That's Just the Beginning
Chapter 10: The Countdown Has Begun
Chapter 11: SuperExciting? Not With a Newborn
Chapter 12: Ending It All- Who Gets the Snip?
Chapter 13: The Diaper Bag-A Treasure Trove of Crap
Chapter 14: Eating Out with Your Children (It Can Be Done!)
Chapter 15: Step Aside and Let the Professionals Take Over...
Chapter 16: Field Trips Are from Hell
Chapter 17: Children's Television-Savior or Satan?
Chapter 18: Lessons, Bloody Lessons
Chapter 19: The Pet Thing
Chapter 20: Riding In Cars with Boys (And Girls)
Chapter 21: Beware the Notes from School
Chapter 22: Shopping With Children-You'll Drop Before They Do
Chapter 23: Arts & Craps
Chapter 24: The Most Annoying Questions Your Children Will Ever Ask You
Chapter 25: The Biggest Lies We Tell Our Kids
Chapter 26: Holidays are Hellish Days
Chapter 27: It's Their Homework, Not Yours
Chapter 28: The Road Is Less Traveled Once You Have Children
Chapter 29: Kids Birthday Parties Have Become a Competitive Sport
Chapter 30: We're Outnumbered! The Joys of a Large Family
Chapter 31: Discipline-What the Hell is That?
Chapter 32: Every Day Is a Whine Festival
Chapter 33: And in This Corner...
Chapter 34: Now This Is Work!
Chapter 35: A Guide for Spotting the Differences Between Stay-At-Home Mothers and the SuperMom
Chapter 36: Tail Wagging Dogs and Other Crazy Situations
Chapter 37: Indoor Playgrounds-Stairway to Heaven, or Hell?
Chapter 38: Celebrity UberMoms and Why They Don't Really Exist
Chapter 39: Mothers Are Their Own Worst Enemies
Chapter 40: Sleep? I Don't Need No Stinking Sleep...
Chapter 41: First Time Parents Versus The "Been There Done That Crowd"
Chapter 42: In SuperMom-land, Murphy's Law is the Rule, Not the Exception
Chapter 43: Do You Really Need A Picture of That?
Chapter 44: A Day in the Life of a SuperMom
Chapter 45: SuperMom- Behind Closed Doors
Chapter 46: Not Everyone is a "Kid" Person
Chapter 47: You Think Poopy Diapers are Bad...
Chapter 48: SuperMoms Have SuperGroups
Chapter 49: Times When You Really Don't Feel Like SuperMom
Chapter 50: The Kids Are Revolting-In More Ways Than One
Chapter 51: Ketchup IS A Vegetable In My House
Chapter 52: The Chores You Cannot Finish
Chapter 53: My Car Is Just a Big Purse
Chapter 54: Let It Go
Chapter 55: How do you Define "Quality of Life"?
Chapter 56: 10 Signs That You Are A Supermom
Chapter 57: How to Look Like a SuperMom
Chapter 58: With the Right Training, There's Always Hope
Chapter 59: If Men Had Women's Conversations
Chapter 60: And the Competition Begins...Now!
Conclusion: SuperMom? You Bet Your Ass